Mtn - Totally agree about children's parties having gotten out of hand. Did others adopt your no gift policy?

About your last paragraph. I don't think we should even wonder about why someone requests no gifts. Just don't give a gift. It's pretty simple.

My family are gift givers. When I threw a party for DH's 60th birthday I had to repeat to them many times "Do not bring gifts. He will not like it. Do not bring gifts!" (I will say that to family but not others.) These are people so into gifts that you have to use a bludgeon to the head to get the point across. And then they bring gifts.

When my DS1 was turning 8 I did a no gifts party. The kids had enough toys. I said no gifts, but we would collect donations for the local animals shelter. The kids enjoyed bringing dog food, treats and toys to be donated. My son really enjoyed going to the animal shelter and presenting the donations. The staff at the shelter praised him for his choice and everyone was happy. Parents really liked the idea.

I think excluding gifts at peer birthday parties for children should be the prevailing custom. The first time that we attended a birthday party for one of the children's friends and were told that the gifts would not be opened at the party, I thought it was time for the gift giving to stop. Why not just let the children enjoy the social occasion.

ETA: Great idea, Chispa!

I gave years worth of no gift parties for my kids. It works well when you are in an area where this is common, IME. When we got a gift or two, I would quietly say thank you and set them aside for the kid to open later and write a private thank you note.

But I have found that in areas where such parties are not common, it makes atttendees very uncomfortable—I have had parents repeatedly ask if they can just bring x or y. And then many people will bring gifts anyway. Even though we never open them under those circumstances, it seems to make other attendees uncomfortable to see so many people bringing a gift. Much as I think my kids don’t need any more stuff (and we invite the whole class) and much as I would rather not have people going to the trouble and expense, the last thing I want is to make our guests uncomfortable. So I have given up for where we live now.

I would love to do a donation party instead, but that feels too bossy (and even farther outside of traditional etiquette) and I have seen people bring both a donation AND a present to those parties, which would horrify me as a host.

I cross-posted with chipsa—sorry my post was not aimed at your post.

I confess I didn’t know that saying no gifts was a faux pas. Oops! I have many times written “The gift of your presence and continued friendship is all that is desired.” If someone comes with a wrapped gift I say thank you and put it out of sight. If someone comes with a plant, bottle of wine, box of candy, it gets left out and consumed(if applicable).

For my kids we often did no gift parties, the parents appreciated it IMO. I think others did it too. I will say we live in an area with great economic diversity and bringing a gift can be a serious burden. It can be the cause of a child not attending to avoid embarrassment.

My kids are well past the party age now, I see among the younger kids a trend toward parties with donation boxes for the “nutrition closet” at school. This is where you can go to get food to eat over the weekend when you cannot get free breakfast and lunch at school. Kids parties are also organized for the summer meals program. We have serious food insecurity issues here.

When the kids were young we had a hybrid -- we asked people to bring a wrapped book, and then put it in a basket. At the end of the birthday party, each person chose a wrapped package to take home. So it let people 'gift' and also gave kids something to take home (don't get me started on goodie bags). (And we've had folks put in used books, they read just as well.)

It is super hard to do 'no gifts' because inevitably, someone feels they must bring one anyways. Sometimes the "no gift-ee" clearly expected gifts anyways (what is up with that?)

In some situations, I've brought a card with a gift card inside and held it in my purse, so that if the "no gifts" turns into a "look, gifts" we are not caught empty handed.

Ditto what HB said. I often have gift in my purse or trunk of the car “just in case.”

When my son was 8, HE asked ME if his party guests could bring a donation instead of a gift. So for several years he collected for the local animal shelter. It was cute how excited the kids were about what they brought to the party! More than they had been about the presents. Old towels, new chew toys, a week's worth of newspaper, they loved it all. Some kids still brought a, say, $5 iTunes gift card, but since all the kids brought a birthday card, it wasn't obvious.

And, since he has a winter birthday, always indoors, he wanted a summer party. That was fun, the invitations stressed this was not a birthday: no gifts, no goodie bags, just pizza, brownies, and outdoor fun. Soooo much fun. Obstacle courses, steeplechase, treasure hunts. Parents double-checked in the RSVP and at drop-off that there were no gifts. Nope, no gifts. I suspect there were some gift cards lurking in glove compartments lol!

Went to a 90th birthday where the guests were asked to bring an anecdote to tell. It made for a fun luncheon with people sharing their stories. Now THAT was fun. At another party, guests were asked to bring a single flower to add to vases. Also fun, and colorful! And I don't recall seeing gifts, just lovely cards.

I wonder whether, when the party is at someone's home, people feel more obligated to bring a gift, almost as a hostess gift?

I became good friends with a co-worker several years ago... I heard the stories about his first date with her, he showed me photos of her, vacation stories, and then the ring he was having made for her, ... I certainly knew they were getting married and so I wove them a special basket as a wedding present. Then came the invitation stating "no gifts or please consider donating to our preferred charities" (along with a short list). It broke my heart, but I didn't bring that basket to their wedding and reception.... then I felt awful when I saw so many gifts on a table. :p

When the kids were young we had a hybrid -- we asked people to bring a wrapped book, and then put it in a basket. At the end of the birthday party, each person chose a wrapped package to take home. So it let people 'gift' and also gave kids something to take home (don't get me started on goodie bags). (And we've had folks put in used books, they read just as well.)

HB, I like this idea so much! Because it also kills one of the other great scourges of suburban parenting ... the toxic Goodie Bag! (often, literally, with all that oriental trading krap). Thankfully, my kids have aged out of this ritual so we are all good.

Someone asked above, did it ever catch on? No.

As for charities, I like that idea, too, but sometimes it gets overdone and then people as someone said, kind of resent it. It's that old thing about presuming a gift and then directing what it must be. ANd yes, I have seen it added to the actual gift!

party_music - I hope you gave your wonderful gift to your friend! I would love to have that basket and I'm sure your friend would too. Please send or present it to him! The gifts should have been shuttled out of sight at the reception. Their bad. Although I've said I don't want gifts, I have to admit that it does tug at my heartstrings when someone gives me something out of the blue just because it was something they thought I'd like.

H B said:

"When the kids were young we had a hybrid -- we asked people to bring a wrapped book, and then put it in a basket. At the end of the birthday party, each person chose a wrapped package to take home."

I would not be happy if I bought a gift and then found out that the hostess gave it away as a party favor.

Hmm, depends on how it was worded. If I were asked to "bring a wrapped book" I think I could guess that it was not a traditional gift-giving situation.

If an invitation says no gifts, and I don't bring one, then I don't feel bad at all if other gifts are brought...HOWEVER. The other gifts shouldn't be recognized when others are present at the event should they? So then it's bad etiquette on the part of the receiver. They should be quietly put aside for opening later.

As far as giving at a "no gift" event...sometime I do in order to recognize the event...but I wouldn't bring it TO the event if it can be helped. If it can't be helped, i'll just sneakily put somewhere to find later. No big deal.

ETA: If not wanted, I am sure it will be given to charity....again...nbd

Rosesstink, I never did give it to them. If they ever see it and comment, then it's theirs. Lol! -- I just noticed that my thumbnail image is the inside base of that basket! :)

Party music it is gorgeous, can you show us more?

As far as giving at a "no gift" event...sometime I do in order to recognize the event...but I wouldn't bring it TO the event if it can be helped. If it can't be helped, it's just sneakily put somewhere to find later. No big deal.

Hmmm....It may be a big deal to some if they truly don't want more stuff, or to have to deal with someone else's taste, etc.

Partymusic - that is amazing!

Lucystar, just to be clear, we explained it prior to the party, that we were requesting no gifts, and that if people wanted to, they could bring a wrapped book and each guest would choose one to take home. Right up front. We always brought extras in case anyone opted not to, so that every guest could take a book home. While that required wrapping and having a few extra books on hand, we preferred that to having traditional giftbag goodies and leftovers.

ETA: our children have been fortunate to receive many many gifts and sometimes it really has been more than they needed or wanted, so we have always given them the option where possible to return or exchange a gift, or to give it away in new condition if they felt it was something they would not appreciate.

Thank you so much, mtnrdredux and Indigo Rose! oh yes, I can show you lots more! lol! I love to create things. :) Sorry to go OT, but I love the chance to show my baskets and teach people anything they want to know. I just had a small exhibit at a local theater. They let me set up my own display in their outer lobby and I did this -- but it still needed some cloth on the box "riser" and wooden stop I used. :) For this exhibit I chose a little of this and that, including baskets in reed, homegrown willow, and even iris leaves from my garden. My house looks like this too, but they're on shelves, tables, basket hangers, and in piles. lol!

What an interesting hobby and what talent. Do you have an Etsy store? You should consider it.

Agreed, those are lovely!

Always love to purchase things that are homemade. I've been on the lookout for a Sussex trug but no luck with my meager pennies..

Mtn, no etsy store, but I do sell locally. I stubbed a website and have been thinking of selling on-line independently.

Thanks, pennydesign. I hope you find your trug!

I was invited to a friend's birthday dinner at her house. Casual, women in their late 60s, early 70s. She says, no gift!!! I brought a very nice bottle of wine and all the other women brought gifts. The gifts were opened at the table after dinner because the other guests insisted she do so. I guess next time I'll bring a gift.

Those baskets are gorgeous!!

If invite says no gifts I never bring a gift and I never feel guilty. I am a rule follower, I guess!

What robo said.

Linelle, you did bring a gift!

Indigo, yes, technically. But I always bring wine when invited for dinner. I just made this one a little more special because it was her birthday.

I didn't feel *that* awful. I suspect my friend who set me up not to bring a gift felt a little bad about it.

Thanks for the explanation, H B .

Thanks, robo! I'm a rule follower too. :)