LOL!!!!!!!!!!!

What a hoot!

WOMEN'S ARSE SIZE STUDY
There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their arses.
I thought the results were pretty interesting:
25% of women think their arse is too fat...
10% of women think their arse is too skinny...
The other 65% say that they don't care; they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.

LOL....sure didn't expect that one, alexa...

good one....

and yours too, teresa...

keep em coming....

jill

Okay--here's my favorite these days:

A couple, getting-on in years, decides that since they are getting so "forgetful",
they, perhaps, should start writing everything down as a reminder! Good idea!

One evening, as they are getting ready for bed, the woman says, "You know,
I'm kinda hungry!"

Her wonderful DH says, "Well, what would you like--I'll get it for you?"

She says, "Well, ice cream sounds really good to me!"

He says: "Okay--I'll get it for you!"

She: "Wait--aren't you going to write it down?"

He: "No, I can remember ice cream, for goodness sake!"

She: "But---I want some hot fudge on it, too--you'd better write it down!"

He: "No, I've got it!"

She: "Uhh, but--I also want some nuts on that, as well--write it down!"

He: Emphatically--"I've got it!!"

She: "And---some whipped cream, too? Please--write it down??"

He: "I can remember ice cream, hot fudge, nuts and whipped cream!!!!"

He leaves and is gone for a lo---ng time! When he returns, he hands her a plate
of bacon and eggs!

She: "For crying out loud--you forgot the toast!!!"

One of my favorites is a sign I've seen at craft shows.
The sign says:
If a man speaks in the forest and his wife is not there to hear him,is he still wrong?
My answer to that when I first saw it was,ABSOLUTELY! Phil

here are a couple more.................

Five tips for a woman....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and
   has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and
   doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each
   other.

Foot Note:

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
"If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're
nuts."

Smile, You Look Better That Way!

have a GREAT day...jill

Okay, in the vein of "older" folk--

An elderly lady, very distraught, and thinking to take her own life, after her pet dog of 12+ years dies,
calls the doctor's office! Her question was, "where is my heart located?" Unaware of the woman's
intention, the nurse told her that it was right under her left breast.

Within the hour, an ambulance was summoned to the elderly lady's residence and she was taken
to the hospital for a gun-shot wound to her left knee! :O)

Smiling yet? This is fun!!!

janice

roflol jill!!!

Some of these are cracking me up! thank you! :)

Hope it's ok to contribute these that I got from a friend recently --

Quickie #1
One day, John came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went fishing.

Quickie #2
A woman came home screeching her car into the driveway and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I just won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."

Quickie # 3
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

Quickie #4
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test. The tester showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the tester asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

Quickie #5
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a found a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay"

Quickie #6
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful" he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!
Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM
NOW! We need more butter.
Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful...CAREFUL!
I said be CAREFUL!
Watch out for the splatter!!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!
Turn them! Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them.
You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"
The wife gaped at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a few eggs?"
He answered calmly; "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'M driving."

Quickie #7
Fifty-one years ago, Alton James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Alton a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Alton for 51 years..

Quickie #8
A guy slides onto a stool at our local diner and when the waitress asks him what he'd like, he squints at the menu, then at her and says; "How about a little quickie?"
She belts him and storms off.
The guy sitting next to him leans over and says;
"Aaah, I believe the quiche you asked for is pronounced "keesh!"

Love these jokes! Here's a funny story I got recently.

{{gwi:894627}}

Ok, those close to me call me Barbie and I live fairly near to Cleveland, so here is the one a local friend sent to me.

Greater Cleveland Area Barbies for Christmas

Mattel recently announced the release of Limited-Edition Barbie Dolls for
the Greater Cleveland market:

Westlake Barbie: This princess Barbie is sold only at Crocker Park. She
comes with an assortment of Coach Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a longhaired
foreign dog named Honey and a "cookie cutter" $2,000,000.00 house.
Available with or without tummy tuck and face-lift. Workaholic Ken sold
only in conjunction with "augmented" version.

Strongsville Barbie: A Westlake Barbie Wannabe; shops at South Park Mall, pretends to love Sushi at local Jap eateries, thinks Moby Dick is a male porn star, usually found at Thursday garage sales looking for Ken. Drives low end Jag-u-ars and Mercedes 230C, complete with Bush bumper sticker.

Lakewood Barbie/Ken: This versatile doll can be easily converted from
Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple "snap--on"
parts, with AC/DC adapters.

Brunswick Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her
shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set.
She shops at Home Depot and can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a Confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

Collinwood Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm
Glock handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Pontiac with dark tinted windows and a crack pipe. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills). Unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.

Hunting Valley Barbie: This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and "The Country Club" membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.

Beachwood Barbie: This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Jewish American Princess (JAP) Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while shopping with friends at Beachwood Mall and Legacy Village. Plays Mah Jong on Friday evenings. Faces Sacks or Bloomingdales while engaging in sex...annually. Percocet prescription available.

Elyria Barbie: This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of
her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased
beer-gutted Ken out of another Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes
low-rise acid washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see through
halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.

University Circle Barbie: This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long
straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and
Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow".
She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two University
Circle Barbies and the optional Saab wagon, you get a rainbow flag
and Stop the War bumper sticker free.

Parma Barbie: This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford
Windstar Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no
full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone
sold separately.

And the sad part.........living within a 30 mile radious of these areas, I have actually seen all these Barbies, lol.

And here is a copy of an e mail sent to me.

What's just 2.5 inches long
and can satisfyany woman
Every time?

" scroll down to see!!!! >
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{{gwi:894630}}

HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

It's always awesome and a little disturbing to see nature at work. Now,
thanks to a photo from Nature Magazine, Inc., we're able to see it in
full force.

One reason alligators can become so overwhelming in population in
certain areas is because they have no natural predators. They are
eating machines, and with a tough outer coating and great swimming
ability, they generally get to fight on their own turf where they nearly
always win.

In this case a wild dog pack caught the gator on land, unable to make it
back to his soggy home field. The dogs, working together as a team,
managed to take the gator down. Note how the alpha dog, the leader, is
holding onto the gator's snout to keep him from biting, while the others
hold him down to keep him from rolling and thrashing.

I won't lie to you, the picture is disturbing, and this page is set up
in such a way that you'll have to scroll down to see it, in case there
are any squeamish among you who don't want a peek.

Please, check this photo out before you clear your children or any minor
to look at it:

{{gwi:894631}}

And these are only the cleanest e mails my friends send me, I do get some doozies, lol.

partymusic, you have me in tears..hysterical! especially #4 & #5. i love the biscuit one. i've read it before but it's always funny!

i don't remember jokes. i only have one but some might find it sacreligious...so i'll refrain for now. lol