Thank you so much to everyone for sharing their stories. Virtual hugs to all.

I was thinking of this thread as I visited my 95 year old grandmother in hospital today. She had a heart attack last week and seems much diminished. Her only goal is to return home to her asssited living apartment and she is refusing heart surgery. I'm glad she can advocate for her health needs although it's tough to know there is perhaps more we could do. Her daughter and my dad (stepson) may clash a little over her future care. It's complicated as many family matters can be.

My parents are both 92, (I am 59) Until Dec they were still in my childhood home with Dad (with physical issues) wanting to make a move and my Mom (starting some mental issues) adamant about staying in their home. Then began 8 mos of hospital stays, rehab stays, bouncing around for both. Finally got them in an assisted living facility. Well after Mom's latest hospital visit she couldn't go back there and had to move to a different place that had skilled nursing. And now hospice is getting involved. She is sad and doesn't understand why she is not with her husband of 65 years, and it is very hard to get him over there to visit. I wish they had both moved to this place she is at, as they have Independent, Assisted and Skilled Nursing all in one place. So if one ends up in skilled nursing , they are still on the same property. Something to consider when looking at places, many have everything but skilled nursing, including Memory Care, but if you have a physical setback you have to go to rehab (and kind of take whatever is available) This is the hardest thing my (large) family has ever been through. And siblings who have never had issues have had all kinds of problems even though my parents are prepared very well and my Dad is still making clear headed decisions. We are not our best selves when we are under this great stress I guess. While so thankful that I have my parents all these years, I will never be prepared to lose them. I realize they will probably both be gone within a short time of each other. It will be devastating.

At 70 with a 77 year old husband, I am older than most of you, with children around your ages. My mom died last night at age 94. I am not ready. One is not ever ready. Today, I am a motherless child.

My deepest condolences, sheesh. It is a terrible loss when a mother dies. I knew it would hurt, but I had no idea of the many different kinds of loss wrapped up in one.

Sheesh, I am sorry for your loss. I agree that one is never ready. Allow yourself to cry. May your memories of good times comfort you. And that she is with you in spirit.

Welp, my mom will be 100 in a few weeks and I'm still doing the lalalala thing. She is still mostly independent, though we check on her every day. She feels safest in her own(enormous) home and I don't see any reason to move her. She is ready to throw the "off" switch but we have no choice in those things.

All her affairs are in order. It's hard for me because I'm not so young either, but we will muddle through .

Sheesh - you are in my heart.

Sheesh, I am sorry for your loss.

Wow, ded, 100! I have HS friends whose mothers are still alive at 94 and 95.

This week marks 24 years my father is gone. He had a heart attack at 70, was in and out of the hospital a few more weeks awaiting heart bypass surgery, and had another heart attack at the hospital and that was it. My mother lived to be 85 and is gone 9 years. She had lung cancer and was gone within two months with a very swift decline. She quit smoking at 75 and had 10 more good years until the end. So both of these were fairly unexpected. My mother didn't hear too well but she was fully cognitive until the final couple of days. So, they're both gone, and I have made my peace with it. My mother would have had quite the time with the 2016 election. She had a will, and her funeral was prepaid.

MIL is only 69 and just retired in June (DH is younger so MIL is the same age as my oldest brother), but she and DH's extended family are dealing with Grandma's decline. Grandma is frail, and she is having more memory problems. :( She has an aide come in to help out, but she may be going towards more care than that.

Keeping you in my prayers, (((Sheesh))). I am so sorry!

Oh, Sheesh. I'm sorry.

Sheesh, I'm so sorry.

amazing the places we go for comfort (like GW)

My parents are in their 90s. Mom finally got a caregiver after a fall, and with her Parkinson's-related dementia we have relied on my dad. Well, this week he is in an ICU. He will, we are very hopeful, come home so he can organize moms meds again and be her -- our -- rock. Here mom has always been ready to go (kind of like Sanford and "I'm com in', Elizabeth!) and we were totally unprepared for dad to be at risk.

wake-up call.

Oh sheesh, I am so sorry. Hugs to you.

Thank you, everyone, for your kind words. I guess I fell asleep a while ago. It was very nice to wake up to your kind responses. Thank you.

I'm so sorry Sheesh. You are so right - you are never ready.

I am very sorry Sheesh. It is never easy and the pain is intense. There really is no way to be ready, ever. Sending thoughts and prayers and a cyber hug.

When my mother died it was after a 6 year battle with cancer, so I was somewhat prepared. However, when I gave her the bedtime dose of morphine and came back at 2 a.m. to give her another dose she was gone. I never expected it to be so fast. It was her first full day in the Hospice hospital bed at their home. I cried for hours by her side until my dad woke up. Then I had to tell him. To say it was gut-wrenching is an understatement. I was not ready to say goodbye and I miss her every_single_day.

When my dad died 9 years later, he too was on Hospice but I was staying at his assisted living apartment and administering the morphine and other drugs. I was at his side holding his hand when he took his last breath. It was peaceful. It was a relief to know his suffering was over. I felt a sense of calm but yet still deep deep grief. My husband was sleeping in the other room and I called him in. We hugged and cried together. It was such a relief to have my DH there with me. I had such a close relationship with my dad in the 9 years after my mom's death. Not a day goes by that I don't want to call him, or drop in for a visit.

My parents were planners: wills, trusts, pre-paid funerals, burial plot bought, headstone bought, urns picked out and prepaid. That was something they did to ensure that they would leave no unanswered questions about what they wanted. It was the greatest gift a parent could leave for us. I hope to do the same for our children, in fact we are talking about it.

My mother always told me that once she was buried she wanted us to go out for a nice dinner to celebrate her life, which is what we did. We did the same after Dad's memorial service. They were adamant about that!

My MIL is a widow, 87 still living in her own home. My husband's family has to have her update her will (my BIL died last month. So sad.) There is incredible inertia in his family and I am staying out of it!

To answer your question: get things in order. Living in lalaland, while easy, will make it more complicated when the time comes.

Sheesh, I am so very sorry for your loss! Yes, the motherless child thing, I get that. Even if your mom is ancient and you are old, and even if you both know you are adults and treat each other as such, your mom is the one who knows the child in you better than anyone. When you lose your mom, you lose your childhood self. And more and more as time goes on and the old ones die and then your friends who knew you when you were young. So you grieve the loss of the loved one, but also the loss of a part of yourself. I'm tearing up just thinking about it.

Note: this part below is for the others. Top part for Sheesh, but right now you just need hugs and as much comfort as you can get. Virtual hug!

I will add for the rest of the folks on this thread, as I was going to add at the beginning when I first read this thread, that not preparing at least somewhat is not a good idea. I was prepared for my mom to die, not that I was expecting it or waiting for it, but I knew it could happen at any time due to her age, (87) and I had thought about it and thought about what I would need to do. My father, for whatever reason, had never considered that my mom would die before him, even though she was four years older. He is inconsolable still three years later. He can't hardly function any more. This is because he was in la la land and self-absorbed and took my mother for granted. Then one day he had lunch with her, went off to run some afternoon errands, and later came home to find her half dead from a fall that had occurred while she had been unloading groceries. She died that night from a brain hemorrhage due to the fall. He doesn't get a do-over. This is a cautionary tale. Show your love to those around you as much as you can, all the time. If you know your folks are getting on in years and could die at any time, visit them sooner rather than later, take the time, make the call, eat the cake. Same goes if you are the oldster and could die at any time. Try to make the most of the moments you have left, enjoy what you can! And for the rest of us, we're all going to suffer through this, and the only thing I can do about it is try and not add to the suffering in the world that is going on, and work to heal what I might possibly affect. My dad will never get over losing my mom because he is not able to do that. All he can do is obsess about what he lost and can't get back.

Beautifully said, Pink! Thank you!

My dad died at 55. We had about 4 months notice, but he still went quickly. He never got to see grandkids. I was only 25 and it seems a whole other life ago. My mom is now 96 and in her own house across the street and down 2 houses. It's what keeps her out of an assisted facility. I have thought about her dying since she was about 80. Paperwork, funeral arrangements, who gets what, can all be worked out in your mind, but I don't think I will be emotionally prepared. My hope is that she can just go in her sleep or a short hospital stay. It would make it easier. But nothing can prepare you emotionally for missing them, and not being able to pick up the phone.

Bonnie_ann, your parents' planning is indeed a gift to you. Re your inlaws, I'm afraid that rather describes my brother and me. My dad is pretty much of a planner, but not good at sharing information. I'm going to go ahead and open the envelope he gave me for "the emergency", just in case. I'm very glad that just last week he made me a cosigner on his checking account; the bill for the caregiver came today.

It is nice that you have an independent 96 year old mother. What a blessing!

May you enjoy her for many more years right across the street!

I have to respectfully disagree with ladypat that, "paperwork, funeral arrangements, who gets what, can all be worked out in your mind." Unless you have an exceptional family and know exactly what your mother's wishes are.

I actually had a dream about this thread last night, more of a nightmare! As for preparation for the inevitable, I have something I call the Death File and told my son about it. It lists my assets, has my will, a lot of my internet passwords, name of my lawyer and my financial advisor, burial instructions, etc.

Pink, that is so true. My parents always assumed because my mother was a long-time smoker, that she would die first. They even talked about women they knew he might date after she was gone.

Also, thinking about relatives, my siblings and I have ONE aunt left, that's all. All our other aunts and uncles are gone, too. Our grandparents have been deceased a very long time. My last grandmother died when I was 12.

Sheesh, I am so very sorry for the loss of your mom. Sending thoughts of comfort and peace to you.

Sheesh, I am so sorry for your loss. I agree -- there is no way to be fully prepared. I had more than 11 years from my mom's Alzheimer's diagnosis to prepare. I don't know that I was prepared as much as I felt like I lost her again. For years, I valued the time I had with my mom, but I ached for one more time to be able to talk with her in a two-way conversation. I still do. My dad passed a day shy of 5 months later (he was in the hospital , and even though I had been watching him decline for a long time, I didn't really know what was happening until the end -- and I wasn't prepared. I think I was prepared for dealing with their final affairs, but not for being without them.

As to the OP, I was never in lala land with regard to my parents. That's just not my way, I am the middle child, but I think we all knew I would be the one to take care of them and of things. And I needed to be prepared -- I remember more than 6 months later -- after my youngest had gone off to college, feeling one morning like clouds parted and the sun was suddenly brighter --and realizing I hadn't felt that way for a very long time. I had handled everything, taken care of everyone -- of "things", and given great thought and planning into how I executed my responsibilities, but I hadn't realized that a degree of numbness hung over me. Had I not felt prepared, I don't know what or how I would have gotten through it.

Sheesh I am so sorry for your loss.

Sheesh, you have my deepest sympathies.

Next week will mark the first anniversary of my mother's death and I can hardly believe it. Still pretty raw and painful. My mother's journey with Alzheimer's disease lasted about 7 years and the last year and a half she was bedridden and non-verbal. I was still unprepared.

What surprised me the most was how fast the memories of her last years faded and were replaced by the memories of her as the vibrant woman I knew and loved so long. And how that made me miss her all the more.

Unfortunately, I don't think there is any way to prepare for this. The best we can do is to make the most of the time we have.

I have an OT question for all those who have experienced the grief of losing their mothers, if you don't mind.

It's been a little over a year and a half since my mother died. Her death was a shock. She had survived a bout with cancer and then it came back and took her almost immediately. My mother and I were extremely close. My question for everyone who says, 'I miss her every single day.' Does the grieving also go on every single day? I am still grieving and part of me is always picking at the scab over my grief, making sure the wound stays fresh because I am terrified of forgetting anything about her. I want to stop grieving, but I don't. I've grieved my grandfather and grandmother, but those were different, because I had my mother. It makes such a huge difference. And I am an only child, so I wonder if not having a sibling to share the pain with makes a difference.

ETA And I am not one who gets communication from beyond. I wish I were and it gives me great comfort that there are those who do.

Rita, I didn't have the same kind of relationship with my mom that you did. I was also an only child, which felt like a terrible burden to me at the end of my mom's life...she was a life long smoker and died a slow painful death from copd. I was furious with her for not having given up cigarettes and also for leaving her lifetime city/home in order to be physically closer to me. Which meant that there were none of her friends or family to take any part of the pressure off of me to provide EVERYTHING for her. No one else to visit her in the NH, or take her desperate calls because she couldn't breathe. I was also in a place in my life where I really needed to focus on some things regarding me and my own life, so I resented her terribly at that time. She'd been very selfish when raising me (although I know she loved me immensely), so my heart felt hard regarding her in some ways. She'd had a hard life in some ways, some of it her own doing.

So, that said, I think being an only child is a unique experience when you lose your parents. Not only is there no one to share the grief (or in my case to share the rage), but you also are left truly alone in the world. Maybe picking at that scab is to keep your mom close, so that you don't feel that aloneness. For some reason, our children, if we have them, don't provide the same cushion against being alone - they have their own lives and experiences and if we have a healthy relationship with them, we don't want to burden them with our own "needs".

So I think part of the grief that continues for us onlies is that sense of no one being there for us in the way that our parents and our original families "should" be. It's hard. I hope you find peace about losing your mom.

Rita, Everyone grieves differently and it takes longer to go from grieving to just missing than most people can imagine. It may be that you are still processing it, or it took you longer to do so, since it was so sudden. You can't start grieving until you accept the reality. Journaling may help. Write, draw, express it somehow. And preserve and honor her memory in any way you can. I wish you comfort and relief.

Oly, thank you for your very thoughtful comments. I am so sorry for everything you went through with your mother. No matter how fraught a mother-daughter relationship can be, it is still a very close one, making the difficult times even harder.

I think you are absolutely right, I do equate the pain of her loss with having her near me in a (twisted) way. I have a wonderful family. Four sons, and a great husband, but those are entirely different relationships. There is a very special comfort that comes from a good mother-daughter bond. I remember when my husband and I were first married and he would hear me on the telephone with my mother, he would remark (nicely) how on earth two people could spend so much time on the telephone saying what amounted to nothing to him.

And yes, there is a particular kind of sting being an only child. Growing up I hardly felt the downside of being an only. Once I had children I saw immediately all that could be from a larger family, not just in childhood, but in adulthood too.

Andrea, thank you for reminding me to journal. I have actually consciously avoided keeping a diary since all of this happened. Reading your words reminds me how how very wrong that has been. Keeping a journal has always been good for me and this bout of avoidance has been head in the sand avoidance- not too bright on my part.

Thank you, both very much for your help. I am most grateful.

I think for many (most?) people who are dealing with caretaking for aging parents the most common and difficult option is what I call the long goodbye; trying to manage people who are physically and/or mentally no longer capable of doing it for themselves but who adamantly refuse to acknowledge and accept that.

It's where we are and have been with my MIL. She is 93 and just finished her 2nd year in assisted living, where she will be for the rest of her life. She has dementia but also has a tremendously stubborn and defiant personality. She insisted on staying in her home far longer than she should have in conditions that were not safe for her, requiring more and more intense involvement by all four of her sons/daughters in law. Finally after her 3rd hip fracture(!) the family was told that in our state if she showed up again in an ER the doctors would be legally obligated to report us to the state elder abuse hotline. That was when we had to make what l call the wrenching choice: she can be happy or she can be safe.

We chose safe and took her from her rehab directly to the ALF. She has made it awful for my poor husband who religiously goes to see her twice weekly. She cries, she rails at him ('I hope someday someone does this to you' 'What did I do to deserve being put in prison' etc). She makes it clear that in her mind she is perfectly capable of going home tomorrow to her own home although she can barely walk, cannot process mentally well enough any more to cook or clean herself and can't retain a thought for, literally, more than 30 seconds

It is an awful life from her perspective but it is a necessary end that she brought on herself to a large degree. And of course she is in far better physical condition than before the ALF now that she is being taken care of physically and has a routine and some socializing company.

And thank goodness that, at my urging, her sons got her to a good estate lawyer about six months before the last fall and she had enough wherewithal to agree with setting up trust accounts, will, health care proxy etc. So when the time came her boys were able to do what needed to be done to keep her safe.

However I have seen many situations, and read about a few in this discussion, in which elderly parents adamantly refuse to admit they need help, or cannot live on their own or manage their money. It's understandable but as my stepmother who was an occupational therapist specializing in geriatrics used to say ,when someone's actions and decisions impinge on other people's ability to live their own lives, that is the dividing line between support and enabling.

So for those of us middle aged-and aging ourselves-people, especially women, giving up careers and often our own mental and physical health trying to do this caretaking I have a word of advice: do what you can do including getting the legal framework set up, and then accept that you cannot and should not destroy your own life to try to keep an elderly parent living in a fantasy world of independence. It sounds harsh but the reality is all the sacrifice in the world will never restore them to their prime years; there is only one outcome and placing your own life at risk in the service of an impossible goal is no good solution for them or you.

Sheesh, I'm sad for you as well.

I agree, it's easier when everything has been arranged in advance and people can focus on their feelings and not legal stuff.

I don't think they leave us. I think they are near and have an interest in our lives. It's living in a body that's hardest and after that joy and love forever and the irritations of life are gone. We hurt watching them age and suffer but I think they feel for us too watching us do the same.

Running, I read every word of your comment and they are wise words indeed. I have to say I recognize some of myself when you (your stepmom) say "when someone's actions and decisions impinge on other people's ability to live their own lives, that is the dividing line between support and enabling." Although my mom is surprisingly independent for nearly 100, she does require constant checking on and severely limits my ability to go where I want when I want.

I wish so much that she had downsized when she was younger and had moved to a retirement community when she could have enjoyed it. Once she goes, I will be faced with clearing out her lifetime accumulation and selling a very large property. I'm sure all of that will take a year out of my life.

One good thing that has come out of this is that know I will never put my sons in this position and will get myself into a retirement community when the time is right. I am already clearing out my extraneous junk so they won't have to deal with it.

lots of wisdom in this thread!

Thank you all for your kindness, words of wisdom and support. I have read all of your responses and appreciate them, but I haven't got it in me right now to reply individually. I know you understand.

I read this thread every day since I posted, and always felt better for having done it. Thank you so very much.

I do want you to know that Saturday's service was actually joyful, odd as that may seem. Two weeks earlier my huge family had gathered for my daughter's wedding. As we gathered again for Mom's funeral, we had wedding pictures to share, anecdotes about the wedding as well as Mom's life. That was an enormous help to all of us. It was nice.

Once again, a truly heartfelt thank you to all of you.

~Sheesh

Sheesh, it doesn't sound odd at all that Saturday's service was joyful. Often they are thought of as a celebration of life. That, coupled with the joy of your daughter's recent wedding provides all with an opportunity for reflection and sharing. I'm sending deep condolences to you. You probably haven't had time to crash yet, with so much activity. Now that it's quieter allow yourself to grieve. Thinking of you at this difficult time.

Runninginplace, your post had my head nodding like a bobblehead doll. Maybe it was something about their generation, but my mother and later my MIL were just beyond difficult about making rational decisions about aging. Change of any kind was agony to them. I so hope that I am not like that in my later years.

I have sisters, 7 & 9 years older than me who are facing these decisions & it is proving difficult for them. I hope I am watching & learning. Sheesh, I send you good thoughts & tell you this process takes time. You had your Mom in your life for many many years & that is different than my experience as my mother passed away when she was 54 & I was 24. She'd been so sick with a rare type of Lymphoma for about 6 years, that her passing was a blessing for her, but that grief would hit me at unexpected times. Take care.....

Running and others in this situation, I wish there had been more resources 17 years ago. Luckily I dealt with the legal stuff, and my Mom was angry and nasty at times. She agreed to let me take care of everything then changed her 'mind' which was not competent by then. I let her receive mail and lose it for too long, and had to pay fees for that, then changed her address to mine.

Taking care of mom put a strain on my life and marriage but I wanted to give her the best life possible, as she tried to do for me long ago. I moved her so many times and hired so many people-incompetent-then moved her again and the broken bones in the nursing home! Tried to sue. Did not work. Well I know I did everything possible to make her happy, and prolong her enjoyment of life. And I do not regret it. But this situation is more common than it was back then and more publicized. I wish I had had the support and help available back then. I went to a support group once: "Take care of the care giver" What a joke.

I tried to talk to people about practical matters but it was not part of the program. No one wanted to talk to me about the ugly details. But you are right: the long goodbye is the worst kind of goodbye. I appreciate what the OT says (I used to be an OTA) but sometimes one has to do what they can, as they did for us, no matter what the cost.

"Once she goes, I will be faced with clearing out her lifetime accumulation and selling a very large property. I'm sure all of that will take a year out of my life."

My MIL wrote notes everywhere in the house; she imbued objects that had no sentimental attachment for anyone else, and even sometimes no sentimental attachment for her, into meaningful objects. Example-we found a pocket dictionary with a note stating she had bought it at a rummage sale because 'no one should discard a dictionary, words are important.' She had saved a broken pressure cooker because it belonged to the (deceased) mother of a (deceased) friend; the friend had thrown it away and she 'rescued' it. Her sons' baby teeth--all of them. Her sons' hair from not just first haircuts but every haircut of both kids before they started kindergarten. Her rough draft papers from her college freshman composition classes in 1944. 49 cool whip containers and 58 lids; I counted just because I was astounded to open THAT drawer.

Anyway, I'll never forget the note we found that encapsulates her attitude. It read in its entirety: "I ask only one thing. Keep everything." I tell people about this and anyone with an elderly packrat parent smiles or laughs, because we ALL know what it's like trying to clear a house full of everything!

"Once she goes, I will be faced with clearing out her lifetime
accumulation and selling a very large property. I'm sure all of that
will take a year out of my life."

There is something to be said for turning this over to someone who is detached from the situation. As my MIL reaching the end, I imagined we would be going through her house full of collections of, well, everything - sorting, making decisions and moving everything out before selling the house. My ex-husband opted to hire a service to handle the contents of the house. I now realize that was a good decision. We were psychologically exhausted from caring for her in home hospice, and not in good physical and emotional condition to have done it ourselves. In the end, it is just "stuff."

Running, it sounds like your father is living in their home, with your mother in the ALF Memory Care? Would you father consider moving to an apartment in the same senior living community?

My mother is experiencing some dementia as well as mobility issues, they have had a caregiver for 2 years now. My dad is currently in the hospital and will likely go to a rehab facility after, which means he'd be gone for at least a month (and the caregiver will now be extended to hm as well, and he will hate having to pay the surcharge lol).

It's not easy getting mom out to visit him. I am wondering if it would be helpful for dad to be in a facility that also offers respite care so my mom could be nearby for a week, and we could uses the time to make their bathroom more handicap-accessible. Although, it would be great if they decided they liked it there enough that they want to stay in AL, but they have such nice views at their home--field, water, deer and wildfowl--they just love the peacefulness.

dedtired, my dad went through all this with his own mother who saved everything and wouldn't leave her home, so had a caregiver. It took 3 years for the house to sell after they emptied it. Now he's putting my siblings and me in the same position, darn it.

Bp, no my FIL died almost 20 years ago--if there's a good death I think he had it: was on the first day of a trip to one of his favorite places in the world (Shenandoah mountains) with his wife and family, had a wonderful cookout with them then went up to the lodge, sat down in front of a vista window looking at the scenery and while dozing had a massive heart attack. Luckily my inlaws had moved 2 blocks away from us years earlier so my MIL was able to live on her own sorta/kinda, long past the point at which her dementia was debilitating.

BP, I wrote my response in a hurry and forgot to add-although our situation isn't quite what you mentioned thank you for the thoughtful and caring ideas you shared.

I think hiring someone can be a good idea except that sometimes valuables are put in hiding places. When it was time to clear out the home of DH's aunt, they found quite an amount of cash as well as jewelry in odd places.

Fortunately my mom and I went over the list of what's hidden where long ago. I may have to resort to using a clean out service but I am so familiar with the house and what's in it that I can go through first and put all that aside. The property is very desireable, so it should sell . I just hope I can sell it for what it is worth. I already have my ear to the ground to find the best and trustworthy realtors.

Running, for me, having a parent with Alzheimer's and another who was deathly afraid and physically incapable of admitting any degree of decline definitely made things more difficult. We all saw the decline and it caused me to worry about him and both of them so much more. That was the hardest part for me -- while they were living.

Another thing that made matters more difficult than they needed to be were my dad's unspoken fears. At one point, he said he was going to get someone to come and appraise everything and sell it off before he could move into a senior living apt. We didn't understand why -- if he thought he would run out of money? Didn't want us to have anything from our childhood? I later learned (as we were helping him sell the house and go through things) that he was afraid the kids would fight over things and have hard feelings or split the family up because he had seen it when he was growing up. We had no fights.

Sheesh, it is not at all off to hear that a memorial service was joyful. There was joy and much love in the services and memories we shared for both my mom and dad. The joy is a reflection of great love. Embrace it.

When I was in my twenties, I thought that I had until my fifties before I would lose my parents. They would theoretically be in their 80's then. They were 30 years older than me.

However, when I was 33, my mother became sick. It took 2 years to diagnose her, PSP- progressive supranuclear palsy ( Dudley Moore died from this) and another year before she died. In the interim, Dad had severe prostate cancer/surgery that left him childlike. He had previously had 2 hernias from lifting Mom after she fell. Not obese, she was just a little chubby and he was 6' 2" and average build.

At 36, immediately after Mom's funeral and a year of family turmoil, I took my Dad home with me to the house we had built to accommodate both of them. Although mom never saw the house. Dad lived with me in a very nice apartment area until he died in 2016.

He gave up driving when he moved in and was always at the place of assisted living care until he became full time nursing care. I loved him very much - he was a great father- and am glad I could be with him until he died at home. Our lives were entwined and although we had separate living quarters, it was negligible.

I have never thought about the difficulties, because so many people I know have it so much worse. Children with great handicaps that have changed their lives, for instance.

Not a breeze, both of their deaths almost crushed me. I did have the long goodbye and that helped.

Bumblebee, that was a beautiful read.