No, you're not alone. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It sounds like "gaslighting" which is manipulating facts to be other than they are, and the victim ends up wondering if they are the one who is crazy. Look up gaslighting and you'll learn more. It's a common trait for a "narcissist." Look that up too, as it might help. A narcissist is never at fault in his/her own eyes; the blame always goes on someone else. There are so many resources on dealing with gaslighting and narcissistic personality disorder that it's hard to start, but you might want to get an initial overview from Mayo Clinic, here: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662

The pandemic may have absolutely nothing to do with his behavior, but it is also possible that financial pressure could be contributing to this reaction. If his or your work hours were cut back and this renovation would be dipping further into savings than it would have when you initially discussed the plan, he may be manipulating his way into skipping the whole project. What's the point of renovating if you don't improve the layout? So, by backtracking and now saying keep the current layout, he may be passive-aggressively forcing a halt to the plans.

Renovations can be tough on relationships and even more so when one spouse is so ego-driven that he demands control over the ultimate decisions regardless of relevant input. If you want to save the relationship, it would probably be best, painful though it may be, to shelve the kitchen project at present and focus on anything that could possibly be done to put up boundaries to protect you from the manipulation and abuse that you are currently experiencing. Best wishes to you.

I have no clue I need to see both to scale kitchen plans and the best way to deal with a KD is to sit down and talk about all the things you hate about your old kitchen and the things you would like to have in the new one. Then the KD comes up with a design that starts the ball rolling. I think you mean your partner and unless he does all the cooking IMO he should just chill .BTW we are not marriage councellors so my suggestion is get an actual KD who has no vested interest in your relationship and start over or at least post the plans here.

Galley kitchens can be fabulous . Why don’t you get the graph paper out ...ask him what he has in mind generally and work it for a couple days. Are there tweaks to a galley that you can insert ? He will be getting his satisfaction of the veto and if you can design the galley to your liking it might be a win win . Don’t give up . Emphasize that he may get his galley . But seriously isn’t there a way to get it special for you ? Deeper counters / all those base drawers / no corners / straight counter runs / cab depth fridge ( fabulous counter and backsplash)???

Months of togetherness in “quarantine” is not helping any of this. Maybe take a pause until things aren’t so stressful in every other aspect of life? My daughter expressed to me that our lives have encompassed too much change all at once. Perhaps you partners desire for keeping the layout is related to needing some continuity in this time of jolting change.

Use the down time w covid to keep planning. Changes are being hurled every which way for everyone. Go w the core of what he is saying and get the emotion out of it. Just keep going. My dad died we couldn’t see him for 10 days and still can’t get our family items and clear his apt due to lockdown . .... 6 weeks now. I wonder if I’ll ever see those photos and various items from our family life : home made and sentimental pieces. I have sleepless nites . You are getting a new kitchen it is taking extra time . Don’t worry.

Heidi, this is not your husband at his best. This is not even you at your best. But here’s how to handle someone who is behaving, I don’t know, irrationally. Make a list of the things you hate about your kitchen, then ask him to gather some inspiration images of kitchens that have a layout he likes - that don’t have a butler’s pantry with a ridiculous window in them, for example. Remember, you are the designer. You have an ability to visualize things that he may not. And you never know, perhaps agreeing on finishes might make the disagreement over the layout less important to him. Put him to work for a while, sit and look at his images, and move on from there.

Hi Heidi, I often say my husband is my worst client ! So don't despair. I've discovered that mine just likes to be able to do everything - including my job ! So I challenge him to actually do it ... hand him the paper and scale rule and ask him to show you what he wants. Ask him to lead and guide you if he's not up to drawing it. and - when he royally F***Ks it up do remind him it was his idea!!! (I'm looking at you MrOnePlan as I type this - and that, too large, clawfoot bath in our ensuite that no one ever uses!!!)

chin up ! we've all been there !(((hugs)))

Heidi, I love am44's advice. I have none of my own to offer. Just wanted to say, I am sorry you are having his tiff and it's probably situational. You would have known by now if your husband was this kind of a jerk sooner ;-)

Are you sure there aren't bigger issues here other than a kitchen layout? Or perhaps in a indirect way he feels uncomfortable with what your "kitchen" is going to cost? With the economy tanking at the moment, maybe he doesn't feel secured in spending money right now. Are you sure he is on board to even redo the kitchen? You two need to sit down and have a discussion not a yelling match. And at this point, he doesn't care how much time you've spent on this so don't make it about that. You both have a goal, mainly to determine if a kitchen remodel is realistic, the time frame, budget, and do you hire a KD who can listen to both of your ideas and desires and who will come up with a plan. Remodeling is stressful and only will be worse if you two aren't on the same page to start with. Good luck...

Men! People often joke about divorces during home improvement projects.

I agree that there are underlying issues between a couple that come out during a major project. So many decisions, both large and small.

Does he even want a new kitchen? Is he someone who takes comfort in the familiar which is why he wants the same layout?

It’s hard to compromise when the visions are different.

Hopefully a KD can create something that can address both your needs.

When renovating, I try to “fight” for what is really really important to me. And this can be as much for what I do not want, as much as what I do.

We both like white kitchen, so that’s a plus. I let him pick the white.

Other than shaker, which I did not want I let him pick the doors.

The KD presented the layout, which I let DH tweak.

i would take a breather. I do like One Plans idea of having your husband draw his vision.

Good luck. This shouldn’t be this hard!

Whomever does the majority of the prepping/cooking has the final say regarding design. Policy that works well, "Don't ask (for other opinions), don't tell (trying to garner the involvement of some people is counterproductive to the desired end)".

I think there may be deeper issues. But in any case, a kitchen is not worth losing a relationship over.

There has been some great advice here. I also agree with Ted Bixby that right now for many are stressful times and the idea of remodeling a kitchen at this time may be seriously adding to your partner’s stress level.

I would suggest perhaps taking a time out. Focus, if you can, on some of the good aspects of your partner and your relationship. Even if you can only think of one good thing, focus on that, and leave the kitchen conversation alone. When the energy/vibe between the two of you is lighter, and if he brings up the conversation, take it from there. The whole thing may move forward smoother than you think at that point in time. But if necessary, consider hiring a KD, as has been suggested.

I have no idea what’s going on his head but from my experience either 1) he doesn’t really want to change the kitchen or see the necessity it, or 2) he’s worried about the money of it and won’t say. The design in my house is 99% mine. My husband has one ugly reclining chair that he spent way too much money on. 😂😂 But it’s his house too! When we did some work in our master bath I made sure he got the toilet and shower head he wanted. He was happy!

Think about your husband from his perspective and adjust accordingly.

One who fronts the mortgage payment / does work and maintenance has a say if it gets down to who does what In a household . Ought not be one winner, one loser. There is a way to blend wishes and wants between people. We did 70k work last year on exterior. The end selections were different than starting point That I had. . . As closer the time came to choosing contractor I realized that was likely one of the more important things ... and some of those other decisions and choices were immaterial. Have you thought about how /who will do your work ? You could interview a few and see virtual images of their work . it can inspire you and maybe encourage you to see things a little differently. There are so many things in a remodel... what about looking online at appliances and get his input to get the 2 of you working together. You can point out w different layouts the appliances will be different in selection and location and that affects how the kitchen works.

Sounds like he doesn't feel heard (valued) and has been passive with past projects too which has built up to this point. I agree with others, sit down and write down everything he likes/dislikes about the kitchen and his goals. You do the same and do it together so he hears your likes/dislikes too. Anything that he likes/dislikes that you feel the same, make sure you voice that so he feels/knows you are both on the same team. Come up with a plan together that you can both get excited about. I would also do this after you've dealt with your hurt feelings regarding all the hard work you've put into it AND if it's in the budget a KD would be a great mediator to get you both a kitchen you love.

I should also include my husband has done the same to me but often my best designs have come after some harsh design critiques. Makes you even more creative and propels you deeper into solutions that work for everyone.

If you wish, show us the plans.

Who cooks in the kitchen? If both of you, a compromise is certainly needed, even if plans won't be optimal for each of you.

Money, in these tight times, may also be an additional and newly-stressing concern.

There's a lot of stress going out there right now what with being shut in or whatever stage your COVID status is at. Step back for a moment or a few weeks, then come back together to discuss. Take a bit of time or a day to do something you both find fun, together, outside of your house (even if just your back yard). I'm feeling that stress myself, and there's no SO in this place with me! (The cats and chickens are scurrying away....)

Another thing. Reflect on yourself. I always have some new idea...change my mind...I’ve made some costly mistakes on this house. Even if it annoys me, my husband is 100% valid in questioning my ideas. I have to remind myself of that.

Could this be happening? Have it out, take it to bed, and it’ll all be good!

So, I'm an artist and teacher, he's an engineer. We approach things very differently! It's taken a few years :^) (30) for us to figure out a common language. We draw it out, we are both visual and talking just doesn't work. I gotta show him. Draw it and then play with boxes, build it. Walk in it, play in it. Make it fun. I heard today, Ikea has directions on how to create a tent out of blankets???? really?....I think we sometimes forget how to play.

Having seen this with my sister and her other half (both good cooks), I agree you have to hire a designer. I also agree that there's probably more going on (cost, stress, job insecurity, etc). This really isn't the time to do a kitchen project.

There will be a time to do the project - when that time comes hire a third party. Make sure he participates fully. Don't go forward if he's being passive. It can often help if you both talk about what you want to achieve in general terms first - and come to some agreement on that with the KD. Understand that he may not have the same design IQ as you have - so be sure that you are hearing what he's saying.

Hiring a Kitchen Designer is WAY cheaper than a divorce lawyer. Mediating between different viewpoints is often a huge majority of what we do. Find someone who does online design, and who has done it before Covid, and hire them to independently create a plan, AFTER interviewing both of you separately and examining your goals, motivations, and comfort with expense.. Separately. Then a together session.

I want to give the collective Houzz group a high five on this one. Great supportive advice...

I you just want reassurance that you're not alone, here's a thread I posted way back in 2010. I'm a bit reluctant to even mention it, as it got a lot of traffic and I ended up semi-sorry for posting dirty laundry . But the dynamics and frustrations I expressed are so similar to yours that you may find it useful, even if you only read the original post an not the 69 responses.

My story has a sad ending, in that we separated later that year and divorced two years later without ever having completed the remodel, or even really gotten farther than is mentioned in that post. There was more going on than disagreement about the remodel, although the remodel was a microcosm of the marriage dynamics at the time.

Oh, cawaps, I’m so sorry to hear that. I hope life is good now.

Hi Heidi, We often have couples who don't agree on what they want and there is always the lead designer of the two. We get to the final decisions by various ways but mainly both live in the house and so it comes down to both compromising in what they want. Talk talk talk …. enjoy:))

I can't 'like' your response cawaps - just wanted to also say sorry you went through that.

@cawaps Sadly, the discovery that your partner is "passive-aggressive" seldom happens until you've been together a few years. Best wishes to you.

I didn't want to hijack the thread, or start a pity party for me. I'm 8 years post-divorce and doing fine. I get on much better with my ex (co-parenting) than I did the last few years of marriage.

I also don't want to suggest that conflicts over a remodel are the kiss of death to a marriage. It seems virtually every couple has conflicts and heightened tension during a remodel, but most weather the challenges just fine.

I must say renovating a kitchen all on one’s own is not exactly a walk in the park either, especially when you’re not happy with your layout and you can’t think of a better one. I console myself with the knowledge that I get to pick whatever tile I want 😉. Now who’s the lucky 🐥.

Heidi, I hope you’re having a better day today.

My husband sometimes communicates similarly (not exactly the same). My husband for example gets very worried about money but won't say so, and will pick little fights about other things. It can be very confusing. It sounds like yours is defensive and worried and is manifesting it in non-constructive ways, by lashing out and insulting your designs.

I would 1) find a marriage therapist (there is nothing wrong with this nor does it mean your marriage is in trouble! many happy couples find couples therapy to be game changing for communication, and it sounds like you guys might benefit from it) and 2) get a kitchen designer - especially for something so extensive as you're describing. From where you and your husband are, it doesn't sound like compromise will be easy, or even possible, without a third party.

I'm sorry this is happening. It sounds hurtful and frustrating. Best wishes-

Thank you, everyone, for your thoughtful and compassionate responses and good suggestions. I think maybe a designer would be helpful now, because I've been staring at my digital mock-up for a week now and coming up with no good compromise between his preferences and mine. (It's tempting to post pics of the current and proposed layouts for Internet Vindication, but I'm going to bite my tongue for now).

It isn't the money. This project is "ten - fifteen years away", and we're planning to do it all ourselves anyway (I am carpenter, he is plumber). But I believe firmly in having a long game planned out in advance because everything we do now affects our plans for the future.

I think the core issues are definitely communication and fear. He doesn't like change. He often thinks I can read his mind and that I know things I definitely do not know. And, having talked more this week, he is deathly afraid of being left out of life while he cooks. He would put the guts of the kitchen in the middle of the house if he could. The everyday cooking is about 85-90% me, but when we entertain (which is maybe once every other month) it is 50/50, and he likes to bake occasionally as a hobby. He is afraid that a G kitchen will mean he is stuffed into a corner working alone while everyone else hangs out in the living room. I can't convince him that everyone WILL hang out in the kitchen no matter how uncomfortable or in-the-way they are.

But you are all right to say shelve it until after the global crisis. I am certainly not at my best, my coping skills about match my toddler's some days. I thank you all sincerely and dearly for your kind, gracious responses.