Like most people here I don't expect a gift when hosting a dinner party or event and I'm thankful when someone brings one. It's the thoughtfullness that counts...a gift is a gift. Granted some gifts are more thoughtfull and others elicit a chuckle or two from me. My sons learned their lessons early, sometimes they would ask me what to take and now, grown, they wouldn't be caught dead without a gift for the hostess. Most important is the day after! Once a friend said to my husband "Your wife is the only person who called to thank me after the New Year Party." There must have been over 150 people at the party. What's has happened to good manners? And no, acknowledgement in Facebook or a text is not the proper thing to do. :-)

I never expect my guest to bring a gift. It is my joy to have guests in my home. However, being raised with high manners, southern ones at that, I try to keep a collection of fun host/hostess gifts to take to places we are invited. I sometimes make little artsy/craftsy things for people I am especially close to and know their taste. My husband is well known in our area for his home grown and preserved secret recipe salsas. We have friends that make jams and jellies. When our circle of friends has a dinner party. we all trade out our latest creations, but we keep it simple. And, a proper "thank you" note is always appropriate. However, rarely seen these days.

I think the problem with the whole gifting thing is it has gotten completely out of control. A proper host gift was a small "thank you" token gift like a nice set of note cards, a seasonal candle, sink side lotions....not a $40 bottle of wine. I don't know why that over gifting concept started. The only thought I have is it comes from our American materialism. The host gift has become another "out do you".

I prefer not to receive food or wine of any sort as a hostess gift. I'm gathering from the posts that people would rather nothing or something that's personal to the hostess say her favorite scented candle or soap or a book she's been wanting vs a gift for gifts sake. I do agree with that. The best gift for me would be my guests raving about the food or the presentation of my home. Usually my first visit at someone's home I'll bring something but after that I'll ask if I could bring something and the answer is almost always no. Based on these Posts I will think about personalized gifts in the future. Thanks

Paulita Hayes Interior Design

I do not believe it has much if anything to do with American materialism, I believe it has more to do with appreciation. When we are asked to a home for dinner, the first words out of my mouth other than "Let me check with my husband to be sure we will both be free that evening" is always "Is there anything we can bring?" If the answer is no & they are close friends, we go with that, knowing when they say no, they mean it. But if they are new acquaintances or colleagues & we have never been to their home & know little to nothing about them or what they expect then I always feel that maybe a little something is in order to show that we appreciate the invitation.

But I believe that some people bring a gift for just the simple reason of showing their appreciation for being thought of & invited to the gathering.

if anything in america it seems to have gone by the wayside in most areas.

I hope my guests never think I expect a hostess gift. If necessary, I am comfortable with accepting a gift I can share that evening, such as wine or chocolate. Nothing that requires prep, cooking or heating. No flowers unless already arranged in a vase that doesn't need to be returned, and no item I need to mentally record on the run and associate with the giver to try to remember to send a thank you note.

I have an acquaintance who is a re-accessorizing addict. A theme lasts two months to a year in her home, so she avoids accessory build-up by keeping a "reverse hostess gift" table behind a decorative screen in her foyer. Discontinued artifacts are kept there and all guests are cordially invited to help themselves.

I forgot to mention in my earlier post that I have, on occasion given my guests gifts...say for the first person to rsvp or the first person to arrive (if it's a couple I pay close attention to who walks in first ;) or even the 5th person to arrive. Its a great way to get rid of past Christmas Company gifts or small finds at your discount store and its fun. Its seems to be a big hit and people are really into showing up and rsvp'ing promptly.

In the South (US), it is customary to bring some token of appreciation to a host. I generally bring a nice bottle of wine or a locally sourced specialty gourmet gift. Nothing that would demand display or offering that night, but simply to be enjoyed at the host's leisure. I am always appreciative of guests that take the time to offer the same sort of token of appreciation.

We moved from the West to the upper Midwest. In Colorado people usually brought wine. I surely don't expect a hostess gift, but appreciate the gesture. I will often bring a nice bottle of wine. It is a mix here - some dont bring anything while others have brought homemade items like crackers or jam, or garden vegetables. We have also received really cheap wine a few times, the $3/bottle stuff, which is almost funny. I guess it can be used for cooking.

Midwest Traditions vary by state and city. Great Hostess Gift Suggestions for Michigan are Michigan Made Products in a gift basket; Michigan Wines or Non-alcoholic beverages; locally made candies/chocolates; seasonal produce/fruits in a cute container; small garden or holiday wreath and art show finds. If you know your host/hostess well give something more personal like seasonal scented candles; handmade sign; vase or cloth napkins/table runner; or his/her favorite seasonal treat gifted in a unique package. Be creative. My favorite hostess gift is a Big Hug. NOTE: Not everyone drinks wine/beer/spirits, please check first before you purchase any alcoholic beverages for a host/hostess, never assume that a bottle will be appreciated. In Michigan we are blessed with neighbors from many walks of life, many have alcohol-free kitchens and homes, please honor your host/hostesses traditions. Cheers.

Close friends, no. Just acquaintances, yes. It's a matter of who's doing you a favor you might not have a chance to repay in kind.

I find many of the comments on this thread ungracious and snotty. For instance, phoena, perhaps your guest wants to bring a hostess gift, but can only afford a $3 bottle of wine. Laughing at that would hurt my feelings and be embarrassing; especially since one of my favorite bottles is $6. And my husband and I love going to wine tastings and aren't cheap. We simply find it delicious and enjoy introducing it to our friends. Perhaps expand your mind a bit and you might find something new.

One of the comments early on mentioned specifically requesting no gifts; I cannot think of anything more crass. (I have had this same discussion many times regarding many occasions and no one will ever change my mind.) Same as asking for donations to a food bank or charity. While it may seem as if you are being generous, it comes across as the host behaving superior to a guest who would like to show appreciation for being invited into someone's home.

I was also always taught hostess' gift, especially something such as wine or flowers, was to be sent the day before or the morning after. And I've never heard of writing a thank you note for a hostess gift. The hostess gift is a show of appreciation, a thank you by nature.

That said, I have been accused of being old-fashioned. Some of my favorite hostess gifts: Nice stationary, linen napkins, pretty journal, a guest book for someone who hosts often, fresh fruit from my garden or the farmer's market in a cute basket or small tidbit plate.

As far as receiving hostess gifts, anything is welcome, even if it is just my guest. Emphasis on welcome.

Dear Isabellita 20 a.k.a. Gracious Hostess, You expressed yourself eloquently. A hostess is always kind, gracious and respectful to all of her guests. It would be an honor to be invited to your home for dinner. Thanks for sharing your comments on the topic of hostess gifts. May you have many wonderful gatherings this season. Cheers, Blueinspiration

I don't expect a hostess gift, but it is nice when it happens. I always take a gift to a party and flowers always work. My second favorite, if I know my host and hostess enjoy it, is wine.

I'm unable to stay quiet any longer...and I'm going to break the biggest rule of etiquette: I'm going to state the "rules of proper etiquette" to people who obviously, for whatever reason, don't know those rules. These rules are not my opinion. They aren't things "my mother always told me." By accident of birth, I was privileged to spend years attending scores of "proper etiquette" classes and to have been raised in a "well-bred environment." Many social and corporate groups have asked me to speak to their group on "proper etiquette." Am I breaking social rules by telling people that their social behavior is incorrect? Yes, absolutely. So WHY am I going to write (on this website) about "proper rules?" Because responders to Houzz' question appear to be people with a good heart. Nice people. VERY nice people. But I feel a responsibility to inform them of "proper etiquette."

There are many simple "social rules" that most people know:

1. As a female guest, NEVER wear all white to a wedding.

2. Never give a shower for YOUR daughter.

3. Never bring your wrapped wedding gift to the actual wedding.

4. Never use horrendous grammar (such as, "He don't know nothing about that" or "Where's she at?")

If someone breaks one of the above 4 'rules', the lack of social knowledge is obvious to others. The issue of hostess giving is a little different.

Rules at gatherings of family and/or lifelong very close friends are totally different from the rules for unfamiliar social gatherings. If everyone in your family social circle always takes a hostess gift, do feel free to do the same. BUT...and this is important... if you're invited to a refined socially prominent person's home, you may want to know the 'proper etiquette':

1. Do not bring flowers. The hostess has already determined ALL decorating details in her home.

2. Do not bring a gift. The party/dinner is not a shower or a child's birthday party.

3. Do not send flowers the next day.

4. DO mail an informal ("informal" is a type of stationary) handwritten sincere thank you note within 3 days.

I apologize for possibly hurting anyone's feelings. I simply want to pass on my expertise to this group of lovely people.

ha... daughter just got married... no, i didnt give her a shower but yes i had to be the one to deal with presents people brought to the wedding. happily not many folks do so any more so it was just a few, they did fit in our car although with the remains of the cake, decor and suitcases, it was a close thing. had i wanted to bring home any of the table arrangements, it wouldnt have worked. so please, send the gift ahead of time, the people who the gift is for arent going to take it with them on the party bus or their honeymoon.

I find this to be the most important though;

38240 If you happen to see this, could you tell me what you call this bug light. It would be a cute gift for someone I'm going to visit soon.

merrigay

I bought it from amazon.com
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B016UL47ZG/ref=od_aui_detailpages00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

There are other colors as you will find when you go to the link. They are about a foot high, the bulb is actual glass & the upper part is metal & inside the bulb is a string with about 5 or 6 little LED lights. You wouldn't think that would light up much but in the dark they show up pretty good!

We socialize with the same group, a lot - we will always bring a bottle wine/liquor, beer to the host house. If it is a more special occasion or larger event I will make a point to bring a little nicer gift. It ranges from a great food find to a plant to a book, maybe a nice facial scrub, etc. I try to think of who the host/hostess is and what he/she might find useful or interesting. I don't expect hostess gifts, I'm always very thrilled my guests are here are we're having a great time together!!

Pam i understand what you are saying, and normally i agree, but as a proper, kind, polite hostess, i am not going to call anyone out on those. i have vetched to myself for years about the family based shower, but the other thing your list does not provide for is the changes in society. i know I did not have a shower ever because i did not believe in that and was in a situation where I had no one else to do so.

I cannot imagine as an acquaintance or maybe a significant other, inviting myself to someone's home to give them a gift. I can not remember a single time where there were not tables stacked with presents. Maybe they left FL in those rules, but I know that if anyone had looked down their nose at the cotillion crowd, well that would have been their last invite to anywhere decent.

Just to clarify isabellita20, I have always been gracious and would never laugh at guests that have taken the time to bring a gift. My comment about cheap wine was in reference to a guest who collects expensive bottles of wine - I didn't know the gift wine was cheap until after, when I saw it at the local grocery for $2.99.

"havingfun", I'm sorry; I wasn't thorough when I wrote, "Never bring your wrapped wedding gift to the actual wedding." You're absolutely correct in responding to me by posting, "I cannot imagine...inviting myself to someone's home to give them a gift." You're right...you wouldn't do that.

Instead, you should call the bride's mother (or ask a mutual friend) where the bride is registered. Then you can find the bride's information on line or you can physically go to the store where you can see her choices. The store will wrap the gift and deliver it to the address you give them. If you choose to give her a gift that is not from the store where she's registered, it's perfectly acceptable to wrap the gift yourself and MAIL it to her house.

Many i know and have known, do not buy off that millionaire dream list, and stores do not generally deliver presents, and why would you pay the added expense of mailing? i know that by now you think i am fairly common, but i have been to expensive and poor church mouse celebrations and seen the same stack of presents. Always there is a designated family member who collects the presents. Finally , when was the last time your tried to look up a phone # or address on line? not so easy anymore. I am not trying trying to say that in a perfect world you are incorrect, but many of those rules have not applied for a long time.

No, I believe roxsy got it right in this day and age. you just have to be kind and keep every part of your face and fingers under control. Like when opening presents at one of my weddings, a small family affair and the in laws insisted - i married neither husband for his family. At any rate they had wrapped a frame with a computer generated poem. and as we unwrapped we saw a photo edge peek out. got home after the honeymoon and it was the hubby's uncle. the frame had been borrowed with the pic in it!

I believe the rules were designed for a small rather homogenous group, and used more for pointing others out for their lack of breeding. who would ever say bad speech is an etiquette thing?

i guess like real estate, its all about location. here in new england the presents are sent to the brides apt. ahead of time (except for the 3 i mentioned above....). the registries i've witnessed have a really large variety of price points... from rolling pins & cookie sheets to place settings of wedding china. and if i've waited too long and don't see value in what hasnt been selected, i send a card and check.

when i married 37 years ago (albany ny area) presents were all brought ahead of the wedding. my friends brought my presents to me, my mothers friends and relatives all ( and i mean all) came over in the month before the wedding with the present, had coffee and a piece of cake, looked over the presents i'd already received. i can't believe how time has flown since those days. and no we werent high falutin, in fact i grew up on a farm.

I'm sure these depend on the region, times, and cultures. Where I come from, at the wedding, the gift is money. I think the Italians do the same. The idea is that with the money they receive, they can pay for the wedding and have some money left to start their family life.

Yes nnignt, all the "wedding gift procedures" you explained ARE "proper etiquette" for the entire country, not just New England. There's nothing wrong with close family & close friends taking their wedding gift to the bride's home days or weeks before her wedding. In fact, the bride should have a table set up in her home where she displays all her gifts. If a gift is sent via mail or a store delivery, that opened gift also is displayed on the gift table.

The totally UNacceptable procedure is to take the gift to the actual wedding.

OH BOY, I was just about to make that totally Unacceptable procedure next Saturday *whew*...good thing I read this. I went out and bought 3 gifts and wrapped each one in white paper and layered them to look like tiers of a cake. I then decorated the boxes to look like a cake. I was so proud of my package. I wanted to proudly display my package AT the actual wedding! I spent quite a bit of money on the wrapping, and the time to do it, but I am not going to drop another $20 bucks to deliver it, SO, I am keeping the gifts for myself, and going out tomorrow to buy a gift card to drop in the box that I am sure they will have.

Thanks for this post, I haven't been to wedding that I ever brought a gift and have always gone the gift card or check route. What was I thinking??

PS, forgot to mention, I was raised by a pack of wolves;)

LOL.....Aroooo!

and don't forget keep those prezzies so you don't insult, don't bother buying a new one, just mail a photo of the lovely wrapping job! odd, i thought us wolves were spreading out across the country, i guess we aint so wide spread as i thought! arrooooo!!!

Pam Connor

I don't agree. I have been to weddings where the reception was held at the same venue as the wedding & there was a gift table set up. That way guests who did not make the shower or were from out of town could still bring a wrapped gift if they chose.

Not everyone that attends a wedding attends the shower & not everyone can afford to have gifts shipped, even if they are ordered & shipped direct. We are in Alaska & just normal everyday shipping of something can easily run double or more than the total price of the item itself. Plus it just isn't as fun to receive an unwrapped cardboard box with a packing label attached.

What's so wrong about bringing a gift to a wedding anyway? I mean if that is the only way you can get it to the couple, what's wrong with that? You can leave it in your vehicle & give it to the family or place it in the bride's dressing room or whatever. Even if the gifts are not to be opened until later it doesn't matter when they are given. Not like someone is going to interrupt the ceremony by asking the bride as she goes up the isle "excuse me, where would be the best place for me to put this gift I brought?" & someone jumps up, runs over, slaps them down & tells them that isn't "proper wedding etiquette".........

OK- now I am thoroughly confused.

Margo, Pam didn't say that...38240 did.

In Australia it is quite flexible. I had a gift registry at both my weddings, and my hubby's 50 th birthday. Those gifts were delivered to my mother's house, (wedding) and we picked them up (50 th bday). Those who didn't buy through the gift registry brought gifts to the wedding. My mother took them home when we were on honeymoon, at the first wedding.

The second wedding had a more informal feel, though it was a proper function; the venue also had gambling elsewhere, so after the guests wandered off at the end we packed up gifts and any props we hadn't given away, and took them home, before going to our hotel.

I highly recommend gift registries, as long as they have a very wide range of price points. In Four Weddings and a Funeral, the price point was too high.

I said what?
If anyone is wondering how this got from hostess gifts to wedding etiquette, they aren't the only ones. I just thought I would throw in my 2 cents on it.

there are times 38240, it does not pay to wonder, we just go with the flow!

Oops, I just assumed Margo thought the previous post was from Pam since it starts out with Pam's name and she missed 38240 before it....I know I did at first:(

Margo, is much more astute than I, so that probably isn't the case. I am not sure why she is confused then.

You are right 38240, how did this turn into a wedding gift etiquette conversation, or grammar conversation or who was raised in a "well bred environment" (whatever the heck that is supposed to mean)?

I agree with your post 38240. :)

Margo has confused me. Lol Blame Margo!

In Wyoming when I was young, there was a gift table at the reception. It was piled high with presents by the end of the night. And yes, wolves have been reintroduced and are doing quite well there.

OK - to clear up the confusion, I did think it was Pam contradicting herself.

So, Roxsol, I am not more astute that you. I did miss 38240 above the post.

Bottom line: I am NOT bringing the gift to the wedding reception and taking the chance of giving anyone to have ANOTHER reason to talk about me ') The last wedding reception of this same family, one of the cousins took a phone pic of my toes. I wore opened toed shoes. She asked me if I bit my toe nails lololol. Well, needless to say, it was NOT funny at the time. I have not worn open toed shoes since. Weddings can be so cruel...

and Yes 38240, like havingfun says, sometimes when you are in the Houzz, you just go with the flow~~~~~~~

yes, cause sometimes? the explanation is more confusing than the cause of it. or is that because of it? cost of it? yeah that must be it! brew haha!

Geez Margo, they treat people like that & you still go to their weddings AND give a gift? You are a nicer person than I am. I would have ignored the invite or responded...... Maybe next time!

LOL!

I am always prepared for flowers and have several vases lined up and ready to go! I am thankful that people think to bring me a little gift no matter what it is. If people bring food and it does not match what I am serving and it is not for their dietary needs - I tell them I am keeping it for myself and thank them. A good host/hostess is a gracious hostess who doesn't let the actions of others bother them nor do they comment on them. I do love getting a hand written thank you note!

Like Home Interiors by Shawn, I have friends in Mexico who would be insulted if anyone brought something to their parties - it indicates that you think the host is incapable of providing everything for their guests.

I hope no one would bring me flowers, as I am allergic to many of them and would have to put them outside. However, I like it when guests bring wine, especially if it is something that they want to drink at the party and share. I certainly do not expect it and am not disappointed if no one brings anything.

They also had better not bring their dog. There are people that I have purposely not invited to parties because I know that they take their dogs with them everywhere.

No, If I decide to entertain, the people that are invited are my guest. I do not want they to bring a gift or a food dish. Nor do I expect kitchen help of any kind. If I am entertaining, I would like the people who are invited to arrive on time, mingle with the other guest, not talk about religion or politics. If I have entertained a number of people and they did enjoy themselves, it would be nice but not necessary to receive a short note that said something to the effect of "We had a great time, thank you."

No expectation whatsoever however, I must admit I rarely show up at other gatherings without wine, gift or contribution to the event!