Sorry I hate software for design post some pics of your stuff a floor plan to scale of the space and what you need in the space . I assume you are removing what is there for safe keeping so take pics of the room too when it is empty .Where do you sleep ? I hate to say it but no cure around the corner for dementia so I guess this will be your home sometime so how permanent do you want all this stuff for the office . Do you work from home or is this just a home office . Books can be quite loely as decor if you love them all start with a nice bookcase that can hold all the ones you really love and need . I need pics so begin here with that and the floor plan posted here in jpeg format in a comment DO NOT start another post You will get a ton of free design advice take it as given and learn .

I am so sorry. I completely understand the mom issue.

Fact:

She isn't going to get better. She is not. There is no "cure" for dementia, no cure for Alzheimers.

Fact:

Make yourself as comfortable as you like in your old home. Don't worry about touching, moving her things. Work from a space that is calm, wherever you can find it. She is not coming home - if she did, you will need a lot of help. We don't know your age, your finances, hers. Get help in your area. Wherever it is? There are folks who can help you deal with one of the most difficult situations, ever.

Fact..... how you arrange your office, a living space in her home?

I'd say feel free, and do to your liking. Unpack, make it orderly. Do not be afraid to disturb that which she will not see, and possibly never ever remember if she did see. Hang some of her paintings in her room at the "facility". Use her walls there! ?

Your concern for her and her space, HER home? Understandable and yet too hopeful, both: )

Treat yourself well. It is exhausting care. .......and there is "no turning back". Wish it were not so.

I speak from experience, btw.

Jan Moyer explained well. Your mother is lucky that she has you. You can care for her house and still make it comfortable for you to live in. She may never be able to visit her house again.

Paintings can be carefully wrapped and stored in large boxes in the garage or a spare bedroom. If she asks, the paintings have been archived.

Valuables such as her jewelry, credit cards and checkbook should be secured in a safe at her house. This is especially important if you do not know who has keys to the house.

@Patricia Cowell Consulting I understand. Thank you for the suggestions. I work from home and hold Zoom meetings regularly. Attached is an image of the corner I'm referring to. From the corner to the right window is 6 feet; from the corner to the left window (you can see the edge of it in the image) is 8 feet. You can see some of my books on the shelf. I have about 400 inches of books if they were on a shelf upright. I still buy books too, but I also give some away. After two years of sleeping on the hardwood floor, I bought a mattress to keep in another room on the floor after she moved.

@JAN MOYER Thank you so much. I rationally understand, but emotionally, physically, I cannot feel it, so I feel stuck. I know you are right.

I want to remove the shelves and L-shaped desk. Change the blinds. I have a short mirrored file box from Nieman Marcus (second image), an army table and desk (packed), and a tall bookcase (30" x 8') (packed) with enough room to hold 200 inches of books. I also have my own black office chair on casters.

I ahve no idea how you work in thta mess IMO first a really good sized bookshelf from floor to ceiling all those books in one palce in that shelving . I have always believed a clean desk means a clean mind so all the stuff no eneeded off the desk and that means all of it except the computer and the printer for now . Sort what you have and either file it ar box it No shoes in the space all the art work in closet somewher euntil you ca deal with it . I cannot imagine a mirrored cabinet and a army desk in the same space . The desk seems fine to me so maybe for now just keep it . The bookcase is a must so get it in there and find a space for it then see what kinf of space tyou have left . Zooms are almost all done now with fake backgrounds so do that until the space i s rady for public viweing IMO. I find when overwhelmed an empty space is a must to start so take everything out on a weekend when not working then only put back what you need to do your work first . Then the bookshelf then come back and show us the other pieces you own.

"I rationally understand, but emotionally, physically, I cannot feel it, so I feel stuck. I know you are right."

Save yourself and save yourself soon; you cannot save your mom, nobody can. Get UN stuck. Yes, I am right, because experience is a great teacher.

Get local counseling. There is a lot of help out there. It's not about the stuff, the zoom, the pictures, her doo dads. That was then, and this is now. The unfortunate and scary .....now.

Get a book, read it.......Amazon

order it today. You won't regret it.

Show the dining room if there is one. Put a drawing with all walls and windows measured in feet and inches,

Show where you are sleeping??

My point? Get OUT of your old bedroom unless you are 18 years old. Use a room with LIGHT. air, Space.

It isn't going to be mom's house, again. Sad, but it will not be.

I sleep in the master bedroom on a mattress on the floor. I moved her bed to the facility although they have discarded it for a medical/movable bed. About a third of my boxes are in there. It was tough for me to actually sleep in the room. It was a mental shift. I still don't use the closet.

I only use the second bedroom for work, although I do spend the majority of my time there. The dining and living rooms now have stacks of my boxes and still have her furniture. There is an additional back room that she used to use as a TV room, but I now use it as a workshop of sorts. I'm learning to make wood boxes and stuff; it calms me. I recently made a mobile cart to hold some of her paintings and buit the racks under the windows for paintings too. They replaced cardboard boxes she had them stuffed in.

I just wanted to start with this corner. The room is 120 square feet overall. The house is just over 1000 square feet, which is probably double what I actually need. I'm in my 50s. I left home when I was 15, went to college on my own, was in a great long-term relationship, have a technical job, and just started going back to the gym a few months ago (I couldn't leave the house much when she was here due to her paranoia and tendency to fall). Can't wait to socialize again.

If you want to go forward, you have to leave a past behind.

"Can't wait to socialize again."

Where?

"I sleep in the master bedroom on a mattress on the floor." ( you deserve a lot better ) Buy a bed, sell hers or store it. Build a bed, not boxes" .

You left that house when you were 15........must have been a reason.

The first person you need to care for is you. Otherwise? You can't oversee her care. Her condition is NOT you being punished. Not her being punished. It is just that life sometimes sucks.

Ps...... a one bedroom garden apt is generally 800 sq feet: ) Fix your 1000 sq ft Taj Mahal with a clean up and spread out.

Local group bike rides, socials at the gym, art gallery events, for example.

Sooner or later? You want the friends you make,....................IN.

Nice. I like the top photo.

@JAN MOYER How to do a floor plan?

Draw the room in a simple sketch. Start in one corner with a tape measure, measure ever wall, every window and its PLACEMENT within that wall. Add every opening, such as the entry dooor, a closet door and the dimensions and placement within the wall. Use 1/4 inch graph paper or plain paper!

Put it on the scanner, file it as Jpeg and upload. Leave it barren of furniture within the walls.

Like this , but no furniture....this was from an op who posted her dimensions.....in a simple sketch.

One quarter inch to a foot below. From facts. : )

Yes, walls have a thickness.

You wrote: "I don't want to be here."

Have you considered renting out the house and living somewhere else?

> Have you considered renting out the house and living somewhere else?

Great question. Yes, I have, and I think that's going to be the long-term plan after she passes away. She never wrote a will, saved anything beyond a few years of expenses, or set up any funeral arrangements for herself (I've done that for her now). Once I became power of attorney I put the house in a Miller trust so that at least when she passes away it goes into my name immediately avoiding probate. (I'm an only child, she never married, and we have no other family besides some distant relatives out-of-state.) Not sure why she never did any planning. It could be that the dementia took hold before she could think it through. She has been alone her whole life, which is enough to drive anyone nuts :)

Legally, if I rented, then my mom would lose her Medicaid eligibility due to the extra income. So in the meantime, I have to maintain the property at my expense or else sell it, in which case she would lose her Medicaid eligibility until the money from the house sale ran out. I don't see that benefitting her care at this point.

Her facility is nearby, so in order to visit weekly, I need to stay relatively close. We also happen to be in a high-cost-of-living metropolitan area now (it wasn't always) and I'm debating whether I want to stay around here long-term. This month I went to an open house just to start to look for something of my own, and it felt great, tbh. I think I might rent an AirBnB for 4-5 days even just 5-10 miles away to get out from under the weight here, so to speak.

I'm sorry for the hell you are living in. I have been there too, in my 30's, caring for my father-in-law with dementia and lots of aggression. It is horrific. I know you know there is no cure and she will not be back to this house.

Rearranging space sounds super emotionally loaded and heavy. I encourage you to store all of your boxes in her room, then remove everything from one other room and try to make the entire room your own. If it is too emotionally horrible, you can always move it back.

Most important thing is to take care of yourself. Doing a stint in an AirBnB sounds great. Sorry, I cannot wrap my mind around making something workable in your old room with your various pieces of furniture. Awesome that you have a work room and are making things with your hands. Therapy indeed.

Thanks for info and history.

Here's another idea. At some point, you could consider yourself to be the "renter" (although of course you are not really renting) who, like all renters, expects a nice clean empty house to move into. If there were a renter, the owner's things would be donated, sold, or moved for a few months to a small storage unit before ending up donated or sold. I'm assuming stuff she wants is in her room at the facility already.

You may not want to live there, but if you did live there for a few months or a couple years, it is not unreasonable to make 100% of the house livable for you. In real estate terms, it would be empty and "broom clean". Don't move everything to a storage unit, it just costs you money every single month, and postpones the emotional and physical work of discarding things. Set a time limit such as three, six, or 12 months or a dollar limit on what you are willing to pay out of pocket if you do decide to rent a small unit.

There is nothing like the smell of fresh paint to make a house feel like a new start.

In a way, we are all making the same points.

You're a grown man , you aren't 15 yrs old.

Not even your mom can make you a prisoner in your long ago home.

Move fully in and make it yours… or move out and on.

Only you can save you:)

She won’t be back to this house.

I was wondering if you have a friend who can help you move things around? It might be easier with a buddy.

It will be a process to make big decisions here. One, it’s your childhood home. Those are always filled with emotions, whether we are aware of them or not. Two, your mom’s condition is very difficult for those who are responsible for her. Three, your situation sounds very singular - and you need help. Is there someone you can call to help you rearrange things?

Many of us understand your situation. It’s horrible and frightening and you don’t have siblings. I’m glad you are reaching out for help around getting the house better situated for you.

@JAN MOYER is right - your mom will not improve. Too many of us have been there. Is there a service in your community you can go to for support?

Here's part of a drawing I found for a old permit application. The room in question is labeled BED #1. The house is from about 1950. I'll add more measurements soon and re-upload.

> I was wondering if you have a friend who can help you move things around? It might be easier with a buddy.

Great suggestion. I've yet to have company over.

> Is there a service in your community you can go to for support?

I just found an in-person, monthly Alzheimer's / dementia support group. I went Thursday. It was great.

Now I have one tall bookcase but it's not quite enough to hold all of the books. So I'm going to look for something or build something I like. This discussion here has pushed me past a block.

Here is another book you may find helpful: Coffee with mom: caring for a parent with dementia by Mike Glenn. I found it at my public library. Still, there is nothing like meeting someone(s) in person who are going through the same or similar thing. I am glad you found the group.

So glad you have found solace in this community and the impetus to find and attend a group in your area. It sounds as though it has taken a long while for the circumstances to move to having to take up care in a facility. It will take a while to orientate to the new situation now that you are the occupant of the home. Taking a break from it sounds like a great idea., even if it’s a week or two. If longer, you can use the physical distance to return periodically to reset the property to how you need it to work for you if you decide to take up the occupancy for a longer time since it does have some advantages for you if you decide to do so.

There will be lots of help here to help you make it your home, not your childhood home or your mother’s home. You won’t be betraying anyone to make it a space for you, the you that is now.

Please post an update when you are ready.

"You won’t be betraying anyone to make it a space for you, the you that is now."

Great statement!!!

Betrayal is to let her be alone in a house, and in danger. It is even to think you can do more for her than is possible.....when you know that is simply impossible.

Glad you found a support system - invaluable: )

This....."The room in question is bed 1."

No. The room/s in question are both 1 and 2.

They are both y.o.u.r.s as of now.

You make one the office, one is YOUR new bedroom. No less than a queen bed, side tables. Lamps.... new bedding. No mattress tossed on a floor like a 15 yr old guest for a single night.

Add the accurate details/dimensions windows, walls, closets etc ALL. before you start hammering bookcases.: )

Does this look OK so far? This is Bed #1 in the previous image, which were exterior dimensions mostly.

That's fine..... do the same thing for bed 2 and decide WHICH of the two for office: )

Meaning do not sleep where you work.

Jan is amazing and invaluable, you are fortunate to have her on your side.

Good floor plans, easy to read. Each room is 11 x 12 feet, 132 feet square excluding closets.

A 54" wide double or 60" wide queen bed and night stands can go on the 12 foot wall with lots of room to spare. You can also fit either one on the window walls with smaller nightstands on one side, and wider nightstands under the windows.

What furniture pieces did you bring with you?

Ikea has some easy online planning tools: https://www.ikea.com/us/en/planners/

@apple_pie_order No bad childhood vibes. It's the change in her behavior from the dementia that has/had me deeply rattled, and the 24-hour care exhausted and drained me. Not being able to leave for more than an hour ( I saved a voicemail where she's crying telling me they're trying to kill her and push her out the window, begging me to come home), dealing with her texting and calling everyone she's being raped, kidnapped, or poisoned all through tears - it was too much for me. I had to install cameras for my safety regarding the accusations. The police finally told me I had to take her phone. Her comments just made no sense to me especially since I had never felt contempt from her or anything my entire life. And now, for example, she'll tell people she's starving (somehow my fault) - all the while chewing on her food.

I was very independent as a child, and always played with older kids in the neighborhood (we built treehouses, made ziplines, threw rocks at each other, and dug traps for who knows who). No siblings, no father. I told my Mom I wanted to move out when I was 14/15. I had completed two grades in the same year, so was ahead in high school. During my freshman year I made friends with mostly juniors and seniors. We all skated together (this was the 80s), so had a common bond. By the end of my sophomore year I was hanging out with one of my high school friends who had gradated the year before (he was four years older). He had gotten an apartment with a roommate. I moved there taking the roommate's place by the end of the summer, right when I turned 15. My Mom had no control, really. But she did two things for me. She bought me a $600 motorcycle and used whiteout to change my date-of-birth on my birth certificate to help me "legally" work. I never looked back. I lived my life, visited and called occasionally, and dealt with my own problems. I was eventually expelled from high school for not showing up, but eventually earned a GED and started college. I thrived in college, transferred to an out-of-state Big 10 university, and earned a serious STEM degree. Math just clicked for me, and studying and learning changed my life for the better.

> What furniture pieces did you bring with you?

For the bedroom I have a queen mattress at the moment. I bought it recently.

For the work-study room I have a tall bookcase (currently still packed in pieces), which I'm not sure yet will go well here, an old army desk (not set up) that might be too small, and a mirrored single file cabinet (still packed) from Neiman Marcus (pictured earlier).

Thanks for info.

It sounds like simple painting will be enough to start turning over a new page. If you do feel uncomfortable, some religious organizations offer a house blessing or ceremony.

If you want to stay in the area, you can put together a budget and shopping list for new furniture. You can get the matching regular or "low profile" foundation for your new queen mattress once you settle on a bed frame with headboard.

If you don't want to stay, you can buy basic furniture from Ikea, Amazon, Wayfair, or lightly used furniture from a moving/estate sale. College students moving out of town often have rock bottom prices on their furniture.

Often the lingering fumes from artists' oil and acrylic paint and fixatives can be pervasive, lingering and bothersome. Check with your city for a hazardous waste dropoff area for getting rid of old chemicals and paint.

Here are two motorcycle and open-road artworks for inspiration.

David Hockney Pearblossom Highway poster :

https://shop.getty.edu/products/hockney-pearblossom-hwy-11-18th-april-1986-2-poster

Cherokee motorcycle travel poster:

Paul A. Lanquist Cherokee North Carolina Motorcycle Art Print, 24"x36" · More Info

The "g.o.n.e" issue:

Start purging that house. It matters not if you will sell or keep it. Have a garage sale. Go through the art. Do you WANT it? What pieces? Her clothes are still in there? What does she need beyond what she has in the facility. Get the kitchen pruned to suit y.o.u.

Rearrange the furniture, anything dirty or gross? Out.!!!! Clean all the windows....take down aging curtains and out.

She appears to be in an advancing rapid mental decline. You will have to do it at some point - and that could arise suddenly. As was said to me by a doctor when my mom very suddenly took ill, (was gone in a week). and I said "I don't understand, she was as right as rain YESTERDAY!, I took her shopping and for ice cream!."

He: " She was not as right as rain, Jan. In the best scenario - in your eighties, your physiology balances on the head of a straight pin. Dementia makes the head of that pin, much, much smaller. "

@ Jan Moyer Thank you so much.

I packed five boxes of knick-knacks. I'm putting them up for sale by a deadline. Curbed some lamps. Found 12 inches of books to donate so far. Great start for me. I'm on a roll.

What do you think about bamboo blinds, but of high quality and with a blackout layer or something? Does that even exist? I'm in South Florida, so a tropical touch I thought might be cool.

Can you suggest a desk, file cabinets, and bookcase or some sources? I'm not opposed to having something custom made. I make things myself. Also, I don't think I have more two drawers worth of files. A 42" wide by 8' high bookcase is enough for two-thirds of my books, presently, before any pruning.

I kind of like this bed generated by Meta.AI.

Good you're on a roll. Get a bed you can easily get in an OUT of? : ) One that is easy to make in the morning?

Half of this feel better issue, while in THIS house? Get RID OF THAT WHICH YOU DO NOT NEED OR WANT. Guilt equals zero.

Clean it until it blinds you with bright, until spotless.

You're eradicating her? Wellll you are. From your continual 24 /7 thought, because she is 100% incapable of thinking about you.

Re think that bed : ) a pain in the ass all around. Yes, Fine to natural woven shades ( bamboo ) , and yes they can be had with a privacy liner or black out. I'd avoid black out unless the bedroom.

As to desks....

You might want to look on Room and Board - American made....great customer service - one time minimal delivery charge

Or Google Sligh under Lexington Home Brands.... a lot of different looks/styles.

You have to like it, and make it suit your needs: )

Thank you for sharing your life story. it is really valuable.

To make you feel a little more positive and comfortable, you can put some brighter furniture there, so that it is a warm color

if there is a room for work with a desk or laptop, make sure you have somewhere to rest in your free time. it can be any soft armchair or a small sofa if the room itself is tiny