I think it is terribly important for her to have her own bedroom even if it is used as a guest room when she is not there. I would consider a basement to be second class space and she might think so too.

Four bedrooms is a design problem like any other; it doesn't have to be a budget buster. The young ones don't need a lot of space. I divided a bedroom temporarily for two of my children.

Who is designing the house?

I can only give you an example.

My brother has an 11 year old daughter from a previous marriage. He and his 2nd wife have 2 daughters and built a new home a few years ago. His eldest daughter has her own room and bathroom, even though they have joint custody and she does not live there full time. The two younger daughters (ages 3 and 5) have their own bedrooms but share a Jack-n-Jill bath. With such an age gap, the eldest will be off to college and out of the house before the youngest would even consider whining about her own bathroom. And FWIW, the two younger daughters now choose to share a bedroom, as younger sisters (or brothers) often do.

In your case, if all the bedrooms are on a 2nd level, I would NOT put her bedroom in the basement. If you are building a ranch or single level, that's possibly a different story.

IMHO, I would do the 4th bedroom without giving it a second thought. It's not "wasted space" if you can then use this room as an office or guest room when she leaves for college or moves out of the house. Regardless of how often she is actually there, you want your stepdaughter to feel like she is part of your family and has her own personal space. This will be particularly important as your stepdaughter hits adolesence and needs somewhere to get away. Cut your budget elsewhere and indulge your husband on this request. Surely an 11 x 12 room is worth keeping your husband (and stepdaughter) happy and content.

How would you feel living in the basement while you visit your father and his wife and their new children? Not a great way to establish family unity IMHO.

I agree with macv completely.

In my experience, shared custody arrangements can be fluid so that you might find your stepdaughter spending more time with you (or less) as she gets older. There could be a time in her life when your home represents a place a stability and peacefulness for her and she may want to spend more time there. She may relish being the "big sis" to her half-siblings and want to be a bigger part of their lives. You may give her something that she can't get from any other and she may want to cultivate a deeper relationship with you.

Of course, it could go the other way, but an 11x12 space is a small price to pay to have a place in which she can feel nurtured. You state that it is only 8 days per month. However, that is 25% of her life and when you are 11, that feels like much more time that when you are three times that age.

Good luck and blessings on your family - Jo Ann

I have typed out 3 responses now, and I've had to delete them all. This post is just sad, pitiful and, quite frankly, disturbing. How would you feel if it was your "daughter" and your husband wanted to put her in the basement, away from the family, just because she wasn't there every night of the week?

Let's give arisonn credit for asking; she obviously knows this is an important decision and we know very little about her situation. She's a parent so she will do the right thing for her family after she has explored all of the options.

I knew this post would generate some strong responses. ThatÂs why I put the word "stepchildren" in the posting title, because I wanted to get responses and I know people have strong feelings about these issues. I just mentioned that putting the bedroom in the basement was an option, not the only option. The reason I posed the question was because itÂs an option we were considering but I had a feeling people might have the response you all have had so far, and I wanted to check.

My thought was that a teenager might like a private space with her own bathroom away from the young children. Apparently no one agrees with me? A lot of house plans have bedrooms split between levels  some in a daylight basement, some on the main floor and some on the second floor. I donÂt think most people are concerned about the children feeling left out if the master is on the main and the other bedrooms upstairs, so why is the basement different?

I think the issue is that she is a step child and lives with you temporarily so you don't want her to feel like her bedroom is shoved in the basement - too Cinderella-ish. True, some kids like that but you are on pretty precarious ground here, as the stepmother with the new young children. I think her bedroom should be on the same level as the rest of your children.

She is 12 however, so why not ask her? Do you want a bedroom next to x and y or would you like us to build you a bedroom in the basement. If you do ask, though, you need to respect her decision, whatever it is.

Don't make too many assumptions about the future; keep your options open. I didn't plan on having more than two children but fortunately I did.

The usual definition of a basement is that it is vertically more than half buried in the ground therefore "walk-out basements are usually not really basements making it difficult to discuss bedrooms in basements without seeing the design. In the end it's just another design problem that requires some skill to solve properly.

I suggest involving your stepdaughter in the design of the house by asking her what she thinks. She knows more about being a stepchild than anyone else and probably knows other kids in her situation. So, sign her up so she will participate in a positive way instead of criticizing what you come up with.

Take good care of that little girl in case you live to be 100 like my father-in-law. I have found that men don't make the best caretakers even if you are their natural parent.

I agree with all the above posts. Especially the one about asking her and involving her. She may very well love the "lower level", as that is where my son wanted to have his space.

I have seen childen of this age move in with the non-custodial parent in an agreeable arrangement between the parents, so at some point in the future it could turn into something either more permanent or just more frequent.

Best of luck.

Too much is being assumed by too many without enough to go on. For one thing, is the basement a dank, dark place with nothing else down there, or is it just another daylight living level, which includes other amenities? Or is it yet something else? We simply don't know.

We also don't know anything about the child's personality and how she perceives the world, so perhaps it would be better not to project our own experiences onto someone we don't really know.

As to whether a bedroom in the basement is odd or not, the answer around here is no, not if it is a daylight (walkout) basement. Then it is fairly common. Our own build has the guest bedroom in the basement. It also happens to be the brightest room in the entire house, with plentiful natural light and a private entrance to the adjoining full bath.

Every house is different, and so is every family. Hopefully, Arisson can find her own answer with a little more help from the forum--and a little less criticism, implied or otherwise.

To answer macvÂs question of who is designing the house, the answer is: I donÂt know yet. Right now IÂm trying to make some basic decisions about the design of the house (size, types and numbers of rooms) and think about how weÂre going to live in the house. Our budget is very modest. I need to make sure that we can afford to build a house weÂd like to live in and also that we can live with a house we can afford to build. The budget and the design have to work together. So IÂm just starting to think about who would design it.

As far as basements are concerned, walk out basements are pretty common here in hilly western PA. I have one now. Our 1.5 acre lot where we will build is mildly to moderately sloped down from left to right and back to front, so even though I donÂt know exactly how the house would sit or what the design would be, I imagine that getting at least one bedroom with a lot of light and perhaps even a door to the outside would be possible. I wouldnÂt want to build a bedroom in the basement for anyone unless it had decent natural light.

I do anticipate that our future is not set in stone. We may have more children and my stepdaughter may end up spending more time with us. If she does, I thought the basement option was a good one since sheÂd have her own space whether she just visited occasionally or moved in full time, while still allowing a compact footprint for the house.

I talked to my husband after reading some of these responses and he spoke to his daughter while driving her here this evening for her weekly visit. She said sheÂd prefer the basement, which is kind of what I thought. She likes peace and quiet and privacy and thinks of our house as a refuge from her motherÂs more hectic one. So should we go ahead with this idea, some people might perceive it as Cinderella-ish or that we are putting her in a second class space, and the truth is that the decision is largely a financial one, but it makes me feel better to know that she doesnÂt think weÂre "shoving her down to the basement."

I think you could get away with just three bedrooms if you let the two smaller kids share a room. Presumably, your stepdaughter will be 13 when you actually move into the house. Then it's only five years until she is off to college. A lot of us lost our bedrooms back home when we went off to college. I think the two younger kids would be ready to be have their own rooms at that point.

If she likes the basement, that's all that matters.

If she likes the basement, your problem is solved. 13 can be a painful age and it's not surprising she feels the need for her own space. When the time comes, by all means solicit her input on the design of the space.

You should let her participate in the design of the basement bedroom and ask her to choose some special personal features, but I would be hesitant to give her an outside door for security reasons not to mention the possibility of late night wanderings; we live in a different world than the one we grew up in. But a door might be necessary for fire safety.

These are difficult issues and they would push me toward a separate first or second floor bedroom solution that could become a den or guest room later.

But the ideal solution would be a balance between privacy and supervision ... possibly a third floor attic bedroom under the rafters with great views. A fantastic attic space can often be created for less money than a basement space if the rafter pitch is adequate. Remember, even Cinderella lived in a garret, not the basement.

By the time the babies are able to give her a hard time she will be off on her own but don't assume she won't be back; the empty nest is a thing of the past too. You can't have too many bedrooms and sharing a bathroom is just fine for anyone not actually paying their share of the mortgage.

macv said, "I would be hesitant to give her an outside door for security reasons not to mention the possibility of late night wanderings; we live in a different world than the one we grew up in."

Based on what happened to some friends' children with bedrooms in the lower level, I would agree with this statement. I would also want a teenager on the same floor or higher than the one the parents are on for the same reason. It's easy to come and go through a basement egress window at night without having the parents know.

Anne

These are the issues that design professionals deal with for a living. Don't underestimate their complexity and difficulty or try to solve all of them alone; it would be like putting together a treatment plan before seeing a doctor.

Your situation is more common than you might think; many of my clients have complicated families; my brother and sister-in-law separated and I had to finish a new house project with her and her new boy friend. Another client lost his wife during the design phase, then we redesigned the house (against my advice) because he said he would never marry again but during a site visit I ran into him and a lovely woman and he introduced me to his fiance so I had to redesign it again.

But nothing is more difficult than money so combining family complexities and a tight budget is terribly difficult. But you should think of it as just another design challenge and start looking for a smart solution. Tough problems most often result in better projects for reasons I have never fully understood.

I think most teenagers would prefer to have a nice, private basement bedroom than be near their parents and baby half siblings. If the basement will be completely finished and her room would be off a play/family room, I think that would be great. Maybe the easy egress issue can be addressed with door/window alarms (are you doing an alarm system?).

I grew up in a contemporary style house where the children's bedrooms were on the first floor and the master was on the second. Neither my sister or I ever snuck out the window. It would have been the end of life as we knew it (at the hands of my father) if we ever did, and we knew it. If that becomes an issue I would tell her that if she sneaks out, or sneaks people in, you will have no choice but to have her sleep on a futon in one of the other kid's rooms. And mean it.

You made the right move by involving your stepdaughter (SD). The safety concerns re a basement room are legitimate but need to be based on your specific situation (e.g., neighborhood location, temperament of your SD, etc.). Despite non-stop media coverage of any event, the odds of anything happening to your SD in a basement room are very very low. Of course, odds are meaningless when you are the "1 in..." And don't be fooled into thinking a more central location will prevent any shenanigans. I became very skilled at exiting my 3rd floor room by dropping out the back window onto our one-story flat-roofed garage. Reentry was trickier but still low-risk.

Let her pick the room colors and ask if she is interested in doing some of the work. It could be a good bonding experience. Good luck...

I was the product of a divorced household and my step mother was so kind to always have a bedroom designated for my brother and I in each of the homes they had all the way through college. We were always included in the house hunting process when they moved both times. Even though we were every other weekend and holiday children. We remain close to this day because of this.

I never really realized how thoughtful this was until my own daughter was devasted by what her father did to her recently. She is 12 now and visits once month and on holidays. Her father bought a new house in another state without a 4th bedroom and put her in a basement room with no bathroom. She was so upset and hurt. She was 10 when this happened. First of all they didn't consult her until they had decided to move and bought the house, then told her. And who wants to stay in a basement by themselves with no bathroom? She really hates it. She never wants to go there anymore because she is not treated as part of their family, just a visitor. Her step siblings take her things when she is not there. Just las week they went to Disney World without her. Things like this can ruin a child for life and put them in therapy as an adult.

I also have a friend that has had some of the worst arguments with her 2nd husband over the way this same type of issue. They had a huge fight that almost led to divorce over which child got the bigger room in a new house. Each year they alternate the room between the 2 children. And the 2 of them struggle constantly surrounding their partiality to their respective child.

So while the posts may seem somewhat critical, reality is that your future relationship and overall household harmony can be affected by such decisions like the one you are facing. For your marriage and for your relationship with your step daughter, I recommend you include her in your decisions just like she lived there all the time. She is after all a part of your husband and she was there before you were in his life. Just because she doesn't live there all the time doesn't make her not a part of your newly created family. I got really upset about this post that you were even considering not having her own room equal to that of the other children. Sorry for being emotional on a house forum. Take the advice from those who have been impacted by such decisions. It breaks my heart every time my ex does something to hurt my baby.

Lower level, first level, second level.... if a child wants to journey in the middle of the night or have visitors, they well. Door, window, doesn't matter.

My bedroom was right beside my dad's, my mom died when I was 13, and at the age of around 16 (when I met my future husband) it was nothing for him to park across the field and walk over to my house. We lived 10 miles from town, quarter mile off the main road on a private drive.

In our new home, my teenage son's room and guest rooms are on the lower level, along with rec room, etc. I have 9, well 8 ft ceilings and 5 sliders because I didnt want it to feel like a cave. I was also concerned about having escape routes in the event of fire.

We are also doing a security system and a survellance camera at the front door that you can access from any computer that could have 4 cameras I think. I think it also records based on motion.

I thought this would be the empty nest house, with a basement bedroom to ride out the storms and maybe a guest room tucked into the attic, but my daughter and grandson have moved back home while she goes back to school and I couldn't be happier. When they are gone, we can close off those spaces for heating & air.

Anyways, sounds like you are on the right track and wise in early planning.

Spend the money on the 4th bedroom and have her decorate it. I have been through this. Isolating her is not good. You may not see it as that way. But that is exactly what it is. She will see it as you don't care enough about her to give her own room. She spends 1/3 her life with you guys. And never know. Down the road it could be more.

As a teenager, I coveted the "basement" bedroom. Not all basements are created equal and most of the critics here seem to think that all basements are dark, damp unfriendly spaces.

I will add my 2 cents again. I am not trying to sound sexist but... I have 4 brothers of vastly differing ages and can safely say that all four very much desired the "basement" bedroom in my childhood home. It was literally passed down the line from oldest to youngest. I can also safely say my eldest sister and I never once squabbled over the basement bedroom. It was a finished basement with full windows too, although not up to today's standards for lower levels. I know many many boys who desire the basement spaces. Girls? Not so much. Would you put "your" daughter down there if she insisted she wanted a lower level bedroom? Probably not. Kids usually don't know what's best for them- even if she says she's fine with it now, down the road she may see it as a calculating move on your part to isolate her from her father (and your family.) If your other children's bedrooms are downstairs, that's a different story and I rest my case.

If I were in this situation I would put the two youngest together regardless of sex and make a nice pretty room upstairs for your SD. Then I would finish the basement with a guest suite. As the years roll on, the SD would have the option of moving down to the suite when she's a little older. At that time, the two younger ones could each get their own room as well. Toddlers really don't care if they have a room to themselves. In fact many will sleep with their siblings even if they have their own room. Is there a reason you think that the two youngest shouldn't share a room? I think this solution would be both practical and economical.

She may have agreed to the basement idea because she could sence your desired response. I teach middle schoolers;they know more than many adults may want to believe. I am/was also a stepchild who longed to please my daddy-my hero. Hindsight has revealed the subtle ways his wife tried to make sure that she,my dad and my sister were their own little family unit. I probably would have agreed to the basement even if I didn't want to do so and, I had/have a very endearing relationship with my mother. Of course, you make the decision;but since you've posted you grievance to the forum, I say,"Nix the basement idea."

your "step" daughter is your husbands daughter ...and a full member of your family whether she stays with you full time or not. i'll not go on any further as i agree, this post is disturbing ...only to say i think you should plan on spending whatever necessary to include your new daughter instead of potentially risking her feeling like a second rate visitor. i do think it's a great idea to ask her what she would like to have and where. good luck.

i'm sorry. i didn't read through all the posts. i'm glad your husband spoke with his daughter. twelve is a funny age; so close to being independent yet still a child! it's important for her to be a part of the planning and i'm sure she will be excited for her new room, no matter where it's located.

"i think you should plan on spending whatever necessary..."

Not realistic advice for most people. Most people actually have a budget, a finite amount they can spend. For many it is a luxury to build another room on a house for someone who lives there, at most, part time. As far as the two younger children sharing a room so the 12 year old gets her own room, how would she feel if her mother married someone and had a child and then she had to share her room so her step father's daughter, who visits, every other weekend, can get her own room? 20 years ago children shared a room and no one considered it a great crime, after all.

I suggested the room sharing strictly because of the ages of the three children regardless of the parentage. I still place my bet that the two toddlers will voluntarily share a room even if they have separate rooms. It's not the same comparison to discuss the feelings of a 12 year old sharing a room compared to the feelings of a 2 year old.

Yes sometimes wishes and budget just don't agree, and budget has veto power. Money just only goes so far and when it's gone, it's gone.

If I were buying a new house, then I would lean towards the two little ones sharing, and the 3rd bedroom for the older sibling.

If I were building, I would lean towards discussing it with the older child, and sort of have a plan a & b. THe above mentioned would be my plan A, but if I were just in the planning stage, it will be 2010 and maybe even 2011 before it is complete, so the 12 year old will be 13 and maybe even 14. That is 2 more years of relationship building and she will know your heart and know if your intentions and reasonings are sincere in whatever you decide and the budget allows.

My plan b would be lower level, or attic type bedroom space which will then be used for a guest room or some other purpose years down the road. During this planning & building stage, (and relationship building) you will learn if that is what she REALLY wants, and she will learn that isn't just some place you feel obligated and just "want to stick her". So I would keep flexibility in the back of my mind as you guys figure these things out about each other.

They may all 3 end up in the same space when it comes to bedtime anyways, but at least they will know they have their own space when they want/need it.

With kids it is just hard to say. Even on the same floor, if she is in a separate room and the other two get to be together whispering and giggling, she may still feel like the outsider.

Gosh, hadn't thought of this in years, but we grew up in a brand new 3 bedroom, with one boy and 3 girls, so we 3 girls shared. My older sister is 12 years older, and my younger sister is 3 years younger than me. My older sister married and moved out at 18, so that would have been 18, 6, and 4 year old sharing a bed at the end. I don't remember much about it at all, but my older sister reminds me from time to time, because we got into her makeup daily while she was at school, that and I was a bed wetter :-/

Let me say, for purposes of clarification, that I have been in my stepdaughterÂs life since she was 4, so we have had many years to build a relationship. Also, the question of where to put her bedroom is not so much a matter of inclusion or exclusion, but more a consideration of her age and what that permits as far as bedroom location. I would want my bedroom to be close to that of the little ones because they are so young and still need their parents in the middle of the night. My stepdaughter needs us less (in the physical, wet diaper kind of way), so I donÂt see a strong need to keep her bedroom near ours. Ideally, IÂd like to move the little ones to another part of the house when they were older for reasons of privacy, but thatÂs not practical.

With regard to the issue of budget, being able to build a house is in itself, a luxury. And the fact that my family may be in a position to do so renders us privileged. However sometimes I think people on this forum are rather out of touch with the reality that many people live with. This is not a matter of giving up a few luxuries to make room in the budget for another bedroom. This decision may affect whether we are able to do this at all. If you consider that the other option may be having to wait until sheÂs so old that she doesnÂt need a bedroom in our house anymore, maybe sheÂd prefer a bedroom in the basement to no new house at all. And frankly, if my stepdaughter is going to need therapy itÂs not going to be because of where we put her bedroom. Many people have bigger problems than that.

arisson,
I did not read everything but I did read enough...
Is your home going to be a ranch or a 2 story with a lower level?
How big is this house going to be?
You can build a 2500 sf with 3 bedrooms and a terrible floor plan
or a 2500 sf with four bedrooms and a functional floor plan and I am pretty sure that the forum members can help you selecting something that works for you.
It is nice that you asked the 12 year old girl where she wants to be but, does a 12 year old know best? Building a home is a big investment.
If I were designing this home and the 12 years old were my niece, I probably would not want her to be in the lower level but I do know that most of my friendÂs teenager kids like to be in the lower level.
What about you deciding later on to have another baby?
Something that you could do is to build the 4th bedroom and use it as an office or studio when the 12 years old is gone and your kids are teenagers or it could become the guest room.

If you didn't think people would stick up for your stepdaughter you are the one out of touch with reality. And if you already knew the answer to the problem why did you ask for help?

When you bring personal issues to a house building forum and get honest free advice you should be thankful and gracious about it instead of defensive and critical.

Off topic/personal discussions should be moved to the "conversations" part of the forum accessible from the front page.

Well, if I were that age and my custodial parent had a home with my own room, but my other parent did not, and I would have to share a room with someone else, I wouldn't want to visit very often. It's a shame that you have a "blended" family and tight finances, but that shouldn't be put on your daughter.

I tend to agree with kimmieb & tinycastles. There does seem to be a sex thing. Girls like to be close to the family, and boys want to be in their own little world. I grew up in a southern swamp region, and basements were some exotic thing that most other folks had, but I did not; I would have loved to have been like Bud Bundy and have the basement.

What size home are you considering building. I think that really matters, also what other rooms are you planning on?

A 4th bedroom would cost less in my area than adding another bathroom. However we don't have basements here and I'm guessing you'd want a bath in the basement anyways.

Adding a 4th bedroom might increase the cost of the house by 5% or less. You could probably save that much by turning your attention and energy toward developing an efficient design rather than agonizing over the program. A four bedroom house gives you good flexibility for the future and it's good for resale. Getting efficient use out of the fewest number bathrooms is important. Getting the best use of the under roof space is also important. Basements are second class spaces no matter how well designed IMHO; and you need that space for the kids as they are growing up and trashing the house. Think drum set and reptiles.

My goodness-let's give this poster the benefit of the doubt. Maybe her house is a lovely ranch with a walk out basement with big windows. My daughter's bedroom is in the basement and she thinks it's pretty cool. She certainly doesn't feel like shes in a dungeon.

With that being said, this is for Arison. Where she sleeps will not be as important as how you treat her. My BIL remarried after his wife died. His new wife treated my twin nieces like her own. They can tell if you love them. Remember that and have more patience than you ever thought you could muster. Let her decorate her own room, so she will feel like she belongs--no matter where her room is.

Another thought--ask her how she feels, and where she would like her room--not us? A 12 yr old might love a basement bedroom.

Here is a link that might be useful: