If he wishes that she had not contacted him, then he should put the whole thing on hold and tell her that he isn't ready to see her, and that he will contact her when and IF he is.

He doesn't have to be mean about it at all. And in fact he can thank her for contacting him, tell her that he is thankful that she gave him up for adoption because he has enjoyed the love of his adoptive parents and had a good upbringing, and that he wishes her well. But that he just isn't ready to see her.

If she has HIS well being as her top priority, then she will understand, even if she is disappointed. Perhaps they can stay in contact through writing letters or something that is more distant than all the sudden out of nowhere his biological mother is on his doorstep.

Great advice. He won't do that though. He has a big heart and is in contact with other bio family members, including his second cousin. He grew up knowing the local part of his bio-family. His birth mom lives in PA. while he was raised in CA.

He just now called me again. He said the big deal was the timing. He was studying for mid terms when she called. He said he told her he loved her too and would welcome her into his life. He said we should be ready for an impending visit. That is fine with me. He will have to learn to deal with her, that is all. This is obviously next up on his life learning curve. If she gets too needy, he will just have to learn to deal with her. He has a half brother now, who is maybe 2 or 3 years old. She wants them to meet.

It will be a bit hard for him but I think he is up for it. I have never shielded him from hard before so it isn't time to start now. She may not realize that he is almost 22. He is just getting his own life. Developmentally, he is trying to separate from parents. Not the best time to get more. LOL!

This will probably be a difficult time for all of you.:( The DH of a friend had walked out of the life of his daughter when she was an infant and lived his life as though she didn't exist. When she was 20, she contacted him to meet him. The weight of his guilt at ignoring his parental obligation for so long was so great he wanted to immediately up the ante of the relationship, calling her frequently, asking her to call him Dad, buying her gifts, trying to make her a part of his family of two daugheters (who weren't keen to share), treating her as if she was his daughter when all he really had with her at that point was a genetic connection. He didn't allow HER to define the relationship, and she withdrew to protect her own mental health. Your son sounds very mature, but it might be good for you to clue her in on letting him set the boundaries or risk losing any future with him. And, what a good mother you are!
Dee

golddust I have no first hand experience with adoptions or birth children (wasn't blessed with my own).

But I gotta say reading your posts over time, you come across as one very together mom with a healthy outlook. All of which seems to strive toward the ultimate goal of preparing your children to be capable adults equipped to find their own way in the world. I find it very admirable. You'd be a cool mom to have & your kids are blessed. ;)

I agree, moon :) golddust, what a good way for your son to learn how to deal with drama, because we all have to at some point...with you as a sounding board, and only after he's in his 20s. Can he get it postponed til after midterms, at least? Or is it that now that it's started, it will simmer until it's addressed and wouldn't be a benefit to put off?

Oh gosh! I'm flattered! Thank you for the wonderful words!

I've been hearing from his local family members that they are planning a family reunion in March. His bio family will be flying into town from as far away as Florida. I told Max to try to come home that weekend. Maybe that would be a good time to meet his B-Mom... Right now, he has asked me not to discuss this with any other members of her family that we know. (He doesn't want them all calling him.)

According to her family, his B-Mom has never received the counseling that many felt she needed. Max may deal with her drama for awhile but I just can not see him putting up with it long term. We all teach people how to treat us, so now he will have to teach her how to treat him. That is my best advice. LOL!

He better not tell me I am being annoying ever again. (Maybe she is my revenge. Hehehe.) "Oh? You think I can be annoying?..."

I don't know your personal situation. Sounds like you adopted Max. I do know those meetings between adopted "children" and birth mothers can be troublesome, at best.

My sister gave a baby up for adoption in the early 60s. Thirty-six years later she was contacted by an agency asking if she'd be willing to speak to the woman to whom she'd given birth. She agreed, but in retrospect I think she wishes she never had. Since it turned out I lived close to this woman I was the first to meet her. We lived very different lives; didn't share the same values, but I felt a need to try and make her feel welcome. Something I regret to this day. She turned out to be a user. After about a year I'd had enough. My sister remains in contact, but her feelings are very similar.

Being connected by blood doesn't mean a thing. Don't let your son get sucked into that. Might be a wise thing for him to put the brakes on until he's truly comfortable facing this woman. These things can quickly turn into Pandora's boxes.

Well, you and I've talked about this before, Golddust. You know my own experience with it. DS met up with his own birthmom halfway through his first year of college. It *IS* emotional for everyone involved . . . extremely so.

Try not to get too alarmed ~yet~ about how Max's BM is initially reacting. I already know that you're a great mom to him and that you, of course, want to protect him from her if she does turn out to be a nutcase. But, until she settles down, give her the benefit of doubt. For most birthmoms (and many dads, too), they never stop loving and thinking about the baby they gave up for adoption. For many, there was no other alternative at the time and it was an extremely traumatic event, that they've never fully healed from. My son's BM told me later, as we became friends, that she was filled with elation just at hearing his voice for the first time. She couldn't wait to hug him and feel him close to her again. To see his face and search it for familiar features. To hear that he'd been happy and well-loved. And, to have the burden of guilt lifted from her heart after all those years, knowing that her child had ~ and has~ a happy life . . . and that he didn't hate her for giving him up. They also are very fearful that their birthchild will be disappointed in them: how they look and what they've accomplished or haven't accomplished with their own lives. It can be very hard at first to rein in all those emotions.

Your sweet son, I know, is a down-to-earth guy, and very much like you. This has to be overwhelming for him. He needs your calm understanding right now. He's also feeling guilt that he could be hurting you by getting to know his birthmother. But, he needs to get to know her, at least to some extent, if only for closure.

And don't forget yourself. Having his birthmom in your lives can be a great bonus or a nightmare . . . or anywhere in between. I am so blessed that my son's birthmom is a calm, intelligent, wise woman that he's proud of, and that I'm proud to call my good friend now.
His birthmom has become a very close older friend, more like a close, younger aunt he says (she was 19 when he was born). They enjoy the same music and actually look incredibly alike. Seeing this bond grow between them, allowing them to find each other again has brought us all full circle and given them both a happy ending. Having gifted them back to each other hasn't robbed me in any way of my son. I'm still Mom to him. The person he calls when he's not feeling well, is sad or worried about something. But now he has her, in his life again, too. Seeing them together happily chatting away gives me great joy. It's good to know that in this one small way, I've brought significant goodness and joy to them. I will never be a a famous person. I can't help millions of people or even thousands, but I KNOW that I've made the world a tiny bit better in this one thing. I'll keep you both in my prayers that this works out for you all, as well.

My advice to you is this;
Give him your heartfelt blessing to get to know her, at his comfortable pace.
Don't criticize her actions or enthusiasm to him.
Encourage his to keep this to just phone calls and letters until he gets to know her better and the newness, the excitement and the stress subside more for them both. She needs to get to know him as the adult he is, not the boy/child he once was. Hopefully, as she gets to talk with him, exchange memories and catch up a bit , she'll realize that he needs calmness from her.
Hopefully, by summer your DS will be ready to meet with her for a few days. Does she live out of state? Does she have friends or relatives in the area she can stay with. Having her stay with you might be too overwhelming for you and your son, at least for this initial visit.

Let me know how things go, will you?
Lynn

Lynn,

Thanks for your great words of wisdom. I haven't judged her at all in front of him. I reminded him how hard it was for her to make the call.

I seriously don't think Max is concerned about me. I have always told him he should meet her someday, when he is ready. Max has an older sister that is only one year younger than his Birth Mom so seeing her as 'mom' isn't likely. Ironically, all his good friends had 'older' moms too.

I doubt she will wait until summer. She is impetuous and I don't think Max will make her wait. She is in Erie, PA and Max is in San Francisco.

Like you, I don't feel threatened. I have always believed that many adopted kids (deep down) must have a feeling of rejection. Meeting and befriending their birth moms may fill up any holes that may exist.

I wrote to her awhile back and gave her Max's phone number and my heartfelt invitation to contact him. I am amazed it took her this long to call him.

I have heard plenty through the years from her other (local) family members who watched Max grow up while watching us parent him. She was incapable of parenting him at the time. They all say that he wouldn't have stood a chance if she had kept him. Her family holds us in high esteem and we have never felt infringed on by them.

I have no doubt that his birth mom needs to meet Max more than Max needs to meet her, but it is the least our family can do. She gave our family the *ultimate* gift when she gave her son to us. We owe her a chance at this relationship. Hopefully she can maintain a healthy one. If it isn't healthy, Max won't participate. He has no tolerance for dysfunction.

I can not imagine not going bonkers if I were in her shoes. Heck I kept my child whom I gave birth to at 15 and I am so glad I did.

Did this come out of nowhere, or was he expecting her to contact him soon? Just see if she can hold off til summer - he doesn't have to attend the reunion next month if he's not ready. She has to respect that he needs some time to get used to the idea (and even if he's been planning to contact/meet her, she has to respect that school comes first right now).

I think you're right ,if not a feeling of rejection, at least some curiosity about the bi0-parents. My sister is adopted, she always wondered - got in touch with her bio-dad since our parents had his info. What she heard about her bio-mom was enough that she has decided not to meet her bio-mom, though she has met other members of the family. She keeps in touch with her bio-dad, stepmother, and half sisters, but not like she does with me and our parents. My niece doesn't ask to visit her Korean cousins or have them visit her like she does my DD, or want to live with them if she becomes an orphan (!). Just b/c you share genes does not mean you have to share anything else (except family medical history). Meeting may be enough to satisfy any curiosity, befriending may not be necessary or even desired. Hopefully she will respect Max's wishes once he has time to think about when/if to meet her and how much (if any) contact he wants to maintain after that. She can't really expect him to be a big brother to the toddler if that's what she's thinking - Max is old enough to be his father and lives 2000 miles away!

Ajsmama,

Last year I sent her a photo of him at her request (via her local aunt). I wrote her a nice letter, inviting her to contact Max. During this time, I learned she had only recently told her husband of 7 years about Max. It has taken since then for her to muster courage to contact him. I have talked with her aunt and assured her I was fine with her making contact.

Max called me tonight and said he did phone her as promised and she wasn't the basket case today that she was last night. I reminded him how hard it would be for *me* to be in her shoes and he shouldn't hold the first contact against her. I asked him how she was. He said "She is OK but her son is sick."
Obviously he doesn't see "her son" as his brother. He seemed relieved that she was able to maintain her composure today.

I was just wondering about the timing of it, since you described him as "shell-shocked" I didn't know if it was out of the blue, or if he had been expecting her call but it was just the drama (and bad timing). Glad she was calmer today. Did Max tell her he was in the crunch of midterms, set up time to call her back when things eased up?

Hope they can work out a relationship to mutual satisfaction (even if that means arms-length).

Lynn you are a wise, wise woman. How wonderful the way your family's situation has turned out. Goldie - I wish the same for you and Max.

Don't assume she's necessarily in drama queen mode. Of course this is VERY emotional for all involved, her and Max especially.

She was incapable of parenting him at the time. They all say that he wouldn't have stood a chance if she had kept him. Her family holds us in high esteem and we have never felt infringed on by them.

"I have no doubt that his birth mom needs to meet Max more than Max needs to meet her, but it is the least our family can do. She gave our family the *ultimate* gift when she gave her son to us. We owe her a chance at this relationship." EXACTLY. I, of course, do not no know your the circumstances of how the adoption came about, etc. but I am assuming that she did realize she could not provide Max what he needed and knew that he would have a better chance of a good life through adoptive parents. You have to credit her for that. Regardless, to live all these years with that and to wonder about your child would be so very hard.

I do believe they need to meet. How could they not? I would have so many questions if I didn't. But that's just me.

They, Max mainly, can decide where they want to go from there.

I wish all you the best possible results. Please let us know how it goes.

tina

Golddust; I started replying yesterday when you had no comments yet but never got to post it. My 1st reaction was for you to be there with Max when he does meet her. Yes, he is old enough to do so alone; but I think you being there for him would be the best thing. If you see him getting uncomfortable; you can change the conversation.. after all, he is your child; and once she leaves; you are going to be the one there offering him support. The last thing he needs right now is for a bad meeting with exams coming up. You would have some control over the situation.

Maybe I feel this way because of what's going on with hubby; some people are saying things to him when they speak on the phone without thinking if it will affect him after they hang up. They don't know what he can handle right now & act like he's the same guy as pre-diagnosis. I in turn, am the one dealing with it.

If it was my 2 kids; I would be there and kick myself for not being there when my son saw his father without me before college was starting years ago. What he said to him was enough to mess with my son's head; affecting him at school; and once the downward spiral began; it couldn't be stopped. I wish I was there that day when they spoke because my ex would not have said the things he did.

Don't take this the wrong way, but--

If you have access to Lexis/Nexis or can afford a private investigator, I'd do a search. I know that sounds harsh and invasive, but personally, I'd want to know some history.

If she's got a track record of judgments and liens and criminal convictions, etc., I think it's better to be forewarned.

I only mention this because a former colleague of mine met her birth father, who proceeded to con her into buying him a car, a house, etc. He'd had a big history of debt, evictions, etc., and latched on to her as a new source of revenue based on his DNA.

Max was shell shocked. He knew she had his number but it has been some time. I am certain it was the last thing he had on his mind. His mid term test was yesterday. He does believe the phone call likely caused him not to do as well as he could have. I seriously doubt he even told her about his test. Max has a soft heart and she was clearly emotional.

This was a private adoption. We had known the California leg of her family (2 aunts) for many years before they chose us. I don't see any real need to hire investigators. There is no situation where I could foresee her attempting to take advantage of Max financially. I can not see him allowing her to even go there.

Both the local aunts have always described her as dramatic in personality. Terms like 'no impulse control' was not an uncommon phrase they have used to describe her through the years. Her aunts said she has never dealt with her emotions and refused to even talk about Max. To anyone.

As far as me being there, roselvr, I have offered this to Max - both verbally and again through a text message. He is almost 22. He has an amazing head on his shoulders. I will chose to trust his decision regarding how he wants to meet her. Frankly, I'll be amazed if he choses me to be present. He has never taken the easy way out. LOL!

I can envision him being the perfect gentleman with her. Kind, attentive and reassuring, even. I know how thrilled he is to be our son. He writes the most beautiful letters to us.

He does have a girlfriend, a full time job as well as school. I don't see him having that much time for her right now. She lives in PA., has a young child, she is married to a seemingly wonderful guy.

Her aunts who live here are well established in our community. Max attended schools with his bio-aunt's two kids. One son is a year older than Max and they are good friends.

I just hope she is healthier than her aunts project. They often speak of how she was raised (by their much older sister) and how much they object to the way she and her sister were parented. (There are several pretty sad stories) The two local aunts parent more like we do.

Both Max's bio-grandparents are both university professors who look very good on paper. The larger family isn't the typical family who adopts their children out. Except for Max's bio mom's siblings. I guess his bio-grandmother is very hard and demanding of their two daughters. Both girls have found themselves in bad situations. Holding big (GIANT) secrets from everyone. At the request of the bio-grandmother.

I think Max will be fine but I will allow him to steer his relationship with her. I will be happy to be present or I feel fine about trusting him to meet her either alone or with the aunts he knows already.

Thanks everyone, for the great advice! Combined, there is a collective brilliance in this neighborhood.

I think he wishes she hadn't contacted him.

Curious then why you gave her his phone number. Shouldn't that decision have been left up to Max? Sounds like this is the last thing he needed to deal with right now.

It is complicated. He knew it was inevitable. When she was pregnant, I agreed she could meet him later. We've talked about this many times during his life. He was going to fly out with his best friend and bio-cousin a couple years ago to meet her. Then we leaned she hadn't told anyone about Max. He knew I gave her his phone number and he didn't protest.

Like I said before, at this point it is more for her than him but I think he may enjoy the relationship too, once it is established. (If she is stable...)

Max has had much given to him in his life. He has had advantages and opportunities many children don't get. He totally knows this. He owes her at least a thank you.

That is what I am not understanding, this feeling that something is "owed" to bio mother. Do you feel that he "owes" bio father as well? Max can be grateful that in his case all turned out happily. But what if he had been adopted by an abusive family, would you feel that he owed a debt of gratitude to his bio mother in that case?

Why would you do anything "more for her, than for him?" Especially if this ends up being difficult for him because of bio mother's potential dysfunctionality.

The horse is out of the barn now in any event. But at 22 years of age, this should be entirely up to Max, either way. No guilt involved.

I'm sorry, I don't want to seem harsh. And you have a very nurturing nature. And I can understand your gratitude towards bio mother for giving you the opportunity to be Max's mom. But I worry that you are letting it cloud your feelings in regard to what Max's obligations really are in this instance.

I've read and re-read this thead and I finally decided to put my thoughts into words. Please realize that this is only my opinion, nothing more.

I was adopted at birth. Thank goodnes for my wonderful parents, who chose me for their own. I am so blessed to have been raised by two loving, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, strong, courageous, talented, educated, hard-working human beings. I love them with all my heart and miss them both. My dad died when I was in my early 30's, and my mom died when I was in my 40's. I've always known I was adopted, ever since I can remember. It was always out there in the open. My parents were very matter-of-fact about it. I have to tell you that not once in my entire life have I had the urge to seek out my biological life-giver. For me there is no point, no reason to. I understand how difficult the decision might have been for her to put me up for adoption, but I also know that it's a decision that she has/had to live with for her entire life. That's just the way it is, a choice that was made. I never felt my parents "owed" her anything, just the opposite. I feel that they were owed a debt of gratitude for giving me the chance to have one of the most wonderful lives anyone could ask for. They would have risked their lives for me. I was their world, and they were mine. Through the years, and even now, people have asked me if I want to know about my "birth mother", and my reply is always the same, which is no, not now and not ever. My parents are my parents. Whether they gave me life through the act of procreation is irrelevant. They gave me life through the act of spirit and generosity of their hearts.

"She may be interested in hearing about his life, Mom to Mom."

You cannot give her the honorable title of Mom, because she is not a mom, at least not to your son. She is simply a person who was in the right place at the right time for your family and for your hearts to be filled. Nothing more.

Private adoptions are different than state adoptions. We have adopted both ways. Max was a private adoption. His birth parents met us several times while she was pregnant. Through the process of them making up their minds as to which family they were going to chose, we had several deep discussions and mutually agreed on an open adoption of sorts. Our stipulation that she not interfere if we (my DH and me) felt it wasn't in Max's best interest as a child. She honored that. It's time we honor her request. Max is very stable. If I felt he couldn't handle a meeting with her, I wouldn't have been as cooperative.

I feel certain Max is well prepared to meet his birth mom. If that kid can spend a summer alone in refugee camps in Palestine at 17; attend University in Jordan and Yemen alone; give lectures and slide shows in front of 1500 people, work full time at a rehab facility for mentally ill substance abusers while attending college, he can handle a meeting with his birth mom.

He calls her by her first name. I can't imagine him calling her 'mom' and I can't imagine her asking him too. Personally I hope we end up with a similar story to Lynn's.

"Personally I hope we end up with a similar story to Lynn's."

I do, too ;o)

He owes her at least a thank you.

I don't agree. Maybe you owe her a thank you, but your son doesn't. And if it comes ... it should be on his terms ... not yours!

I know my son well enough to feel comfortable with our choice. I think we all owe her thanks. Max included. Sure, that first phone call was hard. Lynn may be right.

Max seems to be very comfortable with everything today. The call was bad timing but if one insists waiting for the perfect time, sometimes it won't happen at all.

Natal, just to be clear. I have not talked to her at all. Max is in charge of their meeting.
On his biological side, Max has met his great great grandmother, his great grandmother, his grand mother (by accident), three of his aunts and many, many cousins. His birth mom is really the only missing piece. When Max was young, he was in a fifth generation photo with his biological family. Even though they are from PA., several family members live here. When visiting relatives would come to town, we would receive an invitation as well. Meeting his birth mom is more complicated, I realize.

When I first got married, my (then) husband had an ex-wife and a daughter from that marriage. When the daughter turned 4, ex-mom bowed out and I adopted DD1. When DD1 turned 22, ex-mom looked her up and DD1 thought things were going to be peachy. They were for about 6 months. Ex-mom had two more children and had only recently told her new family about DD1. She had always been a little unstable, but I never criticized her (even though my feelings were a little hurt when DD1 got married during this time and felt her 'real mom' should take a larger role at the wedding than me). But, soon thereafter, ex-mom moved and didn't tell DD1 where she moved! DD1 looked her up and ex-mom just said she didn't want to see her anymore. She wanted her 'simple' family back without having to explain to everyone about DD1.

DD1 felt extremely rejected when she was 4, and then again when she was 22. That was almost 10 years ago and she still hasn't completely gotten over it. And I cringe everytime I see those wedding pictures, though DD1 doesn't know.

You seem like a great mom and a good person. I hope she is stable enough not to hurt your son. Just wanted to tell you my story because, as a mom, I could never have hurt DD1 like that. But an ex-mom may not have the same feelings of protection, so be careful. Good luck with the entire situation.

"She was crying and saying she had a hole in her heart. She even stayed home from work today so he can call her. Oye. She said she would be on the first flight out to visit him if he says it is OK..."

"During this time, I learned she had only recently told her husband of 7 years about Max."

"According to her family, his B-Mom has never received the counseling that many felt she needed."

"I told him he should not feel responsible for her well being after he admitted he said a bunch of stuff to make her happy."

I keep re-reading all your posts and I want to comment on the above: She does not sound like a woman who has her sh!t together, even remotely so. A lot of guilt (or just plain issues), brought on by a decision that was made years ago. She really needs to come to terms with her life decisions before she can expect to build any kind of relationship with your son. First she lays on the guilt about having a hole in her heart...geez, no pressure there. Oy is right. Then it takes her almost 7 years to tell her husband about Max. What? Sounds like honesty is not her strong suit. Counseling at the get-go would have been very beneficial, and will be even now. Then your sweet son feels the need to tell her stuff to make her happy? Double oy. Quite honestly, it sounds like she's dumping a boat load of emotional crap on your DS at this very early stage. I hope I'm wrong, but it doesn't sound like a recipe for success at this point.

Max is in charge of their meeting.

But you're the one who set the wheels in motion ... not Max. I'm sorry, but I don't think it was your decision to make. I pray he can find strength from someone somewhere to deal with this mess.

Natal,

Thanks for your concern. And you are right. When I received the request, I responded, just as I promised I would, way back when she was trying to decide who the best family would be. That said, Max has always known of our promise. It hasn't been shoved in his face but he has known from a young age that he will meet her.

Our family has never beat to anyone's drum. Most parents I know would never allow their 17 year old son to go to Palestine alone for a summer.
We know we are different and it works for us. We have produced amazing kids. Max is fine. Trust me. He is an amazing young man. He wins awards and made the National Dean's list. He is friends with people from Homeland Security.

He was diagnosed with neuro cardio genic syncope when he was 3. This means that whenever a normal person's heart speeds up (fear response, endurance, nervousness, etc.) Max's brain tells his heart to slow down. He loses oxygen to his brain and faints, immediately turning blue making everyone watching think he was dying.

His Drs explained that it likely feels like he is dying. His heart slows down and he loses consciousness. Well, in my book, it would seem natural to avoid triggers, right? Not Max. He would faint every single time he gave a book/oral report. I tried to get him excused. I was afraid he would hit his head and kill himself. But Max protested any intervention.

His idea was to have everything moved in front of the classroom that could hurt him. He decided that he needed to just get used to things so he would not *feel* nervous, avoiding the trigger that way, instead of getting excused. He insisted on this strategy in 2nd grade! And it worked. He informed the other students about his condition and asked them to help him by ignoring it when he fainted.

His teachers were amazed. So were we. His idea was solid. By the time he hit high school, he could give speeches to giant crowds - effectively. He was taking more risks and demonstrating more confidence than other kids his age.

I am not about to step in now. He knows what he is doing. He can handle his life. He is a very unusual young man. He has always been. Ask anyone who knows him.

It's OK with me that you disagree. I respect your opinion but I can't change my parenting style now. Max is a great person. As solid of a person as any I know.

Hard? Maybe. But this young man slays hard. He has a solid history. My typing skills prevent me from communicating.

How about this, Natal. If it turns out badly, I will take the full blame.

Goldie, sheesh woman you're trying to be my freaking mentor again aren't you....so I've given up on IVF and DH and I decided on adoption this week...

I have to say, when I read your posts I read the posts of an experienced mom who really faces reality well. Gad zooks woman I hope I deal with this as well as you! can you fly here and hold my hand as we try to find a baby? Cuz honey...you do it right!!!

I dont' have an older child and don't have your experience so I won't even try to advise except to say...use your big heart and just hold his hand :) Even if you have to knock him down to let you do so :) (KIDS!!!) Gad does that man have a lovely mom!

"I am not about to step in now. He knows what he is doing. He can handle his life." I think you are handling this very well. He IS an adult and if he agrees to the meeting, he should handle it himself. If he asks you to be there, that is one thing. You are a wonderful mother to Max, just be there to support him through all this. None of us can tell you what to do in this situation, you and Max know what is best.

Ms. Marv - thank you for sharing your story. What wonderful parents you had and what a wonderful daughter you are. You don't have to give birth to be a parent. Likewise, some who do give birth should not be a parent.

Igloo - best of luck with your adoption journey!

tina

Golddust, as always, you have my admiration and my respect. It's very obvious that you are a wonderful, wise and caring woman and mother. Your son is blessed to have been raised by you and your DH. He's turned out to be one very caring, strong and amazing young man.

I once heard a saying that reminds me very much of your son . . . and of you, as well, Golddust.
"Listen not so much to what a person says, but observe how he actually lives. The choices he makes, the gifts of himself that he gives to others . . . THAT shows the true metal of which he is made."
Lynn

Somewhat funny side note: "He is friends with people from Homeland Security" made me laugh out loud, golddust Let's see, Homeland Security folks and a young man who spends time in the middle east, has become fluent in Arabic--glad that relationship went the way you say it did :)

LOL! Fly, I laughed when I read that too. It made no sense at all. I wish my typing was better. Yes, it *is* a good thing the relationships went the right way. He lived in a part of Yemen where the military wasn't allowed to go. Max occasionally hung out at the American Embassy in Yemen. He met some interesting people there and he maintains contact with them still.

He sounds like an incredible young man, Golddust.
Clearly, you've raised him well!

I just accidentally found this thread while looking for the photo gallery! Not exactly what I was looking for but probably more interesting!

I have to say that both Golddust and Lynn are women who will give adoption and reunion the honor and compassion necessary for all involved. I am mystified by the hostility and judgments expressed by some others here.

I am a birthmom in a 19 year reunion with my now 40 year old son. He found me when he was 21 and I have never had any other children. Most birthmoms in first contact and early in reunion react exactly like Max's birthmom. We are overwhelmed with emotion and the grief we have never been allowed to acknowlege or express (and you might guess why, given the threads of hostility and judgment expressed by some here). Yes, wouldn't counseling have been nice??? No one offered us counseling or legal advice. Most of us gave up our babies because we could not access financial, emotional or family support to keep them. The world was a different place; unmarried, pregnant girls were vilified. Finding a family like Goldust's for our child was our fantasy.

When we first have contact, it takes us right back to that place where we were separated from our babies. A choice you may say. No choice for most of us. What choice? No $, no education, no husband, no family support, lots of societal barricades and no safety net for us! A child who would carry the burden of the "bast***" label? What choice?

So, yes we may not be MOM to our children, bur we are also their MOTHERS. It is difficult to wrap our minds around the concept of 2 mothers, but that is the fact. If anyone would have offered us any other option, the vast majority would have raised our children. All of you who have children, just try to imagine after giving birth, handing that baby over to strangers. As for the suggestion of doing a background check on her, I cannot even express how offensive that sounds. She trusted her flesh and blood newborn child to strangers; I'm pretty sure she didn't have money to hire a detective.

And just HOW do you pick up those pieces and move forward without a hole in your heart?

Luckily, my son was also blessed with a kind and loving adoptive mom. She embraced me as a part of him; she attributed much of his specialness and uniqueness to what he got from me, even tho he'd never met me. She also was wise enough to give her blessing to him as he sought me out and knew it wasn't appropriate for her to be involved, except as he might request. We now are all friends, I am an equal grandma to his new son and all are better off for the abundance of love for everyone involved.

Bless you Golddust and Lynn, for trying to educate others about how far compassion and understanding can go in this situation.

Olychick,

I thought we had hammered this thread to death. LOL! Thank you so very much for posting your story. It made me cry. I was both a young mother (who kept my baby) and later, an adoptive mother. I can not imagine what one goes through and the price you paid your your child's well being. To me, this is the ultimate gift of selfless love.

Bless you for writing. While I am hard-headed about this issue - believing in reunification whenever possible, I listen and weigh carefully what everyone says. I think everyone here made some important points. I didn't get any hostility - just people who care enough to express their feelings.

There is no right and wrong here. I hope Max's birth mom can heal from her relationship with Max. She deserves to heal that hole in her heart she has been unable to talk about until recently. I am certain it has affected many parts of her life - perhaps in ways she doesn't yet understand.

Max, OTOH, may identify with traits that are certainly generic. His body language and mannerisms. As a child he could be impetuous. Never mind they were both very picky eaters as children. (She once ate ONLY ice cream for 6 months. Max refused to eat french fries for years and years, after he learned fries were potatoes.)

I am so happy you were reunited with your son and I appreciate the validation for me giving our B-Mom Max's phone number, along with the whole hearted invitation to contact him.

That said, everyone here means well. There are many ways to be good parents. Most of us here would agree that there is no one recipe. I appreciate it when people who think differently challenge me to look at something differently. It makes me grow as a human.

Golddust, as others before me have said, you are a wise woman. I think a lifetime of hearing, seeing and feeling the judgements of others about birthmoms has made criticism about them (when the person is unknown to them) a hot button issue for me. I may see hostility where you do not, but it is wonderful that all just have your and your son's best interest at heart. I would suspect his birthmom feels the same. Good luck to all of you. It sounds like the world is a better place because he is in it.

Goldy, Oly and Lynn...I just want to give you all great big hugs! All of your children are very, very lucky.

I said above:

"Max, OTOH, may identify with traits that are certainly generic."

I meant genetic, not generic. :+)