You need to find "you" and that takes a bit of time.

Volunteer, take a class, find a new hobby, etc. Start a business, learn a new skill, etc. You're going to feel bad for a while, and nothing can really change your feelings, but doing something new, preferably that involves large muscles and movement, will distract you, keep your metabolism tuned up, and occupy your attention until your feelings sort themselves out.

So, can you travel at Christmas--start a new tradition for yourself?

Oh, how I relate to this! I'm in the middle of repurposing my (now too large) house after kids and a huge remodel project upstairs. (What a ton of work!)

Oh yes, the son who stays up too late and sleeps all day. Hmm, why do I have such a good visual of this scene? Max is way better now but he is almost 22. This image reminds me why mother birds push their babies out of the nest.

Maybe this is why so many people become volunteers in the community - to stay connected, needed and useful. To be part of something bigger than ourselves.

Find the joy of spending quality time with your DH.

Our youngest started college last year and we do treasure the time he is home and enjoy the freedom/privacy when he is gone.

When the boys are home, we are thankful for any time they spend with us, help us, but realize that the old rhythm is gone and new one developing.

But having fun with DH, being happy with him, that is what we enjoy at this time of our lives :)

I think Cooper hit the nail on the head. It's not easy but it's finally time that you get to know you and that takes time. When my mother found herself in a similar boat, she joined several woman's groups and is now so busy we have a hard time getting a hold of her. I've actually never seen her so happy. When my daughter left, I joined a community service program to help mentor young mothers which I thoroughly enjoyed. The answer is different for everyone, but try to think of the positive. You've done a great job with your kids, and now it's time to focus on you and your world!

You may not like what I'm going to say so feel free to toss it out the window. It's worth what you paid for it. LOL

I'll be blunt: Stop treating your son as a child. He's not one anymore. So quit nagging and telling him what to do and what to eat, etc. That's why he sleeps all day and sits with his computer when he is awake.

Find things that you can do together on an adult level. Find things to talk about that both of you are interested in. When my kids are home we spend time together playing games (doesn't sound adult but we play adult type games because that's something we all like to do), watching movies, talking about things that have happened at school or in the news. They help me in the kitchen sometimes. We run errands together (their errands mostly, things they want to get done while they are in town). In other words, we do stuff that we're both (or all three or all four) interested in.

It's important to remember that while away at school, there's no one mothering him. So when he comes home, he doesn't want to slip into that old dynamic even though you might want to. He considers himself an adult and in many ways, he is one. As soon as you begin treating him as a child, he withdraws.

Make spending time with you attractive. Do things HE wants to do and learn to enjoy them. That's the best advice I can give you.

I've always been pretty happy at the age I am. I've never wished to be 20 again or 30 again, or whatever. I'm who I am now because of being those previous ages and having lived those parts of my life. So, the same goes for my kids. I don't wish they were babies again, or toddlers or whatever. I absolutely LOVE who they are now, just as much as I loved who they were at all those stages. Even more in some cases! LOL

They are both in college, making their own lives. And I'm looking forward to seeing the adults they become, the paths they choose, etc. It's wonderful to stand back and say, "wow! I raised these kids" and admire the people they have become.

It's our job as a parent to raise kids who no longer totally depend on us so we should be happy when they reach that stage because it means we did a good job. And now that that job is much less now than it was before (they always need us some don't they?), although they will ALWAYS be our kids, and we'll ALWAYS be their parents, we need to move on in the relationship and relate in new ways, respecting who each other are now.

As far as when they're all gone, well, you were a whole person before they were born so it's just a matter of finding that whole person again. Find activities outside the home, as was suggested above like volunteering, hobbies, etc. And here's the most important part: use those activities to make friends. Getting together with friends is the best way I can think of to not dwell on the fact that the kids are gone.

I echo lowspark's thoughts and suggestions. They are very wise ones, indeed.

"This image reminds me why mother birds push their babies out of the nest."...or another reason why animals eat their young LOL.

Try to find something every day that makes you laugh.

I can relate to your post - my oldest is in college, living in an apt. He goes to school locally, so he lives about 5 miles from us! He showed up for dinner and stayed for several hours before retreating with his laundry back to his apt. and a party at his house with all his HS friens who were home for the weekend.

HS Senior Son sneaked out as well after dinner to "go to the movies". I swear that boy has seen every movie out at least 3 times as often as he "goes to the movies".

Fortunately, DS3 is only 11 and was more than happy to hang with the remaining Aunts/Uncles, DH and I and play poker!

I can see how as my oldest ones get more on their own and married, the holidays will become even more and more a distant memory of how things were when they were young.

At Christmas, your son will be home for several weeks, so unless he gets a job and is gone most of the day, you may find him in the vegetative state he was in over Turkey Weekend. Appreciate his presence in whatever state he offers it. Just remember in a year or two, you'll be wishing he was there even if it is to just lounge on the sofa.

In the mean time, I would plan a wonderful winter escape for you and DH. Go on a cruise, or visit FL for a week or two. Pick a new paint color for your bedroom and get some new bedding. Get a new dog or cat! Get some seed catalogs and plan a garden for spring. Have your hubby set you up some wire shelving with shop lights over top - start a garden by seeds. Take a tap dance class or start pilates. Pretend you're moving and get rid of everything in your closets and basement you don't need.

OK, so I've shared some of my winter to do list! Minus the new dog/cat!

Somewhere in a previous life I read that a parent's job is to lose their job.

Can't get much shorter than that. But it's true. Our role is to raise our children to become independent adults. Unfortunately many of us have let ourselves become too immersed in the parental role and when the last one leaves it can be devastating. The advice you received is really helpful. Now it's time to become responsible for yourself.

I wish you well in your endeavor- I'm still working through it myself.

I think you've gotten some wise advice from the people here. I, like Lowspark, have always enjoyed the stage of life I'm in. You need to start enjoying this stage.

I'd only add to look forward to new holiday traditions. My parents and my in-laws don't live near each other. So we set up along time ago that we would "split" the holidays. Every other year we go to my parents for Thanksgiving; the next year it's his families year. At some point, instead of my parent's every year we started trading off b/t my house and my brother's house. New traditions, but we are all together and that's what counts!

My cousins live close to both sets of parents. They combine holidays at their house and invite everyone. Perhaps you could invite your SIL's family to your house on xmas, start a new tradition. Or if your DD spends xmas eve with your SIL's family, then have them come to your house on xmas day. Of course, it will never be like it was, but now you are onto a new stage of life. This act could be better than the last one, if only you let it! Just think of the grandchildren!!!

Good luck and best wishes making it through this transition.

barb, you need an adjustment period also, and in time you'll get used to your new found freedom, clean house, etc.. I went through what you described also, my kids are now 30 and 32.

I agree with all the advice above, in my case I did not volunteer or take classes, it's not my thing but I tried to keep busier. As the months went on, I began to cherish my free time, cleaner house, less laundry, etc....
I missed them but I developed new habits. I remember being surprised at how much I was affected by their leaving home, I had not planned for that.

What you are feeling is normal, what you did at Tgiving is normal also, since it's what you are used to doing. Adjust for next time and just let them be; I know, it's not easy, I bit my tongue so often, lol.

We made certain plans, like nice dinners out, where it was required that they come; we told them in advance, otherwise we let them chill out.

Don't get discouraged, you'll get used to your new status !!

No advice here, only hugs! (((hugs))) My children are still at home, and I have moments when I realize someday they'll leave and be gone, and I just want to cry like a fool. I don't coddle, I'm not a hoverer, but gee whiz I'll miss them!!! My oldest is in 9th grade and your post is a good eye opener to see what is coming and realize time marches on.

I agree that you'll need to give yourself time, and now that you've identified these feelings, it'll be easier for you to understand them and sort them out, and perhaps even joke about them with your son.

Being a mother is harder than I ever thought when I brought that first baby home. Then the challenge was to keep that little bundle safe and alive!

Never did I imagine the sacrifice of time, energy, and self; along with the love,joy,and worry they've brought into my life! I can understand, I hope when my time comes this posts will be around for me!

Barb,
I haven't gone through the empty nest phase, except as the kid leaving :) Here's my 2 cents anyway. Life transitions are so hard. We have been joking around my office about how painful life is. What a thing to joke about, but what can you do but laugh.

Life transitions and the holidays together are very difficult. The holiday season has the highest rate of suicide attempts. It is tough to be unhappy during the season that we all want to feel joy.

I think it is very ok for you to be sad and grieve a little for what is was like when your kids were home. It is going to be different. You will all have to come up with new traditions and expectations. I think it will be awkward and will take a while. In the end, it will be fine and you will all adjust.

Do some things you have always wanted to do and haven't had time. Sleep. My mom always jokes that she didn't sleep from the time I was born until my youngest brother moved out. She says she slept for about two months after that.

In my family, my grandfather, who was the heart of the family, passed away just before Christmas five years ago. Then last year, my 22 year old newly married cousin was killed in an avalanche. The traditional family Christmas Eve party is never going to be the same. My grandmother is insisting on doing everything the same way, the same time, and no one wants to do it. My aunt and uncle are planning to go on a cruise because they can't bear the idea of being home on the anniversary of my cousin's death.

Life just goes, and I guess we all have to adapt and find new ways to enjoy.

Hugs to you,
Jen

I too have middle aged children and in the back of my mind I think of myself in this scenario. I want to thank you for posting as you made me realize that I should still treasure each 5 oclock hour dinner h*ll, repeated requests to help with homework, and laundry for 3 kids! I don't want to do it when they come at me and I know I will miss it when they don't!

I have always wanted to get a horticultural degree and plan on that once they are all gone--WHY NOT?? Is there a skill you wanted to learn or degree you wish you had? I am a nurse, it is a wonderful career and I enjoy helping people. Could you consider it? You can get an RN license in like 2 years!

I recommend also, being a christian woman to take this time to get to know God on a personal level. REad the bible, take a bible study. Make the Almighty the focus of your life. That is a great way to get to know people, sometimes good people that you can bond with. Also, get yourself a good book!

Sometimes, it is fear that keeps us from making a change. You will get into a new groove soon, but don't be afraid to step out and try. There is a saying at work, you can only fail by quitting and not trying.

These are my plans for my future, not in that order and some I have begun now.

Good luck, hang in there and enjoy the next phase of your life....

I was there a few years ago. I was in such a funk after the kids left...and I too nagged and couldn't understand why they were just zombies when they came over. And I whined when they didn't call. And I felt my whole purpose was over.

Then I realized that DH and I could do what we wanted and not worry about the kids walking in. We could eat what we wanted, when we wanted. Even when the kids were living at home, they'd be gone doing their own things, but they were still LIVING at home. So we always kept one ear to the ground...but after they left, we realized we didn't need to do that any more.

We ended up stocking the cupboards with foods only WE liked. The TV channels were tuned to OUR channels. Same with the radio on the car. All kinds of things we started getting used after we accepted that for the first time ever, we were ALONE together. (We were both married before and brought kids to the relationship). It was sooo nice.

Holidays were weird, having to share the kids with others and when they came home they'd bury their heads in the computers or video games they'd bring. But as they started getting older, they became more like actual people...if you know what I mean. We find that we can enjoy the kids now as they're experiencing their own lives.

Sorry..I don't have much advice, just to say it's like grieving the loss of a loved one. Time passes and you find yourself adapting. And you find that life is really sweet.

I'm there with you. I have 3 kids 30, 23 (today!) and 21. The youngest is studying abroad this year in Spain - and we have heard practically zilch from him. My oldest did a school year abroad a few years ago and sent numerous emails detailing the sights and culture of the country he was in and the places he was traveling to. He maintained a Flickr account with many pictures with captions. With this one I am lucky to get a 2 line chat! He posts pictures on Flickr, but there are no captions. I hate to say it, but I'm a bit resentful that my DH and I are funding this but he isn't sharing his experiences with us. Now he is telling us that he is really stressed out and wants to come home for Christmas. Well, it's not cheap to buy last minute roundtrip airfare at Christmastime! I think that he needs to tough it out. Okay, I'm sorry to rant on someone else's thread.

barb5 - Dealing with empty nest situation. While lowspark's words of wisdown are great in theory, some may be hard in practice.

DD started college this past fall. I have been a bit out of sorts, don't seem myself. Spoken with friends who had gone through the same thing. It is a huge adjustment when your birds fly the nest. I have only one so I only have to endure this once:)

Fortunately I have a great DH and we are enjoying our time together, doing things in the house, making subtle changes to reflect the lifestyle we now have. But it is very different than what was our "norm".

I don't nag DD. I was her age, know that my DM's nagging just drove me up the wall. I have learned to take the time she has for me and appreciate that. It's not an intentional slight, they are just wrapped up in their "new" lives.

I try to remember, while I am adjusting to this new arrangement, DD is trying to find her way in her new life -new friends, new living arrangements, etc. I know it probably seems that your DS is living it up, but may be that he enjoys coming home to decompress and not have to be "on" all of the time.

Hang in there.

I knew I could turn to this forum and get wonderful, thoughtful advice and support. You guys are the greatest, and this forum is a very special place.

I think when I dropped DS off to college, I had a mindset that he was just going away for a little while and then he would be back. Thanksgiving showed me I was wrong. DS has moved on and while he can visit us, he is forming his own life away from us. And I think the nagging resulted from my fighting that realization- I think I was trying to get DS back into the fold, and I created all kinds of tension and unhappiness in my attempt. I totally agree that I need to stop the nagging.

For the first time in my life, my thoughts seem to be dwelling on the past, and not on the future. I am feeling old, and somewhat used up and thrown out.

Thank you for your suggestions. I do need to find myself again, I would love to travel more, and I need to find something to do that tells me I still have a future, a brain, and a life.

Jen, I am so sorry to hear about your cousin. I think your Aunt and Uncle are doing the right thing to get away. I don't think you ever get over something like that, but hopefully you get to a point where you can live life again despite it. I am sending hugs to you as well.

Terriks, do you have Skype? It is terrific and free! Perhaps that would be a way that your DS would be more communicative, and plus see his mom's face and assuage his homesickness? Also, could your eldest son, who was so successful in his year abroad, give some advice and incouragement to your youngest? Things sound differently coming from a sibling, than from a mom.

I am glad to learn that there is light at the end of this phase of life and that life can be good, albeit different than it was. I guess I need to be patient with myself.

Barb, mine have been gone for a few years now and I still feel sad and lonely. How do we ignore all those years together as a whole and just move on? Empty Nest is a problem many of us share. Some are relieved when their kids move out. lol. As I posted in another thread, I miss "us."

I'm assuming your son is still a teenager or a young adult? If so, they still need a lot of sleep, it's a scientific fact which thankfully I learned when the boys were still home.

As far as nagging, I still nag. lol. But they listen to me now. Just because they are of age doesn't mean you have to stop being mom. When he comes home, I'd let him sleep as long as he wants. They see home as being a safe haven where they can just chill out for the weekend.

Barb, as someone earlier said, transitions are tough on everyone . . . My kids are in their late 30s with kids of their own, but I remember vividly that "lost" feeling when #3 left for college. All three had been competitive swimmers, and I remember bursting into tears one day in the laundry room when I smelled the Clorox!!

I also remember catching up on lost sleep on college breaks. Also, my now-DH, then-BF, was at another college and the only time we were together a lot was on vacations -- we had to force ourselves at first to spend time with parents! They let us have space and gradually we learned how to share. And I remember how hard it was to "account" to someone else after a few months of heady freedom.

You'll all find your new roles . . . there will be a few bumps in the road, but you'll get there. All the suggestions above are good, but I'll add one more: Give it time.

Not to hijack the thread but Terriks I am experiencing my second tour of my DS studying abroad and he uses Skype. I speak with him at least every other day or so and I have a pretty good idea of how his trip is going. He is in Tokyo this year and last year he was in China.

Barb, I know exactly how you are feeling and it has taken me awhile to adjust to all the changes. In my case I got hit with the double whammy, relocating from an area I lived my whole life and my one and only son leaving the nest. His first year of college turned out to be relatively easy and that can be attributed to the fact that he was about two hours away. When he decided to study abroad in China his sophomore year, that's when it really hit me. I had a a really hard time but thanks to DH got through it. The holidays have been hard and I take it day by day and I have rediscovered some hobbies and other things to do and that has helped. I'm finally coming to the realization that our traditions will be changing because we have moved to another stage in life.

Hang in there.

I never had children but I think I can understand Barb.

Why not start doing things with your husband again? Afterall, there were only the two of you before the kids came along, right? It can be a great time getting to know one another again.

Spend more times with your girlfriends, girl talk is the best.

.....Jane