I'm sure you are actually part of a majority of women who "do it all" for the holidays. I know my mom certainly felt that way and I am slipping in the trap, also.

Everything falls to me, so by default, my family only gets what I want to do. I have reached the point I feel no need to go the extra mile in decorating, etc.

In reality, if I fell off the face of the earth, the family would manage just fine. The DH would put up a fake tree and hang 10 ornaments on it and call it a day. He would create a holiday, but it certainly wouldn't be what "I" would want.

So in looking at all that I had to do with holiday preparations, I had to realize that I was my own worst enemy. I'm not going to get Norman Rockwell anyway so I sat down and made a list of what I really wanted. Real tree, garland on the staircase railings, nativity set, tablecloths (new this year) and some flowers. I'll only send out around 10 cards and I don't think we'll be doing any parties this year.

I live in a climate which looks like a Christmas card anyway. Those blowup outdoor decorations don't do much to improve it in my opinion. So, that sure lets me skip the outdoors decorating except for a wreath. Wish I had a digital and could post a picture of how pretty the yard looks this morning.

Let's see. I'm out of wrapping paper. Nope, no ribbon left. Do I have butter for those cookies? What about food coloring......

Gloria

Lurker here. That cracks me up, I feel exactly the same. I can also see my husband buying an artificial small tree with lights already on it, maybe some decorations, maybe not. Whatever, that would do it. This year I decided not to hang the outside lights, I always do that too. Cut down my Christmas Card List (notice that all Christmas Cards are sent by the ladies of the house?) and cut down on the baking.(we still will have some cookies) All that sweet stuff is not that great for you anyway. And it will be Christmas as always, no one might even notice.
Merry Christmas to all.
Bianchi

I'm gonna tell you something I am recently learning from work: Other people can do stuff, and it is important to THEM to delegate to them.

I have just not been delegating stuff, and as a consequence, I am really overwhelmed. I decided there was one step that *I* didn't need to do, so I delegated it.

And I gritted my teeth through the stupid (to me) questions, and walking him through every stage. And I didn't have to actually DO it.

And next time, hopefully there won't BE those same questions, and it'll take even less of my time.

Your kids are old enough to water the tree.

Time to find out if they want a tree bad enough to be the waterer.

And that's an interesting point--that sometimes we do all this because *we* are the ones who really want it.

If they wouldn't do it, they might not really care about it. Time to find out!

And for the first time, we are not the same person! My DH does as much as I do, maybe more, esp. on the "Executive Director" level. He reserves time to get the tree; he plans the buying of the presents; he writes the Christmas cards.

Of course, that's because he's in charge of the general schedule; if I try to add something to it w/o careful negotiations, he comes unglued. Not mad, just disoriented. And I won't send Christmas cards, so if he wants it done, he has to. Period.

He's very big on the presents thing, too--buying them, not wrapping them.

Which reminds me--I need to get wrapping!

"And that's an interesting point--that sometimes we do all this because *we* are the ones who really want it."

I do think my family wants it, but I simply am not delegating enough. I admit that I am a bit controlling when it comes to Christmas decorations and now my family assumes I will continue to be this way, so they don't offer to help. I've always been the one to schedule the special holiday events, the family picture with Santa, address the cards, etc. I've never delegated any of it to anyone else. So it's no wonder to me that no one offers to help. They assume this year will be like the others and I'll do it all again. I will admit this year I am behind - way behind. I am working more hours outside the home and simply don't want to put my usual energy into the holiday hoopla. I'll have to decide if I want to delegate, or just let certain events not take place. I am surprised that DH said he'd take the kids to get the tree tomorrow night while I'm at work. I never said a word. Perhaps this will happen with some of the other holiday events if I don't jump in and do it myself. We'll see!

Sheryl

In 2001, I had surgery in October and was hospitalized a month, needing in-patient physical therapy afterwards. My husband bought a table-top tree and that's all. No cards, no other decorations. I was home in December,and against doctor's orders, I went out twice to get a few gifts for my two daughters. I still have that little tree, I call it our Charlie Brown tree. Proves to me that I am needed very badly.

From the mouth of my nine yr old son, "This place would go to hell if you weren't here, Mom".

I am surprised that DH said he'd take the kids to get the tree tomorrow night while I'm at work. I never said a word. Perhaps this will happen with some of the other holiday events if I don't jump in and do it myself. We'll see!

Speaking as a member of the other half of the world (!), I would be very careful about assuming that your DH, "D" though he may be, will take on more of the holiday planning and execution based on what doesn't seem to be happening. Most of us guys like to have stuff spelled out for us, as in "Honey, would you please put up the garland for me?" and to not guess that the reason the garland isn't up is because DW decided to see if anyone would miss it. :-)

I really would recommend that you hold a short family meeting -- or even discuss over the dinner table, if you can -- what parts of the holiday are important to each member of the family (including you!). If there's something that no one mentions -- or everyone says they can do without -- then just don't do it anymore. And, next year, enlist the family. Tell them it's time everyone took part. But be prepared to let folks do things their own way -- even if it's a little messed up or not the way you would do it. That can be hard, but if you don't do that, you'll be the holiday-maker probably for the rest of your life.

Steve said, "But be prepared to let folks do things their own way -- even if it's a little messed up or not the way you would do it."

My experience is that the women of the family end up getting judged on expectations, even if the men are the one "doing the doing." I think, as women, we do things for our families with the intention of pleasing them. The men I've been in close contact with don't have this need to please. More of a "take it or leave it" attitude.

This really applies to most everything, not just holiday decorating. I went to work earlier than the DH, so it was his job to get the kids off to school. He feels no need to comb hair or make sure they having clothing appropriate to the weather. Heck, he doensn't even care if they are on time. I feel like I'm being judged as a mother for what he does as a father. Now, it's not like someone called me up and said that, so again, I'm my own worst ememy with my thinking.

I asked the DH this morning what he would do if I wasn't around. He said, "Put up a tree and hang the ornaments." Just like I thought. You really can't delegate work to someone if they don't want to do it. He's not going to bake cookies with the kids. He's not going to send out cards. Never has.

And if I'm honest, it really works both ways. Sometimes he'll decide to get the garage rearranged or something else that I have no interest in and have no intension of doing. It's just "no" for an answer. Can't delegate it to me if I'm not a willing party.

Luckily, most of our kids are still small and enjoy being part of the holiday preparations. I know when they get older and don't want to participate I will reevaluate and probably not do much at all.

Gloria

Yep -- me too -- except that my DH would take the opportunity (if I wasn't around) to play the "guilt" or "pity" plays -------- no kidding!!!!! NOTHING would happen -- at all!!!!!

He wouldn't do things because he simply has ALWAYS got away with NOT doing them -- "well -- he's a boy -- and boys don't do the Christmas cards" etc. etc. -- and I get mad because I don't have that particular card to play --------- I am simply held accountable for "gifts" "house decorations" "food" etc.

Well -- I've stopped sending ALL the birthday, anniversary, occasion cards --- NONE. AT ALL. Which makes me the "wicked witch of the west" when we see other members of the family ........ "we never hear from you!!!!!" I wish they knew how many times I've begged and pleased with him to just pick up the phone and call his family !!!! Of course -- when he does --- he's the hero ------ sheesh!

I still send a few Christmas cards -- and checks to "Parents with Children" etc. at Christmas.

And floral arrangements to both Mums -- which pleases the heck outta them!!

Gloria said:
My experience is that the women of the family end up getting judged on expectations, even if the men are the one "doing the doing."

and Gloria also said
I feel like I'm being judged as a mother for what he does as a father.

I AGREE, AND IT'S NOT FAIR! And what is it about dads and the inability to make sure kids are dressed appropriately for school or the weather or whatever??

and Teacats said:
Of course -- when he does --- he's the hero ------ sheesh!

DH recently went to Mississippi with 19 volunteers to do hurricane clean-up. He came back with 3 disposable cameras and I suggested we put the pictures on CD's for all the people that went. He thought that was a dumb idea (since they all took pictures while they were there) but I insisted. I took the film to be developed, picked it up, paid for it, and made all the CD's and put them in cases with covers and everything. HE gets all these thank you notes from the people that went. All he did was pass them out.

And getting back to decorating for Christmas, I haven't gotten to that yet. I asked him to put up the artificial tree for me so we could decorate. He got it out of the attic, and it's been sitting in the box for over a week.

It's comforting to know at least I'm not the only George Bailey scurrying around these days!

Thanks for the thoughts-especially the truth that much of what I do is because *I* choose to do it. What happens in my situation is I project, rightly or not, that my family (especially kids) would be disappointed if their holiday wasn't done in the way it's always done. So I make it so, as Captain Picard would say.

I"m actually feeling better now. Combination of getting a lot of the 'heavy lifting' done so now I can just enjoy the season for its own sake. Shopping: did a few gift shopping runs and also got all the online gift orders finished early this week so no worries about shipping and that helps a lot. Got the cards out and I have a separate post about organizing that--it worked really well.

And my sister surprised me with a wreath for the front door :). That probably was the single biggest boost to my spirits; it was completely unexpected and now the front of the house looks very festive. I'm going to try to remember to stop and feel the holiday spirit now, instead of just checking items madly off the to-do list!

Ann

I am surprising myself this year - now that we finally live in our house, after three years of an apt, and building this thing, you'd think I might want to re-create my childhood memories of the holidays... But I'm not! I am, as I said, surpised at myself, but I told DH that I am really not interested in dealing with a tree (remember, the dog's tail will wreak havoc on it, it has to be obtained, set up, watered, deocated, removed, cleaned up after...). It is just not worth it! I am the one trying to talk him into a "Christmas niche", centered around our window seat in the LR. I think it would be nice - just some lights, and a few things hanging in the window perhaps. We can move the plants and put the presents on the seat/sill. Works for me! I *will* put a wreath on the door if I can just get around to it. That is just such a nice welcoming thing to do.

I am realizing that the real special stuff for me is a few lights, a hint of pine smell, and making breakfast in your pajamas. And sitting around and giving presents and eating together. The ornaments and the tree are just a big pain (!) and I am not inclined to bother with them until and unless someone else in the house finds it important enough (either DH takes it on, or we have kids who want it).

when we see other members of the family ........ "we never hear from you!!!!!" I wish they knew how many times I've begged and pleased with him to just pick up the phone and call his family !!!! Of course -- when he does --- he's the hero ------ sheesh!

It wouldn't hurt to 1) make sure DH knows a) that you no longer send cards (he may not even notice since he never did it); and b) that your expectation is that he shares in the family-communication thing (if it's not stated, it's not clear). Then, while it's one of those unwritten rules that you're not supposed to tear down your spouse in public, you can come up with some humorous, winking way of responding to people to tell them that DH's arms and voicebox were not broken last time you checked and that he is just as capable of sending cards and making phone calls as you are. There's no reason (besides habit) that you can't both work on contacting family. And there's no reason you should always feel like you're the goat if it doesn't happen.

ooh, I hate that "we never hear from you"--I always got it from the friend who never called me either.

And, since every time I DID call, I had to listen to a whiney lecture on how it had been six months (look, lady, I live half a continent away now and we both have jobs), and apologize six times in a heartfelt way, I sure didn't have any incentive to call at 3 months!

And, you know, the phone works both ways. She never called ME!

I agree with Steve--make your expectations to DH clear. And, tell him, "everyone in your family says to ME, 'we never hear from you.' They blame ME bcs we don't call them. They are YOUR family; if YOU want to talk to them, you should call. And please do so, to keep them off my back."

THEN, practice saying mildly, "you should take that up with DH" and SAY IT TO THEM the next time they say "we never hear from you."

I know my dad and my big brother wouldn't call their mothers if their wives didn't remind them to. My mom did, my SIl doesn't; as a consequence, once DB got married, mom never heard from him. They now live in the same city, and it's actually a bit easier.

It's just that he doesn't think of he. We've all had to learn not to take it personally--but it is hard. The one thing we DON'T do is blame his wife. She doesn't feel it's her job to make sure he keeps in touch with his own family. We blame him. Because we are HIS family.

Our feelings are still a little hurt, that SHE doesn't want to be in touch w/ us at ALL, bcs we like her, we try to treat her lovingly, etc. If she called once a year bcs SHE missed us, I think that would make up for all of his not bothering with it. But since she doesn't do anything, it's clear she's still treating us like acquaintances, not family or even friends.

Interesting thought just came to me:

If I enjoyed my inlaws, like I enjoy my friends, I would call them. But I don't.

And whenever they call here, it's because they want something. Always. Never just to check on us or say Hi. In fact, when we see them I can guarantee they do not enquire politely on ANYTHING about us.

I have/had a new/ex friend (sort of) I don't talk to as much as I used to because she was the same way. She could talk for hours (I swear I could put the phone down and walk away and she wouldn't notice) and when we hung up she couldn't tell you one thing about my life.

Meanwhile, our Christmas tree still isn't up and nobody has noticed. I'm thinking about sketching one on poster board with crayons and see if the rest of the family considers that "good enough".

Julie :)

She could talk for hours and when we hung up she couldn't tell you one thing about my life

This is true of me and my best friend--I'm the one who can't tell you anything about her life. Part of it is, she doesn't volunteer. I worry that I'm "using" her somehow, and I ask what's up, etc. She's just not quite as forthcoming as me. Her brother died, and her dad was under treatment for cancer, and I didn't know until way after. I felt so bad--if it had happened to my family, I'd have called. Some friend I am, that she can't come to me for support, sympathy, encouragement, love, etc. And she's single, so it's not like there's anybody immediately in her house to provide that.

It made me question what our friendship truly was, and if my view of it was accurate.

Sometimes I hang up from a long call, and DH asks what's up w/ her, and I honestly can't tell him. We've talked; and SHE has talked; she just hasn't revealed anything particularly. (sometimes it's that I can't remember it)

Julie, that's an interesting thought--it's true I don't really reach out to my SIL--maybe I should. Just write her a note once a month, or something. Tell her some funny, trivial story about our life. See what happens after a year.

Talley Sue,
It's hard to draw a line between prying and showing concern. Would it help to ask specific questions about ___ instead of just asking what's up? Next time you talk to her, write down on your calendar something she says, and follow up on it next time you talk to her. You have to determine if your best friend is just a really private person, or if she doesn't want to burden you with her problems since she knows you're busy with your family etc.

We had a similar situation in a church group I belonged to. We thought it would be nice to have prayer buddies we could call when things got bad. It didn't work! Turns out all of us were working moms with enough things to worry about, and we all felt guilty about dumping our concerns on someone else.

As for your SIL, CALL her once a month so you can have a two-way conversation. Call for no real reason other than to check on how life is for her. Then, after a year, see if she calls back. I did that for several years after we were married, until I realized we still ONLY got calls when the inlaws wanted something.

Ann, I just wanted to let you know that I've been thinking about this thread a lot the past week. I, too, keep wondering, "What would happen if I wasn't taking care of all this?" The past few days have been the hardest. I'm hanging in there, hope you are, too!

Sheryl

Ann said:
I had to wonder just what the holidays would be like, or not like, if I wasn't doing what I do!

Today was a wake-up call for me.

1. My family doesn't think decorating for Christmas is a big deal.

2. My family also doesn't think emptying overflowing garbage cans, picking up their clothes, and taking care of dirty dishes is a big deal. (Looks like they had a party last night after I went to bed or something.)

I'm starting to think they're just lazy. If (like George Bailey) I disappeared, I think they would just live in squalor--with or without a Christmas tree.

1. My family doesn't think decorating for Christmas is a big deal.

Maybe for them it isn't. Maybe it is for you -- and there's nothing wrong with that. But this is an opportunity to either educate your family members on your level of interest in decorating, or to scale back decorating to a level you can manage yourself.

2. My family also doesn't think emptying overflowing garbage cans, picking up their clothes, and taking care of dirty dishes is a big deal. (Looks like they had a party last night after I went to bed or something.)

Sounds like maybe Mom needs to go on strike. If the garbage hangs around long enough and there are no more clean clothes to wear or dishes to use -- because the "Mom Fairy" isn't cleaning up after everyone -- there may be a greater appreciation of what you do -- and of a clean house, clothing, and dishes. I can tell you for a fact that future roommates and spouses will appreciate your taking on that bit of education.

Oh Steve, you are SO FUNNY!

I've tried the strike thing. The neighbors made fun of the house, the living room barely had a path through it, and the guys never did get the hint.

It's really my husband who is the biggest problem. The boys DO know how to clean, it's often just a matter of reminding them to take care of their own things, and a matter of finding them home long enough to help take care of the other jobs. If I'm not watching, they take their dad's "lead" and leave things all over.

This year I had hoped to have a Christmas party and invite a bunch of friends over. So far it's looking like it won't happen. I couldn't get the days off I wanted and there is NO WAY I can clean the house ahead of time and have my husband not destroy it while I'm at work. He likes making the point that "it doesn't matter what the house looks like". After 21 years of marriage I can't convince him it matters TO ME. I have horror stories of what he's done to "prove" it doesn't matter how clean the house is for a party. Then I'm miserable, and not having a "fun" party just defeats the whole purpose!

Sheryl, thanks for the thoughts of me...I think about all of you too, frequently and with gratitude that this forum is here to keep me motivated and serve as a vent outlet!

Ann

I've been reading this thread and I really understand how everyone feels! If I didn't *make* Christmas every year, it just wouldn't happen. And I've definitely had some "George Bailey" years when I just felt like chucking the whole thing. But Christmas is important to me, so I do it. And after 13 years of marriage, I've finally learned (as Steve said) that if I want my DH to do something, I need to be excruciatingly clear about asking. Only took me about a decade to figure that one out!

This year, I've been thrilled to discover that my 10 yr old DD wants to help me with everything. She's been my right hand helper to get the decorations up, hang the outside lights, and put up the tree. In fact, she's been pushing me to do a number of things I'd planned on scaling back on this year (I've cut back on my decorating and I'm limiting the cookie baking since all the adults here are on some sort of diet). I do enjoy doing Christmas and all it entails (cards, decor, shopping, tree, etc.) and now that I have a partner in these efforts, it's great.

This year was the first that we've put floodlights outside. DH was actually the one who suggested it & put everything out; he just asked me how I wanted to position them.

I've always done the tree alone. I enjoy decorating for Christmas, so I do the amount that I want & there are no complaints.

Steve, you are so right about guys liking things spelled out for them. It took me a long time to realize that if I would say, "Honey, will you help me with this," he usually will. I did that tonight. It always seems that it takes me forever to get the tree assembled. So I asked DH to help me assemble it this time. It went up a lot faster. He would have helped me before, I'm sure, if I had asked instead of thinking that he'd volunteer to help & wondering why he didn't.

We don't do Christmas cards. I just don't have the time & DH doesn't care, so we don't bother. DH likes to wrap gifts, something I'm not very good at. That's a big help to me even though we don't buy a lot of gifts.

Julie, I had no idea you've been trying for so long to make your point!

There really isn't more I can contribute other than to repeat that you will give future daughters-in-law great gifts if you 1) keep on your sons to not be slobs, expecting that someone else will clean up after them; and 2) teach your sons that one of the keystones of any solid relationship is respect -- even when DS's and DIL's values differ (as yours and DH's do) and especially when the topic at hand is not life-changing.

Steve,

If not for my cheerful nature, sense of humor, and sunny disposition, I would go insane. I'm pretty sure I've tried everything.

IMPORTANT NOTE: He doesn't "EXPECT ME" to clean up after him. He would be perfectly happy living in a disaster zone where dishes are never done, counters are always sticky, towels are on the floor & bathrooms are never cleaned, beds are never made (blankets & pillows thrown on the floor), coats, shoes, & dirty clothes are left wherever you take them off, and nobody knows what the real color of the kitchen floor might be. Both his sisters live like that.

From his point of view, he thinks I'm "fussy" because I think dishes should be washed the same day, I prefer towels HANGING UP to dry, and I think I should be able to walk through the house in the dark without tripping over shoes in the walking areas. According to him, "nobody" makes their bed in the morning or wipes off stove tops when they spill grease or sweeps & washes floors or vacuums more than once a month or every other month.

We obviously did NOT live together before we were married! LOL

I'm going through this very thing. Every year certain things seem to be expected here that they will just happen. All the decorating, shopping, baking and entertaining. This year I'm in a foul mood because I've come to the realization that I do all the work. and I'm exhausted.I'm taking a break. So far I've done smaller decorating which I'm happy about, less shopping, (will probably give money and more gift certificates) my dh is oblivious. I have decided I'm fed up with the inlaws. They are outright rude. Every year they act so materialistic and just mean. I don't even feel like participating this year. I may take off and go skiing or just wing it with less I'm not sure but I am dreading this holiday because of my in laws. You know the movie coming out- The family stone- Sounds like my in laws. My sister in law is the worse. (Now I'll just go hibernate! and thanks for letting me vent.).....

We obviously did NOT live together before we were married! LOL

Sounds like his parents either were similar (or were compulsive neat-freaks) ... That's okay. I missed that signal, too. :-p

Sladybug--
Do we have the same inlaws? The rude and materialistic part sounded familiar.

Steve--
My inlaws never threw out anything. Even junk mail was saved, including envelopes, to use write notes. Broken things were saved for future parts-scavenging potential.

And when they died, we inherited 1/3 of the enormous junky clutter collection. Imagine my happiness at having it brought to our house, where it all becomes "sacred" having once belonged to DH's parents.

It sounds like we do. I finally got on the horn last week to make plans. I had a lot of baking to do. Guess what everyone is coming here for Christmas Eve. The comments this year have been- We're not celebrating, We're not buying , blah blah blah. I have decided to make my own plans and have fun. Hey its the holidays. My daughter is 15 and getting older. Pretty soon she will be on her own- so I'm enjoying them with her.

Julie MI Z5, I think we are married to the same type of man! My hubby is happy to live in squalor and I am not. On the other hand, I lived with him for several years before we got married (just last year) so I knew what I was getting into. I would probably cry tears of joy if he could just pick up the towel after his shower and put the dishes in the dishwasher... I guess I can keep dreaming.

As far as Christmas goes, we have a pretty good handle on things, and this is one area DH actually gets excited about and wants to help with! *gasp*! He hangs up the lights outside without being asked, and was all excited to pick out our tree as a family. He then set up the tree, put on the lights and the star. My 3 year old DD and I then decorated it, which was so fun. We put up a wreath a few stockings and hang up all the Christmas cards we get, that's it.

Now sending out our Christmas cards is a different story. I sent out 60+ cards this year, complete with picture of our daughter. Next year I am soooo downsizing!

Our dishwasher broke more than 2 months ago.we've had repairmen in four times, but it took a long time and there were several broken parts, a bad valve,bad timer, bad console and bad pump. The parts are on-order. I have been hand-washing dishes ever since the problems started. When I told my daughter the dishwasher won't be fixed for at least a week she said "that's no big deal". Of course it's no big deal for her. She has clean dishes and glasses available and she doesn't have dishpan hands!

Julie MI Z5, I think we are married to the same type of man! My hubby is happy to live in squalor and I am not. On the other hand, I lived with him for several years before we got married (just last year) so I knew what I was getting into. I would probably cry tears of joy if he could just pick up the towel after his shower and put the dishes in the dishwasher... I guess I can keep dreaming.

I wonder if I should include the phrase "not a slob" or "neat and tidy" next time I write a personals ad.... Seems like a real plus! :-)

Steve,

Here's an experiment for you: Try 2 personal ads running simultaneously.

#1: Tall, dark, very handsome, and can't pick up after myself and constantly leave a trail of debris.

#2: Average looking, not a slob, and I keep a neat and tidy house without being obsessive-compulsive.

See which one gets the most responses. LOL!

Go for it, Steve! Let us know how it turns out. We know which one will get you better QUALITY responses. (Does that sound like a mom, or what?)

Not really Steve's mom,
Susan