those are some very interesting thoughts!

I think you're right, that the way we think objects changes as we mature.

And I like that idea that only YOU can have the relationship; the stuff has no relationship. I know my kids tend to personify object and they feel bad about getting rid of something; they feel like they're rejecting it. I sometimes feel that way a little--but the platter really has no feelings.

(and I maintain that if I'm the one to bring the object in, and to do the care-taking of it, I get to decide about whether it goes out, and I simply do not mention it. Send that kind of stuff out one item at a time, and he'll never notice. Hell, tell him it broke.)

What an eloquent discussion! It is really empowering to learn about the relationships we develop with objects, and why we hang onto some things - especially those which don't always have a use, or worse, cause us some kind of negative reaction. There is so much I could say, but I will give you my thoughts on one specific point you brought up - that you are dismayed by his lack of understanding of the concept. I think in his way he has developed his own relationship with the object(s), or maybe what they represent in the home. So perhaps he just relates in a different way than you.

Well, he has his own room full of stuff that he values. But, most of anything that has to do with the household, he has no awareness or acknowledgment of. He does not care to and he does not have to. Even in the garage it is I who arranges and keeps the garage. He has no idea where anything is and he cares not. He never has. At least, not until it is loaded up in the back of the truck.

Sometimes he will declare how much he loves our home and how he appreciates that it is not dirty and cluttered as some we know. Then, other times, when he is angry about something else, he accuses me of unthinkingly getting rid of everything with abandonment. as if it is some character fault of mine and some act of vengeance against him.

I do encourage, nag, cajole, and demand that he edit the things in his room.If that causes resentment, so be it. If it were not for the fact that I go in once in a while and clean, it would NEVER get cleaned at all. Dust would be inches thick and there would be food crumbs everywhere. The last remaining piece of nasty carpet is in there and it never gets vacuumed because we no longer own a vacuum that will handle carpet. So, it is not a nice place to be. He would have books and old magazines stacked in piles in the corners and all of the things that need to be filed in the file drawer or trashed would be one big pile o' mess! It looks like a room of a sloppy teen.

He will pass by something that is needing attention for days,or months and never feel a need to address it. As I sit here, I hear the toilet running upstairs because he is resistant to fixing the multitude of little repairs that need to be done, So, it leaks and fills and is hard to flush and the seat is falling off. If I don't build a fire under his butt, he would never address anything.

It is I who does almost all of the keeping and the maintenance in our house. So, it is I who gets make most of the decisions about it, even if it is behind a closed door. Not everything in there is his. Some belongs to both of us, such as the filing cabinet and photo albums.

His relationship to objects is totally suspect and questionable and he makes no distinction between a pile of trash and a sentimental object from his father. They are both likely to set on a shelf or buried in a pile of trash with no distinction between the two.. As long as I am the keeper I will define the relationships. I will put away the momento from his father and get rid of that pile of free address labels and holiday cards that he keeps piling up. Clearing away the trash helps us to put into focus those things that are deserving of value.

I realize that some will find fault with me for not acknowledging that his relationship to stuff may be defined differently than mine. But, until he begins to become more proactive and to do some of the keeping, care and sorting of objects and spaces, I will be the one in charge calling the shots and assigning the value.

DallasAnnie: Fascinating ideas, any updates?

Following

For example, a pretty flat basket and a beautiful large, white ceramic platter that I bought from yard sales to use for a wedding about six years ago.

Thoughts:

- We bring items into our house for specific purposes -- in this case, a single event -- and we never really have an "exit strategy" for these things. Maybe it would've been wise to think of these things as temporary items. (I'm not pretending I have a handle on this topic ... just throwing out an idea.)

- If you're in doubt, consider putting away the item in question away in a box dated one year from today. In a year, if you haven't wanted those items, the box goes to Goodwill without being opened.

- Be practical: If you give these things away, then you want them later, how hard would it be to re-purchase or borrow similar items? Even rent? My guess is, it'd be easy.

So, as an example, I pointed to the aforementioned object sitting there and declare that it is probably ready to leave our house. He protests.

Is it his basket? his platter? Does he even notice these things? Don't include him in the discussion of YOUR STUFF that's going out the door. I strongly suspect he wouldn't notice.

My relationship to this object is one where I am simply a keeper of it. It serves only to make work for me to store it and keep it from getting dirty. That is about to change.

Who owns whom? Be the boss of the basket. And the platter.

He was the provider as we raised our family, and I was the home maker. He retired, but there is no time frame for me to claim retirement.

You seem upset about this. This is a related-but-separate topic.

Has he been retired long? It sounds like you two are having some trouble with the transition ... 'cause down deep, it's never about the stuff.

And, I am reluctant to pass it down to live in my daughter's house. I am afraid that she and her husband are much to willing to let stuff build up to an unmanageable degree. I think twice before I hand anything down to her.

Offer, making it clear that "No thank you" is a perfectly acceptable offer. My daughter is -- as you said, is less willing to let stuff build up -- but just today I asked her if she wanted a set of plates that had belonged to my grandmother, and she was thrilled. Said she'd come pick them up this weekend. Ask.

I do encourage, nag, cajole, and demand that he edit the things in his room. If that causes resentment, so be it. If it were not for the fact that I go in once in a while and clean, it would NEVER get cleaned at all.

You say these things he values are in "his room". Put him in charge of it, and if it doesn't get cleaned, who cares? It's "his room".

I don't know if you'd noticed, Mrs. Pete, but this thread is about 3 years old. :-) And the OP didn't come back the last time it was bumped in February.

I will say that it sounds like the OP has a larger issue with her relationship with her husband than her relationship with stuff - which seems pretty healthy.

This thread got bumped by a spammer, twice, even.

Oh, I did not know that I got "bumped" by a spammer, much less twice.

Holly, thank you for your analysis of my marriage. It is quite fine, thank you. We have been together for 50 years and will be until death we do part. Hopefully, though , along the short way that we have left to travel we can unload the extra burden of things that we do not need so that our kids don't have to.

Yes, some time has passed and I am still divorcing myself from things that are not needed and I have "retired" from many things.

His room o' stuff is still a nasty mess and I am still working on getting it cleared. He still never provides care or cleaning of anything. But, the things requiring care and cleaning are going away from other areas.

I don't come here very often anymore.

Dallasannie:

You are not alone. My husband has fought me on everything I have tried to re-home, donate, etc. He even goes through the trash when he suspects I may have thrown something of his away...he has issues letting go of things. Crazy things. A shoe box, a broken hammer, etc. I found things in the garage that he had told me a while ago he had taken to the dump...but he had not.

I have spent the last 9 months going through our house one drawer, cupboard at a time. Organizing because after all of these years I want my home to be easy. I know where everything is. His stuff is...not organized.

I love my husband but I hate his stuff. There, I said it. My marriage is fine. I just hate his “junk.”