YARD WORK - AS VIEWED FROM HEAVEN

(overheard in a conversation between God and St. Francis):

God: Francis, you know all about gardens and nature; what in the

world is going on down there in the U.S.? What happened to the

dandelions, violets, thistles and the stuff I started eons ago?

I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow

in any type of soil, withstand drought, and multiply with

abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts

butterflies, honeybees, and flocks of songbirds. I expected to

see a vast garden of color by now. All I see are patches of

green.

St. Francis: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. They are

called the Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers

"weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them

with grass.

God: Grass? But it is so boring, it's not colorful. It doesn't

attract butterflies, bees or birds, only grubs and sod worms.

It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites

really want grass growing there?

St. Francis: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it has grown a

little, they cut it....sometimes two times a week.

God: They cut it? Do they bale it like hay?

St. Francis: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put

it in bags.

God: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

St. Francis: No sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it

away.

God: Now let me get this straight...they fertilize it to make it

grow and when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it

away?

St. Francis: Yes, sir.

God: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we

cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows

the growth and saves them a lot of work.

St. Francis: You aren't going to believe this Lord, but when the

grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more

money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get

rid of it.

God: What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees.

That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself.

The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade

in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a

natural blanket to keep the moisture in the soil and protect the

trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves become compost

to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.

St. Francis: You'd better sit down, Lord. As soon as the leaves

fall, the Suburbanites rake them into great piles and pay to

have them hauled away.

God: No way! What do they do to protect the shrubs and tree

roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

St Francis: After throwing the leaves away, they go out and buy

something called mulch. They haul it home and spread it around

in place of the leaves.

God: And where do they get this mulch?

St. Francis: They cut down the trees and grind them up to make

mulch.

God: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore.

Saint Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have

you scheduled for us tonight?

St. Catherine: "Dumb and Dumber," Lord. It's a really stupid

movie about....

God: Never mind--I think I just heard the whole story from Saint

Francis!