Help! Baby Shower Gift etiquette?

11 years ago

I need some help here as to proper etiquette. God this is long, but Its important to get the whole picture.

I am attending a babyshower this weekend for a very close friend of my SO and I. (He considers her to be like a sister/family, and I have known her for years). Let's call her Michelle.

We decided and budget about $150 for a gift and ultimately decided to buy a handful of smaller gifts that fell under that amount. This was bc I was told there was no registry and I didnt want to buy a larger ticket item without the blessing of the mom to be. So I bought 5-6 smaller ticket items (bibs, clothes, a book, some Honest products) which at this point it cost me just over 100$.

Now the woman hosting the shower, let's call her Jane, just sent out a registry ....literally 3 days ago (that is: 7 days before the shower) and asked us to try and get something off there.

Well, aside from the fact that this felt a little bit rude (the invites were sent over a month ago.. why wasn't anything mentioned sooner or when i originally asked!), I still had about 50$ in our budget and decided to give a look and decided to also pick up a blanket.

SO: the problem? It's a lot of stuff.
1. I actually didn't realize it until I saw it all together when I went to wrap it up. I am not concerned with Michelle liking our gifts, but I am really worried about making other women feel uncomfortable for having gotten so many things, or thinking we had gone over the top. Do you think this will be the case?

2. I also am worried about how Jane is going to yet again react. My SO & I are very careful about what we spend money on, and are very attentive to our finances, but we have no problem spending money on the people we love, and will do so when appropriate. Jane however has made it clear in the past that she thinks we just spend spend spend money inappropriately. (To give you an example: They live 5 hours away and so whenever we visit, we usually sleep over at their house. My SO & I bring a host gift and usually buy dinner at some point during our stay, seeing this as being good guests.... but Jane thinks that these gestures are just us showing off our money). Thus I AM worried that she will also just think this is us somehow 'flaunting our wealth', rather than just seeing that Michelle is family to us and we want to give her a great gift.

Im extremely frustrated because something I felt great about now also feels crappy. So, to get around the inevitable negative judging and side commentary that wlil come of 'giving too much', I was thinking I would only give one or two of the items to Michelle during the shower (in view of the public/Jane), and the rest at a separate private time.

THOUGHTS? Please :(

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Comments (6)

nancylouise5me
11 years ago
How you spend YOUR money is your business, not Jane's or anyone else. She doesn't get a vote. She sounds like she is jealous of you with her comments about money (and yes, you are being gracious guests when you bring hostess gifts or take them to dinner for their letting you stay at their home). If spending a budgeted amount on your friend Michelle makes you feel good and gets her the items she needs for the baby, so be it. End of conversation. So give the gifts you purchased for her and the baby at the shower and enjoy yourself. Don't doubt yourself. You did nothing wrong. NancyLouise
gellchom
11 years ago
I was going to suggest the solution you yourself put at the end of your post: give her as much as you think approximates the "right" size shower gift (whatever that is) at the shower, then give her the rest, if you want to, when the baby comes or for some later occasion.

I'd leave the way she makes you feel about money out of it. That's obnoxious, but I don't think it's a helpful factor for you in figuring out what to do for the shower.

If you feel like your whole gift will seem excessive, for whatever reason, then give a smaller one.

I think that $150 is a very, very generous baby gift! Niece/nephew level for me.
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diane_nj 6b/7a
11 years ago
I agree, I think your gift will be lovely. "Jane" sounds jealous, and a bit petty (you are gracious to bring a gift when you stay at her house). Please don't let this person ruin your day, or giving you gift to your friend. If it would make it easier for you, take part of the gift to the shower, and send/take the rest to the mother-to-be in private. In any case, since you have been so close to Michelle, I don't see an issue at all, you don't have to explain yourselves or your gifts to anyone. Enjoy the party!
amylou321
11 years ago
I too, have a "jane" in the family. Several aactually. Just know that whatever you decide, she will probably feel negatively about it. She sounds kinda jealous. If you bring all the gifts at once, she will talk about how you spend too much and are just trying to show off. If you only bring one small one, she will probably say that you should have gotten her something bigger since apparently she thinks your rolling in dough. (whether you are or not is really irrelevant)
In my case, i am the youngest of six adult children(ill be 30 in a few months). I am the only one who is unmarried, and have no children(unless you count the four legged furry kind) :) No matter WHAT i do, my older siblings always feel it necessary to comment on how i waste my money, im not good with money, i have no budget, im irresponsible with money, etc. None of which is true. I make a good enough living to support myself and have a little extra for fun and savings. I live very much below my means, although comfortable. I drive the same car i bought (all by myself thank you very much) at age 18. However, some people are just naturally negative nancys. I learned a long time ago to do whatwever the heck i want, especially when it comes to my hard earned cash. You should do the same.

P.S. I am sure that the soon to be mommy will very much appreciate everything you got for her. Baby showers are not thrown to celebrate a pregnancy, not really anyway.If they were, they would not require gifts would they? They are to help new parents with some of the things they need for baby.I would put everything in one giant box and wrap it, therefore making it "one" gift. Your "michelle" is the only one you should think about now. Jane's opinions should be kept to herself or ignored.
iris_gal
11 years ago
First time at this forum.

I agree Jane may choose to criticize whatever you do.

I applaud you for #1 --- the other guests' feelings. Usually the card is read before the gift is opened. If that is still done you could include wording ie. for our adopted treasured sister ..................
jewelisfabulous
11 years ago
Update? How did the shower go? Did Jealous Jane say anything about your generosity?