Re: your marital status, when they ask why you aren’t married, my reply was always, ”I have been, but I’ve run out of places to hide the bodies.”

@olychick Stealing this IMMEDIATELY

Without meeting you or knowing anything else about you, I wonder if it has to do with the way you present yourself? Are you dressed in a flirty fashion, tilting your head like you would on a date, giggling instead of laughing? Review the way you stand while talking-is your posture business like or “available”? Honestly, I was in construction for over three decades and the times I saw inappropriate behavior by males in these situations were rare. The only legitimate reason someone asks for your marital status is to determine if you are the only one who will be making decisions. I am not trying to insult you, rather suggest you examine in a full length mirror the way you sit, stand, and walk. You probably are a bubbly, open, friendly person and don’t differentiate between social and business situations.

I find a cold stare works well.

Omg, suggesting that a woman is inviting unwanted advances or attention because of how she presents herself is beyond offensive How about if men just ALWAYS assume a woman is not looking for men to become personal with them in a business or professional situation. Regardless of what she’s wearing or how she’s standing . I fear my head is going to explode. I saw this last week and wondered when I might be able to use it…Not surprisingly, I didn’t have to wait long.

Whelp, I fully anticipated getting asked how am I encouraging this behavior 😂.

I love the rest of these suggestions so much and honestly while it's disheartening to see how pervasive this behavior is, your responses are deeply chuckleworthy and immensely helpful.

She is not a victim if so many encounters with contractors are eliciting this response. I am asking her to look seriously at her body language and demeanor when she is talking to construction workers. Again, two or three over a several year period can be expected, but the reported number of encounters is a red flag. It is naive for women to think dress, stance, vocal tone, and presentation are not an invitation. We all know how flirty we act when we are trying to attract men-I am asking her to seriously examine her conduct to see if she is unconsciously acting that way in a business situation.

1840 is presumably where that attitude comes from.

"I am asking her to look seriously at her body language and demeanor when she is talking to construction workers."

I am asking you to stop blaming other people for your lack of self-control. I have had female clients wear "flirty clothes," and speak to me in an open and inviting manner, yet I have managed to avoid inappropriate behavior around them.

My conduct is my choice, just as your conduct is your choice, and their conduct is their choice. This is just one step removed from, "she had it coming." It isn't that hard to find someone dressed in a flirty manner and still make a choice to conduct yourself in a professional manner.

Just because someone asks a question it doesn't mean you have to answer it. I'm working on implementing this in my own life too. My first impulse is to answer and not change the conversation.

The question I posed was not how can I control what these contractors say and how they behave... that is an impossible ask.

The question is how can I respond in a constructive, strategic way that shuts this kind of talk down and preserves the work being done.

And thank you all for your various responses, it was very helpful. Bonus points for creativity and hilarity.

The question is how can I respond in a constructive, strategic way that shuts this kind of talk down and preserves the work being done.

I don't think such a response exists, at least not without significantly more risk than reward. In my experience, those who lack empathy in these situations don't suddenly develop it when confronted about it. Any response by you that has a chance to effect change, has a higher chance of producing hostility.

If you answer the question as a banality they are likely to tire of the interaction and move on eventually. Hopefully sooner rather than later.

Boss up on boundaries: “That’s not something we’re going to talk about. What we do need to cover is… (task relevant question for them to answer, e.g. 'what's the next step in the work plan?' 'When will your quote be ready?' etc.)“ Say it without heat and with direct, steady eye contact. Don’t wait for a reply before redirecting to the task relevant topic.

And no, our yoga pants aren’t the problem.

"The question is how can I respond in a constructive, strategic way that shuts this kind of talk down and preserves the work being done."

My ex-wife was one of the first 8 women to complete an electricial apprentiship at our local union 30 years ago. She quickly learned that if you made some sort of smart-a$$ remark right back in front of your interlocutor's co-workers, the effects are immediate and devastating. Anything related to the size/use of his manhood will work nicely.

In a group, men have no loyalty to each other whatsoever. I can promise you that guy will have to hear how he was put in his place by a woman from his buddies until the end of time. They will repeat the encounter verbatim and laugh and laugh at his expense. He'd have to quit the car pool for several years or endure the humiliation.

@Joseph Corlett, LLC said, "She quickly learned that if you made some sort of smart-a$$ remark right back in front of your interlocutor's co-workers, the effects are immediate and devastating. Anything related to the size/use of his manhood will work nicely.

In a group, men have no loyalty to each other whatsoever. I can promise you that guy will have to hear how he was put in his place by a woman from his buddies until the end of time. They will repeat the encounter verbatim and laugh and laugh at his expense. He'd have to quit the car pool for several years or endure the humiliation."

Please don't do this for several reasons.

First, this is a textbook example of sexual harassment. The last sentence in that first paragraph is straight up advising sexual harassment, and the second paragraph is a literal description of the foreseeable consequences of sexual harassment.

Moreover, this might work where there is no trust relationship between the two parties, but in a business-client relationship this is much more likely to create an adversarial relationship. In the end, you are paying them to be there and do a job that you have to live with after they are gone. The very last thing you want is to incentivize poor performance, which you are likely to do if you try to humiliate him.

Finally, it is a massive escalation based on the information we have. We are going from opinions on what is best for someone and questions about marital status to full blown sexual harassment and intentional humiliation. I guess the biggest pig rules the pen, but that doesn't seem all that aspirational to me.

I absolutely second Bry's latest comment. Your objectives are twofold:  getting the work done in a satisfactory manner, and getting the jerk out of your house and out of your life. Escalating the situation by engaging in an attempt at public humiliation is not going to get you any closer to either of these goals. You don't know anything about the guy and what he might be capable if.  Dont exacerbate an uncomfortable situation:  keep it cool, formal and professional.

I would rather deal with the borderline inappropriate questions than the condescending tone of some contractors. I am about 20 years and one husband past the first type of question but with more gray hairs comes increasing occasions of being treated as a bystander not the customer. 

I have spent my entire adult life in male dominated industries. I don't have to like all the comments but I would prefer that to being ignored. Too little interaction robs people of the opportunity to develop friendly relationships that contribute to the success of a project. 

One of my answers to those questions is perhaps we will have an opportunity for such discussions after this project is finished. Another classic answer is Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies.  I have had better luck with humor than with the icy stare but occasionally my mom is mad voice says "would you care to repeat that comment, I don't think I heard you correctly"

You may brindle at this suggestion because most of us women will think “I shouldn’t HAVE to do this to be treated with respect!” Years ago I was the only woman in my engineering college courses and after was always in a job where men outnumbered women and there will always be misogynist men that you have to deal with. You won’t change the way those ones have grown up behaving so don’t bother trying. It’s not worth your time. Buy a fake wedding ring, maybe get a male friend to take a picture with you, frame it and put it in a conspicuous spot. Yes, you shouldn’t have to, but it’s quick easy and you don’t have to waste your time & energy fending off Neanderthal behavior

Lol Pam — and leave some guy shoes from Goodwill in the front hall? What do you say when asked why he’s never home? “Yeah he’s pretty busy, between the gun range and anger management class.”

Well, if there was any doubt that the the industry was full of misogynist jerks @remodeling1840 has helpfully confirmed that for everyone.

OP, so sorry you're dealing with this. However you look, whatever you wear, whatever your mannerisms, NONE of this is on you. I happen to be married and haven't dealt with the flirty thing but I'm the one who deals with all the contractors, tracks the budget, knows the details of the design and technical issues, etc. and I notice immediately who's prepared to engage seriously with me on the technical details and who's sexist and condescending and thinks my husband should be involved. The sexism is so, so real!

I think the advice around the cold shut-down and explicit insistence on professional boundaries ("I'm not open to discussing that", "that's none of your business. How are you progressing on x project?) is good. It might be awkward but remember they're the ones who are causing the awkwardness, not you, and you have a right not to deal with sexist harrassment in your own home! You are the employer here and at least to some extent have the power. I wouldn't be afraid to fire someone or threaten to fire them over this behaviour, or to let their boss know that individual is not welcome to do further work on your site.

I like Mama Cita’s and Aziline’s comments about creating and keeping boundaries because we’re constantly training people how to treat us.

If someone asks an inappropriate personal question whether out of harmless curiosity or with ulterior motives, an effective response can be the question “why do you want to know?” It turns it back on them, doesn’t involve a disproportionate response like anger or frustration, is firm but respectful and can either shut it down or allow for the possibility that it was an innocent attempt to connect.

Remodeling1840 also has a point that has nothing to do with implying sexual posturing or victim blaming. If something is happening repeatedly, like being ripped off by people or being taken advantage of, we have to objectively consider our role in it. It could be that we’re inadvertently signaling a lack of boundaries. Predators look for weaknesses, it’s important we’re aware of them too.

I don’t believe that the industry is full of ”misogynist jerks” - at least not any more or less than every other industry that is predominately male - tech, film, sports, automotive, fraternities, etc. Implying otherwise perpetuates a culture of disrespect to people who do work that others aren’t skilled enough to do or just don’t want to.

@denkyem obviously can't read. I am not a "misogynist jerk", but I am a real woman who was in construction for over 3 decades. I have seen and heard it all. I have women acquaintances who are still in high school mode. Every encounter is a social event, a Match.com moment, a pickup in a bar evening, even when trying "many times over the years" to have a business relationship. They flirt with the pizza delivery boy and with his grandfather who works at Lowe's. They have no filter. It becomes so much a part of their personality they no longer realize the image they project. I had a female applicant who came for a job interview dressed in four inch heels and a black, lacey cocktail dress. She was noticeably upset when she realized I was interviewing her and she would not be talking to my husband. At the extreme, I actually had a new employee who began work at 8 am on Monday and came to me at 2 pm to say her husband (6' 4" and 260 lbs) was angry (she actually called him to tell him!) because one of my male employees had made a suggestive remark to her. It turns out, she had eaten lunch in the breakroom with 4 or 5 male construction workers and told them how she lost her virginity. Her first day at work?! Who does that? I am certainly not saying the OP did anything like that, but my female employee did not know where to draw the line between work with men she had known for four hours and men she met at a party. I will go back to the OP-"many times over the years". That raises an alarm for me as it relates to some men who are dangerous. We should be able to walk down the street in our most revealing dress, but we must live in the real world. We cannot flirt with every man we meet and we must recognize the signals we project.

remodeling1840, this was a thoughtful response and, while I don't agree with much of what you've written, it's easier to see where you are coming from. I think the OP is just looking for ways to shut down inappropriate advances. Is she flirting? From her post I would guess not, but who knows.

Your approach is still putting the onus on her to examine and/or change her behavior instead of putting the responsibility for either misreading her intentions (or just assuming a woman WANTS the attention of men) onto the men doing what they are doing.

I would like to know how the contractors knew the OP is single and has no kids? I'm married with grown kids but have had to deal with contractors several times while my husband wasn't home and never once did my single/married status ever come up or whether I had kids or not. Who are these contractors?

I will go back to the OP-"many times over the years".

That is not what the OP said. The OP actually said, "I've had this happen with so many contractors over the years." Those are not the same thing.

The construction industry is significantly more sexist than most other industries. An estimated 44% of women in construction have considered leaving the industry because of sexism, a number that is much higher than most other industries.

My parents owned a plumbing company and my mother would visit the job sites on a regular basis. I got to hear about all the ways the workers would entertain her and she was not dressed "flirty." She was just unfortunate enough to be tall with an athletic build. I saw more sexism in a summer of construction than I did living in the Middle East for years.

Every study says the construction industry is rampant with sexism, there are hidden camera videos of women on job sites, undercover reporting from various news outlets, and a mountain of anecdotal evidence that suggests the construction industry struggles with sexism.

I think it is a blessing that some people haven't encountered this much, but given the overwhelming evidence of its regular occurrence, maybe we should start with the assumption that the OP is not at fault. Moreover, you shouldn't have to make yourself uncomfortable in order to avoid inappropriate comments.

I would like to know why the contractors would care whether the OP is single and has no kids. I would like to know why the workers in remodelling 1840s' posting thought it was okay to discuss the sex life of a coworker, regardless of the "flirty image" she may have projected. Why is the onus always on the woman and only the woman to behave appropriately?

Imagine telling your husband that if aggressive women are making him uncomfortable he needs to speak in a high voice, slouch and wear baggy corduroys.

No one is saying @burnam_f is “at fault” or even assuming it. She asked a question related to gaining social intelligence in a particular community and numerous approaches were suggested. When something is happening repeatedly, from different sources over time, it makes sense to consider whether the common denominator – our own behavior, could be a contributing factor, especially if we want to prevent it and not just handle it.

“Contractors who are flirty and overly friendly and remark on my relationship status, age, and what I "should" be doing with my life along with other inappropriate conversations along these lines.” This lack of boundaries isn’t limited to a sexual issue, it shows terrible disrespect for the OP as a person. Something suggests there may be some sort of inadvertent green light in the interactions signaling this particular group to plow through inappropriately. To be clear, the signal doesn’t have to be flirting – it could be timidity or indecisiveness, an aversion to conflict, incongruent body language, or simply by allowing the discussion to proceed at all. It could be a result of living in an area with a culture of boorish behavior for which proactive strategies have to be adopted, who knows? Regardless, it seems worthwhile to objectively consider whether our own behavior can be modified in ways to better direct people in how we're to be treated. Your question is how to handle it afterward, this suggestion also relates to managing it beforehand.

“On the few occasions i've harnessed the energy and addressed it head on, i've been told I'm overreacting, that they meant it as a joke, and then ofc, the work quality usually suffers or the communication breaks down and it sucks.” The men who sat in the workplace with the woman they’d only known for 4 hours and heard the description of how she lost her virginity also experienced disrespect, then SHE enjoyed the opportunity to become irate. People with no boundaries like drama. Perhaps if someone at that table had spoken up once they saw where the story was going and redirected the conversation, and redirected every time afterward, they may influenced her in how they wanted to be treated but of course, they weren’t “at fault” for not doing so. Everyone is responsible for their own behavior, don't underestimate your ability to help influence different outcomes.

"Something suggests there may be some sort of inadvertent green light in the interactions signaling this particular group to plow through inappropriately."

And that seems to me to be the point. The OP is saying that she has had problems with contractors, not that she has had issues with men in all the work and recreational areas of her life. She is talking about poor behavior within one specific group. So I think it's more likely that the group in question needs to look at its behavior, rather than that she needs to revise her own.

I was discussing this thread with my husband, and he made an interesting observation: somehow, when you have a tradesman working in or around your house there seems to be a power shift from you, the homeowner, to the fellow you're paying to do a job for you. You may be the homeowner, but suddenly he's in control: he turns on his radio at peak volume without asking, he makes out-of-place comments, he decides whether he's going to answer any of your questions about what his work plan is. And it's not just female homeowners who encounter this attitude. I put it down to lack of respect generally among a segment of the industry, and that lack of respect carries over into personal comments and innuendo if the employer happens to be a woman.

“somehow, when you have a tradesman working in or around your house there seems to be a power shift from you, the homeowner, to the fellow you're paying to do a job for you. You may be the homeowner, but suddenly he's in control: he turns on his radio at peak volume without asking, he makes out-of-place comments, he decides whether he's going to answer any of your questions about what his work plan is. And it's not just female homeowners who encounter this attitude. I put it down to lack of respect generally among a segment of the industry, and that lack of respect carries over into personal comments and innuendo if the employer happens to be a woman.”

My DH is an electrician. A very competent, mature, professional electrician who treats all customers with respect and dignity. I find your descriptions classist and offensive.

To the OP: there is NEVER an excuse for this behavior. Stand your ground and don’t put up with being disrespected. Find others who won’t behave this way. They do exist.

@jinx -  I didn't mean to imply that every or even most tradesmen are of the type described - in fact I specifically mentioned "a segment" - but I have certainly encountered that lack of respect for the homeowner/employer/customer more often among contractors than among bank clerks or supermarket shelf stockers. It has nothing at all to do with social class, but it may have something to do with common cultural norms within the construction industry.  Bry's comment would support that view. 

It is not the OPs behavior that needs to change. I stand by that view.

@Renee Fonseca That gave me the icks. Touching you? I would have been upset too. As far as the wedding ring goes my husband doesn't wear a ring and neither do I. His got lost years ago and I took mine off when we had our first kid who is now 28 and it never went back on because it doesn't fit anymore.