I'm sorry that you are being put into this situation by your husband. How long has he felt this way? Is it an age related issue? Personally, I would have a conversation with him and let him know that your son is always welcome and you look forward to having him visit. Also, that DH's attitude and behavior while son is visiting is not acceptable. I just feel like there are underlying issues that he should address. Sounds like he is jealous of your relationship with son. I feel for you.

i would perhaps use gentler words but Joseph pretty much nailed it. I think something deeper might be going on if this is a sudden change. What is your childrens visits taking away from him that in his head he gets so upset? How old is he how is his general health? i think his behavior is immature at best but if it’s a change in behaviour look a bit deeper.

Underlying issues for sure. Before long, your son won’t want to come home, so it’s important to try and resolve. If you haven’t already had a frank discussion…that it’s a very normal practice, that you relish his visits and how important it is to you. It‘s a time in your son’s life where love and support is still so important, especially given his younger years.

If he’s not willing to graciously accept the visits, suggest he, or you both, see a therapist. I can’t imagine how heartbreaking this must be, but you won’t know why there is so much resentment without persuing. You must be proud of your son; sounds like he’s a great guy and IS independent! Good luck.

Thank you for all of your comments so far.

My husband is almost 65 and in good health, still works full time and is very active.

After yet another tantrum last night after I told him that my son is planning on coming home tonight I did tell him that we needed to go see a therapist because this issue needs to be resolved. I tried to explain how much this hurts me but his main argument is that it is "not normal" for a 24 year old to come home this much. I have wondered if this might be a jealousy issue (my son taking away my time from him). But when my son comes home he does spend a good amount of time at his friend's house and isn't even home or he takes off on a long hike with the dogs. And my husband works on Saturday as well.

He does have underlying issues related to his relationship with his own father who passed away last year. He has a lot of resentment because his dad was somewhat of a bully and never paid for any extra curricular activities when he was little. He also told me that his dad basically told him "you are on your own" when he turned 18. Maybe his attitude is related to this?

My kids did all kinds of sports and activities when they were young, I am keeping my son on my health insurance plan until he can get his own, his biological dad is paying most of his college tuition etc. So maybe deep down my husband is somehow jealous that my son gets all of these things "handed to him"? But my son also works hard and has a part time job while he is in school. I just don't know...

My son is currently doing an engineering coop during the spring semester and makes more money than my husband does. Could this cause some jealousy as well?

I often want to ask him if he would feel the same way if this was his "real" son but bite my tongue because he was a really good step dad in the past.

Stand firm with loving your son and keeping him in your life. Do not waste time trying to change your husband. If he feels he wants to change his life, his relationship with you and your son, wonderful. Only he can do that. Unfortunately, I think odds are that he won’t change. Please take care of yourself and don’t modify your relationships because of what your husband wants.

Such a painful situation. It does seem strange that he has been a good involved stepdad in prior years and now acting like this. One would think he would take pride, take credit even, for the way your son is doing well now.

I think being frank, firm, but also as loving and supportive as you can be, toward your husband— meaning more, being more of the grownup in hopes your husband will “ hear” you, feel not under attack, & hopefully agree to work on the issues.

It does sound like he’s relating only to his own upbringing and doesn’t have any perspective on “ young people today”. So many parents are dealing with young adults who have major problems, can’t or won’t leave the nest, lots of stuff especially with the pandemic havoc. But that’s not this.

The other aspect that’s off- kilter regarding “ parenting “ is that parents still help their adult children, but hopefully in evolving ways, such as being advisor, sounding board , celebrating achievements, commiserating but not being responsible for “ fixing “ things.

And what about when/if sons get married - you’ll want to be a welcoming & supportive MIL, and then maybe grandchildren— you’ll want to be able to go ga-ga and have husband participate.

My 30 year old son lives a few states away and is independent and has a good job. I’m always happy when he visits and let him know that he is always welcome to live with us should things go south. I want to be a safety net, so he can take some chances in life, something I never had since my parents passed when I was a young adult.

Good for you for telling your husband that you need to see a therapist. And you are a rock star mom, don’t doubt yourself for one minute. My personal view as a parent is that one should financially help support a child (even young adult) through college IF POSSIBLE. Underline “if possible “ twice, since I understand there are lots of situations. At that point, the kid should get a full time job and save towards moving out and being independent. If things get rough, there is always a plate at my table and a bed (or sofa). Every parent gets to make his or her own decision. It is normal for a kid in school to visit home, especially if still somewhat dependent on a parent. Once he’s graduated and has a full time job, he’ll likely rather be on his own. Your actions are totally reasonable and your husband is unreasonable and hope you find a good therapist. Oh, and Happy Mothers Day!!!🙂

Oh, Mama. Get yourself and husband to a family therapist to discuss this with a neutral third party. Your desire to offer a warm home to your son is normal. Your husband’s attitude is not.
The origin of your husband’s attitude is a mystery. Therapy could clear that up. In the mean time, you are stuck in the middle.

I note you mentioned his father passed away relatively recently, grief affects each differently. It often generates a lot of reflection, conscious and unconscious - about one’s own idea of self, sense of place, on relationships past and present. If his own familial relationship was fraught, and is now gone - you might have just written down the core of the issue. You have done well to bring up seeking therapy. Stay on this path and hopefully it helps bring some resolution for you and your family.