But Pesky, you just said, "I hate wood cabs & granite & SS..." Doesn't that contradict what you just said?

I love and have wood cabs, granite and stainless steel but your statement doesn't bother me in the least. Simply saying how you feel about something as benign as cabinets isn't tactless. We're talking about personal taste, not about someone's belief, ethnicity, socioeconomics, etc.

I think the bigger question is why anyone wants to spend time talking about what they hate.

Because we don't live in La-La Land?

My world is filled to the hilt of things I love. It's also filled with a bunch of things I don't love. I would feel like I wasn't being true to myself if I only talked about one and not the other.

Kelly, I don't live in La La Land, either, but I wish I did.

If finding time to talk about things you hate makes you a better person, then I guess we are just on two very different paths. It certainly doesn't help me.

The thread has stayed fairly positive, and it wasn't meant to be an "I hate white kitchens" vent. It was a solicitation for ideas and pictures. Here is the original post:

"I hate white cabinets but it seems to be all anyone is putting in these days. Anyone going with more of a wood look? if so what did you do for your flooring? Can you post a photo of your cabinets?"

I think it is fine to say that you hate white kitchens, or a particular style, but you shouldn't say it in a "Finished!" post. Finished rooms are like brides and babies, each one is beautiful and the Thumper rule applies. There's no reason to say it in a working post either. But when people are discussing their own design choices, or design in general, or opinions are solicited, I think posters ought to be free to express themselves honestly.

Being true to myself makes me a better person.

Maybe it makes me seem like a rather unpleasant person, but I completely "get" this sentiment ...

I didn't read the original post until just now when riosamba posted it. There's absolutely nothing wrong with the post. For some reason GW saw fit to promote it.

tina

I did not see anything offensive in that post - they seemed to just be pointing out the fact that they love their non-white kitchens. There are some beautiful kitchens on the post.

I love all the pretty white kitchens on here and hope to paint mine white in the future because mine are not pretty.
If my cabinets looked as nice as most of those on that thread, I would not go to the trouble of painting them white - I would embrace them.

Riosamba - Well said.

Yeah, I'm guessing GW knew changing the title to what they did would get more lookers.

I like both dark cabinets and white. I have neither but someday...

I did enjoy looking at the photos.

Whoops...mea cupla Kelly. I'm blaming that on this horrible cold I've got.

Why always the need to create controversy?

Why always the need to create controversy?

Exactly. In every thread she participates in, the same person creates some kind of drama with her at the center of it. argh!

C'mon now, can we please be real here? In all fairness & open-minded interpretation, lots of people commented in this thread. Pretty harmless stuff, just bantering opinions around. So GW chose to alter the wording of post as a draw. The only person creating some kind of drama -repeatedly pulling focus of attention back to herself, turning comments into being about her personally- is the OP.

exactly my point. :c)

I'm sorry you're being singled out, Oak. I don't get it.

Thanks Anele. It hurts pretty bad. It's been going on the past few weeks, no matter what I say or do. I never thought I was out of line either, so I also don't get it.

I remember the ick comment was about Mayonaise. Said I couldn't stand it. You'd have thought I insulted God Himself. lol. I also said it in a lighthearted way too.

It's a sport around here is what I figured out.

I still stand by what I said though. GW did a nasty thing by changing the topic. It was an out and out lie. I'd be livid if they did that to a topic I did. That is not a sound byte either.

I also don't agree with the poster by beginning her topic saying she hates white cabs. Hey, I don't CARE if someone hates my white cabs, but I think it's a rude thing to say on a kitchen message board where probably half the people have them.

It's this manners thing my Southern parents taught me. What can I say?

I read somewhere that one of the most frustrating things for a person is to be put in a "box." This means that, based on past experiences, the person is said to "always" be ____.

Trust me, I've done this to other people many, many times, and most of us have been on the receiving end of it, too. It's never a good situation. But what can you do? Can't change anyone, only yourself-- but it can still be very frustrating. It's something I am working on not doing to others, and am also helping my children understand this concept from both sides. It's a tough one.

Oakley, I thought of that too - - the time you said you "hated" mayonnaise, and how you were taken to task over it.

It's like watching the GW version of "Mean Girls".

...or maybe it was dried fruit or something you didn't like, not mayo. Don't remember exactly. I do remember a long conversation about disrespecting what others may like.

Oh, I thought the "need to create controversy" comment was about the use of controversy to title a thread. I guess not.

People do get singled out in here, don't they?, while others get away scott free. It's an interesting dynamic. I questioned people's absolute surety in handling a molestation situation and was told I should be a "member of Sandusky's defense team", when I had not questioned his absolute guilt in the least. I was talking about something else entirely.(and I admit being condescending in the process) But I chalk this up to poor reading comprehension in that situation, rather than being picked on, (and I could care less if people pick on me anyway, I don't know you enough to care). But there is no question that some people get picked on and some people can do no wrong. And some of the people who can do no wrong stir the pot as much as the people they accuse of it.

I thought it was a valid question, but my answer is still the same. The thread is titled to get people to read it and the original post started out with a statement like that but that is not really what it meant.

"I don't know you enough you to care" LOL

If one is so sadly affected by the words used here one must really suffer IRL.

Interesting comments. Mine was basically generic in nature, but I can see how it would apply to a number of comments posted here.

In my mind, iVillage is great at creating controversy ... whether it's a headline with a linked thread (see above), arbitrary rulings regarding postings, or the general lack of willingness to bring this site into the 21st Century.

I love that the criteria for hating something is money! That took the cake for me. It hurts pretty bad that just because my sauerkraut doesn't take an investment of a lot of money, it is ok to hate it. Alas, life is hard.

Pal, yes,some people do get picked on. It's a sad world when expect children not to do it but adults partake in mocking, sarcasm, etc. To me, this is a form of bullying.

Natal, LOL about the 21st century. So true. I always forget anyone is actually managing this site until someone's thread disappears or people get kicked off. In other forums you tend to know the moderators.

What I find interesting is that GW can do THIS but yet they can't make threads "sticky" to keep at the top. Like the "new to kitchens" thread, or the "how to post pictures".

I agree with the thoughts on all sides of the issue!

The headline was really negative--check! It's really no big deal--check! This use of language and how we process and respond to it is very thought provoking--check!

Most of us are much better at identifying what we don't like or want in our lives, and are more prone to speak about that, than to define clearly and speak about what we DO like! I am trying hard to turn that habit around myself. But it's so EASY to tick off a list of what I don't want to have, be, do, etc.!

The thoughts ramble in my head incessantly: I don't want to be selfish. I don't want to be irresponsible. I don't want to be unkind. I don't want my kitchen to look blah. On and on. I think we are better served by thoughts and statements about what we DO want, and will more likely reach our goals and objectives by using positive, active, "forward-moving" language. Also, the more specific we can be, the better.

I want to be other-oriented. I want to be responsible. I want to be kind. I want my kitchen to look fetching (a good start, but not nearly specific enough!) Sounds so much better...so much more empowering, yes?

Stinky, you are so right. Far more productive to focus on what we do want. Our minds reject the idea of "don't" anyway!

Our minds reject the idea of "don't" anyway!

Isn't that the truth! When my daughter was a toddler I took part in a parenting for toddlers class, and we learned to tell them what we wanted them to do, rather than what we didn't want them to do. The instructor pointed out that a small child (and I think this carries over to adults as well) will translate "don't drop that jar" to simply "drop that jar". What we really need to say is "hold on to that jar carefully".

Good point Anele, and what an excellent example, Terriks!
I can well imagine that many a child gets worn down by a day's worth of "don'ts!" Gentle, direct guidance that you modeled in your example would surely offer young children more effective learning opportunities, and lift, rather than beat down, their spirits! It's amazing how simple adjustments in our choice of wording can shift how we relate with other people (of all ages!) AND de-contaminate our own brain space!

That is exactly what we do in my classes! When we make rules and the kids come up with "Don't run in the hall" we ask them what we SHOULD do in the hall. Then, the rule can be written, "Walk in the hall." Much better approach, I think.

Exactly, Terriks, Stinky, and Cyn! I teach child development classes and challenge my students NOT to think of a pink, polka dotted elephant. Impossible for most of us. Like you said, putting things in a positive way is needed for us at all ages.

But as adults, we should be able to discern marketing and its cousins.
Lately, I am trying to be more aware of false reviews than anything else.

Maybe I'm blessed, but in my twenties I developed a profound sense of "I don't care what you think" attitude.

It has served me well although can come across as arrogant but isn't at all. I just used to be extremely insecure (needing others approval all the time, especially) and I'm not that way anymore.

The whole white kitchen thing falls into a "who cares" category.

BB, yes, that's another dimension to the issue. Marketing is getting sneakier, more "stealth." We do need to be savvy about such ploys.

Slight hijack here: thanks for the last few comments on this topic, you just helped me figure out a strategy for dealing with a thorny work/supervisor problem!

I am struggling with a manager who doesn't always understand the nuances of what is required to complete projects he dictates, especially projects that require a lot of legwork and cooperation (sound familiar?! :). I'm meeting w/him today and need to explain why something he wants scheduled isn't going to be happening on time...and it's really been worrying me because the reason it won't happen is that I have not and will not chase colleagues who are ignoring my requests that they assist, nor will I cave and do the work myself. That's in large part because I just got dinged on my performance review for taking on too much myself instead of collaborating or managing the people at my same administrative level. Why yes, it is a no-win situation thanks for asking.

Longwinded way of saying: I'm going to present it to him as 'well, let's see if we can reschedule X at a time when everyone is able to be part of it' rather than 'I can't do this on my own and nobody will help me do it'. This supervisor has a quick temper and doesn't like being told no, so framing it as a positive may make a huge difference in the conversation.

Thanks again GW thinkers, for some very powerful advice on what started as a pretty simple topic!

Ann

Runninginplace, your supervisor sounds simply charming, lol! Love your ideas...hope all goes well.

Also want to note some of my impressions from the discussion:

Anele, your work sounds fascinating. You sound passionate about it, and I know you adore being around children. I do believe you have found your true niche!

Cyn, the young people in your class are SO lucky to have you (& I'm sure you feel the same about them...most of the time!)

Terriks, the children in your life surely appreciate and benefit from your thoughtful guidance.

Yes, we went in a different direction, turning someone's pronouncement that they "hated" something into a discussion about how we can communicate with more positivity! Yay!

Bumble, I know exactly what you mean!! I have found as I have gotten older that I have that same attitude. It really doesn't bother me what others think. It is very freeing!

Running - hope it works out for you.

Unfortunately I'm not able to read through this entire thread at this time so this may have already been said, but it seems to me that often times good manners are ignored on a public internet forum such as g/w. I personally would never start an "I hate..." thread. It would seem logical that the OP would state she is looking for suggestions for a new kitchen using stained cabinets. What did the dislike for white kitchens add to the discussion other than to make those w/white kitchens feel bad? It just seems unnecessary to me. I wouldn't say it in person and I wouldn't write it on a public forum.

Well, it must just be a case of who is saying what , because in the "where is this poster" thread there are always people missing a person who "hated" so many things that a number of us had and made no bones about sharing her feelings.

francypants, I don't know who you're talking about, but your comment is intriguing! I think negative comments are more visible, and to be honest, sometimes they add interest. I'm not saying that's good, just human nature.

I agree that all comments shouldn't be positive. At least positive in the sense that all posting evolves into "this is what I did" and a 1000 oohs and ahhs afterward. It's great to hear differing opinions on a subject. The tricky part seems to be an awareness of where to draw the line. Silence is an oft underrated art.

Francy, I agree that silence is often an under-valued, under-utilized response, especially in real life!

In reference to feedback about decor, here, I think the original poster has a responsibility to be very clear about what he or she wants.

As in: "Here's my new sofa. I love it. Just sharing. If you don't love it too, don't want to hear from you." Or, "Here's my new sofa. I think I love it, but something is not quite right about it. What do you think the problem is? Please give me your unvarnished feedback. Is it the fabric, the color, the size, the shape, everything? Help!"

Ya know what I mean?

Well, it must just be a case of who is saying what , because in the "where is this poster" thread there are always people missing a person who "hated" so many things that a number of us had and made no bones about sharing her feelings.

An intriguing comment from someone fairly new to this board.

Ah, stinky, thank you for being the one to turn us to a more positive tone. You are always kind like that!

That's nice of you to say, Cyn! Hope you had a good day at school!

Had a great day-we are on vacation this week. Gotta love it!

Well since I am already sooooooo far out off the original topic about white kitchens, I'll just tell you all how my sitch worked out :).

I went in this morning with my attitude totally turned around, which was good because I was in a VERY bad, angry state before my gardenweb-induced epiphany.

And whaddaya know, the first person in my office today was one of the colleagues I was mad at, who came to tell me she and her assistant were desperately trying to do what was needed to get the program accomplished on the original deadline! Then I spoke individually to my other colleagues--the ones I thought were ignoring me--and each was cooperative and very relieved at my idea of postponing the program. Finally I met with my boss. I was able to go in with a genuinely positive attitude as well as a workable solution. He signed off immediately on the change I proposed and we're all good now.

Really, it is amazing how good this group is at sharing wisdom. I truly thank you all.

Ann

So great, Ann!!!!!

Woohoo, Ann. I LOVE happy endings! Sounds like things may be happier and running more smoothly at work from now on. That is wonderful.

Good job, Ms. Ann!