We bought a ranch 14 years ago in anticipation of stairs becoming a problem. I was driving to PA every weekend to care for parents several years ago and that confirmed our choice for me Stairs become more and more difficult. Although our house has two levels (walk-out lower level), we can eventually live only on the main floor. Is there any way to reconfigure your rooms, so you can have the laundry upstairs and the master bedroom on the main level as well? We have our laundry downstairs, but our dryer is a Bosch with a condenser that needs no venting-we can easily move it up at some point. We also plan to move the washer, but haven't decided whether to use a line in the bathroom or the kitchen. If by bi-level you mean what we call a split foyer (stairs up and down from front door with only a small foyer there at the door), then this wouldn't work since you would still have to use the stairs no matter what. Another idea that someone I know did was to put in a small elevator-you may lose some space, but it certainly would solve your problem if it could go from a garage corner to the main level.

Another factor is how much longer your DH will be working. Perhaps moving closer to DH's work would be more amenable to him. If your most important concern is distance from the new grandchild, 15 miiles is not that far-afterall, you are willing to let DH drive that distance for his commute. Also, there is no guarantee that your children and grandchild will stay in their house forever, so if you move primarily to be closer to them, you could end up out of luck in five years. :)

It might make more sense to move the laundry to a better location after your son moves out. You may also be eligible for a chair lift if you have a diagnosed problem with your knees.

I wouldnt hesitate to move into a one level. When we built our last home the laundry and master had to be downstairs. My husband said after he is done with the heating system up there and the paint and work, he would never go up those stairs again. Also his back went out a few years before and he is like a lumberjack and I am a shrimp, I had trouble helping him down the stairs, and for 3 days he stayed upstairs, not wanting to navigate the steps even with my help. That said, you have valid and sensible reasons for making a change.
I am 40 minutes from my grandchildren and I dont hesitate to pick them up and take them home after overnight visits almost 3 weekends a month, to me its not biggie to drive 15 miles would be a cakewalk. We used to commute 45 minutes and it is a bummer, but I bet you can find something in the area especially if you are scaling back. Maybe you dont have to find something so far out. I think you need to start looking on the net at what is out there and how much you can buy if you scale back. Either that or look into those elevator seats you attach to the stairs, which I think is a less attractive option, because as we age the situation isnt going to change. Or is there anyway you can take an unused family room or parlor etc and convert it to a master downstairs? Good luck.

Have you taken a look at your preferred neighborhood to see what's available? Doubling a 7-mile commute doesn't seem that onerous to me, but taking on a new mortgage as well as the expense of moving is a big investment. I would certainly want to review all of the options for making my current house viable in addition to looking at different homes to purchase. I know you are just at the beginning of the process, but being able to lay out all of the alternatives with their realistic financial impact could be very helpful in determining your best course of action.

I know exactly where you are coming from! I live in a two-story house that is just too big for me to care for. I had cancer treatment 4 years ago and have not regained all of my energy. My house is a mess and I hate it. I avoid the stairs as much as I can but that means that I do not clean upstairs as much as I should or put away the laundry like I should. My youngest (23) moved out last year and I want a one-level ranch house so bad. Unfortunately, my husband will not sell this house because of the economy, etc. I still push the idea for the ranch as much as I can because someday, I am just going to stop going upstairs. I just keep piling stuff up on the bottom of the stairs that needs to be taken up...that is how much I try to avoid them :) The stairs hurt my hip and it is hard to carry the laundry up. My hubby won't put anymore money into the house because it isn't worth what it is mortgaged for now.

I wish I had an answer for you (and for me!). I can only say that I know exactly how you feel :)

So I gather from your post that you have a particular ranch in mind - otherwise, why would your DH necessarily have to end up farther from work?

I think your health is an important issue. I have end-stage osteoarthritis in both knees, and live in a split level. I know how much those seven stairs up and seven stairs down can be killers some days. Have you talked to him about it from a health standpoint?

I wouldn't think you are too far from the grandchild, if it is only 15 miles in the wrong direction, but certainly having your grandchild come and visit in a ranch will be safer for the first few years, with no stairs to be concerned about.

As for the investment in the house, that will be reflected in the market value and saleability, versus other houses, so you aren't really losing anything. You may get a little less for your house, but then the house you buy will likely be less expensive as well.

Perhaps if you get some house listings printed out to show him, homes that are less than or equal to the market value of your current home and in your current area, and talk about the progression of your disease, it will show him that you are thinking about him and his commute, the economics, but that your issues are serious.

A ranch house is my dream, too - I hope things go well for you.

I wholeheartedly agree with what Pollyanna posted: "you have valid and sensible reasons for making a change."
Unfortunately, it may take a while for you to convince your dh that a move is really a good idea. In my experience, the best way for me to discuss something serious with my dh is to write down a list of pros and cons or the pertinent facts or whatever applies to the situation before we talk. Then I don't like to feel as if I'm nagging when I have to restate my feelings or wishes about something before he realizes that I'm deadly serious. By requesting a time to talk when he's not distracted with work worries or overtired or otherwise not able to focus, he knows the topic is important, and by writing down discussion points we're better able to keep the conversation unemotional. YMMV.

An idea to consider is presenting your dh with a list of all of the accommodations needed for your current house to work reasonably well for you until he's ready to move. Figure the cost of such things/services as a stair lift, moving the laundry equipment to a more convenient location, sending the laundry out to be done & delivered to you folded or on hangers, using a shopping service for your groceries or just hiring a neighborhood kid to tote bags from the car into your kitchen, and hiring a maid service for weekly or biweekly cleaning. Compare the costs of both one-time alterations and ongoing services to the cost of moving, once you've checked out available one level houses within a reasonable drive.

Of course, this decision is not just about the money but also about your quality of life. You're far more impacted by the design of your house since you're home and caring for it while your dh is at work all day. It sounds as if you may also have physical problems that your dh doesn't experience, and he may not realize how painful or tiring they are for you. You are NOT a "selfish beast" for wanting to do whatever is feasible to reduce your pain and improve your quality of life.

We bought a ranch in 2002.
We realized it was silly to have a 2nd story just to keep bedrooms there. Plus, stairs are just plain a hassle. I have never understood these people who buy 3 and 4 story townhomes!

Anyway. After a fire in 2005, we had the opportunity to restructure the inside. Laundry is off the MBR. TV/Den is off the kitchen. Everything is made for convenience. My husband was 6'5" and had broad shoulders, so even our hallways and doorways are a minimun of 36", which happens to be good for wheelchairs, should anything ever happen. We put in only pocket doors and gained 9sf extra in each room.

I find it to be selfish on your DH's part, not yours. It sounds like he has no concept of what it takes to keep your home in order. And "what if something happens?" Come on. That's why they made reverse mortgages and insurance policies. That's just not an excuse to me.

Also, you could start looking a bit. Take him by something you've seen that you like.

I agree with the list making. I also see you setting up more excuses not to look or push (gently) to move than you are reasons to do it.

I think piling stuff at the stairway for just one trip a day, at night, when someone who shall remain nameless can help you get it up/downstairs. I'll bet $10 both your son and DH will walk right by it.

Time to assert. Gently but firmly.

Christine

One other thing, and I know it sounds snarky, but it has been in my head since I posted. Why does HE get to decide? Being in agreement would be nice, but you aren't in agreement with him on this now, and that seems to be okay with him.

Why shouldn't you get to pick the workplace in which YOU spend most of your time, just as he chooses his workplace? You are concerned about him driving more than 7 miles to work, and yet he thinks nothing of expecting you to live and work someplace that is physically not beneficial for you or your long-term health issues.

I think this is getting a bit sexist. Men usually do not discuss women that they don't even know like this (automatically he is the selfish one), and if they did women would be all over them. We know little of the circumstances.

I guess you've never been thru a divorce, palimpset, if you really believe that.

As a bartender, I'm here to tell you you are absolutely, unequivocally, just plain wrong. I can't tell you how many discuss that "miserable b!tch" in uncertain terms.

Based upon the original post, it still sounds selfish. This lady spends far more time working in her work place than he does. He gets to drive those measley 7 miles home, where he can relax.

Christine

A lot of us got stuck in the wrong house when the economy changed. For the past twenty or thirty years, it always seemed to be no big deal to move when our needs changed.

We still live in the big barn of a house where we raised our children. The stairs to the basement where the laundry room is, are becoming more and more difficult for me. I think we should move but my husband hates the thought. He doesn't like to move and doesn't like change in general. We've reached a compromise. He now does all the laundry and carts it up and down the stairs. When he can't handle it anymore we'll move or move the laundry room.

" I can't tell you how many discuss that "miserable b!tch" in uncertain terms.

Based upon the original post, it still sounds selfish. This lady spends far more time working in her work place than he does. He gets to drive those measley 7 miles home, where he can relax."

Lets see: How many ways is this different?

1) This man is talking about his own ex-wife. Not speculating about someone else's.

2) He is talking about her to people he knows, it is not people he doesn't know talking to Him about Her.

3) He is divorced from her so has every reason in his own mind to disparage her, it's not someone he is still married to.

1) You don't know that.
2) you don't know that.
3) you don't know that.

But that's not the point of this thread.

No longer digressing, grammyalmost deserves a break & it doesn't sound like her husband is looking at the "we" of it, just his 7 miles and what if. I wish her luck in communicating frankly, about the difficulties and her plain old pain!.

Christine

You're absolutely right, Christine, this man and all men are selfish SOBs and saying so in this forum is identical to some divorced alky who bends your ear in a bar.

I have a ranch house and I love it so much. I've been where you are and I'm thankful that I have the ranch. Yes the laundry can be problematic if it's in the cellar but you can use a stackable upstairs in a closet.
As to the groceries, have them bag the perishables in smaller bags and put them separate from the rest. When you get home just take in the perishables and leave the rest for one of your two men to bring in, that's what I do.
I see both sides of the picture. I hear your wanting and I understand but I also hear his longing to stay put, nothing wrong with that either. I'd love to move again but husband doesn't and since he does most of the heavy work I'm giving him this one. It's all about give and take and nothing about male or female as referred to in this thread.
I know tons of men and they are all as different as chalk to cheese.
How about making a list of why you would profit from moving and one of how he would profit too.
Then do another with the negatives and sit down and have a nice chat. At least you'd get closer to what's really going on in the other person's mind. Good luck and good vibes.

As I said in my first reply one of the solutions should be to determine what could be done in your current house in terms of adaptation. I have been in a number of houses where a laundry area was added for convenience and minimal expense by tapping into existing plumbing. This may mean that it ends up in an unused bedroom on the other side of a bathroom wall.

This kind of adaptation would be less expensive than a full remodel and could easily be removed at the time of resale.

My mother was a 25+ year rheumatoid arthritis sufferer who was the longest surviving RA pt.-- and the longest outside a facility patient her rheumatologist had in his practice, considering her disease severity. She lived at home until a car accident in the last year of her life made this impossible and even then she tried it for a while. Over the years a number of adaptations were made to the house and by her to stay in their three story house. I am not talking about someone who had sore joints. She had bilateral knee replacement, a hip replacement, 8 finger joint replacements, toe amputation and was slated for shoulder replacement when she was in a severe car accident. She held a cup between two balled up fists the last year of her life but she managed to stay home, which is what she wanted. Any number of relatively low cost adaptations can be made to your current house, for much less than the cost of moving.

You did not say how close you are to retirement. The fact that you own your house free and clear is a real plus. What you do not want is a mortgage at retirement. We live in a one story in Texas but because we moved so many times with DL's job we never really owned our homes. Oh, and he commutes 100 miles a day! The last move will be closer to the kids but we will rent. No one wants expenses on a fixed income. I would try to adapt as others have mentioned. Make it easier on yourself.

I want to thank you all so much for all your suggestions and kind words. I think it's time to sit down with hubby for a serious discussion and drag out the good old pen and paper and make the pro and con list. Whatever we decide, there WILL be some changes made. Thanks again!!!!

There is another option. Maybe cheaper than moving if you like your house and where it is. (I remember reading about this as an up and coming business with the baby boomer aging thing.) This is the first company I came across when I googled 'residential elevators' and I am sure there are more: www.remihomeelevators.com

Pal, I think you are misunderstanding this issue. I have a friend who is also caught with the same issue.

If the husband knew the pain his wife is feeling, it might be different. But if she is avoiding the stairs so much that she piles things to carry up the stairs, she does have a problem. Not all guys are open to talking about problems and some don't even want to be reminded about aging problems. Neither do women. There comes a time that stairs are not an option and individuals have to decide when that time comes. What you see here is being repeated throughout our country as the population ages. Does it pit women against men? Sometimes. Sometimes it's the other way around.

He doesn't see himself as selfish. She stays at home and he drives 7 miles. Well, I've never had a 7 mile drive to work--that is a rare treat!

Now that I'm retired and so is my husband, we spend a lot more time together and our communication is a lot more open MOST of the time. We do accommodate each other, but that's been a pattern throughout our lives. I wish both of them well, and I hope you are feeling better, Palimpsest.

I know the dynamics of every marriage is different and maybe I'm spoiled (finally ;c) but I would certainly hope that your husband would not feel your physical needs are less important than his commuting needs.

When we lived in California, all I had to say to my DH is I really want to live closer to my daughter who lived in Michigan. Six months later we were driving a truck across country to live in Michigan. And now even though we've poured a lot of our heart and money into our home, if tomorrow I told him the stairs were a burden, we'd be moving to another house that could make my quality of life better, the only thing to give us pause would be the affordability, unfortunately we owe more on our house than it's worth. I hope when you have that heart to heart with your DH, he really hears you and will agree to the change regardless of what his needs or preferences are.