I agree with Dilly completely on the tv situation too.
One thing dh encounters often, is someone who tells him they can't pay the rent because they had to make their car payment. He'll say back, well, you can live in your car, then.

You need to get your expenses down to the bare bones and tv is a luxury. I didn't have one for many years.

I do hope that you would be reimbursing your landlord for the remaining balance for the month (or months) once some money starts coming in again. You should state that in your letter.

Good point about the roommate!

3D, I, too, just don't understand why you're considering getting additional tv service. You need to find other entertainment, like reading, that doesn't involve spending any money. $45/mo for the phone is also just too much. You should look into an emergency hookup with limited service, because you should have phone service for emergencies. If thats not possible for some reason, Vonage, if it's in your area, has a regular plan that is only $20/mo, which includes other fees.

You need to live extremely sparingly and put every extra penny into the kitty jar. This truly is not the time for any extra spending. Even if you get some money coming in, you don't know for how long. How are you going to care for your animals if you lose the house?

You are also asking others to give you their own hard-earned money, and even to provide luxuries for yourself. Just as with the donations we all sent in, where at least some of us thought you needed money for food and shelter and where some of us gave you money that we really didn't have to give. Seeing it go for decorating items was truly disturbing and an irresponsible use of what funds you had been given to survive on.

3D, remember, if you canÂt pay your obligations now, you can pay them later when the economy and your health improves and you are back on your feet making a decent living again. Bankruptcy is unfair to others to whom you owe money. YouÂve got a good education and job skills, enabling you to make a good living down the road.

Please think more about what you are doing.

Squirrel, I don't think 3d has ever solicited money. It was generously volunteered by members here. What someone does with a gift is their business. What should matter is that you did the right thing by giving it.

---
Haven't most of us ASKED her to keep us updated? Hasn't this board demonstrated itself to be a great place for emotional support? Job loss/health issues are not isolated problems. Trying to reach out to people who could be going through the same thing is understandable.

I will not defend bankrupcy or Dish tv, but I do think continued empathy and ideas that could get 3D back on her feet are important.

Well, I don't think I did the right thing, and also felt misled. Who'd have thought we'd be seeing new items for the house? That wasn't its intended purpose and didn't follow course with her statements about what her situation and needs were. I also disagree with you on the other point. I do think that money has and is being solicited, just in an indirect manner. These are my rightful opinions and it has been expressed by others here also, so I'm not alone. She should know how others feel about that. If she'd used the donations wisely, it would have felt worthwhile, as it did at the time. Otherwise, I prefer to give to those that really need it and won't squander it on frivilous items -- wants instead of needs. I don't donate to organizations that send out all those wasteful gifts and stamps, either, even if they are 'free,' provided by other companies. That same money could be used for the cause.

I think you need to stop and think about what you're doing 3D. It is not good advice, imo, which supports the irresponsible spending of what money you have on things that aren't necessary for you and your pet's survival. You might have bought some extra time, and maybe even just enough time, by having saved what money and generosity came your way.

Think.

I wasn't aware that 3D had bought things for her house. I know she was talking about file cabinets, but wasn't aware that she bought one. I know she talked about a bench, but wasn't aware she bought one. She did, if I correctly recall, buy some linens on sale at Dillards, but later said that she returned them.

If keeping us updated on her story has been an indirect way of pandering then she must not be doing too good a job at it.

JMHO. I respect yours as well, Squirell. Whether it is tough love or a sympathetic shoulder, I just hope something helps make a positive differnce in 3D's life.

I think you should take down the post with your personal email or get GW to delete it.

Well, she did. And it wasn't gift money.

No, I don't think keeping us Updated is pandering. There are some times and posts along the way that do come across that way, though. As far as whether it's worked or not, we have no way of knowing whether people are sending money her way. That's certainly their own business, how they spend their own money. But it's not right to mislead people about sending cash for living expenses. Even though some may not care.

3D, I hope you've contacted one of the women's groups that were posted. They would have tons of ideas, resources, support groups, and likely someone to sit down with you to work up a step-by-step plan for getting yourself and your finances organized. Maybe even some roommates to take up residence with elsewhere.

Squirrel, I don't think 3d has ever solicited money. It was generously volunteered by members here. What someone does with a gift is their business. What should matter is that you did the right thing by giving it.

Agree 100%. So often if there are expectations attached to a gift or monetary donation (which is by definition a gift or contribution for benefit of another) it can cause the giver to bristle if those expectations aren't met. An alternative to the giver might be a more direct path in line with their own expectations. In a scenario like this, perhaps paying a utility bill or a grocery gift certificate. Tho there's still room for getting upset if the giver learns of a what they deem a nonessential or treat purchase. Such as a 'well heck, I pay his utility bill this month and he goes out and buys xyz...'. IMVHO it's just best to let the gift/donation go when it's gone and know the giving came from the heart. Otherwise, perhaps it's best not to give at all.

Also, I personally interpret Eileen's posts, even if specific about cost of items, as her personality. She seems to be a very open person who feels comfortable and among friends here. An endearing trait (not given to pretense or hiding behind a screen), if not perhaps a little naive at times given it's the web.

Eileen, I did want to chime in a bit from yet another LLs point of view. Not to be harsh, but to spare you grief, please do heed mrsmarv's suggestions! Also, it's my position a roommate absolutely needs to be on lease for liability reasons (so roommate has signed a hold harmless clause which is standard on a lease, etc.). Of greater importance, it would be a means of protection for you as well. If you count on roommate's rent, budget accordingly, and roommate suddenly offers lame excuses and doesn't have the $, it's going to fall on you. Because you're the only one LL can come after legally if you're the only one named on the lease. He can't go after roommate because she's not party to the written contract. So it would be of benefit to you to get permission and get them added to the lease as well.

Also, about a satellite dish installation. If you pursue it, please do ask permission before drilling holes in roof, brick or siding. If install goes south it could cause you some issues if you've not obtained written permission. I was speaking with our attorney once and this came up. A tenant had installed a dish on a roof without getting permission and I wasn't too happy. I wanted to know if I could put in future leases that satellite dishes were prohibited on roofs (don't want some goof ball installer doing damage, causing a leak etc, or pulling one providers dish off and being replaced with another when tenants change, etc.)

What our attorney said is that I cannot deny satellite installation on roof or structures without giving an alternative, or I would then find myself in a situation where I'm in violation of FCC ruling and getting into an area of infringing on tenant's rights. So with his blessing, I have a clause in lease that no dishes are to be installed anywhere on structures, but a pole in the yard is acceptable. Worked out fine, no complaints from anyone, no holes in our buildings. So that would definitely be one to run past your LL first.

Keep your chin up, kiddo!

I guess I will have to start packing up. Maybe put most everything in storage (how much does that cost, I wonder?) and live in a smaller place or move way out somewhere or in a bad neighborhood where the house rent is cheap. Or even leave the state.

The roommate lady never responded to my email. Plus I do not think I can have a roommate according to my lease either.

Good point about LL seeing satellite dish. So I can pack up the small tv's and phones since I will not be using them.

Vonage needs an internet connection to work from what I understand - I no longer have that.

$45 a month for a cell phone with unlimited minutes and text is dirt cheap. Much cheaper than my Sprint phone. I need long distance to have no extra charges since everyone I know does not live here.

Look, I am wrong about so many things especially about posting anything about my life here. Whatever I say seems to cause such a bad reaction. Sorry if I upset anyone.

Anyone who was kind enough to give me donations which I never asked for or even suggested, thank you. It went to get me into this present house when my previous landlord was forcing me out to move his mother in there. All of the money went to the new landlord for 1 1/2 months rent and security deposit. I thought I would be able to find a new job by now. No luck. I also thought that I would be much better physically by now but it seems I was wrong about that too.

Take care everyone. I think I have to step up my prayer time since God is the only one in charge of my life.

I will be filing for bankruptcy. I can never make enough money to pay back the $65,000 for radiation that the insurance company refused to pay. And the doctor's office took the case all the way to the top as far as they could go. And that's just one bill. I have many, many others.

Good luck to all of you. God bless.

Good luck to you Eileen; things have a way of working out even if it looks pretty desolate at times.

You're right, Vonage does need cable. If you plan to get a phone at that rate, isn't it close to the same amount to get internet service? I'd get the net instead and then use a MagicJack internet phone for $20/year (only $1.70 month). You might also find bare-bones phone service for those in financial need.

Have you tried applying for temp work, outside of your field? Administrative and clerical work is often in demand after companies have laid off their permanent staff.

Do try the Women's Center for assistance. And contact your children. Maybe one of them can take you in for a while.

btw, store is very expensive. I don't think it's worth it except for very, very short term interims.

Eileen, my 2 cents about filing for bankruptcy.. I wouldn't do it until you are "done" so to speak with your cancer treatments. You very well could be left with more bills that aren't covered, then what? From what I know (relative filed a year ago) you can file one time.

I also agree with whoever mentioned living in a manufactured home. They are fairly inexpensive to buy, then you pay a lot fee. I know a single mother that had to do it and so far it's worked out fine. I know a lot of people look at it as "trailer trash" but it depends on where you live. I don't know your age and if you'd be able to look into a 55 and above place.

Also look into a Verizon pay as you go. My son's friends have them, they say it costs about $30-$40 per month. Verizon to Verizon is free, not sure if you would get the 10 most called non Verizon numbers included. If you talk on the phone a lot and most of your people use Verizon it would probably be cheapest. This is why they switched.

Do you know of anyone with a laptop with a wireless connection? This would allow you to know if there is wireless service near you. If so, you might be able to access the net with a wireless card on your computer.

I meant 'storage' is expensive.

So tired when I posted earlier I hadn't read this entire thread.

There is some good sound advice here. But how utterly humiliating some of the words must feel. Eileen, you've responded with your typical grace.

I've been thinking that after all Eileen has been through in such a very short time. Maybe, just maybe, she can't even think straight. She's put up a brave front and a brave fight but she's got to be physically, emotionally and mentally wiped out and the ride isn't over for her. It's hard to fathom how she functions through it all, let alone stays focused. Maybe she hasn't made choices that seem like the best, or that others here would have made. We've all made decisions that maybe weren't such great judgment calls just from something as simple as lack of sleep. It must be so hard to have to get it right every time when you feel like crap and have been knocked to your knees.

Good and strong as her attitude is (her best weapon) even the strongest have dark moments and fleeting doubt. In those moments who wouldn't crave normal, want to feel better, momentarily escape from the barrage of problems. So she got a steal of a deal on a simple bedspread and wanted to share. It was ages ago. But by golly there are some here that aren't going to let her forget what an awful lapse in judgment that was. If it helped her at the time and made her smile, there are others here who would have bought her ten bedspreads and smiled right along with her.

And she never, ever asked for one red cent from anyone here. So for those who sent something to help and feel scammed, you should ask for a refund. Seriously. Eileen scored and you got the raw end of this cancer/job loss/home loss deal.

You are in my thoughts, Eileen.

There but for the grace of God...

There but for the grace of God...
so well said bungalow house.

Some of you show such love and caring and willingness to help Eileen. I would hope that you would be there cheering for me if I needed it. I would be so blessed to have you as friends.

Others of you remind me of a musical I saw a few years back. It had a song in it with a couple of lines that have stuck with me. They went something like this:
"I'm holier than thou, I've got it now."

moonshadow, thank you for saying what I could not put into words.

Eileen,

I am so sorry you are in this place right now. Your health is iffy, your home is iffy and I do find myself fretting over you. I know praying is a good thing but also remember to use his strength to keep fighting.

My mom used to say "When God closes a door, he always opens a window."

Your friend,
Golddust

Moonshadow, it wasn't just the bedspread. There have been a series of posts in the last six months by Eileen about things she has purchased. Not large purchases, but non-essential things. Maybe you can say these purchases don't matter in the larger scheme. But I fear she is not thinking clearly, and needs someone to point out that subscribing to Dish Network is not a good idea.

I'm not condemning her, it's not a holier than thou attitude. When you see a friend going down a road that is destructive - financially or otherwise - you need to be honest with them. That's helping them.

We are going to have to agree to disagree on this one. Eileen needs friends like you, but she needs a group of realists in her life as well.

*Obviously, Eileen is not thinking straight. And you're not doing her any favors, or being her friend, by supporting and enabling her bad spending habits. She has demonstrated this over and again for some time now. Apparently this is why her own family members dont want to help her. She needs sound advice that will keep her off the street. That does not include buying frivolous home décor (?!) items, that you feel will comfort her. She may end up homeless or may not be able to keep her beloved pets. I find it a no-brainer which is more important and what is better for her.

When someone has no money to live, the last thing on their mind is keeping the tv, buying home décor items, or spending $45/mo on phone service.

Eileen, you need to go to the Womens Center for support and assistance, as was suggested to you (and frowned upon) when you first started buying décor items with your lifeline of survival funds.

Maybe it isn't what we say that counts but how we say it. Constructive advice is generally given with a bit of sensitivity. Friends can be honest and still hold a person's heart, KWIM?

3D, For the phone you could also check out other pre-paid plans. I have Verizon service. The phone was $20 and I am required to add $20 every 3 months to keep the phone active or I could purchase a $90 card to keep it active for an entire year. The minutes are $0.25 each which sounds expensive but I use the phone very little. To contact people out of state, you could get long distance cards and use a landline. Another option is to keep in touch with people through e-mail or the good old fashioned post-office, at 0.49 per letter (or whatever it is now) it is still a bargain.

I do hope your trials ease soon and I hope that you can find somebody trust worthy to help you navigate these many mines in your path.

What moonshadow said, especially this.

"It must be so hard to have to get it right every time when you feel like crap and have been knocked to your knees."

Dear Eileen....Please keep in touch with us. There are plenty of people here who are concerned for you and want to know how you are. Please don't let some others push you away. hugs, Diane

No one said she 'scored' or needed to get it right every time. Those are manipulative fabrications.

3D, I'm keeping you in my thoughts.

I'm remembering a time when I was very sick. I didn't have the financial challenges that you are having and I also had my family and children right by my side. Stepping back in time a little bit and trying to imagine all that you are going through. Some of the guidance you are getting here is good, solid, firm advice. Take each day as it comes and worry about only what you can do, not what you can't do.

Be strong like I know you can be. Maybe, talking with someone at a therapists office will help you. When we are overwhelmed we can make iffy decisions about our future.

Also, moonshadow, you said so well, "It must be so hard to have to get it right every time when you feel like crap and have been knocked to your knees." Especially when you don't have family surrounding you to help you with decisions about your future and health.

Be well Eileen. Please come back and report how you are doing. Some of your freinds really are concerned for you.

Wait a minute. She went through a period a while back when she was quite ill,but since then, thank goodness, she is better. She is out gardening, shopping, and sewing, she has been working part time, she attended the job training class and would have had a full time job had it been as advertised. She's not bedridden. Don't make excuses for her financial decisions.

I keep thinking of the celebrity drug addicts who get surrounded by enablers and avoid the people giving them good advice.

Eileen mentioned on this forum that her son is paying recent rent, I do think if luck comes her way jobwise, she could be back on track within a few months and we would all rejoice for her.

"I keep thinking of the celebrity drug addicts who get surrounded by enablers and avoid the people giving them good advice."

Okay, I am going to try to forget you said that. Even the suggestion that her life has *anything* in common with a celebrity drug addict is offensive.

Compassion is not enabling. I will go one step futher and assert that some of the best and most constructive advice has been given with compassion.

My mother used to say, "There are two ways to say everything. One is more effective than the other."

I'm not comparing Eileen to a celebrity drug addict, and you know that. I am comparing the responses she is getting. Some people here have encouraged her spending.

Wow. Just, wow. This poor woman is still healing from something that could have taken her life - something she dealt with virtually alone, and still dealing with difficult and nasty side effects of losing a major organ to the scariest disease of our generation that prevents her from holding a normal job.

No one is saying direct tv is a great idea but there are ways to say things and there are ways to say things. This from a self proclaimed straight shooter. But sheesh. My jaw is hanging. And yes, let's take her out and shoot her for gardening and sewing and doing ANYTHING in her life that might give her a little pleasure - because surely she should not be doing that while the bills are piling up!

Graywings: No, I don't, "know that." The way I read your comment was that drug addicts choose to surround themselves with enablers just as you believe that Eileen is choosing to surround herself with enablers.

But she ISNT choosing to surround herself with enablers. She is choosing to surround herself with friends.

WAYY different.

Maybe it isn't what we say that counts but how we say it. Constructive advice is generally given with a bit of sensitivity. Friends can be honest and still hold a person's heart, KWIM?

Bless you golddust, I love that, especially the last line.

*Obviously, Eileen is not thinking straight. And you're not doing her any favors, or being her friend, by supporting and enabling her bad spending habits. She has demonstrated this over and again for some time now. Apparently this is why her own family members dont want to help her. She needs sound advice that will keep her off the street. That does not include buying frivolous home décor (?!) items, that you feel will comfort her.

sqh, I'm having a really hard time biting my tongue here with you. You don't know me. You don't know what I've seen or experienced with this disease in my own life. You don't know where I'm coming from at all. How dare you be so pompous as to label me as some clueless, illogical, bleeding heart enabler. You Don't Know. And you presume a lot. About me. About where I'm coming from. About Eileen. About Eileen's family.

I've told you off countless time and deleted most of it. Ultimately your own words speak volumes. So I'll leave it at that. Except I'll make you an offer, and I'm quite serious. Email me a copy of your PayPal receipt or canceled check and a way to get the money to you and I'll see that you get your donation back. Because you have not let up on that, or this woman, since last winter.

To anyone else who gives a rip or thinks I'm a giant marshmallow and not a realist, golddust's words have explained my stance better than I could. I have no inclination to explain or defend my position in gory detail other than to say I've seen first hand in someone beloved what this disease can do to the mind, body, and the human spirit. It is a trip to hell. Because at its worst, this disease is a vile, wicked Beast that shows no mercy and strips its victim to a bare naked soul, helpless as a baby, void of even so much as a shred of dignity. On those dark days the prayers are for things as simple as being able to consume juiced fruits or seeing a familiar twinkle in the eye or smile on the face, or please dear god, some relief from the suffering. That's what's burned in my memory forever, that's where I'm coming from, and no amount of finger wagging lecturing will ever change the way I feel toward anyone who has suffered, to any degree, from this ruthless disease.

And yes, let's take her out and shoot her for gardening and sewing and doing ANYTHING in her life that might give her a little pleasure - because surely she should not be doing that while the bills are piling up!

Lisa, I mentioned those activities not as condemnation but in contrast to how Moonshadow portrays her, physically, emotionally and mentally wiped out and the ride isn't over for her. It's hard to fathom how she functions through it all, let alone stays focused.

She is actually functioning pretty well, and Moonshadow's comments and yours are enabler's excuses for her spending money on non-essentials when she is in dire financial circumstances.

As I have said before, we all need to agree to disagree on this issue.

Moonshadow - Here Here!

One of my dearest friends is going through palliative chemotherapy for stage4 colon cancer. Once an international traveler for her profession, her life is now about how to find small comforts and pleasures in an ordeal of nausea, diarhhea, hemorrhoids, weight loss, nose bleeds, hair falling out, neuropathy that forces her to wear gloves when reaching into the fridge, and other symptoms too numerous to mention. I have never seen such courage in my life. So even if she were facing bankruptcy, but wished for a few faux flowers and a bedspread to brighten the room, I could not say "But do you REALLY NEED this?"

So when she bought a DVD player for her bedroom and joined Netflix - because the greatest comfort she has is curled up in bed with her three cats and an amusing movie, if she's not watching cable TV - I said Way To Go, let's talk movies.

None of us, even those who have loved ones with this despicable disease, can truly understand the loneliness, heartache and suffering that is attached to the battle that must be fought. One would hope that there would be simple human kindness in empathizing with someone whose family is elsewhere - my friend's family, all older, is in Europe.

Wishing you the best, Eileen. I don't know about Phoenix, but in Tucson there are some quite nice doublewide parks. Not suggesting that you move to Tucson, but there must be decent options in your part of the desert. And, BTW, storage space is pretty spendy. DH pays $80 a month to rent a space for boxes of stuff from his parents that he can't sort out yet. Those compartments would not begin to hold real furniture.

Eileen, I just want to send you some big gentle e-hugs and best wishes for things turning around in your life in a huge positive way very soon. Bless your heart for all you've been through, and you're such a trooper. Keep your chin up and I hope we'll be hearing good news from you very soon. We're all pulling for you!

I have tried to stay out of this but I must say, Moonshadow, what a compassionate person you are. I will agree, until you have lived through this disease either yourself or with a loved one, you CANNOT know what it does to the person, to their spirit, etc.

Why shouldn't an email address be listed??? Someone asked for it. I've seen it done countless times on the board. Eileen's sharing too much personal financial history??? Again, that's been done many, many times before. There's a thread right now where members have responded some fairly private financial info.

Maybe every decision made hasn't been the wisest, but how many times have any of us here made an unwise decision? Frankly, I don't see people enabling her and it is insulting for someone to call others on that. I do agree that we need to disagree on this because it's obvious there is not harmony on this subject. Wouldn't it just be better to keep those negative thoughts to yourself? In light of all that Eileen has gone through - and she is not over this - yes, she may be doing well and I certainly hope so, but this is a long battle. Her body is still recovering. There needs to be a little compassion here for what she has gone through. And a little less ASSUMING. How does anyone here know what her family thinks? What happened with her last landlord, etc. (I thought he made her move out?). Maybe Eileen has posted these things, if so, forgive me. I don't keep track of every little item to throw it up to her at a later date.

I digress. Exactly why I probably shouldn't have added to this thread. I mainly did so because I admire the stance Moonshadow has taken. I may be an optimist, but I hope I can continue for the best in a person, wish them the best, rather than tear some one apart at such a hard time in their life.

tina

Moonshadow - I do believe that should have read Hear Hear!, lol.

sable, you've been around me too long. LOL!

"Why shouldn't an email address be listed?"

Because she's looking for work, writing about her landlord, and so on. GW posts show up in Google searches. I'm shocked at the level of naivite here. I'm not suggesting that she's done anything wrong but there's no privacy on the internet, and most employers will Google search an applicant. It's not illegal.

Threegrad can put her personal email on her own page. Frankly, posting an email address that incorporates her name is rather shortsighted. Personally, I'd have a personal one and one for work-related things, and not intermix the two. G-mail and Yahoo don't care how many addresses you set up.

If you look at your phone bill, you'll see that you pay a tax. This tax goes for lifeline phone service, designed to help people stay connected with landlines and even cell phones.

Eileen,

check out his link.

Thanks ideefix - I didn't think about that. I really didn't pay attention to the email posted. I thought someone was saying it was wrong to post your email address - period. I use a seperate email address for all internet dealings. Surprise, surprise, but my name isn't *tina*. I have a net name and email address that I use online.

My husband and I use a joint personal email account (mostly I use it LOL), and while our last name is incorporated into the address, it doesn't reveal our names.

tina

Eileen, I don't know if you are interested in this but it can't hurt to read. Brett Hudson (Kate Hudson's uncle) was also being treated in Germany at The Klinik where Farrah went. In the particular blog linked below, he mentions natural stuff he is taking for his cancer (stage 4 throat).

If you'd like to read the whole blog, click on Brett's Blog up top. To start from the beginning click archives

If the email address that is logged with Gardenweb is a good one, anyone who cares to, can email you by clicking on (My Page) next to your screen name. Then, it's up to you to respond to them if you wish. That response gives them your email address. And that way, you retain control over who you give it to specifically.

Red

I know Brett and that clinic isn't free. It's very, very expensive. And not to be mean, it didn't do Farrah any good.

Red, Eileen doesn't have that option on her member page.

Ideefixe - I haven't read all of Brett's blog but in one he mentions insurance and if it pays for it. I linked it because he lists the stuff he is being treated with so that if anyone is interested in natural meds, they at least have a starting point.

What they are doing now at the Klinik from what I read is taking the DNA markers from each person's cancer. Farrah wasn't well enough to go back to have this done but it was supposedly her next step.

I don't know how I feel about natural treatments yet as I'm still looking into it just in case.

Rose, that's just exactly why I posted it that way. If we have the "email me" option on our member page, then, anyone can use that to shoot us an email. Eileen can change her message settings to that if she wishes. If you read ideefix' comment about emails when someone is posting resumes on job ads, you will see why this is so important. There was just a story in our local paper yesterday about the importance of keeping your resume info confidential because anyone can google you.

It's really tempting to think that all the people on this (and other message boards) are just here for decorating or casual talk. But when you google something, sometimes the link that comes up is a msg board comment. And that may not be what you would like a potential employer to be reading, no matter how innocuous.

Red

((((((Eileen))))))

Just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you and praying for you today. I wish you well.

Brett's got SAG insurance which is a far cry from what most of us have, and he still paid out of pocket. I like him but I think his experience is unrealistic for threegrad.