It is done, but it is wrong. You never ask for a gift, and you never tell people what gift to give.

Akin to standing at the doorway of the wedding venue with your hand out or charging admission.

I've also seen it where the bride and groom, on their website, asked for cash to help pay for their honeymoon - I don't think so.

It's tacky to state it on a website but honestly, it's also practical, since it is what the couple really needs. And everyone knows that most people will spend $ for a wedding gift, so you might as well give them what they want.

My brother charged admission to his wedding and wanted no gifts ; it was a great party and everyone came and paid for their dinner. Tacky ? I guess so
according to social conventions. DB and his wife paid for the wine during dinner. He is a wedding singer and has a band so he provided the entertainment. If I remember well, it was 45$ per person.

I agree with les917. I have been on the receiving end of that kind of invite and it's a huge turn-off. When I got that invitation with the "we're-building-a-house-send-cash" announcement I felt like it wasn't much different than the other requests for donations that I get in the mail and it seemed like we were being invited mainly to add to the bottom-line since the invite was only for my husband and I and we had school aged children (and no one to leave them with and they weren't invited). Plus the event was in a state about 8 hours away. We had known the bride for a very long time, she was a woman in her late 50's, this was a third marriage (she was twice widowed), her father was a congressman and she had to know proper protocol. We did not go to the wedding. I was so turned-off I don't think I even sent a gift, which I usually do whether we're attending or not.

I think if I got an invitation like that I would send a nice card with the notation that out of respect for their not registering for gifts, I have sent a donation in their names to a charity rebuilding homes for displaced Haitians, or to their local Habitat for Humanity - or some other charity building homes for people who really can't afford to build their own.

Perhaps instead of taking the time to set up that website, they could have simply requested a copy of their guests' most recent tax return and then invoiced them for whatever they thought the proper amount would be, based on income.

Don't know if you remember my Formal Attire thread from a few weeks ago - that wedding invitation also had a website address. among other really bothersome details, like PayPal for their honeymoon fund - a 3 week trip to India. Proper? No, absolutely not. Is it done? Seems to be more common than we want to accept. I will go kicking and screaming into the future if this is to become the norm and the ACCEPTED norm.

Here is a link that might be useful: Formal Attire

Times are changing....I'm not saying its right. But I'm also not saying its wrong.

Is it really that different then customary wedding registries?

I remember registering for China and Silver about 43 years ago....something I 'thought' I wanted. Back then I registered at one store, my mother took telephone calls from guests asking where I was registered. Some gave me items from the registry some didn't.

A Friend of my mother-in-law even threw me a "China Shower" where it was expected that the guest would contribute to my place servings. Kind of gives me the creeps thinking about those types of parties...

(we never used the china I thought I loved, replaced it with something I actually like. I still have the sterling, actually still add to it when I see a deal...)

Yes -- it is indeed a sign of changing times.

It is the next step for the Wedding Gift Registry.

Some folks feel that giving cash would simplify the whole question of "what to give -- and what would the bride & groom actually USE" In fact -- that sentiment was the main impetus for the wedding gift registry. The idea was to create a list of items that the bride & groom would actually love to receive -- and would truly use in their new life.

And yes! In some cultures -- cash IS the gift of choice.

I'm with the group that just feels that times they are a changing, written a bit of a sigh.

It is customary to give a gift to the wedding couple. And while part of me feels that yes, it is tacky to say that a gift is expected, and tacky to say what gift the couple would like, the fact is that a gift is expected and given.

The practical part of me feels that if cash to buy a home is what the couple want and need, it takes a burden off of me to be able to just write out a check for an amount that I would normally spend on a present and enclose it in a card with best wishes.

For my own wedding, we received some gifts of cash, and they were put towards buying our home. Very, very appreciated!

Now, asking guests to address thier own envelopes for thank you notes is going too far!

I get the "ick" factor, but I'm in the times are a'changin camp.

I'm 32 and I don't have one single, solitary friend who DIDN'T live with their significant other for a good amount of time before they got married. People just don't need the necessities of "setting up house" anymore - they already have them. What most DO need is money. I agree that the approach can be tacky, be unfortunately I think this is the direction we're headed.

When I married 39 years ago, I did not register; I was very young, and felt as if I was begging by registering. We were also struggling, short-sighted college students, and I didn't see any use for china and silver.

For our wedding, we received 5 clocks and 3 irons. A few of the things we received we only began using a few years ago ( a 5 piece serving set on a pedestal, of which we received 2 because they were an appropriate amount of green stamps, and a juice set). I'm sure those who spent their money (or green stamps wanted us to be able to use and enjoy what they purchased, but some we didn't. Since no one included receipts back then, and we didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings, we kept all the gifts, with no returns.

I much prefer to give cash to a young couple. I still remember the excitement DH and I had on our way to our Florida honeymoon with our cash gifts in hand knowing we wouldn't have to pinch pennies. Those who gave cash helped give us a lifelong memory. The gifts are primarily long gone.

I know it's not correct to ask for money, and I've never had a couple request it, but I know they'll appreciate it. We just received a wonderful thank you from my nephew and his new wife, telling us about the extra excursion they were able to take on their honeymoon with the cash we gave them. That made me very happy, and made me wish we had given them more.

Dee

Negotiating the waters of mixed cultural, ethnic, and contemporary norms for weddings these days is ever-so challenging.
DD was just wed in August. Our family traditions are Jewish, although we are not devout. We're also "left-coasters". Groom's family is Protestant & hail from New England. The ceremony was vaguely secular, but successfully compromised, and directed entirely by the couple; truly lovely!
As MOB, I ended up playing referee for all etiquette issues:
YES! I like the current "norm" of a website. (Practical & SIL is a programmer!)
YES! You can TELL or E-mail your url...
NO! It will NOT be included on any invitation. (Even the shower).
Contents of website:
YES! Schedule, location, & directions to all related events.
YES! Homage paid to all attendants.
YES! Music requests for the band.
YES! Registry links
NO! PayPal link!!! (This ended up being a huge issue for groom's buddies. They're all techies & many are Armenian. They're culture encourages cash for gifts: why not make it easy for them? (I relented the week before the wedding, figuring that most folks who would find it tacky wouldn't notice it then).
Much like the discussion of "personal" items in "public" rooms, one must understand where the individual traditions & customs originate for a foundation; then make choices pertinent to your circumstances, place, & time. (Certainly a thankless and weighty task!).
Almost inevitably, SOMEONE looking to find fault will, but if you have researched the subject, you can have the confidence to know your choices were "right" for you.
BTW! What a terrific week for weighty subjects on this forum! THANK YOU!!!!

Your responses are much appreciated. I have had a bit of an "ick reaction" to some wedding registries, too, lately--the ones that go on for ten pages. I'm not thrilled with the website thing either, but I've seen it enough to know that that is how people do things these days. However, websites have also caused problems at times, rather than helped to obviate them. When we married thirty years ago, we did register, but only for china and crystal, and no one knew that unless they called my folks to ask, in which case, the inquiry was initiated by the guest. Now, every invitation we receive includes a card indicating where the couple is registered or what website to access. I am trying to be open-minded. Honest, I am. Really. LOL.

I feel like a big hypocrite here. "Gifting"** the couple marrying is the norm - I'm in. In some cultures, the bride carries (or someone does it for her) a special drawsting bag and as people come to her during the reception to express their good wishes, they slip cash or a check with a card into the bag. I haven't done that but attended a wedding where 95% of the guests were of the same ethnicity and they all knew what do. DH and I didn't know so had sent a gift earlier but would have been glad to follow the norm. The couple or their parents may have thought we were ignorant when they opened our gift. And it does make sense to allow the couple to get what they truly need or want. Or save it for their future life - whatever.

In our mixed up melting pot country, what one family thinks of as normal another may shake their heads in wonder. And I think that's where we're headed with the internet invitations, websites for weddings and honeymoon contributions, only the differences aren't cultural in this case, but generational. I won't lie - it does bother me. Can't even really express a solid reason why, but it does. There's a bit of sadness attached to it for me to see some of the "grace" go out of the old norms of invitations, responses, subtle calls to the MOB for registry info instead of in your face websites and PayPal. But time marches on. Once I get through with my hissy fit and am confronted with this as more and more of my sons' peers marry, I will probably learn to expect it and hopefully accept it with some grace. But I don't have to like it!

**That one is for trailrunner! tee hee!

It is done, but it is wrong. You never ask for a gift, and you never tell people what gift to give.

I completely agree. Etiquette dictates that an invitation is never issued with the expectation of a gift to follow. Times are indeed changing, but certain social mores still make sense to me.

I have to say that I have never heard of admission being charged for a wedding until now!

I think it's really different being from a culture where money is the expected/accepted gift and flat out ASKING for cash in lieu of gifts. I would think (but could be wrong- because it's not my culture's way) that in the cultures where it is expected, no mention is made of it by the hosts. Some of my favorite memories of my wedding are prompted by using things that were gifted by loved ones. Can't imagine that I would be thought of (or would want to be) if I gave enough money for that new fancy toilet.

NOT where I live. Everything here is the same, which I like.

Here's something for you. Last weekend my neice got married for the 2nd time. Which is great because she has a little one and had a hellish year due to her ex. We were happy for her.

We're a very close family. Her wedding was at her home, the party that night was just for close friends...the younger set. Fine.

The wedding itself was fo "close family and friends."

Except we weren't ivited to either, not even a shower. Before the wedding the mother of the bride told us what the neice wanted. King size sheets. Very expensive no matter what thread count they are.

I ordered them and had them sent to her house, but we're all pretty put off by the lack of manners. Except we do kind of laugh about it. lol

...another of the 'proper' wedding customs that I'm glad to see pass away was the displaying of wedding gifts that was once 'the right thing to do'.

Our wedding album actually came with little numbers that were put on the gifts. The numbers cooresponding with a sheet of paper with the giver's name. Tables were set up in the Bride's home (parents). Friends would visit to see the haul. (and who gave what).

Some etiquette rules are better not followed.

I've received a few shower and/or wedding invitations with the request for donation to the fund for the honeymoon. IMHO it is the tackiest thing I've ever seen. If the bride & groom can't afford to take a honeymoon, then I really believe that they should just wait until they are in a better financial place to do so.

Okay, I am one of those who still believe that there should be some sort of line when gift trolling becomes insanely tacky. To have a Paypal friendly website in order to contribute a honeymoon or home for the newlyweds really crosses the line I've formed in my mind.

...another of the 'proper' wedding customs that I'm glad to see pass away was the displaying of wedding gifts that was once 'the right thing to do'.

Actually I don't believe that bringing gifts to the reception was really considered proper. Gifts were to be sent to the bride's home, so that there was no burden on the bridal party to cart all the gifts home.

Along similar lines -- I received a note from a cousin's child (20-something) who we are not that close to. She wanted to take a trip abroad to do some kind of volunteer project and didn't have the money to pay for it. She was soliciting us for funds. I don't mind when kids sell cookies or chocolate bars for band trips etc. because at least they're DOING something, but this hit me the wrong way. Yes, maybe it was a worthy endeavor but it seemed a little more fun than work. I have kids of my own and if they can't afford to do something they work for the money themselves or THEY DON'T DO IT. They don't go off begging. I found the whole thing very distasteful. I didn't send back a note that said "Get. A. Job." Thought of it though...

Wasn't there someone who posted not too terribly long ago about someone who had set up a Facebook page soliciting donations for a trip abroad? (Or was that you, Judithn?)

No auntjen, it wasn't me. I vaguely remember that posting though. Obviously the idea of soliciting for handouts is catching on. In this case it wasn't even tied to an event, like a college or high school graduation. You know, if we were close to the girl and she was saying things like: "I'd really love to do this trip but I don't have the money," and I offered to contribute to a trip fund, it would be different. But given the nature of the connection (or lack thereof) it just came off badly.

I remember that, too, auntjen. I seem to remember she had pictures on her facebook page of a personal vacation, while soliciting funds for an educational trip of some sort.
Dee

I think it may have been golddust who posted that someone she knew used FB and/or some other means to request money to travel? Could be totally wrong since I have recently been suffering mentalpause at times. LOL

Still think it is tacky, with a capital T.

I was thinking that it was golddust also.

Who cares? People will always do as they please. The question is will you allow yourself to be treated that way?
You are the gift giver. You give what you feel you want. If the request insults you, throw it and move on. Don't look back!! These social conventions will only change if those of us who disagree go along!! "All it takes for BAD to happen is good people willing to do nothing". Couples who live together don't NEED presents, thus they don't get them! Couples who make SUGGESTIONS with a gift registry MIGHT get something from the list. You are the one making the purchase. YOU GET TO CHOOSE!!