No registry.......You chose to spend the money for a wedding on a house....you can't have your cake and eat it too.
People will bring gifts....they will even give you wedding gifte when they hear you got married.
But registrys are for weddings....not for a housewarming party.
But you might tell your best friends and parents what you would like to get as a gift....if anyone were buying!
Linda C

Sounds to me like you are merly trolling for gifts.

I agree with Lindac. You opted to not have a wedding where you invite more than just immediate family. Since you're throwing a celebration party (for the marriage and the house), I suspect that people will bring gifts. But to set up a registry, showing that you're EXPECTING gifts, would be bad form, I believe. It would leave a bad taste in my mouth, anyway, if I were one of the invitees to the party. It would seem that you're having the party to get gifts that you didn't get because of the wedding choice you'd made.

I believe a registry to be for the convenience of the those who wish to purchase a gift but don't know what to get. I would do a registry but please don't advertise it. Those who wish to know will ask you or a relative. Also most stores will allow you to purchase remaining gifts off your registry for a nice discount for several months after your wedding so even if no one uses it, it may be a way to save you money. I also got many coupons from the store we registered. Since you are building a new house some folks may wish to bring a housewarming gift and that could be a useful guide for them as well.

I know its bad manners to advertise it. I would never do that. But a few people have already asked me where I was registered. Which at first I didnt think I should do. But since they asked, I thought maybe I should?

I am in no means "trolling for presesnts" my fiance and I have already lived together, so we have most of what we need (At least what we have replace since Hurricane Katrina, which is just the basics)

Then why are you considering registering? I am confused.

sorry- i didn't mean to imply that you would advertise but I've gotten invitations with WE ARE REGISTERED, SEND GIFT HERE(one even had a send by date)...yuck!

If people are asking, register and tell them where. Simple. I would rather buy off a list then rack my brain trying to guess. I have bought gifts for people I love or work with because I wanted to . Some had very small weddings or family only weddings and I wasn't invited- I bought a gift anyway. Weddings are a time to celebrate and not everyone can afford large wedding.

I agree with above...go ahead and register and if people ask, then tell them where you are registered. I too prefer to buy gifts off a list than come up with my own ideas. Don't include on any invitations that you are registered.
But I am also old fashioned enough to dislike the idea of people living together before marriage.

I have mixed feelings.. I mean you can have a reception at your house that takes place weeks after your wedding. Or, you can have a house warming party. First, I would decide what kind of party you are having. People themselves will be confused about what type of gift, if any to bring. Spell out the type of party you are having.

If you are in fact having a casual after the fact, wedding reception at your house, then yes, you could register.

If it's a housewarming, I generally wouldn't bother registering. But, I mean really, how do people know that you're not registering to help out Aunt Edna or your cousins who live in other states to pick out wedding gifts for you?

Though.. I've always sort of had problems with registries anyway. I know I keep going back and forth on this issue here. The whole concept of registries just seem wrong to me. Unless you are really putting together a china or crystal place setting,why would you need one especially if you already have a household in place? I'd let people bring what they want. I personally am willing to spend more when I don't feel I'm being told what to buy -registries make me feel that way. Granted, I think I'm one of the few people that prefer to not to buy something from the registry. If I'm going to buy what people have already picked out, I mind as well just give them money... a gift to me takes thought... registries take that out of the equation, IMHO. Are you sure you want/need to register? Don't you think you may appreciate the gifts given to you more if they were picked out by others and not by you?

I feel like Carla; in fact very seldom do I buy a gift from a registry unless it's china or crystal--certainly one needs to know the pattern and what pieces are needed to complete a place setting or service if that is what you want to give.

The first time I saw a "modern registry" other than china, crystal and silver, was around 1990. A young woman had selected bathroom trash cans, toothbrush holder, shower curtain, vegetable peeler, salad spinner, etc.

I couldn't remove from my mind the image of her following some salesperson around Bed Bath and Beyond or Target or wherever it was, saying, "okay, I'd like this, and this and this and this." It seemed a greedfest even in my mind.

If the couple is rather formal, I tend to give linen placemats and napkins; if not, turkish towels or sometimes silver candlesticks--something they might not buy for themselves but something they can truly use.

My daughters have already said they are not going to be registering for "stuff." I didn't either, and received some very nice, heartfelt gifts--most from people who have passed on in the last twenty-five years, and I remember who gave me each bowl, each platter, each dish with fondness for the giver.

And guess what? It's even more special because those people selected those items with me in mind--I didn't select them.

Well, on the flip side, I had two friends who did not register and they each received at least 20 picture frames amongst their gifts. But I do agree so much to do with registries today is materialistic and greedy.

Surely you jest... I had a pretty big wedding of over 250 people ...more or less got about 110 gifts (couples, families giving together, etc). I only got two frames... one a Waterford. (Although I did get one for a shower gift). Either your friends had really, really huge weddings or their friends are just really into frames! So like a third or fourth or so of their gifts were frames? Wow, I hope they didn't open them in front of everyone!

(FIRST, DISREGard the stupid typing - I hAVE a bAD KEYBOard!)

I reALLY THINK THat the registry debATE IS a regionAL ISSUE. I LIVE IN THE MIDWEST and A REGISTRY Is very common. Most brides do not put info ABOUT THEIR REGISTRIES ON THEIR INVITations, but most of the invited guests probABLY ask the bride to be or mother of the bride where they ARE REGISTERED.

yOU MENTIONED THat you ARE Having A SMall wedding for immediATE Family, so I rEally don't see A PROBLEM WITH REGISTERING. YOU are hAVING a wedding, AND IT IS NOT a solicitATION FOR GIFTS TO REGISTER. pEOPLE WHO DO NOT LIKE TO GIVE GIFTS FROM a registry hAVE THat choice, AND THOSE THat do will check your registry. If you ARE Having AN INFORMAL RECEPTION FOR a lARGER GROUP OF Family AND FRIENDS after your house is finished, you probABLY WILL RECEIVE smALLER GIFTS THat ARE MORE HOUSEWarming type. aS OTHER Have sAID, YOU WOULDN'T Want to ADVERTISE YOUR REGISTRY, BUT IF SOMEONE asks you cAN Say thAT YOUR REGISTRY IS STILL OPEN at such AND SUCH STORES. THE ONLY THING THat I would consider is the AMOUNT OF TIME THat pASSES FROM THE Date of your wedding AND THE Date of your "reception AT YOUR NEW HOUSE". iF IT IS a long time, then your inviTation should cleARLY STate thAT IT IS a housewARMING Party. Your wedding registry will probABLY BE CLOSED BY THEN anywAY. iF IT IS SHORTLY after the ceremony, then IT WOULDN'T BE a problem to cALL IT a reception. MANY COUPLES ELOPE OR Have destinATION WEDDINGS, and then lARGER RECEPTIONS FOR all when they return.

My initial reaction was that a registry was inappropriate for the situation you described, although I could see the sense in a small basic registry to help the gift-selection for the family members who will actually attend the small wedding ceremony. And that registry info should only be given to those who ask.

I agree with the other poster who said that modern registries have gotten weird (everything from vegetable peelers to trash cans). The last wedding I was invited to was out-of-state at a location that was too difficult for me to attend, so I asked for their registry information. Learning that the groom had registered at a fine import shop for very expensive men's gold jewelry did it for me. lol!

It was true Carla. I wasn't there when they opened the gifts so I don't know about that aspect but they both were surprised and I suspect, disappointed.
I got married about the same time and registered for "regular" items at two mainstream department stores and received all most all of my china, silverware, linens and such and continue to use them all today. I also received items, like placemats and napkins that were not on my registry but contained styles and colors that matched my china.

If used properly, registries are wonderful for equipping new couples with nice items for years of use.
But the way it is today...

It seems like there is always one thing a couple gets lots of. For us, it was glass pitchers -- I think we got 7 or 8. But they were all different sizes and shapes, so they all came in handy. Most have even survived all these years.

I'm not sure what it is about the OP's situation that sets off warning bells -- albeit very mild ones -- that a registry might seem a little bit offputting. There really isn't any reason they shouldn't register (provided, of course, they don't tell anyone about it unless and until they ask, and keeping the list reasonable, but those things apply to everyone). Somehow it feels that way to her mom, though.

Perhaps it is similar to the uneasiness that families sometimes have with a "destination" wedding, followed by a casual party at home. The concern is that the message is sent to the guests, "We didn't care if you were there with us as we got married, and we chose to spend our money just on ourselves, but there will be a cheap party for all of you, so that you will buy us gifts anyway." In the OP's case, though, they aren't indulging themselves extravagantly while skimping on their guests; they are having a small, private ceremony. Nothing wrong with that. Maybe some people would wonder why they don't just do the ceremony along with the party, but it's not like it's offensive.

Maybe it's that the existence of a registry indicates that the couple is assuming that people will care enough about them to buy them gifts -- but they didn't care enough about those people to want them at their wedding? Like, in an ideal world, no one would even know about or think about the registry unless they were invited to the wedding? What do you think?

Either way, I think they'll be fine, and I don't think the results will be very different, either. I doubt anyone will be offended or critical if they register, and I think people will buy them gifts anyway even if they don't. But I still feel like they need to be extra careful about how they "bill" that party, fill out their registry, and divulge registry information.

Maybe it's that the existence of a registry indicates that the couple is assuming that people will care enough about them to buy them gifts -- but they didn't care enough about those people to want them at their wedding?

The thing is, the OP noted that "a few people have already asked me where I was registered."

So... it seems to me that if someone asks, it's because they expect that she has registered and wouldn't think that it was a bad thing. However, my question is, do the people who have asked realize that the wedding is to be immediate family only and that they won't be invited? If so, then a-ok. But if they're asking about the registry because they assume they'll be invited.... well then it's a whole different story.

I too agree that regristries are out of hand, I posted a thread about that not too long ago. By registering for every little item in the housewares department you can end up with a bunch of junk that you don't need and not get the stuff you really do want.

Since you mentioned that you do already have most of what you need, what exactly will you be registering for? I think that may be the aspect of this that is setting off warning bells.

Here is a link that might be useful: Gift Registries - Completely out of control

Alright OP here. To answer all the questions-

We will be getting married on a Friday. Sleeping in our new house for the first time as husband and wife and then waking up to the party on Saturday.

We do have basics, but most of all this is hand-me-downs that were give to us directly after Hurricane Katrina put 8 feet of water into our apartment. We have the bare bones, I guess you would say.

We will be doing the ceremony with just our immediate family only, probably justice of the peace sorta thing. At the party a close family friend who is a priest will probably bless our marriage and say some magic words. (He isnt a priest in our religion, but he's known us for years and wanted to make a speech and bless the union.) So there will be sorta a wedding-y aspect to the day.

Everyone knows what the deal is with the wedding. The people who has asked where I was registered know that its a intimate ceremony with a big casual party the next day. I've gotten a really good response to the idea. Most people say that they wished they wouldnt have spent so much on a wedding and put the money towards property. A lot of people tell us they think we are doing a smart thing. Also, the people who have asked about the registry were completely baffled that I havent done it yet and that I wasnt sure if I would.

The party isnt going to cost too much. My dad owns a restaurant so we will get liqour at cost and I think someone he knows from there will be bartending. And the food is going to be pretty laid back, nothing too extravagant.

So, there it is. I think I answered as many questions as I could remember. Its interesting because I posted this on one other board that I am an active member of, and the response was everyone except one person said to do the registry. Its interesting how different groups have totally different perspectives. And thats why I wanted to get all of ya'lls opinions. Thanks for the response everyone!

Wish me luck, I've gotta be crazy trying to build a house and deal with getting married all at one time!

If you're getting married on Friday and having the reception on Saturday... then, yes, it sounds like a wedding reception, not a house warming party and people will be bringing you wedding gifts. A registry is not out of line. I think some of us assumed your party would be more like a house warming party a few weeks later, and that you would try to pass it off as part wedding reception to get wedding gifts. Call your party a wedding reception to not confuse matters... I don't think people care if they weren't invited to the family only type wedding the night before... most prefer the party! I wouldn't even bring up the word "house warming". I don't know why people feel the need to have "house warming" parties or ever refer to them that way anyway. But, that's another post!

I hope you house is done in time for everything ! Good luck.

I agree with carla3 -- the fact that the party is the very next day after you get married makes it feel very different to me! I, too, thought you meant weeks or even months after the ceremony. Certainly, go ahead and register -- it won't look strange at all.

I also agree with carla that you should just call it a wedding reception and leave "house warming" out of it. I know you are very excited about your new home, too, but you can put in that news simply by inserting "at our new home" before the address on the invitations.

Congratulations!

The one time I looked at a registery, the items were so expensive, I didn't buy anything. I knew the bride's parents & knew the bride when I saw her, but didn't "know" her. Since what they listed was way out of my budget, I elected to skip it.

I agree with Gellchom....call it a reception, note it will be at your new home. Friends/family all know the facts, anyway. And wedding gifts are for the couple's home - at least the majority of the time.

That's interesting Jayokie because I'm finding the flip side. I don't mind buying a crystal goblet or piece of china but I don't like buying a $7.99 vegetable peeler from the registry.
I like to think that what I give will last a lifetime and be passed down. Yeh...

Last year a friend was married and they had the strangest things on their gift registry. Automatic kitty litter pan, dvds, and I can't remember what all. I could not believe all they had. Very strange to me!

I dont see any reason why you shouldnt register....this party will be your "wedding reception" kinda. Some might find a regiistry very helpful. A small suggestion if you do....dont put Waterford,Lenox and real high end things as then you will look as if its all about the gifts.

I respectfully disagree with eileenlaunonen. I think that view almost turns the idea of a registry --which was originally ONLY, or at least primarily, for things that come in patterns; how else could you get them? -- on its head. If I saw patterns on a registry, even if they were Lenox, Waterford, or whatever, it would fine to me -- in fact, probably better than a long shopping list of everyday items.

Most people only get fine china, crystal, and silver if they register for them at the time of their wedding. So even a couple that already has all the basics for housekeeping might still need those.

A registry of patterns of things that will be used for a lifetime more wedding-y to me -- and therefore more appropriate to suggest to wedding (reception) guests -- than the other kinds of gifts. Just MHO. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with the other items, just that I disagree that the OP or anyone else should leave OFF china, crystal, etc.

since the "reception" is the next day....of course register....but not for can openers and bathroom scales, but register for things like silver, crystal and both fine china and every day china...even high end bed linens, or table linens. But don't make a registry a listing of things you would be willing to have as you go through a store.
I once went to a "Tacky wedding" ( and we won't mention the shower, where wew ere asked to send in our money for our dinner, our portion of the bride's dinner and more money for a group gift.) the registry was at Wal Mart and they had registered for everything from pizza cutters to coffee pot to garbage cans kitchen towels etc etc.
I bought a coffee pot and sent in my money for the shower, minus my dinner and didn't attend.
Linda C

I agree with Gellchom --- wedding gifts should be fancier, heirloom-type things like the china, crystal, silver, etc. When I see things on a registry like vegetable peelers, I assume those are on there as suggestions for showere gifts (i.e. kitchen showers, etc.). If you are already past the point of having showers, then you should just register the pattern-type things and nice items ---not things to set up your household.

I want to stress that I don't think that guests must buy expensive crystal, china etc. pieces just because they are on the registry, even if they are the ONLY things on the registry. Buy what your budget and relationship to the couple or family dictate. I guess that's why the price of the patterns wouldn't offend me; I know I don't have to buy off the registry.

We've strayed a little from the OP's situation. I think she might need to be extra careful to make sure her registry doesn't look like a long shopping list. Not only
are these people not invited to the wedding itself, she writes that the event will be a "huge ... [v]ery casual party with everyone we know being invited." If she means they really are inviting EVERYONE, not just people close enough to invite to even a large wedding, then I would make sure that the registry doesn't look like it is designed in contemplation of EVERYONE they know buying them wedding gifts.

And frankly, if this party is to serve as their wedding reception, I would think twice before inviting everyone they know. It's just too likely that at least some of these people, especially those who aren't especially close, will see it as a way of maximizing their take for a low outlay on their own part.

I know that's not the OP's intention; I'm just concerned that some guests might see it that way, especially if there is a long registry list. I assume she wants to avoid anyone getting that impression.

It seems like the discussion has turned to WHAT the op should register for instead of IF she should register. And the opinions seem to revolve around the fact that the party is a bit out of the ordinary, because it is really a combination wedding reception/house warming. No matter what she calls it, it's clearly both because she's inviting people that she might not invite to a wedding reception but would invite to a house warming party.

It's obvious that most of us here are not fans of the current registry trends where people register for a laundry list of miniscule items such as vegetable peelers. But I don't see anything wrong with registering for all the typical things she would have registered for under normal circumstances. Whether that is a china pattern, waterford crystal glasses, etc. or toasters and kitchen towels.

Some think she should avoid looking greedy and not list expensive items. But my question is, how does that feel different that any other couple who register for expensive items? Why would it make the OP look greedy and not any other bride? As gellchom points out, no one has to buy off the registry, and certainly no one should feel obligated to buy the high $$$ items on the registry even if they do.

Personally I don't like the veggie peelers & relaxation CDs that I've seen either. But ultimately those choices are up to the bride & groom. So it comes down to what advice the OP really wants. Yes, we all agree, based on the circumstances she's described, she should register. So at that point, it seems to me that what to register for becomes almost moot. She's a bride registering for gifts, people will decide what to buy based on their "budget and relationship to the couple", and that's that.

Again, the fact that people are asking means that at least they see this as the same as any other wedding: they want to buy a gift and are looking for guidance from the couple in the form of a registry. Those who don't ask will either buy a gift (and spend what they feel is appropriate) or not based on what their perception of the event is.

What she registers for should be perceived no differently than how what any other bride registers for is seen.

Way back when.....couples didn't "register" at certain stores. They picked out patterns and chose their china, silver, crystal everyday dishes and their "colors"...that is the colors they wanted in their new home. Then peoplea re free to chose what they want, but they know the bride's tastes.
last summer a cousin's daughter was married and registered at Marshall Field's. Her sterling was about $240 a 4 piece place setting. I went to an on line discount silver place and bought one for half that.
My daughter picked out her china, sterling and crystal at the highest end jewelry store in the area. But I let it be known that all was available at Ross Simons for much less.
The stores will tell you that the advantage of registering is that you can return duplicates....baloney! Any store will accept returns. The stores also say it's so buyers will know when your set is complete....again I say bosh! Return what you have too much of and buy what you don't have.
In reality its' to keep all the business for your wedding in that store! And....some stores will order say 12 place settings and if you don't get them as gifts you are obligated to buy the rest.
I say, pick out rather than "register"...register for a few things like toasters and sheet sets and table linens, but choose your pattern in tableware.
Again, a few years back in more gracious times and places the question was "Has she, or have they chosen their patterns yet?" not where are they registered.
Linda C

I still like registering patterns, Lindac -- although I certainly wouldn't register at a store where they required you to buy what your guests don't. I've never even heard of that. Is that tied to a discount or something?

When I look at a registry, I like to see how the patterns are filling in; sometimes it influences my choice.

It was fun "back when" in the days of registering patterns and colors and maybe a very few other items. The store where I registered had a pretty dining table set up with a wedding centerpiece and a place setting from each of 8 brides with an upcoming wedding. At each place was a card saying "the bride selects" and then the names of the china, crystal, and flatware patterns. It was fun to see the different combinations people chose (and it gave me some ideas, too). If they still do it, the cards probably now say "bride and groom," or I guess "groom/groom" or "bride/bride"!

You know, one thing about all these very long lists of other items I always wonder about. Most couples seem to register at the same stores. If they are getting all their stuff from kitchen items to wastebaskets and picture frames at the same places, don't all their homes look pretty much the same? You could probably tell what year they got married by identifying the colors featured at Pottery Barn or Target that year!

Well, I have re-read the op's original question, and it is a rather strange situation. I'm not sure I would do the type of party she is suggesting at the time she is suggesting. One question comes to mind now -- how will the invitations be worded? Rarely do you invite everyone you know to a wedding reception. So if some think they are just coming to a casual party at your house (and the invites do not say "wedding", they may not even think to bring wedding gift. They may feel very awkward when they arrive and see a table full of wedding gifts from others. If you do put "wedding" on the invites, and invite everyone you know, then I think it does sound like you are just fishing for lots of gifts.

If you are having a "small immediate family only ceremony" for your wedding, maybe you should invite that group over for your reception. Then wait a while (a month or so) for the party with everyone you know, and just have a party -- don't call it a wedding party or housewarming party. That way there will be no confusion as to what people should do about gifts, and people won't feel obligated to buy you gifts. The people that care about you and feel close to you will buy you gifts whether or not they are invited to the ceremony. I have done that for friends that have had very small, family ceremonies. I do it because I care, not because I feel forced from some sense of obligation from parties or registries.

If you truly are having this party just to be with all of your friends and not for the gifts, then waiting a month or two won't really make any difference. And, it will give you more time to get settled into your new home and marriage.

dlynn, I think that is very wise advice. It's the "everyone we know being invited" that rang the alarm bells.

I'm only posting to add that I still think it would be okay to register, for the benefit of "the people that care about you and feel close to you [who] will buy you gifts whether or not they are invited to the ceremony."

Based on the info that the OP posted, I don't see any reason why she shouldn't have a gift registry at one or even 2 different stores.

Based on the info provided, she is really going to host a wedding reception the day after her wedding, which is an immediate family attendance only.

It may have been that originally gift registries where full of hugely expensive items of crystal, silver, and very costly place settings, but that was then not now.

Why should there be a restriction on what should and should not be placed on a gift registry for a wedding? Why is it wrong to have a vegetable peeler or shower curtain or anything else?

Many couples have set up gift registries at the local home depot or hardware store. Those stores have the type of merchandise that the couple would like to have for gifts.
They may or may not be interested in fancy dishes, silverware etc.

Isn't the idea of a gift to buy something that the recipient would like, not what you like or believe they recipient should like or want?

Something that the OP posted in her second post really seems to have been missed by just about everyone that has posted.

We do have basics, but most of all this is hand-me-downs that were give to us directly after Hurricane Katrina put 8 feet of water into our apartment. We have the bare bones, I guess you would say.

Key words being basics, hand-me-downs. We have the bare bones, I guess you would say. given after Hurricane Katrina put 8 feet of water into our apartment

This couple lost everything during a catastrophic hurricane. They have hand me downs they are using. building a new home instead of a huge fancy wedding.

They don't sound like a couple that is looking for the fancy stuff of a traditional wedding registry, but rather the basics that are new and not "hand me downs."

Things like new pots and pans, kitchen knives, bath towels, linens, a decent set of dishes, glasses.

They sound like very, very practical young people and want to share their joy of getting married and having a new home with their friends and family.

A practical couple will not be looking for the lenox crystal, waterford, etc.

In today's economy, a registry of practical gifts, at practical prices, located at stores that sell items that won't break the bank for anyone is exactly what this couple should do.

People today don't have a lot of free cash to spare, so being able to buy a practical item that is on a gift registry is wonderful for them. If the items are small and not costly, several items can be purchased by 1 person and made to look like quite a bit.

I am not young either and I've been married for almost 34 years. I've never had the lenox or the waterford or any of the fancy sterling sliver nor have I ever wanted it, nor do either of my children or friends.

I've been to quite a few weddings over the years, including several in the past 7 years. None of the gift registries had the fancy stuff on it, none of the couples, bride or groom wanted any of it.

Yes, the cute stuff was on it, the veggie peelers, the knives, the shower curtain etc. and guests where hugely impressed with those items that where listed, the economic thoughts that went into the selections on the gift registries, and no one, young or old, ever thought that gift registries where cheap or shouldn't have had those items on it.

In this economy, people don't know if they will have a job from one day to the next, be able to pay the bills or have a home to live in.

Setting up gift registries for bridal showers, weddings and putting those old fashioned absurdly priced items on them is not the thing to do. These registries need to have the basics on them that a couple will need and want, not the fancy stuff. Unless one is thinking that they could pawn the gifts off somewhere and obtain cash for them.

That's just my opinion and hope this couple does register for gifts and has a list that is practical and useful and forgets the fancy stuff that will probably never be used.

I'd love an update from cursivesailor, has this party happened yet ? did she register, what did she get ?