Handwritten thank you notes...verbal is not enough. My kids wrote them as soon as they could hold a pencil . The notes were illegible but that wasn't the point. They put something on a piece of paper and licked the stamp.

If I don't get a thank you note for a gift that was sent ,the person never ever gets another gift. Has really cut down on gift buying . Oh and yes I do check to make sure it arrived. I don't give second chances. c

Someone on this forum, when I first started looking at it, said she only allowed her kids to play with their gifted toys AFTER they'd written a thank you note! I think that was more for birthdays than Christmas, but maybe not. Perhaps they played with the Santa/family gifts and had to write notes for the others before they could play with them.

I think it is such a brilliant idea. I don't have kids at that age, but I have definitely passed along the idea, especially when one of my friends or relatives is making excuses why her child hasn't thanked me for a gift and I know I'll never get one.

Your DIL and/or son should have told you when you spoke to them; they also should have had the kids get on the phone to say thank you. If this isn't taken care of asap; you should tell your son to come over for a chat & let him know this is expected. He should know this by now.

As for the other person; you haven't spoken to her in person & she has not replied to the email; so give it a day or 2. If she does not thank you; stop exchanging gifts with her. You can also call her to ask if she needs the receipt since she hasn't called you to let you know if she got it or not. While you think the gift was nice; its possible it was not her taste.

I've stopped a lot of gift giving due to not being thanked. My hubs gram has also stopped because my kids were the only (step) grand kids to even say thank you. I don't know if any of them miss the $10 (mine still get it) but she sure likes the few hundred she now gets to spend otherwise. She did not have a lot to give but between 30 or so people; it added up

This post was edited by roselvr on Sun, Dec 30, 12 at 15:29

I write hand written thank yous and I get them out within one week after gift receipt. If that isn't soon enough, too bad gift giver.

Wanting a thank you note within 24 hrs is a bit demanding in my humble opinion.

Last year, one of my best friends was complaining about how her nieces never thank her for gifts she sends them. She went through the whole thing about how she spends so much time picking them out to make sure they will like them, etc. I just looked at her, laughed and (gently) reminded her that I had never received a thank you from either of her 2 kids or from her for any of the gifts I regularly send them for birthdays and Christmas (they live overseas, so most gifts are mailed.) We had quite a laugh about it.

My parents never taught me about writing thank you notes. It was something I discovered was polite on my own as an adult. I've made sure to teach my kids. They don't always write a note, but they do get on the phone within a few day of rec'ing the gift to say thank you.

I hope you don't take this the wrong way but, I was wondering, is there a chance your son and his wife have a problem with the gifts you gave their kids? I just ask because my ex-mil would always be a problem with gifts for our kids. Wanting to give our them gifts that they were too young for and things we weren't ready for them to have. Ipods and video cameras when they were in third grade, etc. (this was when ipods first came out and little kids didn't have them). One year she wanted to give our toddler boys a full size yamaha keyboard. We told her that was very thoughtful but that they were too young for it. Guess what my husband and I received for Christmas that year? A full-sized yamaha keyboard. Anyhow, not suggesting you are doing this, but just a thought.

I found out my BIL's new fiancee was coming up with him for Christmas. I thought I'd make her a little scrapbook, so I went on her FB and downloaded pics of the two of them, her kids, and some other pics. The whole project took me just a couple hours, but it turned out really nice.

She didn't come up with BIL, so I gave him the gift to give to her. Apparently she cried and really loved it, but I found out thru DH...who had talked with his brother and HE relayed her appreciation to DH to tell me.

I was a little miffed (ok, a lot miffed) but I'm not going to make an issue of it, just that I'm not ever going to do anything like that for her again.

I did see where she'd posted a comment on FB in response to something I'd said, but it wasn't specifically a thank you. Pretty rude IMHO.

Count me in on another who doesn't get a thank you, mainly from grands, or 'pseudo' grands. First the grands~DS has been married 4 times, he and wife #1 have 1 son, with wife #2, 1 daughter. Wife #2 always emails me what "H" would like, but does she make "H" send a thank you when she gets the gift, of course she doesn't, since it's really about "H" getting the all important gift. "H" was my 1st GD, and I had always shown a little favoritism, but since she became a teen, and a self-centered one at that(maybe thanks to her Mom)i'll be rethinking birthdays and Christmas in 2013. GS was the first text I received on Christmas day to thank me for his gift. Son of wife #1 sent a text on Christmas morning thanking me for his gift. He's 21 and it has taken him awhile to get to this point, maybe over the last 3 years he's called to thank me for birthday/Christmas gifts. I also have to mentioned that i've been extremely close to these 2 grands thru the years.

Now onto DS and wife #4(#2/3 were to the same woman, same problems as #4), who happens to have 5 kids. I took care of these 5 kids a year after they married and told my son never to ask me again. I felt they were disrespectful and as far as I was concerned, could never consider them as grandchildren. My son said he understood, even when I told him I wouldn't be sending gifts for birthdays/Christmas and seemed ok with the situation. I only sent birthday gifts once, but have sent Christmas gifts over the last 4 years(damn guilt!) they've been married, and only one time did I get a personal call from her to thank me. Sent gifts again this year(still'testing')and a check for $50 to each child. My son called the day after Christmas telling me I couldn't have sent a better gift for the kids, and mentioned how much they each loved the pj's, but no mention of the card/check for each. To top all that off, I called DS on the 17 of Dec. to let him know I had sent a box and to watch for it in the mail. Included in the 'gift box' was a card/check sent to him and his wife. He called on the 21 to tell me he received the box and thank me for the 'generous check'. I was shocked that he had opened the card, and bit my tongue, but had visions of his wife going out and buying gifts for other members of her family who I personally didn't care for. As of yet, I still haven't had a thank you from his wife re:the kids gifts or the check sent for the two of them. I love my son, but how do I say I feel my son married 'beneath' him without sounding like a snob? When they first married, I told my son I like "C", but now that i'm learning more about her and her manners, i'm having some real reservations. I'm feeling I can no longer buy gifts for the kids, but want to give my son a gift because HE'S MY SON! This is even more irritation than GD not sending a thank you. HELP!

Gail, DIL and I talked about what I should get the kids for Christmas, so I know she loved them. I do have to say the GS got something great for Santa and that's all he's been playing with since. lol.

DS and maybe GS will be over in just a bit. :)

Patty, when gift giving becomes this complicated and stressful, we need to re evaluate.
Pesky, I am with you 100 per cent. Clearly you created a gift that was unique, personal and obviously showed much thought. It is hurtful for you not to get a personal thank you. For me, part of the joy in giving is to be part of the recipients excitement in receiving.
When we took a trip to Alaska, one of my SIL's friends asked us to bring her back something. A bit rude, but my husband and SIL grew up with her. OK, I know she has doll houses and collects miniatures. We found up getting a had mini walrus. (Cost $50.00) IMHO a thank you call was in order. This could not look in any ones eyes. We got an "oh by the way thank you from SIL telling us the friend liked the walrus and she put it in one of her doll houses!"

I must be in the tiny group that would rather have a personal, spoken thank you than a note for gifts other than wedding (where written notes are the norm). I still don't know if my SIL's brother (now deceased) and his wife received the place setting of china I sent for their wedding...

Ah yes, the ingrates. Part of my holiday evolution has been to stop putting myself into the position of being hurt--by stopping the effort that always ends up in that result.

Prime culprit for me is my MIL. She's 89 now and for the past decade or so, as her social filters have slipped, her passive-aggressive digs have caused me a lot of pain. I would try to do something special for the holidays and she would seemingly delight in refusing not only to thank me, but in going out of her way to demonstrate rejection. The nadir for me was the year I did a customized photo album of the kids-her beloved grandkids. Took a lot of time, and was soooo excited about giving it to her.

Well, I made the mistake of telling my SIL (who has a history of one upping me herself) who the night before our gathering printed some photos of her daughter, stuck them on a Michael's bulletin board and gave them as her gift. So there we are having our holiday gathering, MIL opens my gift, doesn't say anything at all, simply looks at it then puts it under her chair. When she opens up the bulletin board however she gushes and beams and just about falls on the floor making a big fuss. The piece de resistance: next day my husband asks her if she liked our album at which point she pretends she doesn't even know she got it! I know it was pretense since she later admitted to our son that she was trying to "show her [me]".

Oooooookay. Since that holiday I decided I was done, finished, over it. I don't bother anymore with trying to think of anything special. This Christmas I re-gifted an Outback gift card and a copy of Seabiscuit to her. And that was perfectly fine for both of us.

My long winded lesson is that as ellendi says, when it becomes a chore or a pain, it's time to stop. Life is just too short to make ourselves unhappy especially taking time and spending money to do it!

Patty; I've been married 3x; 2 kids are 8 years apart & have different fathers. My kids have their own set of grand parents; aunts & uncles; never would I expect my sons family to buy anything for my daughter & would not expect my daughters side to buy for my son. I also do not expect my MIL to buy either of my kids anything. Having said that; what would be nice would be a birthday card; just to say happy birthday.

As for gifting your son; it may be time for a talk. What does her family do? Do they also send to your son? What about a smaller "family type" gift like a smoked salmon or cheeses & if you send money to your son; it's for your son. I would not be offended by that. Who can afford to gift everyone these days?

It's really tough to have blended families. There can be a fine line either way that can send the message that neither approves of the other & makes for bad blood. I'm going on 13 years with my hub; most times I feel like our marriage isn't real in MIL's eyes. She was actually invited to the wedding & did not come. She doesn't send me birthday cards nor has she gotten on the phone to wish me a happy birthday; when I've wished her one. My birthday is 4 days after hers. She's actually called on my birthday & not said it. What's funny is that when she stays with us; we get along great. I have a wonderful relationship with her mother who I've met only once

This post was edited by roselvr on Sun, Dec 30, 12 at 15:28

Just had a fun visit with DS. My grandson stayed at home...because...he was busy playing with the gift we gave him! lol

The good thing is my family has a wonderful sense of humor. I asked DS if his houseshoes fit (he needed some new one's), and he kind of grinned and said he "re-gifted" it to his FIL. He asked if that was okay because they were too tight on him, and I said sure!

Running, I'm a gusher when someone gives me gifts, no matter who gave it to me. As a MIL, I can't even imagine not gushing over a gift my DIL gives me. Sounds like your MIL was playing favortites and that is disgusting. My mom did the same with my brother and I. He was the favorite and she even admitted it to me when I was an adult! Gee, thanks Mom! lol

"I don't give second chances" Really Carolyn? That just doesn't sound like you - or at least how you have come across here on the board - or perhaps just how I have interpreted you! LOL In this case, that really wouldn't be fair as it is the fault of the PARENTS, not the children, since they are so young.

Allison, you are not alone. We were taught to write thank-you notes, and I do for certain things - but not Christmas or birthday gifts. I always thank the giver in person, or if for some reason I am not able to do that - a phone call. Honestly, it's not a problem I run into often.

In this instance, if the same situation had happened here, our family would just post-pone the Christmas gathering and do it at a later date. The kids would still have Santa, of course, but then everyone would still be together for a holiday meal and gift-giving.

tina

I like to thank people in person when I see them too. It feels more personal and you can talk about it together a little. I also am not comfortable calling, unless I know someone very well.

As much as I like good old fashioned written thank you notes, I have received them from people who I know just do them because it's how they were raised, as good manners. They generally dislike most everything someone does for or gives to them so receiving a thank you note from them can feel like a superficial formality sometimes, imo. And when they are so rude in other ways! It just seems odd.

I don't need a formal thank you, but do not appreciate it when someone does not bother so much as to say a simple thank you for something.

I never expect a thank you card in the mail.

This post was edited by snookums2 on Thu, Dec 27, 12 at 17:45

runninginplace, your post reminded me of a lesson my husband taught me that has served well in many, many life situations. It is called "adjustment of expectations." My mother is a helper and if you have a life crisis or are a total failure, she is there for you 100% and more. However, if you succeed at something, she will make it seem like you have done the opposite. When I called to tell her I had just graduated from university, instead of congratulations, i got a speal about how she had hoped I would have done something different (gone to Africa to save the starving children, perhaps), when I called to tell her we had just bought a house, she said we should have just rented a one bedroom apartment and that home ownership was overrated. I could go on forever. My dh pointed out that she was never going to change, so why would I keep going to her expecting a different response. Therefore, the only way to stay happy was to adjust my expectations. My relationship with my mother has turned around completely. I still go to her with my successes, but I do so without the expectation that she will congratulate me in a way I see as appropriate. In terms of gift giving, I give my sister's kids gifts, but I know they will never thank me even though they appreciate the gifts very much. I've made the choice to continue, but not expect a thank you. It works for me.

My mom has always sent a cheque to the grandchildren for Christmas/birthdays right from when they were born. She lives out of town and it's just easier. My kids always called her and thanked her right away as did my brothers kids. The kids of my two sisters never did and so mom just stopped sending the cheques.

She made the decision after asking my youngest sister whether or not her kids received the cheques and my sisters reaction was "how would I know I just hand the card to them and if you're looking for a thank-you its their choice to thank-you or not". In my moms mind it was an easy decision to stop the cheques.

Daisy, i would guess you are a happier person with that attitude! I totally agree.

tina...I am a hard a&* ! OK...I do give 2nd and 3rd and 4th chances on almost everything..I am a patsy. There...since you called me on it I will confess. I also really really have had my feelings hurt about presents which is why we never buy Christmas gifts at all anymore for anyone..each other included. When we want to give something we do and when DH and I want something we get it together after talking about it. Works great and no one has to wait for a particular holiday to get a present from us.

I had the " I don't know what happened to the present...I guess we got it" from my SIL...this was decades ago..I never gave her another present and as far as I know she hasn't missed them. I sent baby gifts to her DD when she had her first one. Never heard from her or her DD. I called and said did anyone get the presents I sent ? No one knew...X..no more presents. She has had 2 more kids since then .

I dunno...I think gift giving is something that has to come from the heart and be given for a specific moment between you and that person. Impersonal giving means nothing to me. c

As daisy says you have to set your expectations where you are comfortable. I also think you have to act in a way that you are comfortable ..I am not able to just "give" gifts because it is a holiday on the calendar. c

I am with you 100%, trail!

So true Trail. For me, as I get older I guess I am tired of doing things that are expected. You are expected to give a Christmas gift etc.
After contributing a few times to this thread, I have decided to not exchange birthday gifts with my SIL. At this point in life, we don't need another thing and her birthday is right after Christmas.
I think I will tell her that I will pick something up for her while on vacation. Then when my birthday comes around I will ask her if we can discontinue the exchange. I haven't exchanged birthday gifts with my siblings for years, except for those special milestone birthdays.

See Trail - I knew that wasn't you! LOL

I totally agree with what you are saying. You may remember that some of my family (my family's side) did away with Christmas gifts for years - choosing instead to do something (a charity, someone in need, etc.). Christmas for my husband and I - well let's just say, gifts are very low priority. I'll go a step further here in "analyzing" you - LOL - and guess that a big gift for you was having your daughter home. Not analyzing really - just how you come across here on the board (to me). I think you are a woman with a big heart. I think I am somewhere in the middle of you and Daisy - I do love to give gifts - but I don't do it expecting a thank you. Nor do I feel that gifts must be given on a holiday.

Isn't it funny how we come to think about someone here - not having met them in real life? You have a zest for living - as evidenced by your biking, camping, etc. I can also tell how much you love your family - I can "hear" it when you "talk" about them here. You are no hard-a$$!! And I mean everything I have said in a good way - not criticizing you! I hope you know that.

tina

You know, it's funny because I expect my kids to graciously thank those who give them gifts and feel it is my job as a parent to teach them to do,so. By starting them at a young age, I hope that it is something they will,continue when they are old enough not to be prompted. That's how i was raised and even though sometimes a gift is "off the mark" I try to instill in my kids that it is the thought that counts (even when it's somewhat obvious that not much thought went into it). That said, I don't necessarily expect a thank you in return. I do notice when I don't recieve one but have never been driven (yet) to the point where I've given up,giving gifts to people who don't show appreciation. My nieces have never shown much appreciation for gifts. Even though my brother was raised with that expectation, my SIL had a much different and more chaotic upbringing. Though some of her manners are lacking, she is also one of the kindest people I have ever met. While it seems to be common decency to show appreciation, I have never held that against my nieces or my SIL. And while they usually, now, acknowledge in person, any gifts received while we are together, they still never call to say thanks for anything sent to them. I don't let that bother me. They are great girls otherwise so I'm not going to hold it against them.

Gift giving seems to have become so political these days that the spirit of giving is starting to get lost in me. For example, for years my kids were the onlyngrandkids in dH's side. His two brothers and sisters sent my kids gifts for all important occasions (we live on opposite coast from all of them). Years later, when they started having kids, they wanted to stop sending gifts b/c postage was costly, it was time consuming, etc. but I felt bad b/c now it was finally our chance to return the affection. I sent gifts anyway but Then SIL got upset b/c we weren't abiding by the agreement. Even though for 8 or so years, my kids were getting gifts and they had no kids! Plus, we only see our nieces/nephews on that side maybe once a year so I felt like the gifts were a way to keep in touch and show our affection, not to mention that my kids loved picking things out for their cousins. So even though we TOLD them that we didn't expect gifts for our kids in return, we still wanted to send gifts. But they made us feel like the bad guy for making them feel,obligated even though we told them this was just our chance to return the generosity.

Not sure my point...I guess its just disheartening to hear that the spirit of giving has become stressful and jaded (that's not to say that I don't totally understand where that sentiment is coming from!).

Glad it all worked out Oakley. Sounds like you have a great relationship with your son and DIL.

Thank you Gail. The recipient of the gift from my original topic has posted on my FB wall, and I still have no clue if she likes the gift I gave her! I'm dying to know, but I'm going to assume she wasn't fond of it. lol.

Fourkids, for years we sent gift cards (clothing stores) to my DH's brother, SIL and two daughters. They would call us and thank us profusely! We never received anything from them simply because they couldn't afford it, which didn't bother us in the least.

But one year we got them gift cards to a sporting store (niece was going snow skiing), but the store also sold nice winter clothes, etc. They didn't call us at ALL. We spent quite a bit of money on the gift cards, but I guess they didn't like the last card we sent. Emphasis on "last." :)

I guess I'm sort of in Daisychain's camp.

In fact, I don't even adjust my expectations because I don't have any. I give gifts because it feels good TO ME. I couldn't be happier if the recipient likes the gift or if they say thank you, but in the long run - it doesn't really matter.

It goes further than that . . . I'm kind of an over achiever, over doer, over planner, etc. Stuff I do usually goes way beyond what my friends and family find acceptable. I'm known as the Martha Stewart of my group. I'm not boasting because it's not necessarily a good thing because I spend a lot of time and energy doing things that, in the grand scheme of things, really doesn't matter.

I used to be very annoyed and resentful when people didn't acknowledge the trouble I went through but I realized that that trouble is all my own doing and I'm doing it for myself and no one else. That's when a whole bunch of stress and bad feelings disappeared. So I acknowledge myself, pat myself on the back and that's all I need.

tina...what a sweet note and NO offense taken. I hear you . I agree with many here. Kelly said it very well. You can't do anything in this life because you want a response from others. Everything is from within. We are our own cheerleaders. c

I agree with daisy and kelly. I don't let myself get fussed about the thank-yous or any outlay of appreciation. I give gifts and create events because they are meaningful or rewarding to me, and I really do not care whether I am thanked or not. I am something of a stickler for writing thank-you notes myself but really don't expect that everyone feels the same way.

I have a SIL, though, who became irate when I didn't acknowledge her thank-you note to me for a gift that I had given her! A thank-you note for a thank-you note--that was a new one!

It doesn't bother me so much at the lack of a thank you it's more bothersome to me to come across people that seem to campaign for certain gifts or make big deal posts of presents on their facebook page if they were high ticket item gifts. These same people neglect all other mention of gifts that were not of the extravagant kind. I have cousin "by marriage" that is doing this over first baby gifts. Actually she does this over all things she wants and people seem to donate stuff to her. As much as I love to buy presents for others I am not sure if I will bother in this case. I do like her but find her neediness for "things" annoying. A few years ago my mom asked for a certain gold multi gemstone ring that was way well beyond a combined gift amount from my sister and me. I thought that was sort of rude. I just gave her a gift certificate at the particular store for my usual spending limit. I did get a nice thank you phone call though.
Most of my non thank you non acknowledgments have been from high school graduation kids. With few exceptions I no longer give graduation money or gifts.

I don't buy gifts for special times anymore. If, during the year someone mentions something they like/want, I buy then. They know it means all in one and seem to enjoy the time spent together buying and item itself. Always a thank you at the time and good feeling together. Yes, this means no presents under the tree. But no one has ever presented a disappointment, they will remind me of enjoying the special gift.

I had a friend that would send a pic of a gift and the recipient to the sender, loved seeing these. And in the age of tech, so easy to do even if it is through an email or text message.

I think our annoyance from a "no thank you" is because we appreciate something done for us so much more than others. Just knowing they went to the trouble is appreciated by me whatever the gift. Times have changed from our mother's training, but I still don't find it as an excuse for not saying thank you.

What an interesting discussion this has been! It only proves to me that the word "gift" means many different things to different people.

I've always intensely disliked the giving and receiving of Christmas presents---- from a religious point of view not understanding how we "honor" the birth of Jesus by shopping. And it is clear that most people view gifts as a form of currency; they give a gift and expect something back--- either a gift in return or some form of acknowledgement or thank you. Even the gifts that are clearly a labor of love are not given selflessly, as those are the ones for which recognition is most eagerly anticipated.

I've had to call and track packages sent by UPS and the post office and other delivery services just to insure that the intended recipients received the gifts when they weren't acknowledged. But I am never angry or resentful at not receiving a thank you--- although make no mistake, I love receiving them!--- because that's not the reason I give the present to begin with. To me, that's one of the reasons Christmas is such an unhappy time for so many people. It stirs up resentment and anger that stems directly from the mixed motives of this bizarre socially prescribed gift giving we all engage in.

I am not sure it has anything to do with mixed motives in giving. I do not give for anything other than the pure joy of giving. That said, however, I do think it says something about the recipient if there is no acknowledgement when the giver is not present for the opening or has to track a package just to see if the gift was received. I would feel pretty selfish and rotten if I didn't thank people for the gifts they give me. My students always get a handwritten thank you note because I want them to know how much their thoughtfulness means to me and I always thank them for that as much as for the material gift. After ten years of absolutely no response to any gifts to my nieces, I stopped birthday checks and Christmas gifts and checks. I simply got tired of being the one to initiate calls and, bottom line, it hurt to think they didn't care enough to pick up a phone. Eventually, one-sided relationships just don't work no matter what anyone says. My sister was always pretty self-centered and maybe she passed that along to her daughters. Sad. The world does not revolve around any one person and I think it would be a much more pleasant place if everyone tried to be as gracious as possible. I am working on it ;)

'Mom' was sent gifts from her out of town son. I know one gift was pajamas but missed the opening of the other gift. She doesn't remember what she gave or who gave her what. If anyone is waiting for a card from here, they are going to be disappointed. She keeps thinking her new outfit belongs to me.

I believe a personal thank you is just fine. A phone call is much better than a card to me. I'm always making clutter of the thank you cards before guiltily tossing them in recycle.

My DIL, here for two days, texted me her thanks and gratitudes after they left. Perfect! I love her sentiments and cherish her words. No card to worry about what to do with...

I try not to hold it against anyone, I have screwed up in various areas of my life in a multitude of ways, particularly when I was young, and eventually always feel bad (for the rest of my life!).
Hopefully I have learned to at least do the right thing so I won't feel that way, but I know how capable I am of being an a%@*h&%.
So I try to exercise a little grace to those who haven't figured out why making the effort to do the right thing is a good thing.

Cyn, if your only motive in giving is the pure joy of giving, why would you discontinue giving gifts to your nieces because they did not say thank you? I'm really not trying to be merely argumentative, and of course I agree that, ideally, good manners and a grateful heart should act in concert and prompt sincere thanks when a gift is received. But giving is actually an act of reciprocity in our culture; acknowledgement and thanks are the expected payment for a gift . We extend credit for a variety of reasons--- the kids are too young to thank us, the DIL too frazzled, the season too hectic, etc. But after credit is extended too often without payment it is withdrawn and the gifts stop. Its a simple economic exchange and I think people would get their feelings hurt less if they a knowledged that. i have found that the pure joy of giving is usually only experienced when one gives a gift anonymously.

Yes, kswl, you are sort of right. I am torn on this, but it was not so much the lack of a thank you (I faulted my sister when they were young) as realizing that they were not the kind of people to whom I would give gifts if they weren't family. It finally seemed to me that because of something I would rather not share, a rift developed that was passed on to the girls. It was no longer fun to give to them since I knew how their mother thought and they didn't want the family connection any more. I continue to reach out to them and occasionally get a two or three word response from the younger one on FB. It is quite a shame really since we all had so much fun when we were together.

So, although I give because it is fun for me to do, I suppose I am judgmental enough to decide that if it doesn't give joy to the recipient (and how will I know unless they tell me-old folks and young ones given more leeway), I shouldn't continue. It eventually becomes a chore since I think I am not getting anything they like and checks alone seem too impersonal although teens like them best! One could say that teaching others to be grateful is a gift beyond measure and saying thank you is a part of that.

I'm with you bumblebeez - I'm willing to forgive many transgressions, just because others did it for me when I screwed up. Also, you never know what others are going through at any given time. You may picture them lying on the sofa, watching tv, happily surrounded by gifted loot, but it's more likely at this time of year, that they are frantically trying to keep it together.

Of course I agree that, ideally, good manners and a grateful heart should act in concert and prompt sincere thanks when a gift is received. But giving is actually an act of reciprocity in our culture; acknowledgement and thanks are the expected payment for a gift . We extend credit for a variety of reasons--- the kids are too young to thank us, the DIL too frazzled, the season too hectic, etc. But after credit is extended too often without payment it is withdrawn and the gifts stop. Its a simple economic exchange and I think people would get their feelings hurt less if they a knowledged that. i have found that the pure joy of giving is usually only experienced when one gives a gift anonymously.

Bizarre--- half my post re-posted! I was trying to edit it and clearly don't have the hang of it yet !

What you say makes sense, you can't always know you are making someone happy unless they tell you. But that makes the gift giving an awful lot about the giver still :-)

While I appreciate a thank you, I'm with kswl in that I give a gift out of my desire to get pleasure from the giving. I think when you create a punishment when the recipient doesn't respond in a fashion you approve, the gift becomes almost a power struggle.

I have three boys and I have to admit it is hard to get them to write/call on every gift they are given. When my oldest graduated from college, he received cash gifts from several of our relatives, and I insisted he write thank you notes. It took him forever - several months past his graduation to finally sit down and do it. When I asked him why he just didn't sit down and crank them out, he said he wanted to make them personal and put some thought into them, blah, blah blah. I thought he was just procrastinating - and I still do, but I got a Christmas card from one of the Aunt's and she wrote on and on about how nice my son's thank you note was to her and how she just loved it.

So I guess, while it was late, the personalized message was better than the basic, "thank you for the gift of money, I will use it for XXX"

I have to say I feel relieved DIL sent a beautiful thank you card with a hand-written message, but at the same time feel I shouldn't *need* acknowledgement as my gifts were out of love. It's tough, wanting some sort of thanks, but knowing it really shouldn't have to be that way, since it *is* about the sheer pleasure of giving.

I also need to remember I wasn't perfect, so who am I to expect it from others?

Thank you cyn, kswl, bumble, daisy, and carole. You all have put into words what I needed to *see* and make right with my harsh 'judgment call'. To err is human, to forgive is divine.

You can track a package all you want; it does not mean the actual recipient received it. Last year there was a lot of thefts of holiday packages that were left on doorsteps. Hub has one niece that I've sent things to; & I kick myself for sending what I did. It was a fairly expensive comforter set; my daughter changed her room; it was still in great shape; I was going to store it to use in the guest room. The niece got kicked out & needed stuff; so I sent a huge care package. The tracking receipt says it was delivered; she says she never got it & she wasn't interested in finding out what happened to my package.

About a year before the package incident; this same niece visited us for 3 weeks with her child. She had begged us to visit for a few years; we finally had a house large enough that she could visit. I spent a lot of money between plane tickets & clothing for the baby. She was here 2 days & miserable; wanting to go home because she missed her new boyfriend. She made me regret bringing her here & when she left; was not appreciative of anything we did for her. We did not hear from her for close to a year.

Giving a gift should come from your heart; we give because we want to; it makes me feel good when someone appreciates that gift. We usually pick someone in need to give to each Christmas (back when we could afford to).. One year hub & I gifted a brother & sister that is friends with my son. They left CA to move back to NJ & were feeling down that they were not going to be with family for the holiday; so we invited them over & had gifts for them. The smiles on their faces still warm my heart 6 years later.

I've also bought a $700 car for another friend of my sons when hub was 1st diagnosed with cancer. I felt this hard working mom needed a break after losing her car to a freak accident. She was going to save her money & give the car back to me for my daughter. She seemed appreciative at 1st & actually stopped speaking to us (we've known her for a long time) when I could not lend her over $3,000 for her electric bill. I found out she did not take care of the car either & when she killed it; her parents helped her buy a newer car.

I've had experience where some people really do not appreciate something nice done for them & it really kills me that I could have given my gift to someone who really needed it that would appreciate it. It does not make me a bad person to "want" a thank you; no matter if it's words; a hug; or even seeing something I've given being worn a lot such as the hoodies we bought the brother & sister.

Rose, like I said in my above post, it's just the 'acknowledgement' that a gift was given. i'm sorry for such thoughtless people and hope you're rid of them. I've had a few in my life, but for the most part, do *eventually* get a phone call, note/card, or even a text from the older grands~i'm happy enough with that!

I love giving too, and now that i've gotten to the age where I can really afford it, I can sometimes go overboard. It's nice to know you're appreciated and have even *thought* about sending a gift. Some people just don't get it.

It may be in fashion not to acknowledge or thank someone for a gift, but it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. How hard is it to say "Thank you?"

Apparently it was more than my two nephews could manage after I sent them very generous checks for graduation.

Is it bad manners? a sense of entitlement? thoughtlessness?

Whatever. From now on, It's Hallmark cards for me.

I read a thread similar long ago, and particularly liked one reply: for family members who do not acknowledge gifts of money, next time send them one of those cards that are designed to hold checks or cash, but with nothing in it.

Love the idea of sending a "money" card with no cash in it!!

I don't want or expect a thank you for a gift. If I did it means I'm not giving with a happy heart. If I'm giving a gift looking for a thank you then I'm fishing for recognition. I give a gift because I want to. I want to express my love in a small gifted token. I want to say I was thinking of you so I got you this. It's because I wanted to, not because I want to hear how nice it was of me. When I see them wearing or using the gift or if they mention a scene from a movie that I got them....that is all I want. I want to see them enjoying what I gave them and nothing more. Really, what is the thank you for.... because we are testing THEIR manners or because really we have bad manners because we are looking for them to make us feel good about our selves....a pat on our back. No thank you, I'll continue giving with a happy heart that expects zero in return.

FYI, this thread is seven (7) years old ...

Lots of zombie threads lately!