.????? Three people and one wants to bring Mac and cheese? Of course you want it. No question.

I saw this on the Fivethirtyeight blog last week.

I hope someone is bringing the sweet potato pie, Linelle! My ex-husband's mother was from South Carolina so I learned how to make it from her, and now everyone who I've made it for prefers it over pumpkin pie. I've got sweet potato custard cups in the oven now since I'm cutting back on fats, so no pie crust this year. Plenty of whipped cream though!

I'm kinda sorry I posted this now. Before she even told me about it, my daughter had nixed the mac and cheese. I'm sure it's a staple somewhere, as is sweet potato pie. When he (or his mom) hosts Thanksgiving dinner and invites us, I will relish their traditional dishes. We are Bay Areans and not unproud of that. I'm serving up our family's traditional Thanksgiving dinner and hope boyfriend finds it palatable. He has been an overnight guest in my home before and am pretty sure he already feels welcomed and comfortable.

Mayflowers, as a Left Coaster, your map don't lie. :-)

I thought everyone everywhere had rolls. No mac and cheese here in SC, but I do have sweet potato casserole and dressing and rolls.

Bumble, I thought everyone had rolls too. Even in Saladville, we have rolls. I'm not a huge fan of mac and cheese period. Lime jello is the worst.

We've always had a fairly casual Thanksgiving ... even back when we hosted. A formal table just isn't me. Wasn't until many years later that our annual tradition changed with an invitation to a friend's house in the country. He would fry a couple turkeys and provide beverages; guests brought the appetizers, sides, and desserts. Didn't matter if there were duplicates. It was such a wonderful way to spend the day.

RIP Andy!

I don't see any implication that you aren't a good cook Annie. My point is not that bringing a hostess gift is wrong or that thanksgiving isn't about sharing, but that sometimes it's nice to have one's wishes paid attention to. Other than that I should be thankful I guess that our Thanksgivings sound less stressful than a lot of other people's.

We never have rolls for family dinners or with friends and that doesn't just include dinner at our place but at other family members and at the homes of friends. For me, they always seemed like a meal filler or a cop-out for not wanting to prepare something else. But salads - there are always salads

(From the west-coast. )

Here's another regional difference; in western Canada, and likely other places, rolls are buns. We eat buns with our Thanksgiving and Christmas meals. I'm sure that sounds funny to others.

The implication is made by mtn, not Annie. Mtn states the reason she doesn't want her family member to bring anything this year is because the duplicate dish from last year was "semi-homemade, homely, and on a disposable serving dish", causing a crisis in the kitchen as she had to decide whether to serve THAT THING (my words) instead of her picture-perfect creation. I think that one description more than anything is what's making some of us unsympathetic to mtn's dilemma.

could be a good topic for Thanksgiving dinner discussion. Or a disaster topic, maybe . . .

I think it was the stepson in the beach house with the cranberry sauce. ;)

I approach Thanksgiving very similarly to Cyn.. but my sister (our host for the past few years) views it more like Mtn. It's all good.. we each have our own styles and methods to eliminate chaos, stress and drama.

Mayflowers, you beat me to it about the homely version vs. the gourmet creation. Not to mention that I like my green jello mold and have gotten a lot of compliments on it including requests for the recipe...not that I'd ever bring that to someone's house....

Here's chowhound on this very topic.

To some extent I think this is less about the homely version "ruining" the appearance of the buffet than it is about sparing feelings? My SO is a former pastry check for a couple of high concept restaurants whose most casual efforts will outshine lots of people's. It's been embarrassing to us when the desserts we've brought get demolished when a near duplicate gets ignored. It's like showing off when really it's all in a day's work. and not much effort in our kitchen. At least that's what I had read into it?

And she's not the one who brought up green jello. Why would someone take offense at a joke about green jello? Is this actually such a sensitive issue to have "no sympathy" for the actual dilemma. Catfights between two relatives, neither of which seem very admirable get all sorts of sympathy in this forum but getting all defensive because you fear there is an implication that your jello might not get universal love? This whole thing just seems childish, now.

Annie, so there's no right answer, other than to be gracious and kind when someone arrives with an unsolicited offering.

At my recent dinner for 5, one guest (originally from Michigan) immediately asked if it was a potluck. Potlucks are the standard with these church friends, so it was an automatic response. I thanked her and said, nope, just bring yourself. She seemed fine with that. :) Another fellow (a widower and non-cook) asked if he could bring a cake from a nice bakery. I already had a homemade dessert planned, so I thanked him and said what I really needed was a nice loaf of sour dough from that very bakery. He seemed delighted to be given a specific task. One guest offered to bring wine, her specialty. The guest of honor didn't offer to bring anything and I was relieved about that. A grand time was had by all.

Back in the day (50s, 60s) my parents, family and their friends didn't drink wine like we do now. Everyone brought a box of See's candy when they came to dinner at our house. Everybody was glad, esp. my dad.

...good thing I had no other plans for the evening; that Chowhound thread is fascinating :)

pal, you clearly misunderstood the sentiment behind my jello comment which was meant with a light heart. I fully recognize the "cachet" of jello molds.

And as far as sympathy for the topic, I think it needs to be kept in perspective...I suspect there are a couple of billion people in the world who would be delighted to have the problem of too much food for dinner.

....and who really don't care what it looks like.

So, the thread morphs to jello and I have a mother who has been making a foul creation called Cold Duck Salad since the Sixties. She thinks it is simply marvelous and clearly does not notice that she is the only one who eats it. Each holiday she volunteers it.......what am I supposed to say? At least it arrives in a cut crystal dish and looks festive. Until this thread I did not realize that made me lucky as it could taste awful AND be ugly, lol!

Foul Fowl :)

Curious what you think it might be made of KSWL

Personally, the only time I have ever been offended by a guest bringing food items not specifically requested was when my MIL showed up at the first Thanksgiving dinner I hosted with a boiled chicken. Yes, a plain boiled chicken!! After I finally picked my jaw up on the floor while trying to figure out how I was going to incorporate boiled chicken into my menu I told her, as politely as possible, that I appreciated the thought but that I had more than enough food and that we would put it in our extra fridge so she could take it home.

I really don't mind if someone brings something that is already prepared and can be set out, even if it needs to be re-heated. Even if it doesn't go with my carefully planned menu. It's not a competition and if someone wants to eat it, fine. I figure the more food, the better, and this gives guests a bigger selection to choose from. But a boiled chicken? WTH was I supposed to do with THAT? Put it on a tray next to the turkey and ham?

I can't tell you how many times my DH, kids and I have laughed about that over the years. Whenever we're invited to a potluck, DH tells me to take a boiled chicken. It always makes me chuckle.

Kippy, Cold Duck is a bottled fizzy alcoholic drink of some kind. The salad is made with that beverage, raspberry jello, sliced celery and walnuts. Probsbly other things as well. And on top, a dollop of sour cream/cool whip mixture!

edited to add, I looked it up and it was originally made of mosel, rhine and champagne in equal parts. The original has its roots in a blend made in Detroit in 1937. . The stuff mother uses was bottled by a Canadian company called Andre beginning in the late 60s / early 70s. It was a wild success, followed by such blends as Baby Duck, Daddy Duck, Fuddle Duck, etc.. I guess I should be thankful that she did not move on to other "salads" made with even less appetizing drinks!

Apropos of the conversation, someone posted this on facebook...

How bad does one have to cook to be asked to bring the soft drinks to Thanksgiving dinner!?! For years, I was asked to bring the relish tray, but now, I have been downgraded even from the relish tray to soft drinks. Oh my!

I think a good hostess will always put their guests first, as much as possible anyway. The boiled chicken would have been difficult though!

I have set a container of Sabra hummus on a beautifully decorated buffet table after putting it on a plate and surrounding it with crackers. It bothered me but I wouldn't want to slight the guest. I've also set a big, old aluminum pot with black handles on the buffet table that my mil brought, filled with crowder peas. She would have felt terrible if I had transferred them to a bowl as she always felt intimidated at my "fancy" house. Had never seen a charger plate before. Is afraid to use the linen napkins. That kind of thing. Grew up with an outhouse.

I didn't like it, inwardly was cringing, but, everybody knew it was her pot of beans, and thought I was too much into the way things look anyway.

I wasn't always that way though. I made an ass of myself for years when I first got married, wanting everything perfect.

Strictly speaking, etiquette wise it is indeed rude to show up at a dinner party with an unannounced and unsolicited dish, and expect to insinuate oneself into the menu. Presumably hosts take on a lot of responsibility and work to accommodate their guests, and you either help or get out-of-the-way. It's not helpful to throw anybody for a loop. And it is so easily avoided, just by discussing it in advance.

But I don't think most of us would do that that or at least none of us have copped to it. And I think all of us know how to handle it when it happens. Except maybe the person who took the cheese platter and squirreled it of the way; I'm not so sure about that behavior. I'd be mad too.

it really seems very easy for the host and the guest to avoid this, if they just talk. I would also do what the OP did here, which is to highlight my guest's offering and therefore not put out anything that I had that was duplicate. The number one rule with any etiquette question is what makes other people feel the most comfortable.

Personally I'm not a fan of a hostess gift. It's also not what I was taught growing up. My parents were very social and with my fathers profession they gave and attended a lot of dinner parties. They were sticklers for handwritten thank you notes which I know is now anachronistic. But the other thing that they would usually do was to send along a clipping or cartoon or recipe or something that related to the conversation from the evening. To me that's all more personal and makes more sense as a thank you. I do still send cards but most of what we read is electronic, so no clippings.

The whole discussion reminds me of an old Seinfeld episode. Does anyone remember the one with the loaf of rye bread? There's no question that there are a lot of social issues that arise around food traditions. In the episode George is meeting his fiancé's parents. First they make the decision that the best hostess gift to bring is a loaf of rye bread. This is common, people often select gifts based more on what they want than the recipients. I kind of doubt that the recipient wanted Ryebread. Anyway it was very important to bring the Ryebread especially because George and his family saw them selves as being in a lower social class that his fiancé. And they weren't comfortable about that. The other funny part of it is they complain about not getting coffee cake with their coffee, and essentially put down their hosts for such an obvious "slight". It's all pretty funny but I think a lot of us can identify with what's going on in that episode.

people often select gifts based more on what they want than the recipients

Ain't that the truth.

Kswl, my mom was a Cold Duck lover! I haven't heard that name in years.

I did in fact bring the topic up at my friends' house this Thanksgiving. All I got were a blank look and "why are you even talking about this?"

I brought a bottle of wine and some color-your-own turkey eyeglasses; both opened and used more or less eagerly.

Linelle: See's Candy has always been a holiday tradition in my family, too.

Most Canadian teens have a Baby Duck story or two to tell.

Dinner was fabulous. Nobody brought anything extra which was good because I had way too much. We briefly discussed regional traditional food and mac and cheese came up. Nobody pouted or felt unappreciated. They're currently eating pie and groaning in ecstasy.

flowerpwr45 - so do their parents.

Mtn, I'd certainly love to hear what magazine worthy dish you made!

kswl, I've never heard of Cold Duck Salad, but we always had Cold Duck and Blue Nun on our holiday table in the 70s (in suburban Detroit). And I was allowed to drink some in my mini wine glass from the time I was very young.

Jules, thanks for the memory! As kids we were given a small glass of my dad's homemade wine at holiday meals.

We had Cold Duck at our holiday table too! And yup, I used to drink a small glass as a kid.

I bet I'd still like it. So retro!

Until kswl clarified, I pictured a salad made with meat from a duck. Maybe something like a chicken salad. I was so surprised to read what it really is. For the record, I would avoid it either way.

Omg the only thing worse than Cold Duck salad would be a salad made of actual cold duck!!

I am enjoying these ducky memories and now am curious about the Canadians and their mysterious Baby Duck stories. ( I am guessing they're remarkably similar to small airplane bottles of Jack Daniels stories....)

I hope mtnrd comes back and tells us if her note worked and if her guests brought anything or not...maybe some lime jello?

Baby Duck was a very sweet (soda pop sweet) , cheap fizzy wine inspired by Cold Duck (actually the maker tried to call it Cold Duck).. Actually still is manufactured but it peaked in the early 1970s and was Canada's best selling "wine" for many years. Before that most fine drank in Canada was port or sherry and the table wine market was almost nonexistent. Even into the 90s in Nova Scotia there were way more spirits (rum n rye) in the liquor stores than wine and that's with all alcohol being sold through the liquor store (no wine or beer in convenience stores).

I asked my husband about it and he said they didn't drink that but they drank a lot of hobo wine (cheap fortified wine). Once they found a dollar off coupon in the paper in the high school library for Zing, a gin flavoured 40 proof wine, taking it from $5.99 to $4.99 a bottle... They bought a lot of bottles.

The first time I got drunk was on Baby Duck!

Annie, does your lime jello mold have celery, pecans, crushed pineapple and whipped evaporated milk? My husband's aunt brought that to a Thanksgiving dinner in the 70's. I liked it. It was good with ham too. I haven't made that in years. My cousin's aunt used to make a mold with strawberry jello, strawberries and sour cream. That was always her contribution to any holiday dinner year round. I remember sometimes her jello didn't set so well and it was kind of soupy. At Thanksgiving dinner this year I told my almost 2 year old grandson that he didn't get to call a food item " yucky" until he gave it a try.

That lime jello recipe sounds familiar. My mom used to make one like that with celery, pecans, crushed pineapple as well. I don't remember the evaporated milk but I think hers had cottage cheese in it. Gosh I loved that recipe. I may have to make it but will be the only one eating it. Oh well.

All of this jello talk reminds me of Ambrosia? A neighbor growing up used to make it with mini marshmallows, sour cream, coconut and those canned mandarin oranges. I always loved that but I doubt anyone but me would eat it.

So, in re last year's shameful culprit, I took Gramarows suggestion and simply texted her essentially " if I didn't mention it before, everything is pretty much covered, so just bring your appetite!!"

She texted back that she was glad to know that because she is so busy with xyz and didn't really have the time anyway, etc etc. On the day, she did show up with cookies, but that was actually great because they are easy enough to store, and certainly didn't overlap anything, and even though we had a lot of desserts, a cookie or two is always welcome.

A different guest called me on their way up and told me they would be driving past an open grocery store, so just let them know if there was anything I needed last minute. I thought that was really nice, and as it turned out I did need a lemon and it was nice not to have to run out (plus our local grocers were not open at all on that day).

We drove up last Tuesday night, and opened the door to a stench. DH had stored bait in the basement freezer, and the landscapers working on the stone patio for the pool popped a circuit breaker and the fridge was off, for several weeks. Thank goodness we aired things out and it was all fine ... or we would have had a plein air Thanksgiving. Which might have been possible as it was so mild, and hit 60 iirc on friday! Last year we had snow, which i prefer.

I brined turkey breasts this year, a first for me. I was surprised at how easy and effective it was. I brined them only three hours in 4qts of water, 1/2 c salt and 1/4 c brown sugar, each. Then airdry in the fridge overnight. Stuffed 4T seasoned butter under the skin of each one, then cooked it 425 for 30 min and 325 for 1hr (each breast was about 7lb). Perfect, except as Rococo mentions the pan drippings are salt water. Good thing I made gravy in advance with turkey parts.

I did almost all of my cooking Wednesday, with everyone helping, so the day of the holiday was pretty easy. I was so glad to have two dishwashers, because we also had a full house (and then some) sleeping over, so you really want a clean kitchen in the morning. So you can dirty it all over again!

This was only my second time hosting a ThxG meal for a large group at the beachouse, and only the third time hosting ever. Growing up, our family lived far away and ThxG was usually immediate family for dinner, and a then a sort of openhouse dessert party with neighbors and their guests --- that was fun. As an adult, I used to go back to my Mom's house, then my sister's or brother's. Once i had it at my house, but it was inconvenient for everyone else; they are all in the same town. By the time we had our own kids, we started the tradition of going to our lakehouse for the holiday (which is far for any of our relatives) and it just being the five of us. Ski season always started the next day and that was part of the tradition; skiing the day after. I do miss that about having the lakehouse; really nowhere to ski near our beachhouse.

Anyway, it all went very smoothly and the biggest controversy was over board games, which we all play to the death!

Mine is very simple and very tasty...lime jello, sour cream, crushed pineapple and chopped pecans. I usually make it for Easter as it's refreshing and goes well with ham....for those of us who like it.

I don't like much of anything lime, as so often commercial lime flavoring tastes like cleaning fluid smells. So maybe in another flavor. Does the sour cream supplant some of the water for jello? Do the pecans go in or on top?

No Margaritas?

Mtn, I'm with you when it comes to lime flavoring. Real lime is quite lovely and I use it quite often in salads. But lime jello, candy, etc. is just the worst.

Strawberry Margaritas, sometimes, or Mojito w fresh lime, or a Cosmo with a slice of lime. Although I can barely drink one of those without feeling unwell ... drinking is a "use it or lose it" skill, I find!

Despite chilly temps for California, I made a big green salad for lunch. It was nice not to have all my meals taste of turkey.