Yes, it ( almost) only happens with the larger family dinners where bringing something is expected.

I suppose it depends on the type of gathering I'm hosting, but I don't mind the occasional unexpected dish brought by a guest. However, I absolutely agree it is frustrating when a guest decides to take over part of the kitchen to assemble or cook what they've brought.

I also hate it when a guest brings so many dishes that they might as well be hosting the meal themselves. This is something my mother does from time to time. Suddenly there isn't even room on the table for the food I cooked.

I also struggle with a particular friend who starts taking over hosting duties whenever I'm hosting a party. I think she really wants to host herself but doesn't have the space in her home so she just starts taking over when she's in my home.

Conversely, I love the woman who dropped off flowers on Saturday for the Easter Brunch I was hosting. As well as the guest who called and said ”Im leaving now do you need ice?”

It was a little last minute gathering. I decided on midweek. I called it an Easter Orphans Brunch and said I’m grilling a turkey breast and making a Spring Vegetable Lasagna. Bring something you would like to share. We had a lovely green salad, a tray of roasted veg. a platter of deviled eggs and a carrot cake for dessert! We also had an small egg hunt and an egg and spoon race. Good friends, good laughs!

That sounds like such fun, Local!

I agree with all you have said with one exception - the worst is the person who arrive right on time or LATE and needs to assemble and heat their dish. I can deal with flowers -- but I'm not likely to take time to arrange them -- just plunk them in some water and deal with them later.

Localeater, your friends know how to get repeat invitations. Nice.

There should be a way to politely scoot people out of the kitchen. I was hosting a family reunion, and a new boyfriend of my niece was attending with her. He actually gave me a headache with all his chatter.

We had a couple where the wife was an excellent cook. The husband would brag that wife was bringing XYX his favorites. A bit insulting as if they needed a back up plan to my cooking. They never asked, just brought so I worked around it. She was always wonderful at helping with clean up.

I don't mind flowers. I always have vases readily available. I just plunk them in, no need to artfully arrange right then.

Local, that does sound like a blast.

Prickley, for the friend who wants to help with hosting I would either actually give her chores or say “Please, you are MY guest, go socialize.”

I can sympathize. I had a SIL who did this to me regularly. I'd be cooking on Thanksgiving or Christmas eve for 25 people and she'd show up with a bag of raw vegetables wanting to make ratatouille or a potato gratin or whatever else she had said she was bringing. After a few times of giving her my patented death stare, she figured it out. She was insulted and never offered to 'bring' anything again. Which was fine with me!

Kendrah-I would imagine all of us on here who commented/ranted were all "flexible". Of course, I wasn't rude and my guest would never have known I was annoyed-as I'm sure was the case with everyone else on here. Just FYI.

I don't see anything wrong with telling those who are bringing things to have them prepared and ready to serve. There will be NO extra counter or oven space available. Whenever I'm asked to bring a green salad, I have all the ingredients prepped and bagged or bottled, bring the bowl and utensils, and then toss it together at the last minute.

I used to belong to a book club where we took turns hosting, including providing all the food. It was just easier that way. But we had one woman, actually the wife of a member, who showed up occasionally and brought unsolicited food. She brought chunks of roast lamb to one gathering. As one does. One day she arrived at my house with Navajo fry bread that I hadn't asked for. She said it needed to be cut into pieces. It was all dripping with oil. The routine was to sit on my couch and chairs in the living room with our snacks. I'm not fussy, but I was not having that oil dripping all over the living room furniture and floor. I said, I'm sorry, I can't serve this. Fortunately, she bundled it back up, put it in the car, and came back inside. We didn't speak of it again.

Kendrah, if I’d held a job cooking and serving for others, like you, I’d have quickly achieved the art of being flexible. I hope I am always kind and strive to be tactful.

local, we’d all love to have those kind of helpful friends!!

Bunny. my book club operates the same. Ewwww ! Oh yeah, love having the greasy bread near upholstery.. No way.

If the eating had been at a table, it would have been a whole other thing, no problem. I don't know what she was thinking.

I attended a gathering on Sunday where one of the guests showed up with a bouquet in cellophane. The hostess thanked her warmly and laid the flowers out of the way on the counter...no water, no vase. I thought that was an interesting choice, but I understand as she was busy putting out all the prepared platters of food to serve.

I brought a potato dish to a brunch gathering yesterday. I made and cooked before I brought. But, asked the hostess before IF there would be oven space for heating before serving. If there hadn't been, I would have prepared in smaller dishes so I could microwave. I can't stand people arriving with cold dishes that need heating, or dishes that have to be prepared at my house. I'm with Ollie; I'd rather just prepare the whole meal myself. Flowers are no problem; I have plenty of vases to plop them in.

Warm thanks notwithstanding, I think it was thoughtless, if not insulting, to take someone's flowers that will wilt/die without water and lay them on the counter like oh well.

Agree with Bunny. If nothing else, one can fill a glass with water and put the flowers in there.

Some people consider flowers, even a bunch from Safeway still wrapped in cellophane, to be a form of host gift. It takes no more than two minutes to find a glass or jar and stick them in water until more time is available. Or call out to someone standing around to do that.

Someone I know has a large, beautiful home and was asked by a family member if he and his wife could host a dinner at her home. (Their home was out of the way and too small). She agreed, assuming they would prepare the meal, bring it to her home, warm the dishes and serve the meal.

The morning of the dinner party the "host husband" shows up with all the ingredients to make the dinner. His wife forgot they were going to be hosting and couldn't make it because she had to work. He bought all the ingredients and had the recipes, but doesn't know his way around her kitchen and hasn't made the dishes before and may need some help.

I was at the dinner and it was lovely.

The home owner was the same lovely hostess as she always is, telling stories and keeping the conversation pleasant and lively, helping with drinks and making sure everyone had everything they needed.

I honestly don't remember exactly what he served, but it was some type of roast along with dinner rolls, a homemade soup, salad, sides and desert. I do remember that it was a really good dinner.

When dinner was over I stayed to help clean up - put away the food, do the dishes, wipe of counters and the table . . .

When the last guest finally left the house the rant began . . .

I had this happen this past Thanksgiving. My nephew said his wife would love to bring something . I said that would be great but please give me an idea of what it will be so I don't duplicate, and it helps me also figure out some sides. Reasonable. He said she'll bring a salad as she makes good salads... ok. I still made a green salad and had many side dishes. They walked in and she had to put it together, and had the hugest bowl I've seen. It was more the issue of not having space for it. I moved stuff around but it really was not easy. Also it was nice that she brought the serving bowl but then wanted tongs to serve it.

The salad she made was one of the best salads I ever had- I mean it was incredible but it was just so awkward. (some incredible dressing, pomegranate seeds, chick peas, stuffed grape leaves, etc --- my mouth is watering just remembering it.)

I wish I was much better at unplanned bits with entertaining but I'm not. I was frazzled.

Agree with warm, if semi-fake, delight receiving flowers. Of course I’d stop what I’m doing, get the vase and put them in water., which may be annoying depending on how busy I am at that moment. It may only take minutes , but it breaks onto my concentration as I’m on a roll. Usually its fine as DH or a close friend will take care of them. I love a gift of flowers….given properly. Most of the time I’m well prepared and not feeling hassled. But when I’m running a bit late its an extra chore.

After reading all your input....thankfully....I stopped @ a thrift store last week and purchased several nice flower vases and planters...since I'm always bringing a bouquet of flowers or an orchid to someone. It's ready to go.....nothing to do to it. I also have an assortment of ribbons to wrap around the vase or planter, bonus!

My guests generally critique my decorating. I mentioned this in another post. Anyone else have THIS problem?

nicole, your guests critique your decorating?!! Without you having asked them for some honest input? How rude.

@Bunny.....yes. Had a neighbor over. She said the tribal shadow box piece, hanging above the downstairs fireplace didn't go with the modern decor and other artwork. She said, "Just look around you, pointing to another art piece hanging on the wall. " Then she asked me, "What style of decorating is this?" I said "Transitional". She'd NEVER heard of it. I explained it to her.

THAT would be "my" hostess rant. :0)

@nicole ugh. I'd have been tempted to say, "What the hell kind of neighbor are you?!!" Instead, I'd probably just file it under "do not invite this person into my home...ever."

@Bunny....I moved the tribal piece to a water closet across the house & hung another abstract artwork above the fireplace. Maybe tribal "abstract" and modern abstract don't go together...? I thought abstract was just that....? Maybe I need to simplify my artwork. :0) That's how I handled it. I liken the neighbors behavior to a 2 yr old....2yr olds don't lie...they just express a truth, in odd moments ...."Out of the mouth of babes".

Nicole, I remember your posting awhile back of someone ridiculing or critiquing your decor. Our response shook this place to its core.

It's fair to be honest about the way the unexpected throws us off our game when hostessing, but yes it's not what we show our guests I am sure. I am so blessed not to need perfection. When a guest brings whatever and it isn't in my plan I would never find it a reflection on my offerings. Guests know it's out of place and was brought by another. One more dish--a duplicate or something off base from the menu, oh well that's on them not me. The other guests know! I've learned over the years I am only responsible for my part, my planning, my offerings. Once guests begin arriving what happens is part of the event and out of my control. In the end success is a gathering where all guests felt comfortable, appreciated and enjoyed no matter how frustrated we are.

I think you are a wonderful and gracious hostess. I agree that unless specifically requested, guests should not bring food to a party. At my parties, I always have leftover food, and so there has never been a need for anyone to bring anything, although I do appreciate it when people bring wine, as that can always be consumed later, if the people who bring it do not want to drink it at the party.

At family dinners for Thanksgiving or Christmas, I have done all the cooking for my mother when she hosted, but my SIL would make pecan pie, which was very much appreciated. I usually made lime pie or chocolate hazelnut Bavarian cream pie or both, but more desserts were always welcome.

As for flowers, what bothers me if when someone gives me flowers that I am allergic to, and there are quite of few of those.

Nicole, what a great idea to be prepared with flowers and vase and ribbon!

That's a great idea.

I do remember when we downsized, I had one cabinet that had like 12 plain glass vases that must have come with deliveries. I offered them on buynothing and they were gone... ( now I need to look through as I know I have a few... on to regift them!)

Also, Nicole, your neighbor was rude.

Lars, that's why I like to have an idea about what someone will bring. I always do pecan pie for Tgiving, and I'd prefer having an assortment of desserts rather than 3 pecan pies.

People liked offering to bring a dish to Christmas Eve so I was happy to let them. They (the food, not the guest) usually came in the serving dish and perhaps needed only to join other dishes warming in the oven, but … the paraphernalia that came with them! The bags and boxes and totes they came in, the saran wrap, the foil, the lids, the hostess gift, the gifts for kids, the extra cookies and chocolates! Eventually I reserved our mudroom for tossing all that detritus in as it arrived (well, not the cookies and chocolate!) and sorted it out as needed through the evening. And I mean literally tossed, the bags and foil etc, where no one could see.

(I reserve my rant not for unexpected food, but for unexpected guests. And arrivals after we have sat down to dinner. Don’t get me started.)

I always leave a few out of the way tasks to be done so if someone is in my way in the kitchen or asks to help I can give them something to do. They feel good about ”helping” and I can get them out of my way.

This brought back memories!

I took over all holiday hosting for both sides in my 20s. The first one (Thanksgiving), I was so excited, but also quite overwhelmed. My kitchen and dining room were small and my old oven was moody. I remember getting up at 5 am to start. I had pored over Southern Living magazines for weeks to get table setting and decorating inspiration.

My family wanted everything like my beloved Mema made it (who was going to enjoy not doing the meal for the first time in decades), but DH’s family was from another state and had other culinary tastes.

Looking back, I should’ve communicated with everyone better, but again, was young and excited, and overwhelmed. I wanted to make my Mema proud.

The big day came. I was nearly done cooking, dishes were plated nicely, and my lovely table settings were ready to go. As everyone began arriving, I saw relatives of my late DH’s family with armloads of food, much of it not prepared. I kept a smile on my face and wondered where in the heck I would put these extra dishes and how cold my food would be by the time the new stuff cooked. I was frazzled!

It all turned out fine, and as the years went by they realized they didn’t need to contribute …. rather just kick back and enjoy the holiday. I was a SAHM at that time and really wanted them all to have an enjoyable and restful day. I think one still brought cranberry salad each year, already made. :D

Sorry, I wrote a book, just really missing those days. :)

Re: flowers … I love fresh ones and have pretty jugs for them. I like a kind of messy flower look and think they’re charming just plopped into a jug. After company leaves, I cut them and arrange them.

I think it’s perfectly normal to feel a bit put out when we’ve been working hard to entertain guests, and a wrench, even a minor one, is thrown in the plans! Totally understandable.

Jennifer said, ”When the last guest finally left the house the rant began . . .”

Were you peeking in my windows? That so describes me. :D

I once asked my sister to bring mashed potatoes to a family holiday dinner I was hosting. She arrived on the later side with a 5lb bag of potatoes. She thought it would be fun for us sisters to sit and peel potatoes together. It was not.

Kitchenwitch, funny I just had a conversation with a friend whio’s sister did the same thing. When asked to bring a salad, she brought the ingredients and said the same thing!

I understand the frustration of someone bringing flowers in cellophane. Yes, it was thoughtful to bring them and I always smile and thank them. But it's a definite inconvenience. My vases for such things are stored in the basement and it's annoying to have to stop my prep and go get one. I have been known to just put them down somewhere until I have time. Or if a family member that I allow in the basement (don't ask! A project for retirement!) is there, I will ask them to go grab a vase.

I always bring flowers in a vase to a dinner party. Never just in cellophane.

@nicole I remember your post about your rude neighbor. And I remember that you handled it so much better than I would have. I just do not understand people. If you are not asked your opinion on the decor, say something nice or nothing at all. Just so rude.

A somewhat similar story - my DD's friend was moving to a new house and asked DD for help in picking paint colors since DD is great at decorating. The friend has completely different taste from my DD. DD likes neutrals and friend loves color. DD kept telling her I'm not the best person to help with this because all my walls are white/cream. Friend eventually picked colors and had new house painted. DD visited. Thought the colors were awful (didn't flow nicely from room to room, etc). But of course said something like 'the paint looks great'. Friend replied in a snotty way -- see color IS nice. DD had to refrain herself from telling friend what she really thought.

We were visiting another couple and we were all invited to someone else’s house for Thanksgiving. I was bringing the green beans, and my house hostess mashed potatoes. We were prepping them the day before. We were to be twelve total, including a few gradeschoolers. I had beans for that and more. My house hostess had about 2 lbs of potatoes. Not wanting to be too presumptuous, I asked if we were asked to bring ”some” of our side dish or ”THE” side dish. Oops. She call the dinner hostess and yes, we made a run to the store for more potatoes.

Know your numbers!

Flowers, I send one of my kids to the closet for a vase. Plunge them in and wait till later like the next day, or wait and see if someone else arranges them. If someone wanders into the kitchen asking how they can help, I point to “the flowers so-and-so brought, aren’t they pretty?, could you maybe trim the ends and rearrange them to grace the piano?“ No expectations of pinterest perfection! My mom and aunty would send flowers the day before, arranged!, so it was easy to find a place for them.

She arrived on the later side with a 5lb bag of potatoes.

That ^ sounds like weaponized incompetence, they do that so they don’t get asked to bring anything again.

@eld6161 your suggestion to remind her that she is my guest and to socialize is a great one. Thank you! I struggle with what words to use to gently push her back to being a guest.

@nicole I am appalled that a guest would say something like that! Incredibly rude and sounds like she may have been ignorant of variety of decor styles. (Not to mention, does one really have to classify their style? Can't it just be your style?)

About a month ago when we had just taken possession of this house, we'd offered to give some of the furniture left by the previous owner to some acquaintances of my husband. When they came by to pick up the furniture they wanted to tour the house. We were busy clearning out and cleaning and preparing to move in and weren't excited to do so, but obliged. The wife then proceeded to tell me that the mirrored closet doors were "creepy" and she could never live in a house with them. What?!

Some interesting tales here. Some so over the top , I couldn't help laughing. And, thank you, Lars, thst was mighty sweet .

Prickly, I assume the mirrored doors were in the bedroom, where if you and your husband were, well you know, and it was light;???????????????

I could have written this rant. My sister is notorious for bringing a dish at the holidays that has to be fully made or assembled in my kitchen. And then the gazillion questions! I've learned over the years to respond to the "what can I bring" quesstion (which I do appreciate) with "wine will be perfect!".

Great stories! My go-to response when someone asks what they can bring, is similar to Rubyclaire's: whatever you like to drink. My friends have a variety of beverage preferences, and the last thing I want to plan for is everyone's favorite beers, wines, cocktails. etc.

My only complaint as a hostess is lack of reciprocation. We used to get together with neighbors. One neighbor and I would rotate hosting. Very casual, nothing formal. It just worked out that way. A third set of neighbors was always invited, always showed up with their kids, ate the food we prepared. But in years of doing this, I'd only been invited to their house once for a cookout. But I generally entertain far more often than my friends do, simply because I enjoy it.

We hosted family for 20 years to Christmas Eve, some for Thanksgiving, Easter, birthdays, summer party, christening, graduation. They have reciprocated, um, let’s see. One hosted Christmas Eve and said never again until they build the new house. They divorced instead. Another, to two bar mitzvahs and graduations — at the ”other” grandparents’ house. Another, at a restaurant a few times. And another, just us for dinner at a restaurant. Oh, and my favorite excuse, when I mentioned to my bachelor cousin who bought a house that he could host and we’d all help, and he said ”yeah, I guess I should get married to I can host.” Um, what does that have to do with it?

When I was too overwhelmed with sandwich generation stuff to host for a few years, no one said ”well, of course, everyone come to OUR house!” So, our parties are much smaller now. I don’t know what the others do.

…”they got divorced instead” was funny. The other just sad. But,you know, some are just not comfortable entertaining . But, wow! the restaurant was the perfect opportunity for a tiny bit of pay back. Shameless.

@Sherry8aNorthAL yep it was bedroom closets with mirrors. It isn't exactly what I would have selected, but it does make the bedrooms brighter. But really, who criticizes a house someone just bought?!

I definitely feel the hosting reciprocation frustration. In our family in our generation, we've owned a home the longest and have taken on a lot of hosting. Now most everyone in our generation has a place of their own, mostly houses, but no one else ever hosts. They constantly ask us when the next get-together will be, but don't seem willing to take on the effort themselves. It's a lot of work (and often a lot of money) to host a big group and it'd be nice if others in the social group would share the hosting burden.

@martinca_gw sunset zone 24....THIS neighbor was just over a few weeks ago. Another critique incident. She's on the HOA board & I was trying to give her advice on being kind, getting people to like her so they'd listen to her advice. At the time I didn't know she'd sent a "middle-finger" emoji in an email, to two females on the board....now requesting her removal from the HOA board. 😏....violation of the code-of-conduct

Wow, Nicole! She probably needs your friendship, but I’d avoid her like the plague!

Wow, @nicole. That woman has a problem and should not be on any board where interacting with people is important.

Interesting stories! And Nicole, the nerve of that neighbor!

We frequently host my very large family. My brother is a good cook and notorious for offering to bring a dish, but then brings only the ingredients, which need to be cooked and assembled using all my pots/utensils/stove/oven/space. And my sister-in-law (married to different brother), always brings ingredients, too. For that same Christmas meal, she offered to bring a green salad. She brought a big bowl of salad, then various containers and store bags of vegetables and zip top grated cheese that she squished into the buffet space so people could select to build their own salads. That same SIL one time volunteered to bring kid-friendly punch to party and on the way over, called to ask if we have a punch bowl. We do not, so I offered her a beverage dispenser that she used, and plopped the sherbet into - which, of course, doesn't dispense. Oy!