Her husband - your ex-husband - he’s still there? Can you just call him and ask if she wants you there?

I’m thinking if you weren’t specifically invited then I’d assume you’re not. I wouldn’t ask her directly because that would likely result in an invite regardless of her intention. If you feel close enough that you truly think you might be expected without being explicitly invited, then I’d go the ask the ex route. I’d phrase it in the negative so that HE doesn’t end up inviting you. ”I just want to make sure I’m not expected at the private event, correct?”

I agree with others that you should ask your ex-husband.

I would not go, nor would I ask. I would assume there will be plenty of relatives attending the private services, so it’s not likely she would feel distressed that you aren’t there. I would call and offer condolences or to help with preparations without mentioning it. If she wants you there, she will ask you to come.

thanks, everyone. i will contact my ex over the weekend and get his input.

sherry came out for sunday morning coffee. we did discuss the funeral arrangements and she told me that while i would be welcome at the private services, she said she'd understand if i didn't come since she and my ex and 2 or 3 others would be the only people i know.

introducing me to strangers by name can sometimes be awkward because many times, people will ask if i'm related to my ex. it just doesn't happen often that people stay as friendly post-divorce as we have.

so, i have decided to forego the private service but will definitely go to the life celebration after. we're both good with it and i'm relieved. i have only attended 2 funerals since my husband's and those were when 2 of his brothers passed away. just being in this funeral home is very emotional for me and sherry knows this. even 20 years later, it brings back memories i would rather not deal with. i hope that doesn't sound selfish.

Perfect!

As a side note, I think it’s wonderful for your son that his parents are still close and amicable. That is rare, indeed.

Glad you found a solution to this current situation.

I'm glad you found a solution. I think it's marvelous that you and your ex have such a nice relationship. Your son is a lucky guy. That doesn't happen often, and the kids pay the price. You must be a lovely person, and your ex too.

Just goes to show when people can be open and honest.

thanks, everyone, for the lovely sentiments. my ex really is a wonderful person. after 25 years together, we mutually decided that we had drifted apart enough that we should just go ahead and split up while we were both still young enough to pursue our own interests. we have both lived happily apart and still very much consider each other "family". our son was in law school at that time and was mature enough to understand that the decision wasn't made in haste or because of any sort of dislike of each other.

this is a very small, rural town. you know the kind, where everybody knows everybody. when we both found different partners, we often went out for dinner together and went together to different social functions when our son visited. to say tongues wagged is an understatement!

sherry and i talked mostly about her mom and what a fantastic person she was. all 4 of her daughters were at her bedside the last few hours of her life. they sang gospel songs to her, she smiled and tried to sing along. she closed her eyes and took her last breath while they were all holding her hands. 😢

I think it was here that someone recently asked what ”surrounded by loved ones” means, if it’s literal. I guess for Sherry’s mom it was!

it most definitely was!! 💙