Your guys seem to have a procedure that works for them. It allows them to make the most money they think they can off a customer they will see only once. I suggest finding an ethical builder. If you can. We acted as the GC for our build. Zero problems of the type you describe. It does require prep.

Custom should be just that: Custom. To be limited by anything other than your wallet and you imagination seems insane to me. In my case, I pay the builder a flat fee and all else is a straight pass through at discounted prices. He told me upfront that his job is to help me save money and if I want to source something on my own (like lighting) then that's not a problem. Most of my lighting (some of which is custom) is 50%+ off of retail. I've also received discounts on plumbing, appliances, flooring, everything. You might want to consider finding another builder especially if you've hit you're budget ceiling this early in the process.

"So now even before starting the selections process we are at our max budget."

If that is the case you may not be ready to build as you must have a contingency fund of 10-15% as something will end up over. If you are not comfortable with this builders business model move on. The builder is responsible to getting the material to the site, having it installed, warranty of both the item and the installation. Sounds like you are not accepting of this business model. Time for you to move on. No one can say the builder is unethical. That is his business model, and it works for him. Like I said move on then if you do not care for that type of arrangement.

Millworkman is correct, like it or not.

Want to know why? No builder, even high quality , high end "custom" ( I'll come back to that ) can afford to dawdle while a client DECIDES. He doesn't want your stuff dropped at a site, he wants it on his timetable. He's responsible for getting it installed, ensuring it is safe if it must be there and they're not yet ready to install.

For thirty plus years, I have hand held clients through every variety of build you can imagine.

Custom is a much overworked term. A builder can call himself custom , simply by giving you a spread sheet with three options for everything you can think of. Basically, unless you have someone working cost plus, or time and materials? It's a bullshit word.

Rarely......is it "custom" at anything but the very highest of the high end. KACHING.: ) THAT'S CUSTOM.

A million $$ and more house? Usually semi custom , at best.

Custom? I mean TRULY custom. I have two right now. I have lost count of the hours of hand wringing, changes of mind from both clients. I am pretty certain both builders are out on a ledge, WITH me. I know the KD, common to both builds is staring down the cliff abyss right next to me.

Building a home is like taking a vacation. Bring twice as much money as you think you will need, and half as much "other stuff" lol.

I agree with that staement form Millworkman and you are not building a custom home if you can't buy items yourself from where ever you like. I agree always a contingency is needed and if the 50K out you in a position that make sit impossible to get what you want then you are not ready financially to build a new home. Where I live the average cost for a new build is $400 / sq ft. I do not know what the original cost was so maybe share that .In a custom home you do not get a list of approved vendors BTW. I also agree that things like appliances should be not only planned but bought and in storage before you even start building and a KD will need those items before a kitchen can be designed .

When I have a client building a custom home we go shopping and not from the list the builder might have . Some things are okay to choose from builder recommendations like flooring and windows but not lighting or kitchen design or cabinets IMO. I will say that it seems like the OP is not shopping for really high end lighting for sure so maye we need to hear back from the OP

The builders I work with will pass on their trade discounts if you order from their approved vendors. You should confirm your pricing from this vendor. If you order products outside of the builder's vendors, be prepared to store or warehouse them until they are needed (at your own cost and inconvenience). Most builders do not want light fixtures sitting on a work site for months.

In a custom home you do not get a list of approved vendors BTW.

Not true. I design for custom homes almost exclusively. Every builder wants to work with their vetted and trusted vendors. Delays in procurement and delivery are costly. It's in everyone's best interest to order from a reputable vendor that can handle the management, storage and delivery of materials. As the OP noted, she is free to order from wherever she wants, but she will have to pay an upcharge. Also, a KD designer does not need appliances on site before designing a kitchen.

What does "We’ve decided on all the red lines/ floor plan" mean? Did you alter an existing house design or did you start "from scratch"?

"When I have a client building a custom home we go shopping and not from the list the builder might have."

I'm assuming the custom home is the client's home and that the client selected the builder and has the contractual relationship with them. If that's the case, your client will be best served by you working with the builder rather than going outside their process.

Absolutely all True Kristen Pietro above

A KD needs no appliances on site. She only needs a very firm commitment as to what those will be, excepting a standard 24" dishwasher . Cooling, cooking? Absolutes on firm decision for planning around them.

Given the lengthy lead on Sub Zero...Bosch, Monogram and a host of others?? Better to have and to store, than be left with NADA. or a part of nada .

Same applies to roughing plumb in items. No time like the present.

Offer to buy, store & deliver to the jobsite when ready, along with appropriate bulbs for each fixture. That is worth a few hundred plus the cost of bulbs.

That's the service we get from our vendor along with decades of experience, a showroom & a few million of inventory which may be important today.

Order early & don't believe "in stock" at big box stores unless you see it in person.

"Time and hassle is money."

I will second, third, fourth that. Amazingly? Folks don't count/track THEIR own time. ............

We however, must. Charitable service is for charities. Also the good advice found here on many of these threads. Pro and others, it abounds.

"So now even before starting the selections process we are at our max budget." is a red flag full stop statement if I ever heard one. You have to drop back and do something else if you do not have a substantial contingency budget. Costs will only continue to rise, and a projected budget from the project's beginning many months ago is already out of date.

We did a completely custom home. We were free to choose anything from anyone we wanted. But, the contractor let us know how he's worked with in the past... And, which ones were good and bad. We did most everything from his good contacts and had no troubles. The only thing we did on our own was lighting, and that is because there is no lighting place anywhere around here.

What a royal pain. We ordered everything. tracked it all with a spreadsheet to make sure pricing was correct. As things came in we had to pick them all up and store them all until needed. Had to make sure we got everything we paid for. Had to mark each item so the contractor knew where to install. Had to call to get a replacement for one light and are still waiting on a replacement part for another.

I can totally see the value in choosing from the contractor's list. Also, double check the price you were quoted, it may not be the price to your contractor.

Good luck.