Tisha, that's sad and it is a dysfunctional situation and not one easily remedied even by willing victims. If you want legal advise, go to a lawyer or at least an agency dealing with aging. What you will get here are opinions and are worth what you paid for them.

I suspect each state has written into their codes exact criteria of what constitutes an obligation or liability and it could differ from state to state. I don't think a child can be held liable for their parent's care or supervision indefinitely. If they are in your care and they live in squalor, that's a different story. I think you have to either be granted that right by a court and be also willing to assume it, or by the parents in a POA, again with your consent. However, I have no idea of what liability is entailed in knowing of a situation where a parent is endangering themselves and it is not reported. Ask an expert in that field.

I've had to interact with disfunctional people in my own family as well as a completely crazy one in my ex's family, &, although it never made me rich, it taught me a lot!

You are not a member of this couple's family, & you have no legal relationship to them, & neither they nor their children are concerned or willing to change the way things are.

Just expressing an opinion will stir up resentment, & if you were to take *any* action that would expose the situation to the "authorities", every one of them, SO included, would be infuriated.

& bringing in the authorities is a lot easier than getting them out again;
once the health dept or the council on aging or whatever gets into the picture, the family has *no more say in what happens*;
the couple's entire future is out of the hands of the family & in the hands of the authorities.

The couple could be declared incompetent, lose their home, be put into care, & have a guardian handling their business, including their banking, their income, & their money.

Stay out of it.

Since they are in their own home & they aren't endangering anyone else, stay with the brother & enjoy the parents' company when they come to his home.

When they are much older or when they need help or care, the situation will resolve itself;
the sons will deal with it when they have to.

Meanwhile, keep your distance, be polite, & smile.

I am listening, if that counts. I am sorry for their lifestyle which affects their relationships. Keep an eye out for that depression manifesting in ways that are more harmful than dirt though, and be ready to help out an issue arises that comes from it. In the meantime, keep kids and dogs out of it; it's your right. Hope they address the underlying issue that's bothering them and that filth is the worst thing that happens to them.

You know, I think Sylvia is right. Knowing the legalities of a situation are far different than taking action. These people are still young. Believe me, fifties and sixties are young and it's how they're choosing to live right now. It's not against the law to be eccentric. Down the road, is down the road if they're not hurting themselves or anybody else.

Tisha, as long as the sun shines on this earth there are going to be folks like you've described.
Nothing you can do about it.

I once cleaned my MIL's house while she was in the hospital.
I took pictures so I could put everything back in it's
place and it was my intention to just give it a good
cleaning and not say anything. I honestly thought I was doing a good deed.

A NOSY neighbor called her while she was in the hospital
after she had been asked not to. My MIL was LIVID, to say the least. I never cleaned her house again.
It wasn't like you've described here, just really dirty because she was elderly and her eyesight was bad.

After I thought about it, I could see her point. I had no business cleaning her house.

So dear Tisha, leave it be.

Sylvia said it better than I could have. The only thing I can add is that I feel for you. My reaction would be exactly the same.

One conclusion seems unavoidable: If they're still living in those conditions when they either die or are moved to a nursing home, their children will have the job of mucking out. (It is this thought that keeps me from being an even worse housekeeper than I am.)

Look at it this way. There are much younger people that live the same way. It's not a matter of age. If they were in their 80s or 90s and this was a recent development, it might be a sign of decreased function. But they are still comparatively young by today's standards.

Suppose that some member of your family thought that you were not the housekeeper that you should be. How would YOU feel if someone meddled in the way the way that YOU lived? If you weren't hurting anyone, it would be no one else's business.

Just stay away as much as possible. Other people have this problem and manage. So can you. I agree, when children are involved, it's best to keep them away.

Then there is this.... If Social Services or the Board of Health, by some slight chance discovered them living in less than healthy conditions and stepped in, there would be finger pointing at the family for letting their loved ones live in such conditions.
We've had that happen 2xs to a woman down the street and she is only in her 60s. A hoarder to the max....it took 2 huge dumpsters to clear out her house this last time....and this was less than 2 yrs after the 1st intervention.
Its a no win situation for the family.

The original question was whether an authority would hold a child/children responsible for negligence or abuse, I believe, should their parents be found in an unsafe or unsanitary situation. Not whether something 'should' be done about it or whether to get involved.

My guess is that unless a court says you are responsible for your parents by adjudging them incompetent, or you have entered into a contract with the parents to assume their control before the fact.......you may not be. Parents are for minor children, because they created those children. One does not, however, choose to be a child. Most children have a vested interest in the estate of their parents, if there is one. Many children do it out of love or duty. But, I assume there are plenty of elderly adults put into custodial care who have children 'somewhere' who chose not to be involved. That's why it would be wise to find out where one stands proactively down the road. It's not always prudent to wait until a situation demands attention to know what course one shall have to take. That's where legal advise is invaluable.

DH had a bachelor uncle just like that. He was a retired dentist and a millionaire to boot. His house was just horrible, dining room piled high with papers of all kinds, bedclothes never changed, dust everywhere. He never threw anything away - kept egg cartons, all kinds of bags, every piece of mail he ever got.

We used to give him a food basket for Christmas and we found it on the dining room table along with others that were given to him, covered with dust 2 years old. He was in his late eighties and had his faculties, so nothing could be done.

He fell 3 times, was sent to 3 different rehab centers to recuperate which he did, and then insisted on going home against all advice from doctors and family members.

DH finally said if you go home, you're on your own. Uncle got a neighbor to go to the store for him and he lived on peanut butter and bananas. Slept on a chair because he couldn't go up the stairs. Had a 4-burner gas stove, 3 of which did not work, and a refrigerator that was an antique (teeny tiny freezer compartment at the right top of the refrigerator). He passed away in January and it took 4 men 5 days to clean up the house for the public auction.

Anyway, as others have said, there's nothing you can do about it, unfortunately. Did your SO grow up in that house?

have dealth with similar situations..first..it isn't your business..but if you make it your business you might be in for big do do.

you could contact the health department NOW regarding them..if you want to butt in.

you will risk alienation and possibly worse.

they have a right to live as they want no matter how we hate it..i have had family members and acquaintences that have live in such a manner..

it is their right

Wow... I guess my original post must have been REALLY unclear. I have no intention of saying or doing anything about it. Like, I said though, if I have kids, and they ask why the kids aren't allowed in their house, I will be honest with them.

My biggest concern is if/when SO and I get married... will we be responsible at all for the way they are living, once they are older? Like I said, I worry about them daily, but I also worry about what we will be responsible for later on.

I understood that, Tisha. It's a legitimate question and one you should address before the fact. Like I said, unless you assume that responsibility with consent, probably not but you need to ascertain the grey areas for your own security. Ask an authority on aging, or an attorney.

Thanks, Calliope! I actually had meant to mention that you seemed to be the only one who understand what I was asking, in my 2nd post. I guess I cut and didn't end up pasting that sentence. lol

Do you think the department of health might be able to give me some general info (obviously, I'd try to keep my question anonymous.)

Nobody in a "public" job is likely to give what might be considered legal information, too much liability.

Tisha, you are not alone in this problem.
There are forums for children of hoarders
and folks that for whatever reason live in filthy houses.
Google one and perhaps there will be others with your
concerns that have found a solution they could share.
At the very least you will be able to read other stories
of people like you who live with this every day.

While these are not your parents,
I can see where you would be deeply concerned as well you should be.

Good luck.

"If they're still living in those conditions when they either die or are moved to a nursing home, their children will have the job of mucking out." That's how you'll be responsible.

I just don't see how you can be otherwise, unless your SO has "official" responsibility in some way. That said, you would not believe the mess we had to clean when my about to be EX's mother moved out. We hated being at her house for the same reason, but didn't do anything except clear out a path for her walker so she didn't trip. Eventually, she did and got put in nursing home because she wouldn't do the therapy and ended up not being able to care for herself. It took care of itself, and even when she got hurt, she just moved. I think it would have to be a danger point for anyone to be liable... at least on a common sense level, not legal one.

Tisha,

I work in the bio recovery industry; and you would be surprised how many people live like that. You are right; the house probably is toxic. Your S.O.'s parents are probably immune to most air bourne pathogens that are in there. In most instances; people who reside in residences like that are indeed embarrassed by the present condition of their dwelling; and won't let people who visit them inside the door.

The majority of jobs I have been is not technically hoarding, but rather, severe bouts of depression. Houses end up in that condition because the occupant's get overwhelmed with the clutter that started ro accumilate years before.

If there is food under the clutter, there is also vermin. This will include various insects, and mice. If the residence is truly filthy; smells of a combination garbage and moisture; and things are truly piled to the ceiling; the health dept. would probably condemn the house; it would then have to be cleaned professionally, and pass a state inspection after that.

When we have to do a residence like that; we wear bio suits 90% of the time. We wear GOOD masks 100% of the time; and we usr a powerful "fogger" to spray a disinfectant for every layer we get to. Sometimes we have to bomb for bugs.

Somehow, the parents must be approached; and convinced that they can no longer live in this manner. I would suggest professional cleaners. If the family decides to clean it themselves; I would suggest rubber gloves; a dumpster, long sleeved shirts, and most importantly; 3M N100 masks.

All of the clients I have served have been extremely embarrassed when we arrive; but all of them have been the nicest people I have ever met. They need a sympathetic ear, and need to be approached with dignity and respect.

I am sorry for your situation, and I wish you luck. If you have any questions; please don't hesitate to ask.

Thanks so much for the info. I'm glad to see that you mentioned depression, because I've said for a long time that I believe that is SO's mom's biggest problem.

There are definately mice in the house, and sometimes ants. The stangest thing is, I've never seen a roach in either of their houses (they moved about 5 years ago to the current place... the old place is still full of stuff... they moved one item at a time.) There was even a small snake living in the current house for a while.

They never have regular visitors, but they do let family members in the house. They live outside of town now, on some land, so they don't have neighbors or anything.

OOps. Got carried away there; and away from your original question. In most cases; the children whose parents live in those condiditons, offspring are Not responsible for the way their parents live. It is their choice to live that way; and may continue to do so until the health Dept. steps in. As long as they are mentally and physically sound; they are responsible for their home. The health dept. rarely gets involved unless there is a complaint from an outside party. (Such as a neighbor complaining from a foul smell emitted from the house).

In most cases offspring are Not responsible unless the parents are living with them in the offspring's home; which is kept in the same condition.

The children are also responsible when one of them has Power of Attorney; is in charge of their finances; and are aware of the conditions they are living in; and do nothing about it.

Hope this helps!

Jan,

You can come clean my house ANYTIME you want!!!!!
You don't even have to take pictures, bless your heart.
I don't care if things are put back in the same spot or not.