I don't have any English cucumbers to suggest, but I do have a couple of thoughts. The odd shapes are indicative of pollination in less than suitable conditions for cucumbers (that's why they are fat at one end). Were they indeed grown in a greenhouse? They look as lopsided as many of mine grown outdoors did this season. It was too cool to have good pollination. Secondly, if you want them to grow straight, trellis them so that they hang down. That way they won't have the bent necks.
Lastly, it's not a English cucumber, but I recommend a French Cornichon type that doesn't need to be cross-pollinated in order to set fruit. Cool Breeze. Maybe the fact that it doesn't need to be pollinated will help with the bulging and seed issue.

Thanks, Jackbenny! These weren't grown in a greenhouse, but the growing conditions were certainly less than ideal. We've had a very cool summer! I won't count the drought since I kept them well watered. I do have them trellised and the crooked shapes are even on the highest ones on the vines. So I'll assume the very cool temps is the cause. I'm still looking for another variety of English cucumbers, these have too many seeds and when I scrape them out there's hardly any flesh left.