I like this too. Thank you for posting it. I like to laugh, and do so love my dogs.

Sammy

More....

(I think Capone has learned to read. That last set he's got down pat.)

NEWSPAPERS: If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose.

VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.

BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark--- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark...

LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.

HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.

DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.

THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.

DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.

HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.

GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.

COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.

PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.

CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never--- quite--- catch them. It spoils all the fun.

CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry. ...Eat a shoe.

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Daily Routine
The day is divided into two important sections. Mealtime. And everything else.
I. Mealtime

1. Just because there does not seem to be anything visible around to eat certainly does not mean there is nothing around to eat. The act of staring at the underside of a table or chair on which someone else is eating sets in motion a chain of events that eventually results in food.

2. It goes without saying that you should carefully check the lower third of any space for edibles. Mouth-sized things which cannot be identified by sight or smell are considered gum.

3. When you actually receive a meal, submerge your head into it as you would a shower. Never, never look up again until a minimum of at least fifteen minutes after the obvious food is gone. This is important. Just because your dish is empty does not mean that it is time to stop eating.

4. Remember that all food is potentially yours up until the time that it is actually swallowed by another. The lengthy path a piece of food will take from a plate to a mouth via a hand is as good a time as any to stake your claim to it.

5. When it comes to selecting an appropriate beverage, location and packaging mean nothing. There are absolutely no exceptions to this rule.

6. If you really see something you want, and all your other attempts at getting it have failed, it is only right to grovel shamelessly. As a second tactic, stare intently at the object of your desire, allowing long gelatinous drools to leak like icicles from your lower lip.
II. Everything Else

1. There are really only two important facial expressions to bother with: complete and overwhelming joy and nothing at all.

2. Any time that is not meal time is potentially nap time. The best time to take a nap is when you hear your name being called repeatedly. The best location for a nap is dead center of any street or driveway. The most relaxing position is on your side, all four limbs parallel.

3. The most practical way to get dry is to shake violently near a fully clothed person. A second effective method is to stand on a light- colored piece of furniture.

4. Personal Safety

A. At the first hint of any irregular noise, run from room to room yelling loudly. If someone actually comes into the house, rush over to them whether you know them or not. Then kiss them so violently that they lose their balance or have to force you away physically.

B. The greatest unacknowledged threat to life as we have come to know it is squirrels. No matter what you must do, make sure there are none in your yard.

5. Recreation and Leisure

A. Ball: There are two equally amusing sets of rules you will want to know. a. The Common Form, in which you receive a thrown ball and return it. b. The Preferred Form, in which you receive a thrown ball and eat it.

B. Car: As you know, any open car door is an invitation to get in. Once inside, your only goal is to try to get out.

6. Health

A. In the event of a trip to the doctor, always be on your guard. If you are vaccinated, urinate on the physician.

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1. After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your human's bedtime.

2. Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)

3. Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.

4. Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go 'pee', sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.

5. Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go 'poo'. Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.

6. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.

7. Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.

8. Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).

9. When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.

10. Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside, this will drive them nuts!)

Have another one, it is especially important to wait under the table until human gets up from seat while eating, make sure their back is turned and use this to jump up on table grab part of their dinner (theirs is always better) and jump back down under the table with the treat. It is critical to take only small portions so humans cannot tell what has occured. They love to be tricked like this, it is a known fact in the pet world.

Figured out another one just this morning:

It is imperitive to supervise all 'gardening' business. Humans *think* they know how to dig holes and kill plants, but they are useless when it comes to these duties. You must involve yourself and show them how to do it properly, as you are the dog of the house. Do not be tempted with bribery - not even that rubber thing with the peanut butter. (Once they put the peanut butter in it, you'll get it eventually, anyway - just do something cute when you want it.)

If humans shut you in the house while they 'garden,' show your disdain by urninating on something they like a lot - but you must keep them entertained with vast amounts of cuteness while urine seeps into carpet padding, where it will never come out.

Bonus points for digging holes faster than humans can re-plant bulbs, as well as training them to repeat 'HEY!' and 'Damn it!' until they become red-faced. If you are unable to earn bonus points this way, you can still receive extra credit for peeing on something they've just planted. Pretend you do not know it is wrong.

Those are so funny, and so true!

Big guy has taught us a new rule.

"Make your owners think you're going deaf until they feel bad. Then magically be able to very clearly and quickly hear the words 'cookie' 'walk' and 'cruise'. Go back to pretending you're deaf whenever you hear your name, 'sit', 'stay' or 'come'. This way you only have to eat cookies and go for walks"

Learned a new one: Always sniff before you step! [[Capone is a freak about keeping his paws clean. I've had an old dishtowel by the back door for two months now, still haven't had to use it. When he's carrying mud clots (common thing when your paws are that big) he actually dips his feet in puddles and rubs them on the grass! I laugh so hard I can barely muster a "Good boy!"]]

And this one:

lmao, as the seagulls in Little Nemo said... Mine, mine, mine!
Lorie

These are all so cute, funny & definitely true. Thanks for the smiles that you gave me again today.

...these are hilariousness. Thanks to all who took the time to post-we all love a good laugh like the above bring on-
thanks again, Toby's 'mom'