Over one pot light? Well, better to do things right now than have to do them over. Lots of arguments aren't really about whatever they're supposedly about - especially about money, which has deeper significance to many people.

It's amazing what has triggered each of us at different moments in the house design process. We come back together by remembering that our relationship is more important than any of these details, and by seeking to understand the underlying stress or anxiety that comes out in these seemingly petty battles.

I’m having more then 1 pot light. I added and extra one ...for a moment my husband looked like his head was going to pop off.

I make sure my husband knows I understand what he is frustrated about. I let him go on and on and commiserate, then the next day I tell him why he is wrong ;-) OK, not that he is wrong, he is right about all the frustrations, but he is wrong to cut his nose to spite his face. Axing one pot light is not going to undo all the other frustrations with the kitchen remodel, but in the end it could mar a perfectly nice kitchen.

One thing that helped my DH not freak out is that I demoed almost the whole kitchen by myself. My little kids got into the “easy/fake/choreographed” part just at the moment he was getting home from work and handed him a child-sized hammer and mask. Once he saw the kids participating, he relaxed. It saved us a few bucks demoing ourselves, donating to Habitat, and taking most of the debris to the dump/recycling center ourselves.

Wine also helps.

Couldn’t agree more. My husband holds onto money very tight and so do I but this kitchen is falling apart as I type.

I wish I could donate to habitat but it’s really in sad shape.

Your lucky to have a hubby that’s ok with that. I wished!

We did go to the top of budget knowing that Appliances and Electrical box would be extra and not included in budget and we are very aware of issues that will pop up we lived here for 15yrs soon to be 16 and the kitchen is just and epic disaster and truly a bother for both of us but of course mostly me I’ve been hand washing dishes for 15yrs and these past 3yrs have been and arthritic nightmare, I can no longer deal with it.

Financially we are fine but I don’t want to bleed to death with this Reno either. so I do understand his worry..it stresses me out and makes me worry.

I will not add anything else to my kitchen. This should help.

sounds as though hubby needs to wash dishes and do the cooking in the falling apart kitchen for awhile.

We have the opposite issue - my husband is very much “let’s just do everything” while I’m the one writing checks and freaking out about things... I do think it’s important to enter any remodel with a firm realization that you WILL go over budget, and it WILL take longer than expected. That helped me personally keep from going into nickel and dime mode and I honestly don’t regret a single extra!

Thanks recordaras ...I hope it goes smooth after the Electrical and plumbing (these two are not a mystery) fingers crossed it is painless. If it gets too costly what should I do, cut stuff out of the design?

I’m working with a kitchen designer and not really do anything that I would consider flashy unless 4 can lights is flashy?

I’d honestly just pad for some overage, and make sure your husband is aware that if you do come in at/under budget that will be a very lucky occurrence worth celebrating. I spent a few nights where I was questioning every single thing that we did (writing checks does that to me!), but now that the money is spent I’m so happy we did not cut back and even added a few things... But that’s obviously if you CAN afford it, which I’m assuming from your previous comments. If you absolutely must not go over a certain amount that’s a different story and will require a different decision making process.

All kitchen remodels go over budget. Do it correctly and now or what are his other options he’s willing to agree to? Not do it and and have glaring left undone tasks? Wait and do it later and pay more as prices are always climbing? I’ve done tons of research , made notebooks and talked to pros and gotten quotes on so many things for our homes... ..there is a filing cabinet. When resistance comes from partner or family just ask what their alternative is? its when poor or no planning occurs at the beginning : the chaos in the middle of attempted project makes a lot of tension then . But the nature of a kitchen project means you’ll go over a set budget, not always, but this is typical. You’ll be fine.

Some personalities are truly in physical pain when spending money. There is no way to make them feel good doing it, even if everything is within budget or whatever. My husband will go without eating for two meals out of three just to save money if he is traveling for work. Even if the company pays for it. If your husband is that way too, I think the best thing is to try to be understanding that they are in pain, but realize that there is also a reason that they married you. I find spending money enjoyable. It means we've saved up all this time and it's finally time to start doing something with the money! Why on earth would a scrimper marry someone like me? Yet he did. I think that often people choose what they need in a marriage and that isn't always the easiest thing. What we need isn't always what is pleasant or easy. Likewise you chose him. I chose my husband even though I find spending enjoyable and he hates it. Probably just being sensitive to their point of view and giving them lots of credit for being willing to go against what is comfortable for them goes a long way.

I don't have a husband so I got to make all the decisions on, and pay for, my recent gut remodel. But I'm pretty tight fisted. Every time another unanticipated additional item/cost was needed, no matter how small, I would agonize, lose hours of sleep, be filled with regret, pour over my accounts and retirement fund, and sometimes cry. From my viewpoint, it would be good to try and understand your husband's fear and frustration. Let him have an ear to vent.Avoid arguing. Talk about the things you know he will love about it, how nice it is to be able to plan and execute a project together as a couple. Do try and include him in the fun decision making bits. Assure him it will all be fine in the end. And it will!!! I regretted this project pretty much every day. But in the end? I'm ecstatic with the results and love spending time in my new kitchen. And my favorite part? I have a dishwasher!

Danette. Your right and I know he is just stressed over the amount of money we are spending but we have saved and anticipated this Reno for 15 yrs and we knew going into it that it would cost a little more than our budget because this kitchen is a mess, the prior home owner who was a (DIYer)was not good at DIY he certainly was great at hiding stuff.... I stupidly purchased during the 2005 housing boom in northern Virginia (15min) outside of DC when every house sold overnight.

I kept my DH on a need-to-know-basis as well, and asked for his input, but because I'd done most of the design work myself (with consultants here and there) I felt that I could make the most informed decisions. Plus DH is not super attentive to things like mixing colors and textures. Note that DH does most of the cooking and is a far better cook than I am! But I am a planner and an amateur woodworker (I designed and made the cabinets), and it helps that I make a lot more $$ than he does at my day job. (That extra $$ really helped when I wanted to splurge on a backsplash.)

If you think that cutting costs is the best way to mitigate his discomfort, don't cut costs on infrastructure. The time to upgrade electrical, plumbing, framing, and insulation is while the walls are open. Once you install drywall, flooring, and cabinets, you can save on counters, light fixtures, or backsplash. You can always get a less expensive counter and replace it later, and hold off on a backsplash until you feel like you can spend the money for the backsplash you want. A phased reno is a great way to spread the costs out over time.

Last but not least, a single pot light is pocket change compared to an entire kitchen remodel. My electrician said that the biggest costs were panel replacement and additional circuits - where I live, each opening (switch or fixture, including pot lights, but excluding specialty items like plugmold) costs me about $25, including materials and labor. Don't skimp on lighting, especially now while it's easy to run wiring.

GD. Also in somewhat NoVA (Downtown Fredericksburg). High cost location makes the costs harder to swallow! I feel for ya. It's going to be stressful for both of you. Everyone on this site says "it will be worth it." I thought, no way, this is one of the worst, most stressful, and costliest mistakes of my life. Now that it is finally done (it took 13 months, and with no kitchen!), and my drained accounts are building up slowly again, I feel so much better and do feel that it was worth it. My tiny kitchen had one working outlet. No lighting (used table lamps). No ventilation. No dishwasher. The sink pipes leaked. Peeling linoleum. The 90 year old cabs smelled like urine. I'm 2-4 yrs from retiring and planned this as my last house and No way I wanted to spend my golden years with that misery. Better to do it now while I have a decent income and get as much enjoyment out of it while I can. Wish you the best in this. Lots of help on this forum, even if it can be a bit snarky at times.

Oh, I too purchased a home during the boom. And sold it 10 yrs later at no profit. Actually had to bring $ to the closing table. So I guess the reno wasn't my costliest mistake after all.lol.

Danette, You made my day!

Please post pictures of your kitchen and the renovation plans. What cabinet line did you choose? What countertops? Appliances? Flooring?

Sammy I have another post with the kitchen layout.

I'm not yet married, so I'm another one making the decisions alone, and I too hate spending money - so basically, my reno is creeping along at a glacial pace, which I don't really recommend.

Fear is what makes people go bananas over the money - fear of not having enough, fear of being defrauded by a bad contractor, fear of having an emergency mid process that "wipes you out." And these fears are usually rooted in something very basic (childhood, parental trauma, great-grandparents who lived through the dust bowl). It may be completely irrational, but that fear's not going anywhere.

You talk him off the ledge by... talking with him about it - maybe not in the moment, but talk until he is talked out. If you started out with an unrealistic budget, get your bids, go over the budget, and use real numbers. If you are likely never going to recoup your investment, be honest about it. Ask him what will make this process less stressful for him/trigger his fears less. If you have not really even gotten started and his responses are extreme, better to figure out together how you're going to move forward, because the really stressful stuff hasn't even started yet.

eam44, Your spot on. We've been planning this kitchen for 15 years. His fears certainly doesn't stem from childhood he grew up with money and not a care in the world. I'm not sure why he worries like this he has been this way since the day I met him 32 years ago, it could be his 30 yr military career that caused this honestly don't know. I'm not really worried about resell since we plan on being here for at least 10 to 15 but most likely it will be forever and Its not like im spending 100k on this remodel.