A thoughtful and tactful person would never put you on the spot in the first place. No you're not being ungracious and no it's definitely NOT normal for in-laws or anyone else to simply invite themselves over. I would casually mention that it would be nice if they can call you in advance so you can set aside time to visit with them or something like that. Hopefully, they get the message for future visits!!

I don't think you have to host them if it's not convenient.

But I disagree that it's always rude for relatives or friends to ask if they can visit you or even just stay with you when they're coming into town for a night. You need to know your family's dynamics; some families do, some don't.

In our family, we always do that. I'd be bewildered and frankly kind of hurt if one of my husband's or my cousins came here and DIDN'T ask to stay with us. I mean, if they are allergic to animals or hate to be houseguests or something, I wouldn't take offense. But I would feel bad to think that if they would like to stay here that they thought they couldn't ask. I'm glad they feel welcome and comfortable enough to do so.

In our extended family we love hosting each other if convenient, and have no problem saying if it isn't convenient. So we have no hesitation in asking, and similarly none in refusing. None of us would think of request or refusal as rude.

I think it is a family thing, not a regional thing. In some families, it is just accepted that you stay with family.

So what you need to do is talk with your DH and get his feel for this--does he want these overnight guests? Is he willing to do the cooking and cleaning required? Does he feel comfortable in telling them, no, they can't stay at your house?

And you can compromise--you can say no to their specific dates, if they don't work for you, and propose different dates for the visits. You can tell the guests that they can come, but you will both be very busy at that time, so they shouldn't expect to see much of you.

And if you have plans, you don't have to break those plans. Just tell the relations, sure, they can come, but you will be out at the theater one night, and at a friend's for dinner another night, so they will have to fend for themselves those evenings.

I don't think it is a regional thing. I don't think it is rude that family stay one night when they are in town. They are family! I love seeing my family and visiting with them. It would be strange for family or friends not to stay with us when they are in town for one night. I do think you are making a bit much of it. If we are working or have plans that can not be broken, they entertain themselves til we get back home. Simple as that. They go out to dinner or cook for themselves. Go to the movies or play cards til we get back. No big deal. Do you not get along with your relatives? Is that why you are put out when they come for a one night visit? NancyLouise

Are you sure this isn't a dh issue?
How would you feel if your uninvited family wanted to spend the night?

Same situation here. We just converted the "guest bedroom" to a walk-in closet/hobby room. "Sorry, we would love to have you but we needed the extra room." (You have to say it with a straight face.)

I would blow up the beds for one night. ( we have 2) lol We do have an extra bedroom but usually our grand daughter is using that room. Her mom travels in her job and she stays with us. No I don't think its rude for family members to ask to stay with you. If you don't have room then its a different story. I love to have company and I'm usually ready for them to stay more than one or two nights. Hey its family enjoy the company.
Mary

I really don't mind hosting a relative as i believe in family values depending on the relatives though..If they are distant relatives then I would prefer they ask if they can come to stay to check if I have any plans etc before inviting themselves

Yikes, Lenny!!

I think your extremely adamant statement of an absolute rule that nobody, ever, should ask anybody if they can visit, not ever ever EVER, is taking it rather too far. As you see from the other comments, many people disagree with that. Far from finding their relatives and friends rude or manipulative for asking to visit, they welcome it and even feel hurt or insulted if they don't ask, and do indeed like having guests in their homes, even 24/7.

I mean, you are certainly entitled to dislike people asking you if they can visit, and to tell them (nicely) that no, it won't work out. Everyone doesn't have to feel the same about this. Everyone else's way doesn't have to be wrong for yours to be right, too.

Because people feel so differently about this, it's important for the guest to ask in such a way that they acknowledge they are asking for a favor and in a way that makes it as easy as possible for the hosts to decline if they don't want guests. And for their part, it's important for hosts to avoid getting their backs up and accusing people who do ask in that way of all kinds of bad motives and rudeness.

It's not hard to say no nicely. When it's hard to do, and we find ourselves feeling that someone who, if we are being honest with ourselves, really did only ask nicely was "manipulating" us or "making us feel guilty," usually it's because we really aren't comfortable with our decision (but of course it's more comfortable to blame them).

Obviously, it's not always okay to ask. You have to know which relationships welcome it and which don't.

Anyone and everyone is welcome in this house! If it's going to be a full house we tell them to bring their own blow-up bed and blankets.

We will also tell them if we have plans. We don't break our plans for last minute visitors. If the want to join us at our ukulele group, they are surely welcome to! (That usually shuts them down! ;) )

They can order a pizza if they want to!

If they give me some notice (a couple of days), I love cooking and enjoying our time together! Nancy

We have friends that have often stopped by for the night unannounced and I think it's not thoughtful to the host. There's Airbnb for a reason.

Gabby- this might make you feel better. I have a friend whose husband is a surgeon, and they are so cheap they continuously while in town stop in unannounced and eat everything in our house sometimes for days. I finally had enough. When I would call her to catch up throughout the year she was always too busy, but when summer came and they were driving through and wanted a reprieve from their family cross-country haul they would show up hungry, sometimes with guests and of course too tired to visit, only just wanted to eat and sleep. To top it off they acted like we were SO LUCKY to be in their presence because of his occupation. UMMMM NO! I gently and lovingly asked her what she was doing using us without regard to our finances ( the food for them, their guests and four children) and our schedules. She cried. Cry me a river....

yes it's a problem But I'm always happy seeing people.

This is not a problem in my family. We are very happy to be together and always stay at each other's houses. We do plan/talk in advance . I don't consider my entire house to be that private. Certainly my bedroom/bath are. I don't see anything wrong with a relative who calls weeks in advance to spend one night. Maybe you need to just be blunt will all of the relatives and tell them that they must stay elsewhere and that you might be able to meet them at a restaurant one evening.

Also, we're the last of the siblings living in our home town. So there are school reunions, visits to elderly relatives etc.

As long as I get a couple of days notice, I'm good! They usually take us out to pizza or breakfast. We don't wait on them! Nancy

Just get a few too many pets and the problem disappears...a few arise but hey.

In my view, it's incomprehensible that even educated individuals do not learn that you do NOT invite yourself to someone else's house! Never. End of story. It is rude, inconsiderate, and highly disrespectful of the other person's boundaries and privacy. Sadly, it is also a cultural issue, so in some areas of the world, inviting yourself to a friend's place might be accepted, but definitely not everywhere.

But there's a subtle difference between inviting yourself and asking nicely if it's a possibility to stay. Inviting yourself implies it's a foregone conclusion that you will stay, asking nicely if you may gives the potential host the opening to say no with no hard feelings on either side.