If you are on friendly terms with his BM, perhaps she could give you a list of specific stress triggers. While you all attend counseling listen carefully to what SS says are his most stressful times to the therapist. You can than discuss (when SS has left the room) ideas and suggestions that will work to get SS through these stress points.

My oldest son needed little reminders that were helpful yet nonthreatening to him. For example, yes, taking his pills. I'd just quietly without mentioning anything set his morning pill on placemat next to his glass of drink at the breakfast table. This way he was reminded, yet I didn't have to say a word. Alot of the forgeting 'out of sight, out of mind' can be assisted without putting a child (in his mind) on the spot. You might try setting the can of cat food out just before cat feeding time in plain sight to naturally be seen provoking a 'oh, yeah, kitty it's time to eat' response. You never said a word, did not verbally have to 'remind' and therefore make it feel like it was not his idea nor that he forgot to do something.

Frankly, while it took willpower, I never 'confronted' my son during the heat of the moment. It would lead to son escalating the situation. There was time to discuss it when things returned to queit and 'normal'. In otherwords, I had to train myself to know when to approach the subject and when to let the situation defuse until I could seriously have a discussion when I knew it would be most beneficial (actually get through and not seen confrontational) and I'd have his calm attention.

All kids are different and not all things work for one child with ADHD that is helpful in dealing with another child with ADHD. My son was ADD and did not have the other parts of what your SS is dealing with. Keeping that in mind, your struggles will have to perhaps be dealt in different manners than what worked for me. The important thing for me was to always remember he was not deliberately trying to ignore house rules and/or do household assignments. It was just as important for me to learn when he was deliberately slacking off. It gets easier to know the difference and I think you'll adjust and figure out when is when.

You're going through a huge adjustment in your home, just as he is going to adjustments being in your home. You can't expect it to all go perfectly and you're bound to make mistakes and have some better days than other days. It's not going to come together instantly, but you have a good attitude towards what is going on with him and that will make a huge difference in results.

I think those are wonderful suggestions and a great place to start. I would think there are going to be some adjustment pains here and there but you have been so wonderful with this child from the start I think he is best with you and your DH.

I guess also keep in mind his boy hormones are probably starting to gear up and that seems to make them more emotional. He is now at an age where learning self control and how to properly display anger and frustration without losing it are all in there too. I think from everything you have posted about him over the past few years point to him actually being quite intelligent however the ADHD/ADD factor makes the emotions and self control difficult for him. I assume he must have some abandonment issues and difficulty trusting fully-maybe a fear deep inside that you may not want him all the time as well? Might have to go back to scratch with gentle reminders of you being in it for the long haul with him. He really does sound like a sweet boy that very much cares what you feel about him.

I have to say, from the beginning I have been so impressed with your caring and thoughfulness with which you have helped raise this child and helped him over come so many difficulties. I have always thought sooner or later he would be with you and your husband full time.

You my dear Ceph deserve a gold star and a big cookie, as your love for this boy shines through!
~Cat

The cat should not suffer you feed the cat as you said thats a living thing that must eat. You now how you feel when your really hungry....Make sure the cat eats!!!!!!

Maybe he needs different chores than he had at BM's house - something that's not so important (in the grand scheme of things) if it doesn't get done every time.

Maybe he needs a chart that he can check off as things are done.

Feeding the cats isn't a usual chore for him. I was in a bit of a hurry to get out the door and asked him to feed the cats. He said he would, but got distracted and didn't.
It's OK that he got distracted, but because it was the cats' food it was, it's a big deal.
DH and I decided that we'll make sure not to have him feed the cats for awhile. We know now that this is a hot button and it's better to just avoid the potential.

In hindsight, I also see that I should have picked something else to get him to do, something that wouldn't be a big deal if he forgot.

JMT, we find the silent or short-and-sweet reminders effective too. "Pills please" works really well.
I also try to phrase reminders so his response can be in the positive format - so if I say, "Please take your pills if you haven't done it yet," then he can reply "OK." But if I say "Did you take your pills?" then he has to say "No."
Reminders well ahead of time are also effective with him (oddly enough). If we say "Please remember your evening pills," at suppertime, then he is likely to respond well and to do it. If we say it at pill time, he is more likely to stall, deflect, or otherwise react poorly.

We're definitely still feeling out what's ADD/etc and what's deliberately slacking off. It can be hard to see the difference.

Great suggestions so far --

I'd just like to add something that has been very successful for us, and that is for me to make a simple statement of fact that leads the kid to his own self-directed action rather than issue a request or reminder. Examples: "There's a dirty plate on the counter" or "The cat looks hungry" The kid knows what to do, but is not being reprimanded, reminded (directly) or directed.

Your point about self-calming, self-control and managing his emotions is also a very important one. Those skills are vital for him to learn, and you'll probably need to teach him those directly and intentionally versus waiting for him to 'get' them.

I suspect you're very calm, but is there something that's a hot button for you? Maybe you could stage a little example for him, where Hubby intentionally presses your hot button, then you begin to react (so A can see you are upset), then you visibly self-calm -- maybe some deep cleansing breaths? While you are calming yourself down, narrate for A what you are doing and why ("I get so mad when Dad does this! But I need to calm down first so I don't yell at Dad.")

Then have a general theoretical conversation with A about self-calming and managing your emotions and how that makes things better for everyone. Acknowledge that everyone has hot buttons, and ask if he knows what some of his are...

(I also like the suggestion to call Mom -- She'll know what they are.)