I don't think you're being too sensitive at all. I would invite them forever, though : )

Ahh, families....to quote Stewie Griffin:
While you can't choose the family you're born into, you can choose which method of enslaving them will prove the most amusing to you.

I would invite them to the house warming party but don't expect them to show up. (What fools! Your husband makes award winning beer!) That would be the last invitation, except for weddings, even if they do show up. For whatever reason they just aren't interested in attending your functions. They might be curious enough to come see the new place but that doesn't mean they'll show up again.

Be prepared for fall-out. Even though they didn't attend in the past, and were too rude to reply, they might get their noses out of joint about being dropped. So be it. You tried, you offered hospitality, and they weren't interested. Don't apologize. Don't discuss. Enjoy their company when you attend their events but don't invite them just to be disappointed again.

I live near the Philadelphia area....I'll come over for award winning beer and pleasant conversation.

Life is short. Enjoy your family during the times they are willing to share with you. Don't bother being angry about what they don't have to give, no matter how much you'd like them to be able to give it.

Keep sending the invites. Forgive them their weaknesses. Celebrate every chance you get.

That is really sad but I know how you feel. My husband and I grew up near Pittsburgh but when we married we moved to Philadelphia because he was in a post graduate fellowship program here. No one came to visit except for my parents and my SIL. It seems the rest of the family decided that since I moved away it was my responsibility to return 'home'. When DH finished his training we stayed. I was a librarian for the Free Library and Philly became our home.

We stopped sending invitations fairly quickly. Since none of the extended family came it started to feel like we were just fishing for gifts. At least in my case the 2 cities are over 5 hours apart and it wouldn't be easy for them to come. But I did have hurt feelings because they still thought I should drive back to PGH with 3 kids for their family functions.

I have to agree with hhireno - invite them to the house warming and then give up. And since I'm near Philly I can join hhierno for the festivities.

I'm curious though - would your parents be upset if you stopped inviting the aunts and uncles?

No they wouldn't be upset at all. My parents moved up to Northern PA ages ago and other than her 1 sister (my local aunt) there has only been one visit form her other sister. My mom and I talk about it. Seems my mom and her kids (me and Dear Sis) and her one sister (again my local aunt) are the only ones that ever moved away.

Like I said, they literally all live beside eachother (and some in the same house that they sub-divided). They don't ever leave the little town that they were all born and live in. Sometimes not even the property.

Oops, my bad - they did come for my baby shower for DS1. I was so excited for them to see the area that I'd moved to.

Well the party is in Sept. so the meade should be done and DH just gave me a sample of the Saison that he just brewed. It's yummy! Maybe I'll divert my invites to you guys!

That would be my last invite. If they didn't RSVP, that for sure would be it.
I don't think you are being sensitive.

You are talking about YOUR aunts and cousins, right? Not your children's aunts (your sisters) and your children's cousins (your nieces and nephews). You must have a very small family. If I invited all the aunts, uncles, and cousins (and of course the cousin's children), I'd have 115 guests. And that doesn't include my siblings, DH's siblings, their spouses, their children, and the grandparents!

When we have a birthday party, I invite immediate family members. Those include my siblings (and spouses and children), DH's siblings (and spouses and children), my parents, DH's parents, and any surviving grandparents that are able to travel. Invitations are by word of mouth and anyone nearby is welcome to attend. However, I would never *expect* my aunts/uncles/cousins to attend. My aunts and uncles have their own grandchildren now. While I love my cousins, I know they are busy parents too. If I received an invitation to every cousin's child's birthday party, I'd have multiple parties to attend every single weekend of the year! My family is also between 1-1.5 hours away. (DH and I are the ones who moved away.) I try to make it to big family events, weddings, reunions, holidays, etc., but I can't attend every single birthday party. Sorry.

I'd quit inviting the non-immediate relatives and send those adorable invitations to nearby friends instead.

If it means something to your DH, then, keep doing it, even if they ignore you or find reasons to do something else. No one will ever be able to accuse you of leaving them out.
If he doesn't care, then, stop. Don't make a big deal out of it or advertise it or explain it. Don't feel guilty about it. Just don't do it. And why include the housewarming? If they don't care, you can't make them care. Plus, in my experience, some people get a charge out of being invited to stuff, then telling others that they chose not to go. Don't give them the choice. And if you ever hear that they are offended or feel left out, just feign surprise and tell them that you had no idea they wanted to be invited to such paltry stuff as you put together. Tell them they will be added on for sure next time, then, smile like the indulgent relative you are.

Red

p.s. Of course, the key to stopping is to not tell anyone that you stopped. You just don't do it. That way it becomes not a big deal to you.

I probably would have stopped inviting them already.

If you're concerned that not inviting to this one and the next one would seem too pointed, you could just send them plain invitations without the hand drawings. It seems to me that individually-drawn things are only worth doing if they give you joy when you're making them, and it sounds as if these particular ones wouldn't give you much joy.

Maybe they need a personal phone call in addition to the invitation? Tell them how much their coming would mean to you... Make them feel special, KWIM?

It does sound like you would like them to come.

The definition of inasnity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
Benjamin Franklin

I'd make this the last time.

"So how long do I keep inviting them?"

Twice. I don't play those 'family' games.

This is bizarre to me. None of them have ever been to your house. Their choice...yet, you continue to invite them? From their perspective, I would think every invite they receive from you is possibly (depending on your invitation wording) considered nothing but another gift solicitation to be thrown in the trash.

Especially for a first birthday for a second or third child is imo, a nothing event because the baby doesn't know what's going on anyway. It's important to the parents, of course.

And if they were family you wanted there anyway, I would call them and tell them not to bring a single thing except the pleasure of their company.

I agree...stop, stop, stop. Don't announce you're stopping to the rest of your family, just stop. Invite others who would LOVE to be part of your generosity.

We cannot control others' behavior & it's like beating your head against a brick wall. I used to be a big "figure out the motive of others" person", but I am announcing here & now that I will no longer do that. Just act on the behavior presented...they don't come & it appears they don't want to come...their loss.

mrsmarv took the words right out of my mouth. Unless, of course, you dig the martyrdom aspect of it (and I'm not really sure there's all that much wrong with that as long as you're not dragging anyone else on the ride with you unwillingly - different strokes et cetera).

I'm normally in the "three strikes and you're out" camp, unless there are specific issues... for instance, due to this wonky body of mine I often can't make a firm decision about whether I will or won't attend something until the day of the event, and I have to turn down too many invitations right off because I know I just won't have any extra spoons that week. Most people would have given up and struck me from every invitation list since I usually can't go. But... I've told my friends that if I'm not invited at all to things I feel abandoned and forgotten. (When I first got sick, virtually all of my friends drifted away because I "wasn't any fun" anymore, and the rest disappeared when after a year or so I didn't have the good manners to either get better or... that really hurt.) Heck, I may just get lucky and wake up that day feeling up to a party, you know?

"Oh, and BTW, they always find a way to make it to our aunts house (the one local to me) even though it's an additional 45min. drive PAST my house!"

See, I don't think it's "too sensitive" to see something kind of hinky in that particular action. Bad manners, lack of class, call it what you will.

Why is it we accept behavior from people with whom we have absolutely nothing in common except an accident of DNA, when anyone else who treated us in such a fashion would merit a swift kick in the arse?

insanity, not "inasnity". Geez, and I'm a secretary. Pretty pathetic on my part LOL.

mrsmarv, Albert Einstein once gave that great definition. It's so true; how many times do we go through the same issues before we realize that we can change the situation by simply changing our (re)action.

ttodd, I'm with geogirl on this one. Life is much too short so don't sweat the small stuff ... and it's seldom worth projecting more negativity into your world.

You've described them as fairly insular, so I'd not worry that they don't move out of their comfort zone. You, your mom and aunt ventured out far beyond their world. Good for you, but that's not their way.

They're likely very casual also and may find written invitations off-putting. Sure, it's impolite not to RSVP but you now know that's how they are, so don't expect them to change. As far as passing by your home to visit your aunt, that's sort of understandable as they've shared a longer time together. She also may had made it clear that they have a standing invitation to stop by and they may feel for whatever reason that your invitations requires presents they aren't prepared to give. If you do issue more invites, consider a "no presents" request.

If you want to still work at establishing closer ties, try calling them up for a casual barbecue and brew for no special occasion other than you'd like to see them. They still may not take you up on your invitation, but that's just the way it is sometimes. Wish them well and enjoy your life!

I'm with geo and Abundant. You never know why someone isn't attending. It may be out of their comfort level, for whatever reason. Continue to make them feel welcome, maybe with a special note or call about how you miss them at the gatherings (because it seems you do). Do what makes you feel most comfortable in the end. It doesn't sound as if you're ok with leaving some family members out.

Great idea to save yourself some work by not slaving over their invitations, though they might actually enjoy that part, lol. And the 'no gifts' clause.

Your invites may actually mean something to them. You just never know.

They don't ever leave the little town that they were all born and live in. Sometimes not even the property.

Their decision not to visit has very little to do with you. If you had chosen to live among them in that little town (good grief), they would probably visit you.

If you are going to continue inviting them, at least switch to computer-generated invitations.

I think you need to take into account the importance of the events you're inviting them to and whether they come or not.
Can your relatives afford to buy gifts for these parties? Maybe they feel they can't come without a gift and for whatever reason don't want to buy one!

When my boys were that young, and we had a family party for those first few birthdays, we just invited the immediate family - parents and our brothers/sisters. I love parties, but probably wouldn't be real excited about attending a cousin's daughter's 1st birthday.

I'd invite them to the housewarming - but phrase the invite as a family get together/reunion. Housewarmings are an awkward gift purchase for alot of people, so if it's not an official "housewarming" maybe they'll come.

If they don't come to the family reunion invite, I'd stop inviting them. You know then that its not a gift thing, it's a I don't want to socialize with you thing!

If they don't come to the family reunion invite, I'd stop inviting them. You know then that its not a gift thing, it's a I don't want to socialize with you thing

Not so.

If it's not I don't want to socialize with you thing, then it's just general laziness and lack of social graces.

I have a similar thing with my family. I have a couple of cousins that I was close with growing up and that now live 2 hours away. I send them Christmas cards every year, graduation announcements, party invites and I never hear boo from them. 6 months ago, I get an invite to a baby shower for the daughter of my cousin. Didn't even know she was pregnant, hoped she hadn't gotten married and I didn't get an invite! Turns out she wasn't married but was having a baby. So, I decided to drive up the two hours that Sunday and attend - mostly just to see everyone and hear what's new. They were all thrilled to see me and we had a great visit. I took a number of pictures of the mother to be and my cousin and other family members at the shower. Plus some of her opening gifts etc. I sent copies of all the photos to my cousin. Never got a thank you for my gift, an acknowledgement of sending the photos. No baby announcement. Nada.

I know they like me, they like me coming to their events on the rare occasions they have them, but have no interest in making the drive to attend any of my events or interact with my kids or hubby. So it is what it is. I accept them, as they are, but definitely don't invite them to events anymore other than those that I consider life milestones like graduation parties or weddings my kids will have in the future. They probably won't come, but at least I invited them!

"Like I said, they literally all live beside eachother (and some in the same house that they sub-divided). They don't ever leave the little town that they were all born and live in. Sometimes not even the property."

There's a neighborhood in Rome called Trastevere. Many of the people there, who are their 80's and 90's, have never ventured out of there. They've never seen any other part of Rome. As a body, they are a living anachronism. This is their comfort zone.

Seeing as they have visited you once, maybe that's all you can expect. Perhaps, stay in touch by just calling them once in a while. There are people who just dread travelling, especially when it's not to immediate family. I doubt if it's personal.

I have my own type of gripe, :), and it does have to do with people who move away. My inlaws lived in the Midwest, close to all of their family, and decided to move to Florida. All the children and their spouses/children, were then expected to spend all of their vacation time flying to see them. Christmas, Thanksgiving and Easter were also on the docket.

As much as I like to take trips, guilt trips are just not much fun.

Lots of good feedback - thank you!

Since I haven't sealed the envelopes yet I think that I will write 'no presents please' at the bottom. I simply enjoy the whole party planning and making something really nice for everybody aspect of it all.

Then if they don't come - well I'm done w/ all of the handwritten invites. Maybe I'll get e-mail addresses and when I have a get together I'll drop them an e-mail and just say 'If you're not doing anything such and such a day we'd love to have your company or something like that'. Does that sound good?

I always find it curious that they don't come even knowing that my mom: their daughter/ sister/ aunt to all of them will be here and she drives 4hrs to come.

Oh - well, I think this is the last year for the written invite!

Thank you!!!!

That sounds like a great plan! Maybe they just don't like big gatherings or are uncomfortable for some other similar reason. I have some older relatives that can't take all the noise and excitement of it all anymore, even though they did enjoy those type of things when they were younger. Me, I always wanted to be a party girl but was never comfortable at them : (

I liked your idea of inviting us!!!

I haven't read all the replies so forgive me if this has been said.

In the past when you send out invites to birthday parties, do they send a card or a gift even if they can't be there? If so, then I'd keep sending out invitations. I'm not saying this to be greedy, but at least your DD knows they're thinking about her, especially as she gets older.

And if they don't send a card/gift, I think I'd still send an invite anyway.

Besides my children, I'm the only blood relative in my state. It's lonely. :(

Parma42,

As a side note to your comment about people moving away and expecting everyone to come visit them on holidays - well I had the reverse!

We moved to FL and as soon as we were settled into our two bedroom condo we started getting the phone calls - "we have a week of vaca, mind if we come down and visit?" From February to May it got to the point I was afraid to answer the phone. Not that we minded at first the visits, but we still had to get up and go to work every day, so late night dinners and visiting took its toll.

When we moved back home, I actually was thankful that the "hotel" was now closed! I told my husband if we ever moved back, we'd have to get a HUGE house just to hold all our visitors so I didn't go postal on them.

Just got back from a long wknd. touring vineyards and breweries in Long Island.

I thought about the 'No Gift' thing written on the invite. I thought that it might be weird for them if they saw that DH's side of the family all brought gifts and they brought none so I wrote on the back of each invitation 'Hope to see you, looking forward to spending time with you all. We're finally done with all of the 1st birthdays!'.

In answer to the question of do they send anything? Only my grandpa. He will always send a card and check (he always gets a thank you and picture). But nobody else out that way sends anything (even a card).

My grandpa is the only one who has an excuse not to come as he is aged and doesn't drive anymore. Sweet little German man! I'm so glad that he's been able to live to see so many great - grandchildren. The opportunity to spend time w/ 3 oout of 4 of my Great Grandparents has always been the most memorable lucky thing for me!

We only invited my family that is close to my DS on his first birthday. That included my Mom and Dad, my sister and her family, my brother and his family and one aunt, and some friends. There were plenty of family members that weren't invited, because they weren't that close to my son. I would feel funny having family there that didn't want to be there. My husbands family lives in another state, so of course, they weren't invited to come, especially since they aren't so close to him, living so far away. Grandma (on DH side) always sends a card with money.