When we bought this house, we had to compromise. We had sold our house and had a very short timeline for getting out. (We had to put our belongings in storage and live in a hotel for a month! But that's another story.)

We identified a very specific neighborhood where we wanted to buy. There were three homes for sale. We looked at all three and couldn't agree on one.

So we labeled the houses #A, #B, and #C. DH and I secretly ranked them as to our favorite, second favorite and least favorite. My rankings were #C, #B, and #A. DH's rankings were #A, #B, and #C. We bought #B, because it was the middle choice for both of us.

Daughter and family moved from tiny city lot to Texas where prices are lower and yards can be acres. They rented a year while they looked for a house in a small, recently developed suburb that they had selected. In the meantime, they got involved with the kids in school. They met other couples who had had the same desire as theirs--a little space from neighbors on an acre or three lot. Every one of them now regretted buying the larger lots because of the work and expense of the upkeep. So they considered less than an acre homes and found a house they liked on 1/3 of an acre abutting a small lake and bought it. They have the space they wanted without the cost and upkeep.

If you want at thicket of trees you need a larger lot so your husband is on the same page as you are. For an example here depending on where you live trees are not supposed to be planted within ten feet of a fence. Depending on if there are utility lines they need to be planted even further away. To do that on a small lot it impossible.

DH and I went through similar situation with land. I wanted at least 2 acres (preferably more...), he thought 1 acre was a gigantic lot and balked at even that. We went round and round. When I worked with the agent, I refused to look at anything less than 1 acre, and I *knew* DH would come around if he could get a real feel for lot sizes rather than what 1 acre "sounds like". Sure enough -- one of the first homes we looked at was on 1 acre, he tells me oh, the lot isn't that big - (well, DUH!) We ended up on 3 acres, he is wonderfully happy here and has made comments occasionally he wishes it were a little more... LOL! Point of the story: Instead of just *talking* about it, get out there *look* at homes with varying amounts of land to see what where the compromise falls. Also remember that just because the land is on acreage doesn't mean it's land you will have to maintain. We looked at one house that was primarily wooded -- I mean wooded-wooded, like...the forest. Passed on that one; clear-cutting all that to make a useable patio/yard area would have cost half as much as the darn house!

One thing a larger lot will give you is more privacy. This is something you can't "add" later.

Write down the minimum and maximum that you prefer. Have DH do the same. Split the difference. Done!

For us, location was paramount. Sometimes, the choice of House and lot is dictated by location.

Compromise, large lot with only 1/2 acre cleared to maintain.

Having lived on both a tiny lot (6,000sf currently) and 1400 acres, and everything in between, I'd say 1-3 is perfect. :) The privacy, less exposure to potentially noisy, obnoxious neighbors, (current situation :( ) & barking dogs etc is always a big plus for us. Actually, depending upon where/what the land is composed of, the maintenance might be less than that on a small lot. That said it seems this is more about what you think you'd give up with the house more than the lot itself. You commented, " I realize that I am not very enthusiastic about trading off house features for a larger lot." What specific house features are you not seeing on acreage? And why specifically does your DH want a larger lot?

Thank you all! My husband is terrible about yard work. He hates it! But, I think he just wants slightly more privacy.

In our area lots of homes are being built on tiny lots and so you tend to pay a little more for lets say 0.5 acres or 1 acre vs 8000 sq ft lots. And actually you *can* have a thicket of trees on these tiny lots—many houses might back up to trees and include some of them in the property boundaries— since most of our area was forest in its original state.

in terms of the tradeoffs- we are not alone in liking a tiny bit of land as opposed to none—so people often seem to price their homes accordingly. A home with interior upgrades on 0.75 acres in the same area of town will be more than the same house on 0.15 acres.

So within our given price range we see interiors I like with next to zero land, and older homes with more land. Interiors I like + 0.5 acres or more are too expensive in the part of our city we’d to be in for commuting purposes. And we are just not gonna get over an acre at all unless it’s a house that needs significant work like that historic house I posted. So my husband and I are actually fairly close to the same page – both of us want community and don’t mind being close to neighbors - it’s just, do we mean REALLY close or like 0.5-1 acre close? :)

Has your DH ever had the fun of mowing with a zero turn mower? He might just change his mind about yard work. :) (Riding that mower is one thing I REALLY miss about our 5 acre last house!)

Seems that you're both more on the same page than not so maybe it's a matter of waiting for that particular house and land and then winning a bidding war? I don't know how hot a market you're in but that could be what you're looking at. It certainly is in our town. They're sold the first day and above asking price. And yes...most people are looking for the same thing: updated 3-4 bed/2+bath house, some amount of land, not too busy a road yada yada....so it's super competitive in many towns.

It seems you've narrowed it down to: REALLY close or .5ish acre close. But is the latter really that common and within your price range? I find that .5-1ac (with a pretty nice house) within popular commuting distances quite rare. That land/house would seem to be the Perfect House to most people...therein, higher $$, bidding wars. Is that not the case where you are?

It could be that the market & your finances might dictate what you end up with vs a compromise situation.

My wife and I were living in a rented home in the middle of an 80 acre parcel of land when we went in search of our first home. We loved the privacy and the fact that we had a garden space and animals. We hoped to replicate this in our new home. It quickly became apparent that we could not have that much land and a nice home. We discussed what was important and that it was the privacy we enjoyed the most. I scaled back my desire on land to require that I walk out the back door and not be looking at another house. We managed to find this in a home on a 2 acre wooded lot.

1400 acres...I can dream can't I?...

(Eh, I'd be thrilled with 10, but I don't think we're going anywhere anytime soon unless I hit it big in the lottery)

Privacy is more than not seeing someone else's house. A line of trees on a postage stamp isn't going to offer privacy other than blocking a view to the house (maybe, depending on the trees) and can feel really closed in in such a small area. A 1/2 can definitely offer more privacy, depending on characteristics of the particular lot.

here, extremely easy..we saw the lot...10.000 sq f..:) and both of us were like "wow!!! HUGE lot! so much privacy!!!!" lol

April well there have to be some tradeoffs for living in the state everyone dreams of moving to, ha :)

Jama you understand the situation perfectly! Yes. ‘The perfect house’ for us ( and for many people as you point out) is nice inside, with maybe .5-1 acre. And yes maybe one will come along and we’ll just be able to jump on it! However in our commuting range and price range, what we keep seeing is 8 to 10,000 ft.² with a nice house —versus a half acre or an acre with a house that needs some work. My husband prefers the latter, and could happily live in such a house without any cosmetic work being done . . . I prefer the former.

rebeccaadia...Are you in a really hot sellers market now? If you are and are ready to "go" you might consider buying so you don't get locked out or end up in a year still looking but at a much higher price. (This would have happened to us so we jumped on the "not perfect"....and now we're just fine here) Then you can wait until THE right house comes up....or your DH might find out it's just fine. :)

can you find a lot with little or no lawn maintenance. For instance, we found a 2 acre lot which we plan to revert to its original, forest like state. Thus our house will be surrounded by bush and trees, hence, low maintenance. However, some of our immediate neighbours' yards are very high maintenance i.e. lots of grass cutting etc. As well, can you agree on how much updating etc you would undertake in the house.

many tradeoffs, yes

I do love California, a lot. It's a gorgeous state

But many people dream of moving out of here too..or so I read..))

(not me unless I'm going home. I'd take Hawaii though. Would be beneficial to my mental and physical health)))) New Orleans-I think I'd fit there..loved the vibe. generally speaking, I haven't seen enough of South..hope to a have a chance to do so.)

but enough about me..it depends a lot about lot orientation etc..feeling of privacy. For example you have a slope. Great if nothing's there. Worse if there's a house. The distance is the same..the feeling of privacy changes.

Or. The lot is the same. In one case, you have one neighbor. In second, two from both sides, In third, two neighbors on the side, and one on the other side of your backyard fence. Lot is the same-privacy's different.

There are objective factors, there are subjective too. Say one needs to really try to see me in the window of my family room, but I felt very exposed until the blinds went up. I don't feel exposed sitting next to my bay window in the dining , because one needs to open the gate..the gate's always open there, and if one was to make an effort to see me in the windows of family room-one might as well make several more steps, go a bit around and see me in the bay window.

But the fence gives one feeling of being less exposed, more private, etc.

Even in a room. If a desk turned in such a way that I can't see the door, sit with my back to the door-I'd feel less safe. Why? It doesn't make any sense, since if a big bad wolf already in the house-my chances of getting out of it safe approximate zero, even if I see him right away lol.

Yet we're wired in a certain way. Something ancient inside signals you "chance of survival". Can be totally unapplicable to your situation -yet you still follow that signal, somehow.

(well not always..I'm awful with fight and flight response for example. when one needs to decide in a split second. But something longing like a general feeling..it's easier to figure out where your comfort zone lies)

I currently have a half acre and could never think about living on less. I'd like a little more room in between the houses even more. If lawn upkeep is the concern i'd look at wooded land...the kind that has the area around the house cleared but the rest is wooded...privacy but not the upkeep.

You keep looking until you find something you both like well enough to compromise. At some point you get tired of looking and waiting and are willing to make a decision. We always go for more land and privacy. Interiors can be changed some day. The lot/location can’t without moving.

OP,

After identifying the different criteria you and your husband want, begin to ask each other WHY is that important to them. Once he answers, then ask again, WHY is THAT important to you. Keep drilling down until you really understand why he wants what he does and let him do the same to you.

If you do this, I bet you will find that what is important to you, is not important to you for the reasons you may think. And then you can address the true wishes of each other. Good luck.

My spouse and I compromised on several homes. It was usually me giving up something I wanted. He more often wanted more square footage and amenities. He wanted a house to impress. I was more on the side of location and how it fits our needs.

Our last home was in the country, and while we had a smallish lawn, it backed up to corn fields, so we had a lot of privacy. We also had first floor laundry and all the other niceties of the time. But I had to drive 4 miles to the grocery store, getting milk was an errand that took 40 minutes, and the kids had long bus rides to school.

He is the one who compromised more on our current house, and I think he likes it best! He had to give up having a tub in the master bath, which is an odd thing for him to put on his list, having never taken a bath in our 23 years of marriage. We have a larger lot, but it is in a neighborhood, and a new one, so we can see all our neighbors. The kids don't like that much after living most of their lives with cornfields behind the house, but we planted a line of trees and shrubs, and eventually, we will have a living fence to give us that privacy. You can also build actual fences, if privacy is what you are seeking.

What concerns me is you are planning to be there 20-25 years. I can't imagine having acreage to care for as I get older. But I am a city girl who likes to run out for milk in 10 minutes instead of 40.

We regularly go to Garden Walks, and I have seen how suburban spaces can be made private with a line of trees. You don't need a tremendous amount of space to do this, but you do need time.

I've chosen all the homes/lots we've lived in, so no compromise has been necessary.

For the next one, I gave her a choice of states. So last summer, she visited Honolulu, Austin, L.A., Houston and Orlando. Disliked them all--too darn hot!-- but agreed with my idea of Northern New England. Though not oceanfront. Something to do with bailing fish from her childhood home during Hurricanes Gilbert and Andrew!

'I've chosen all the homes/lots we've lived in, so no compromise has been necessary'

wow- not working with the egalitarian marriage model, huh? ;)

My husband can only imagine making a statement like that in his wildest dreams. . .

well every couple is different

I can tell you I was very surprized when a husband made an offer on our place, and his wife had seen only listing pictures. Maybe he wanted to surprise her, he knew she loved the pictures.

I was like "wow! one partner makes a decision wow!"

then the offer, we counter offered it, only then he brought his wife to make sure they want to go up in price.

or with my ex, I was the one looking at properties, then I chose in my mind the one, then though I brought my ex to hear what he thinks..he spent 5-10 min in the place tops, said "yes"..then we put an offer.

when we were installing a kitchen in our starter apartment(that kinda came with no real kitchen)-the only thing my then-husband was interested in, was giving me a budget line. He was completely uninvolved in the rest, since he wasn't interested that much and trusted my choices.

Furniture, whatever we picked during years, we did pick together..art, we picked together..kitchen, was all on me.

my now-husband is extremely involved in everything, so it works very differently

if I'm already on that subject-we share many similar tastes and concerns, so it's not that hard to compromise. But then I learned to read him too. He won't be right away "yes" person. He can be right away a "no" person. Then I just don't continue and drop it. When he's very interested he needs more time though. I don't push him. That's how he is. Sometimes one doesn't have time..that's how we missed a perfect place for MIL, and he was very upset as we all were, and told me "you didn't push me hard enough". Well..I didn't want to push hard somebody who hates to be pushed..:)

You can remodel your home, you can’t easily add more average.

Thanks all! By way of an update— it turns out I suppose I ‘won’ although hopefully we will both be happy. :) I think his initial desire for more land had more to do with the fact that that’s how he grew up. (Great suggested questions, NC real estate guy!) I think it was hard for him to associate a smaller lot with being an adult. (We have never yet lived in a large lot together, but we’re still fairly young— he is 40–and so all the places we’ve lived until now have been places that we never intended to stay for a long time.) I think it was initially hard for him to picture being 55 or 60 down the road in a suburban house bc thats not how his parents were. But when it really came down to it—we are just so different than his parents. They are both super introverted people who don’t entertain a lot or crave community as much as he and I do. Also, they have a strong work ethic when it comes to their lot, and he and I are not so great about that – I don’t love lawn or outdoors upkeep and neither does he. At heart we had to accept that we are urbanites who, like many people, can’t afford a beautiful home in a truly urban setting— but close knit suburbia is the next best thing for us.

That being said, both of us are truly drawn to trees, and we really dislike completely clear cut neighborhoods – The house we’re closing on next week satisfies our impulses by having a thicket of trees in the back. We decided that’s good enough! :)

So happy you both found something to enjoy, will you share lol?