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joshing

Need feedback on writing something up

19 years ago

I've been playing around with it, but I'm not really happy with what I've written for Craig's List but I can't put my finger on what's wrong with it either. I still haven't figured out the price or taken pictures yet, but here's what I've got so far...

Title: 2Bd+1 loft- Ocn Vw of NB that won't be forgotten

Wake up Every Morning to an Ocean View:

Just a half a mile from the beach, almost every room in the open plan, light and airy home, has a view to savor- the kitchen, the loft (which is currently being used as a 3rd bedroom), the master suite and attached private deck, the guest suite, dining room, and the great room with its 8 feet tall windows and sliding glass door which opens up to a private patio-deck. Outside on your deck, you can quietly enjoy the refreshing ocean breeze and watch the light shimmer off the azure Pacific Ocean or invite your friends over for a barbeque.

Location, location, location:

In this former home of a All-Pro football player for the LA Rams, find out what youÂve been missing and discover what its like really like to live in Newport Beach. Just minutes away from the beach (40th street is a favorite spot for surfing), dining (Crab Cooker is a favorite local hangout), and shopping, this quiet and secluded sanctuary sits beside an undeveloped greenbelt. And, as a coveted end unit townhouse, it only shares one common wall with a neighbor so you donÂt have to worry about any bothersome noise from above or below you.

Size:

At a spacious 1600 square feet, plus the two private decks outdoors, it is an ideal size for singles, couples or families - the perfect blend.

Each bedroom has its own attached private bathroom, recently remodeled with newer vanities, granite countertops, and Pfizer faucets. The generously sized master suite has his and her faucets, his and hers closets, including a walk in closet, and a master bedroom retreat.

At 102" X 109", the loft can be used as either an office or as a third bedroom as two of the last three tenants have done. And, the attached two-car garage with its additional cabinets and shelving is very large, with plenty of space left over for storage.

Features:

natural light coming from windows on multiple sides; breakfast bar that opens up the kitchen to the dining room; high ceiling, built in bookcases and gas fireplace in the great room; linen closets; two toned Benjamin Moore paint; brand new berber carpet and brand new porcelain tile; community tennis courts, pool, spa, sauna, and plenty of visitor parking for all your friends who will want to come over to see your new home.

Comments (10)

  • 19 years ago

    My experience in LOOKING at listings on Craig's List has made me bullet-point oriented.

    I don't want to spend a lot of time reading prose. There's something about the computer screen, and an online search, that does not lend itself to reading. I want to skim.

    A small intro graph w/ very few things highlighted, and then a list, in truncated language, would be my vote

  • 19 years ago

    I agree. Short and sweet. If they want more save it for when they contact you.

  • 19 years ago

    More statements, less story type. Such as Ocean View, private patio, etc
    Close to excellent rated restruants, short walk to beach, etc
    Re-write with brief descriptions first, the walk around the house and put ideas down
    Look at the house as if you were going to buy it

  • 19 years ago

    I agree, waaaay too much verbiage. A home previously owned by a pro football player puts the following in my mind: a locker room, aftershave, liniment, and Michael Vick.

    How about this:

    2Bd +loft Ocean View of Newport Beach

    Light and airy townhome with great ocean views
    1600 square foot end unit, quiet and secluded, sits beside an undeveloped greenbelt
    Half mile to beach
    Great room has expansive windows and opens to a private patio-deck
    Master suite has two walk-in closets, private deck
    Loft currently being used as 3rd bedroom
    Attached two-car garage with cabinets and shelving for storage
    Features include: granite countertops in bathrooms, breakfast bar, high ceilings, built in bookcases, gas fireplace, linen closets; brand new berber carpet and brand new porcelain tile; community tennis courts, pool, spa, sauna, and plenty of visitor parking

  • 19 years ago

    I like Graywing's description. To the point and easy to read.

  • 19 years ago

    I read Graywing's description (sounds like a nice place). I didn't read the first one.

  • 19 years ago

    Can you put something on Craigslist if you have a realtor?

  • 19 years ago

    I agree with Talley Sue. I stopped reading after the "Wake up every morning" paragraph.

    Leave out the part about the football player...so what and who cares?

    I vote for Graywings' version. The point is to pique interest. People can contact you (or the realtor) for more details.

  • 19 years ago

    whenicit wrote: "Can you put something on Craigslist if you have a realtor?"

    Why not? The Craigslist in my area is riddled with realtor offered homes.

    Just be sure to include the agent's contact info and let them know beforehand, so it won't be a surprise when a buyer calls and say's "I saw it on Craigslist".

  • 19 years ago

    For a nicer looking craigslist ad check out Vflyer. It just takes a few minutes to set up, then you copy and paste the code provided into your craigslist ad. And it's free!