Don't you just shake your head wondering about the thought processes of people, even ones you are related to???? And they probably think you are the crazy one!

I am so glad to hear that the change of scenery has been good for your niece. I said much the same as you did as I read the story and then the diagnosis.. and I remembered your previous posts. Sometimes the immediate family can be too close to a situation to see it clearly-- BUT A PROFESSIONAL? I can't believe a counselor would make such a decision --especially when there was family so willing to generously participate in the care and support of your niece. It's absurd.. and the counselor was PAID for that bad advice.

As I remember, your family is in my area.. I don't know that I can do anything to help but don't hesitate to contact me if there's something I can do...

I am also glad your niece is doing better, but I have to say that sometimes professional help is what is called for and it may be that the Eagle Ranch is the place with just the right support to help her work through her detachment disorder. Sometimes a separation is just what is needed for a time. If the counselors and psychologists and/or psychiatrists are able to work with her in a residential setting, they may be able to work wonders.

It is not unlike expecting an alcoholic to just quit and get over the disease if you get the booze out of the house. If she really does have RAD, then just being in a different home atmosphere won't be a long-term fix. She needs to be in a place where she can really work through all the issues with people who are trained to deal with them. Often, kids come out way stronger and at peace with their lives and family. Not a bad thing. Sometimes, we are just too close to look at situations clearly without blaming/judging/losing our tempers and that is rarely helpful.

I am sure this is painful for everyone, especially your niece, sister, and BIL. I hope everyone comes through this well.

I am so glad to hear that your niece is doing better, and that the program was of help.

RAD can be very difficult to treat. Many of the kids I work with (juvenile justice system) have a RAD diagnosis. It can be very difficult for these kids to maintain a trusting relationship and act within the boundaries of what we see as appropriate behavior in relationships.

In my opinion it will probably be very challenging for your niece to ever have a "normal" relationship with her mother/your sister, or even live peacefully in that household. Your niece is very fortunate to have supportive extended family that she can continue forming bonds with.

It is so sad that those early childhood experiences can affect people so deeply throughout their lives. I remember reading something in grad school that stated that by age 3, most of your personality and the "wiring" in your brain is complete. Those years are so critical, and I worried so much about raising my son "correctly" during those years.

Wishing you all the best of luck in this hard situation--
Jen

ttodd - Very kind of you to post an update. I have often thought of your niece after your initial post, and I am glad to hear she is currently better situationally speaking. I get where you are coming from with your viewpoint not being well received and how frustrating that must have been for you. I think at times, stepping back is the best thing one can do for one's sanity.

I hope your DN continues on a path toward total healing.

Funkyart - that's so awesome - thanks! We like (and she loves) when she stays w/ us becuase DH loves to take her into the city to the museums (his uncle gives tours at one so she always gets to see things behind the scenes w/ him), libraries and such. She also then spends a day here and there w/ our adult cousin and his girlfriend (they both live and teach in the city) going to off beat little places and eateries, then she spends time w/ our aunt and uncle (who do not have grandchildren yet) exposing her to many other activities.

jlc - I can't imagine her ever having a 'normal' relationship w/ her mom/ DS. I don't think that DS 'gets' that and always tried to force her into a little perfect family 'mold' and then would get angry when that didn't work. When she told me that all of the yrs. of counseling only involved DN I was floored. I told her that while counseling had to happen seperately for DN that I also felt that it was important for counseling to happen between the 2 of them and/or family. Couldn't believe that hadn't been happening all of those yrs. She got a irritated when I told her that it wasn't just DN w/ problems - it was also a relationship problem and relationships consist of more than 1 person. It hapened to be perfect timing w/ the RAD DX as DH and I had listened to a "This American Life" pod cast on RAD w/ 2 separate families w/ children w/ RAD and what they went through. One family had a breakthrough and the child remained in a family unit, the other family not as lucky. I should def. find the pod cast again and have DS, BIL, Grandma and Pop Pop listen to it.

Eagle Ranch actually wouldn't take DN. They seem to have it together and really seriously tak a look at an entire situation before accepting a child. They told DS that this was an issue that stems between the 2 of them at the core and that ER would not be the situation to deal w/ that in the fact that taking her to live w/ strangers would be even more detrimental to her.

Grandma and Pop Pop have a friend who is a social worker and has gotten her hooked up w/ things. Firstly health insurance and if she stays beyond the summer counseling will start again.

One of the fortunate things is that DN has already lived w/ Grandma and Pop Pop at the end of the school year last year and attended school there already. They live very far out and the entire school only has 61 kids so she knows the teachers already (they loved her) and most of the kids. She alredy has some friends there from before. She has always spent a few wks. each Summer w/ Grandma and POp Pop and knows the area quite well.

The previous counselors that she was seeiong in the state that she lives in were state appointed counselors and at times would cancel an appt. after DS had driven 2 hrs. to get there. That particular one didn't seem too terribly invested in the whole situation.

My Mom (Grandma) told me that DN said that she didn't think that she would ever be happy in that house (her own home). Broke my heart!

Right now she spends a lot of time fishing and talking w/ Pop Pop, gardening w/ Grandma and helping her in the shop (more talking), spending time doing water aerobics w/ Pop Pop at the Sr.s center and making friends w/ all of the Sr.'s there as well as time w/ friends.