A couple from Jeff Foxworthy:

- Babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt

- The diaper package said 8-12 pounds, and they're right - that's all it would hold!

A couple from Louis Grizzard (although I love Jeff Foxworthy too):

- I don’t think I’ll get married again. Every five years or so, I’ll just find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.

- In the south there’s a difference between ‘Naked’ and ‘Nekkid.’ ‘Naked’ means you don’t have any clothes on. ‘Nekkid’ means you don’t have any clothes on … and you’re up to somethin’.

- It’s difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts while eating a homegrown tomato.

• Have you noticed that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
• What was the best thing before sliced bread?
• Whose cruel idea was it to be put an 's' in the word 'lisp'?

-- George Carlin

Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges to keep the crazies from following you.

I am always disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually catch fire.

What doesn't kill you gives you a set of unhealthy coping mechanisms and a dark sense of humor.

Not my monkeys, not my circus. MY monkeys fly......

Why do you drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

Why are they called buildings? Shouldn't they be "builts"?

Gallagher

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day.

RIP Mitch Hedberg

My MIL had a pain under her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

--Phyllis Diller

"It's better then it was!"

--my husband and I after most every DYI project.

Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.

Erma Bombeck

"Some days you're the dog...some days you're the hydrant."

You can't unring a bell.

The horse is already out of the barn.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Everyone my age is older than me.

Friend of mine has this bumper sticker on her car:

Inside every old person is a young person wondering, "What the heck happened!"

"I never thought old age would happen so soon."

-my sister

How many times have you picked something up and thrown it back down on the rug to give the vacuum cleaner a second chance?.......David Brenner

Lots of great chuckles here with morning coffee - thanks!

Love Mitch Hedberg - gone too soon!

"It's the fine balance of caffeine and alcohol that bookends my days." Tim Minchin

I bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said, "Thanks."

I said, "Don't mention it."

Graywings - hilarious!

Reported to be the last words of Oscar Wilde: "Either this wallpaper goes, or I do!"