I think it's a good problem to have. I told my husband if I have a hobby that means I am not depressed. So that's my therapy and he should be happy:). It proved true. Because I had a little scare a few weeks ago with my daughter's health. But I was so busy looking at AVs on ebay I went through the days quickly and finally got the all-well news.

Of course the down side is I now got ~100 new AVs.

Hmmmmm...... I have both.

This is Merlin. (He is a bit camera shy).

If it is a coping mechanism, then I think more people should tend violets and have kitties! ;)

Heather - I am trying to figure out how to get another rack with lights into the house without my husband noticing. He thinks my plants are taking over the house......

I have a dog does that also count?? I love him dearly..got him when i was getting over my last depression (which was just from my childhood that dragged into my 20's). Unfortunately, I do know I have depression now...again..

I just got this shelf for Christmas and didnt even have it set up till about February...I use to have my plants on a treadmill..that I would take on and off everyday. Now...I need a new shelf..and have been hinting for another lol but really do not have extra room for a shelf... thankfully with av's I can find a window sill...I have poinsettias that are taking up one shelf..I kinda wished I started with av's..there a lot more fun than my other plants..and I could of had more of them

Yes Heather! Dogs count. He is such a sweetheart!

The thing about depression is that it can come and go. It is important that you take care of yourself.

I would add that new AV shelf. I think it is a wonderful hobby and when they flower, we feel so good about ourselves.

Take care.

True..I know why it came..where it's coming from..just a situation I've had going on for 2.5 years. If I were to be honest..not taking good care of myself..and we'll leave it at that. I guess the fact that I'm actually communicating here is good..because I've been completely shut off from every social media..they are all deactivated or account deleted..currently have my phone disconnected. .and I'm rarely verbal..if I talk for more then 20 mins my voice goes and my throat hurts lol..

I think that's why I dove head first into av..when they flower they're just so cheerful looking! I've become obsessed with the pioneer women..no kitchen of my own..but everything just looks so happy..if I ever have my own kitchen I'll be set!

It is wonderful that you are communicating. You are making progress and you should feel good about that. I think the African Violets are therapeutic as well as having animals.

Heather, I don't think you should worry about your growing plant collection. I know we joke here about having too many plants and being addicted to acquiring new ones all the time, but really growing plants is very therapeutic. It just shows that you're reaching out for the right things to help yourself out of the darkness. Nurturing plants is balm for the soul. How did I become a rose grower (big time - like 250 varieties)? When my sons left for work and college and didn't seem to need me anymore. How did I end up with a 4 shelf light stand packed with AV's? When my DH passed away suddenly at age 59, leaving me alone with an elderly dog for company. Those were maybe not episodes of clinical depression (and I do know what that is as several family members are affected with that illness) but all the same the plants helped me when I was down. Cope any way that works for you, I say.

And glad you're here and talking to us. Best wishes,

Anne

as long as i can keep them alive..lol

i'll be honest..and i've been thinking of your response..and wondering if i should be honest or not...

I use to not understand why i went through all of those things for years..I questioned big time..But summer of 2015 I realized why I went through all of those things..to make me stronger..to deal with what I was going through then (and still now)..but more bad things happened..more situations where I did not deserve happiness...friends..income..you name it....eventually I learned that he felt I was so undeserving of anything and everything...and thats why he took it all away..Then something happened beginning of last month..and I thought all of this wait was finally paying off..that this was finally turning my way..And as usual, I got slapped in the face with reality...I was put in my place and shown what I deserved...and that was pretty much absolutely nothing..Once that happened..from then on..my wait and patience meant nothing. What I put myself through and kept on going despite what life threw at me at every possible time..meant nothing...as I wouldnt be rewarded...just given what I deserved..which was nothing..I have lost everything..and everyone..income..etc..to the point where I basically sit and stare because I just have nothing else..and didnt deserve anything..I then thought well this is what I deserved..anything bad..thats what I deserve...I wasnt meant to be happy...none of my patience would be rewarded..I'm just undeserving..I gave up years worth of making my life better...and before that happened..I was in the best place ever..for a certain outcome..that i was willing to do anything and put myself through whatever was needed for that outcome..well last month i learned none of it meant anything..i didnt mean anything..nor did my happiness..All of the bad stuff that has happened in the last 2.5 years..i was meant to have..because that is what I deserved...and it'll continue because that is my life..and maybe it was my mistake those couple of years I spent working on myself..working out..losing weight..and then thinking I actually was worth far more than I ever gave myself credit for...that someone would be lucky to have me..and considered myself ..one of a kind..which was huge to think of myself in that way...now..realizing what I actually deserve..I'm just worthless..so it doesnt matter..I deserved to lose everyone in my life..because I wasnt worthy enough to have someone help me through any of this..I've dealt with it alone..and actually there arent many people who truely know whats going on..I have gotten really good at pretending...and hiding...

all of this was for nothing..my life was completely destroyed..including me...and it all meant absolutely nothing..other then I deserved it..i've at least learned the great art of disappearing..and the funny thing is no one has bothered to look..no one cared..and thats fine..i deserved that too i'm sure..I just wouldnt count on me to be around here...because I probably have said too much...or this will get taken away just like everything else has..or another bad thing happens..and i shut down even further..

Oh Heather ... you don't deserve bad times, ... they just happen.

So sorry to hear all that has happened to you.

What kind of support system do you have ?

Do you belong to a loving church ?

My wife and I have had some bad times this year, and though it takes effort to rouse ourselves to commune with our church/support systems, ... we've found that it does make things better.

Don't disappear Heather. You've made some very positive steps in the past years. Get out among people who will love you, and who will remind you of God's love for you.

You've made a lot of new friends here on the African Violet forum. Try to keep moving forward ...

None..except my mom..which I keep some things from her. .but she knows the most..this situation is not something I can easily just go to people and them understanding. .it's kind of a rare experience and only makes sense to those that have gone through the same..I knew I couldn't go to anyone after my two best friends (whom I haven't heard from since) kinda blew it off and didn't try to understand or at least stand by my decision..or at least trust it.

I can't really get out..and I dont have the money to..so I'm trapped at home which is fine..having gone through this solely alone..those that have come on my life in the last 2.5 years have been taken..in one way or another..and usually ends badly..so the less people I associate with the better..the less I lose..right now..this is my only social place..this will get taken from me.. which no one has yet to believe me..but has come true in the last 2.5 years..

Bad I know happens..not to this extent not to the point where none of my patience..begging or prayers are being heard or answered. But it's fine..I've realized that I don't deserve anything good anyway. .I've accepted it..disappearing is the only way I can handle what comes at me

Heather, I am a pretty practical person (being a guy), ... so, I am going to tell you a bit about my life experience.

Life has not always been easy for me. I had most of the benefits of living in America (i.e. food, shelter, health care, a good family, opportunity for education, etc.), ... but I had some difficulty with my social interactions. So ... I tended to avoid social situations, I was one of the kids who never really fit in. I thought that I was doomed to always be alone (even if there where lots of people around me).

It was only through continuing to try and move forward ... that I found my place in the world (I was probably around 35 at the time), ... and things began to fall into place for me. Social situations are still challenging for me, ... but I have found people who I care about and who truly care for me, ... and have found that their support helps me to bear my day-to-day struggles.

Something that was a surprise benefit to my life ... is the ability to make social connections per the internet. I have found many who enjoy the same things that I enjoy ... all from the convenience of my PC. I, obviously, like AV's, and it was hard to find people to share my enthusiasm with, ... even when those around me tried to show a hint of interest, it wouldn't really last. But, I have found Gardenweb, and Dave's Garden, and Christian Forums, and Amazon Forums, and, to some extent, Facebook, to interact with those who share my interests. That, really, has been a blessing.

So, keep trying. There is a lot of opportunity in life. Find those things which bring joy into your life, ... and cultivate those things. I mentioned that my wife and I have been having some difficult times lately, ... having to do with a somewhat out of control adult child, and in the midst of this drama, I find myself losing interest in even the things that make my life special. But, given time, my mood improves, ... and life begins to become enjoyable again, at least to some extent. Give yourself some time to heal. Keep getting up and reflecting on those things which are a blessing to you.

You mentioned that you also have Poinsettias. In addition to AV's, I have grown Poinsettias, Amaryllis, Roses, various shrubs, tomatoes, ... and there are individual Gardenweb forums for each of these interests ... as well as over 200 other areas. I would also recommend Christian Forums (whose participants are based in various parts of the world), ... where you can touch base with others who have similar interests, ... and some who, themselves, are going through tough times in their lives. Sometimes, when I read of the areas of difficulty some others are going through, ... it helps me to be more upbeat about my life.

Christian Forums - Fake it till you make it ...

As I tell my wife often, ... sometimes you just have to give yourself time to feel better. Give yourself some time Heather. And stay involved with us here. We care about you and your life, ... and you will be in my thoughts and prayers from this day forth.

BTW ... enjoy your violets. They are, definitely, one of the brighter aspects of my life. So may it be with you as well. Stay in touch ...

All my best ... Chuck

Heather- I didn't used to understand this, but now I do- suffering brings you closer to God and brings great graces.

Your words sound very familiar to me, and you are not alone. Most people really do care. Surround yourself with people that lift you up. If there aren't any right now, then it's better to wait until you meet people that can.

I have an appointment I have to go to now, but I want to write some more later today. I will pray for you today. But do me a favor in the meantime- think about your positives and what you offer to the world. And then find something you can look at today and enjoy. Take a good long look. Listen for birds, listen to music, find something neat in your place that makes you happy.

Oh Heather........ You have somehow taken on the whole world and decided somehow that it is your fault and you deserve it. Not so - Nobody deserves the sentence that you have given yourself.

I have suffered from self-esteem issues my whole life (I am 59). It took me quite a few years, counseling, a lot of reading and a whole lot of soul searching to realize several things -

Firstly, if we think poorly of ourselves, others will pick up on that and there are many that will treat us accordingly.

Secondly, bad things happen to good people as well as good things happen to bad people. We maybe cogs/tools in a plan that is for someone else. We never know what type of role we play in others' lives. So really, what happens is not always about us - it does involve other people too.

There are some wonderful groups on FB. I am in several groups groups because I am married to a man that has narcissistic personality disorder. The groups help me put things into perspective. Truthfully, I don't participate a lot in the groups, but I do read the postings and they help me - a lot.

I feel by your sharing what you have shared, that you are reaching out and I think that is so important.

I don't know how you feel about church, but church has helped me immensely and I know that others here have mentioned church.

Even if you don't believe - please remember the Serenity Prayer that they teach at AA

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I am sending prayers your way Heather. I hope to see you continue to post here. I think the interaction is important and I also think the nurturing of your plants and your dog are important to your healing.

Heather ...

My wife (and I) listen to Joyce Meyer and her motivational messages. She has gone through much pain in her life (i.e. abuse, divorce, cancer, etc.) ... yet has found peace and great meaning and purpose in her life. She specializes in helping people find joy, purpose, and meaning in their day-to-day lives. She is really down-to-earth ... and not at all preachy.

She has a number of videos on YouTube. Check her out ...

Joyce Meyer — No Parking at Any Time — FULL

Lost one more thing..lovely

Heather- I have a couple of pieces of advice. Don't ever lose track of your mom, keep the lines of communication open. Even if you don't understand why she does something, moms want what is right for their kid.

Also, if you are hiding, or not being yourself, people can see through that. I don't understand the feeling of unworthiness, (although I know someone that does feel that way), but I acknowledge it. I haven't experienced it long term, first hand.

We are all human, and everyone is different, but no humans are "better" than others. It is the actions that you do throughout life that matter.

I went through many years of hanging around the wrong people, because I was looking for something that didn't exist. I wanted a boyfriend so much that I dated some real losers, meaning they did not respect me, or treat me well. I would turn to the wrong friends, got into wrong situations, and then I wondered why I felt so horrible when it didn't work out. Once I stopped, took a good look at myself and what I wanted, I realized I had surrounded myself with the wrong things or people. I said....so long! Then I found a job that I loved, and worked really hard- put my head down and forged forward. It wasn't easy, but I did it and found great joy in accomplishment.

Life is a journey, and there will be ups and downs and learning curves. Being resilient is so very important! I've been through some major life issues, but I don't let them stop me.

Being yourself (relaxed, and knowing you are important) is foremost though, and if someone doesn't like that, then tough tootie.

Don't have friends etc..so not hanging around the wrong crowd for sure

That's ok, it will happen. it takes time to find a true friend.

honestly..after what i just woke up to..i highly doubt it..wont be talking to anyone after that..i'm just done

Hi Heather,,,,I private messaged you. Rosie

Heather, I would private message you if I could.... But the button doesn't show up for me. I started reading this post last night, and finished this morning. I don't feel that I have any words to share in your pain, because I've probably never been thru what you have. but I do want to say one thing... Do you have a Bible? Would you consider messaging me, and I will mail you one if you don't have one.

Your words above sounds like you're close to the end of yourself and that's exactly the place the King wants you, to be able to use you in His Kingdom.

No one deserves anything. You were right about that. We are all hopeless and lost and messed up.

But there's hope. God -- the Ancient of Days -- wants us to join Him in His purpose. He wants us to worship Him, so He can have a relationship with us. So He sent His Son to this tiny messed up earth. The most precious thing to Him... He gave up. Because He loves mankind. People are His crowning creation and He wants a relationship with you, and He wants you to join into His plan for the world.

I honestly believe that the devil is tormenting you right now, but God has victory over depression and fear, and if you cry to Him for help, and honestly begin seeking to understand His will, God will bind the devil on your behalf. He has all power!

I'll be praying for you Heather.

"Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows. So everyone who acknowledges me before men, I also will acknowledge before my Father who is in heaven," Matthew 10:29-32