That sounds like me. I only want a few choices and one of them will be good enough - paint color for example. I don’t follow social media so that doesn’t lead me to obsess. For some reason I like having my mind ”at peace” and most of the time it is.

Thanks, kswl.

I have a son who is obsessed with making perfect choices. He is 43 and unmarried bc he hasn’t found the perfect person and often has buyer’s remorse. I sent him the article and hope he reads it and recognizes himself somewhere in those words.

Reading this, I was trying to remember a very fine book I read quite a few years ago that really resonated with me. I searched on my goodreads, and found it.

The Paradox of Choice. <<<LINK In Bold

For some reason, it really got through to me and I found it so helpful.

Thank you for that book title Salonva, I would like to read that. Stumbling on Happiness is a book I listened to years ago that dealt with the impact of our decisions on our lives and happiness. I’m going to go back and listen to that again. (I tend to listen to self-help type books as it feels more like advice from a well-informed friend!)

thanks for that suggestion, KSWL. I am going to try to listen to it ( I have it on reserve from the library). I keep promising myself I'm going to learn a new trick ( audiobooks) so maybe this one will do it!

(It is available in book form as well, so I'll definitely be giving it a whirl)

I've seen this material before and I think it applies best to work product, where there is a tangible cost to spending more time on something than is necessary.

What is missing is that some people enjoy the hunt, enjoy the extra effort.

Oh and Virgos.

I also strongly take umbrage with the dating advice. The way I see romantic love is that you feel totally compelled and overwhelmed. There is not a question in your mind. In fact you would go to great lengths to be with that person. IMHO and IME if you don't feel that way at that start, don't have that tidal wave in the beginning, you won't have what it takes to sustain a long term happy relationship. You need that momentum.

I have known a few couples who dated for several years (of adulthood) before marrying. Like too many years. Then they marry and divorce. I think they were missing that rush, and just figured the person was good enough. Fully formed adults who take very long to commit are "just not that into each other."

YMMV

I also think the dating advice is dubious. But OTOH, fifty percent of marriages end in divorce, and many I know personally started out with that first rush of love which then petered out and they now have settled for tolerating each other. And arranged marriages seem to last as long or longer than everyone else’s. So I guess success in marriage depends on how one defines it?

True; that first rush is, I think, necessary, but not sufficient.

@Kswl said

"I have a son who is obsessed with making perfect choices. He is 43 and unmarried bc he hasn’t found the perfect person and often has buyer’s remorse. I sent him the article and hope he reads it and recognizes himself somewhere in those words."

I have a very similar 39 year old daughter. Maybe introductions are in order. 😊

I think that this is the true secret to happiness

But so hard to achieve!

I think you missed a few essential thoughts that accompany the "good enough" assessment. Also mentioned in the article were these points:

" When Mr. Simon faced a decision, he considered a few alternatives, sometimes asked for advice, chose and moved on. He didn’t agonize, and he didn’t second-guess. "

" “My father simplified his life in terms of his daily habits,” Katherine wrote, “thus eliminating the need to make little decisions about everything.” By taking the small decisions off his plate, that simplification freed his attention for the people and work that actually mattered to him. "

"Save your cognitive resources for things that matter."

I think what they are saying is that "Good enough" is often sufficient but also often too low a standard. The way to put this useful thought to use is to be able to do a type of triage on what needs to be done and how, and what decisions need to be made and how. and which don't. Don't waste time on what doesn't need to be optimized, when good enough is enough, to have time to spend on things that are more important and matter more and for which good enough is not enough.

Thank you Elmer, we did read the article and did not miss that point.

Thanks for the share! I believe having a healthy attachment style, influenced by early childhood, effects greatly where on falls on the Maximizer or satisficer scale.

Perfectionism often stems from a place of wanting to fill an internal emptiness and after reaching the goal one is still unsatisfied because external accomplishments and things will never fill what is truly missing so the search for the perfect unobtainable continues endlessly. Most likely the perfectionist was already unhappy before seeking perfect not because they tried for perfection.

Someone like Mr. Simmon might already have a level of fulfillment due to having a healthy attachment style so good enough is enough for he had no wound to heal. It might be that happiness comes first rather than happiness comes from less options and settling.

I could not stop striving for perfection until I resolved my inner conflicts. Now after years of self work I can live in the moment and embrace the mantra that perfect is the enemy of good. But I needed happiness before I could achieve this not the other way around. Interestingly, my marriage improved greatly during this time of acceptance.

The romance theory is another interesting aspect of the article. Arranged marriages have a very low divorce rate, like under 8% ! Cultural and religious stigmas might account for this but also expectations and an acceptance that marriage is just a contract also might help keep the rates down. An arranged couple never searched for the “one” that met all their ideological ideals thus might not become disappointed when they see the real person not their false image behind the lightning bolts.

So much food for thought , thank you!

I'm a maximizer, so I keep this saying on my bulletin board, "Done is better than perfect".

Thanks for sharing this, K. Interesting read. And roarah, same with your post. Both have really made me think.

I have to be somewhere, so don’t have time to share my own thoughts, but will be thinking more about this today. It fondly reminds me of some life lessons my grandfather instilled in me from a young age.

I definitely fall into the category of satisficing. I run, I have white summer running socks and black winter running socks both of which I love. And then I used to have day time socks for jeans/leggings etc. And one day I thought - why not just wear my white summer running socks with shorts, capris etc and my black winter running socks with jeans, etc. and so I do. I could no longer be bothered to take the time to try to find the perfect colour for each pair of shorts or each pair of jeans everytime I bought new.

Now if I'm to now wear socks with sandals as is the trend this year I may have to rethink that.

Re the ”success” of arranged marriages: do those women have a real choice to leave an unhappy marriage? Do they have an equal partnership with access to resources? Will they face loss of children, ostracization from family and community? Or fear violence or death if they try to leave? Longevity doesn’t necessarily mean success.

Good point, Olychick. I regularly engage with members of a cultural group that practices arranged marriages. I can only speak anecdotally that none of the women seem to be under duress, but arranged marriages vs. "love" marriages are not an apples-to-apples comparison, imo.

I will also share that I fully agree with the dating advice offered in the article. I'm single and middle-aged (currently in a committed relationship), and my young adult children are also single (one has had a steady partner for a few years who he met "in the wild" at the gym). While my kids and I don't actively discuss our dating lives with one another, we do discuss the overall dating landscape and our theories about it based on experiences.

Limerence is too often mistaken for initial romance and "spark," often at the expense of ignoring red flags. I think it contributes more to failed partnerships than to their success. Should there be mutual attraction? Of course. But a tidal wave of desire can point to a lot of underlying toxic behavior in one or both partners. If I'm feeling overwhelming desire at the onset, I'm either being love-bombed (and I learned quickly to identify that behavior) or there's something in me that may be trying to fulfill a need in an unhealthy way.

In terms of daily choices in my personal and professional lives, I'm old enough to have spent too may hours staring in my closet or obsessing over a carefully worded email to be a perfectionist anymore! Life is too short for that mindset.

I was today year old when I first saw the word limerence. I honestly thought it was a mis type and was puzzling what it might be, when I decided to google it. I think I always termed it infatuation but I guess it's that on steroids.

Live and learn as they say.

Not sure I agree with some of the article, but I had to laugh. It brought to mind these 2 recent scenarios -

We are in the process of searching for and purchasing everything for our guest bath remodel. I don't remember which item it was (lighting maybe), but I showed something to DH and said "It's fine". He said, "fine? We're not looking for fine. We're looking for great".

And...

I was at the tile store and I heard one worker yell to another "<name> called for you". I know <name> but it's not an uncommon name so thought it's probably not the same <name>. A couple days later I was driving past her house and there was a dumpster in the driveway. Aha! It was her. Called her and we talked about our renovation process. She said she needed the tile store to show her 3 tiles and she'd pick one of those. On the other hand, we looked at every single tile they had in the store. Brought some home. Ordered a bunch of sample tiles on line. Walked past guest bath several times a day to look at them. Went back to store. Finalized purchase.

Moral of the story is we're all different. I mostly enjoy the hunt (except when I get burned out looking at lights!). My friend does not enjoy the search. Her bathroom is done and she's very happy. I'm very sure when mine is done (starting 6/1), I too will be very happy.

On a bit of a tangent. In college I read Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni‘s Arranged Marriage: Stories. It forever changed my perceptions of a tradition I previously thought deplorable. The collection of horrific abuse stories mixed with beautiful love stories built on common values was eye opening and it gave me a new understanding of all marriages in general. The author simultaneously dispelled old cliches and misconceptions of arranged marriages while also offering insightful subtle critique. I think I need to reread it for it was decades ago but it was one of those books that left a long lasting mark.