I'm with pesky - gift value has nothing whatsoever to do with what you gave before or what is being spent on this wedding or how many people are attending in your family. There is no tit for tat or cost per person dictating value of gift - THAT is tacky.

I would not give cash. Period. Give something from the registry.

You know, I just needed to vent! And I feel better now, because I know I am not crazy for feeling so miffed about this confluence of events. Thank you for the "validation".

OTOH, my DH is such a good guy, and he would certainly do this for me, and has. So I need to put on my big girl panties and do what he would like us to do. (gritting teeth).

I think I will satisfy my passive aggressive need to protest by buying the least special, most utilitarian thing on their registry! Not cheap, DH would not want that, but utilitarian. And like, with a computer generated card, as opposed to my typical card-fetishist-artisanal-handmade-card. My only little protest.

I would put as much effort into your gift as she did on her first marriage. (Meow, I know - who knows why a marriage goes wrong). But if it's his first marriage, then he's entitled (maybe more for his mother, if he's maybe the only child?) to the hoopla of a big wedding. So your idea of a utilitarian gift might be perfect; maybe more for him than her. Check to see if they're registered at Home Depot and buy him a ??? chop saw or something.

I agree, do a decent gift off the registry and call it a day.

I don't remember if it was Dear Abby or Ann Landers who always said a woman gets ONE big wedding, even if the man has never been married her second time around. It should be more subdued, but nobody pays attention to this anymore.

I vote for the peppermill and a book on love that has one sentence per page. Order them to read it aloud to each other in the inscription. Money is overrated and tacky for a second marriage. (The book is also tacky so it's an even exchange.)

Sheesh, a wedding invitation isn't a court conviction. You don't have to fork over half a grand to attend, no matter how many are going. If I felt I was obligated to anything more than I wanted to give of my own free will, I'd skip the whole thing because it would feel like extortion instead of a celebration of love. The expectation/obligation is crazy out of balance, IMO.

I think a second wedding has different considerations. A friend of mine was married for the second time to a physician at a very fancy restaurant in Phila. I noticed most gave gifts whether than money. I found that to be very tasteful and will probably go that path if every I am invited to another second wedding.

In the end,"knowing" you Mtn, you will give a substantial check.
I think what really might be upsetting you more, is that you have to attend this wedding. Why is it so important to your DH to go to this wedding when he has little contact with these relatives?

What kind of venue is it? IE how much per person. it is confusing how different it is from location to location. I would have thought the west coast would be more similar to the east coast, but from a recent wedding I was invited to I don't think it is. I do agree that second BIG weddings, with showers are a bit over the top. Is it his second marriage?

My opinion - you are agreeing to go and are planning to enjoy (at least DH is) the family visit and the party. I would probably give $600 if it were me, and suck it up. :)

Maybe not the answer you are looking for, but there it is! :)

oh well, I just read your decision as I scrolled back up - but I am posting anyway!

You guys are so funny!

Weddings often become de facto family reunions. I get that, and that is the ONLY reason we are going. Apart from that aspect, I would not go because 1) it is too far at a busy time of year and 2) we are not close to the bride and have never met the groom and 3) I think it is very self indulgent to expect to be feted twice as bride (and I married twice, so I am not being biased).

Ellendi, that is too funny, you do "know" me.

As I said above, i got them things from their registry totalling about $400. It was the easiest route.

PS Don't get me started on the incredible narcissism of today's weddings. With several young relatives, we have received "save the date" magnets with the couple's photo, thank you cards (with the couple's photo) and websites with entire photo albums of the couple, their profiles, how they met stories, ad inifinitum. It is like these people think they are celebrities. Am I the only one who thinks its weird to want to plaster photos of yourself all over? And to imagine that everyone cares about this stuff? I do hope this trend has passed by the time we marry off our munchkins.

Mtnrdredux, I am much meaner than you, obviously, and less concerned with my DH's sensibilities about what to give relatives. I would have given them a check for $400--- post dated to their fourth anniversary, and would have brought attention to the date in the card. Something like: "this is a gift to enjoy on the occasion of your fourth anniversary, with best wishes from The Mtnrdredux family." Make the check out to both parties (you can do that by writing "Miss Greedy Bride and Mr. Greedy Groom) so they will both have to endorse it. If they have split up by that time they won't even be able to cash it.

Sadly, only my relatives, not DH's, would be likely to behave in the tawdry manner of the bride you have described, and usually we simply do not go to those weddings. I have ALWAYS believed that wedding gifts should be given on the occasion of the couple's five year anniversary. Few couples we know need anything anyway. The one exception is for the children of people who work for us. Our housekeepers granddaughter (who was raised by the HK) has been the only person who ever received a wedding check of $500 from us....they actually NEEDED the money.

Yep itâÂÂs all out of control. That and women who think they are the first to ever give birth to a baby.

The two weddings I attended recently were for twenty something age couples and both seemed more like prom queens than serious brides. There is no receiving line (why?) and the "emcee" DJ announces the members of we do wedding party on a microphone as everyone claps (why?) and then the bride and groom appear and the bride waves her bouquet over her head in triumph. I find that inexpressibly vulgar.

Editing to add--- and when did every bride decide she had to incorporate ethnic features obviously not part of her own or the groom's backgrounds? Those money dances, putting the bride on a chair and hoisting her around the room...why on earth would anyone do either of those things if it were not part of their ethnic heritage?

This post was edited by kswl on Fri, Sep 20, 13 at 9:57

Kswl, That was a wonderful gift to your HK's granddaughter. It feels good to give those kinds of gifts. As opposed to these situations!

Jterri, yes, that too!

PS I am going to have to erase this after I post it, just in case ... but on their wedding website, in the section about being registered at Macy's, it also says "cold cash and blank checks also welcome", I suppose as a joke.

You have got to be kidding, mtn.....was the girl raised in a barn?

No, I am not kidding.

You are right about these brides' behaviors. There is no dignity or modesty, at the risk of sounding a million. Or even solemnity.

I attended my great nieces wedding last month. Her wedding was beautiful. Held outside, they married against a breathtaking view.

In family tradition, it was modest but filled with love. I purchased her a gift from their registry. $100. was the most expensive item on her registry.

My cousin got married for the 2nd time. Very modest affair, perfectly appropriate celebration for the occasion, very festive and on the invite she requested no gifts. I gave her money anyway to put toward her honeymoon...

Come to think of it, I never did get a thank you note...Hmm.

And when it comes to brides plastering themselves all over the thank yous and invites, you are so right! Clearly falls under the category of "just because you can do something doesn't mean you should: shutterfly run amok edition". This bride whose veil I made has posted a lot of her wedding pics on line and I'm stunned at how much of a second banana even the groom is. A lot of the pics are these "artsy" poses where it's almost like she's shunning him turning away from him and he's standing there scowling. Of course if I was treated as a 2nd banana, I might scowl too. I think she was trying to compete with the models and poses she's seen in BRIDE magazine.

Aimee is here. After reading the original post, she thinks you should give her Dr. Laura's 'Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands." Hehehe.

Yes, Annie, you are spot on. The poses are ridiculous. Here's one they all try to pull off, no matter how unsuited the pairing to this antic:

Oh, i forgot to add ...

According to Post (Peggy?), gifts are optional for second weddings. Who knew.

Here is a link that might be useful: gifts should ALWAYS be optional, technically!

Well in that case, no gift for the 2nd marriage and if that gets you cut off the guest list for the third marriage, consider that a gift to you!

I should be doing so many other things but instead I'm reading these very funny comments. Thanks for the laughs everyone.

Good luck Mtn. Take notes and report back with wedding details so I can have another laugh.

Re: photos.... It is more like a photo shoot for the bride than commemorative photos being taken of an occasion. And it takes so long people wait up to two hours before the wedding party appears at the reception, I guess that explains why they don't have receiving lines, people won't wait that lo g ----and shouldn't----to get Into the reception. I say take the pictures beforehand if you're going to make a production out of it... Do a dress rehearsal with all the clothes, then get out of the ceremony and go straight to the reception.

My, what a cranky old fussbudgetI have become!

I would also give something basic from her registry and call it a day. She sounds very self-centered and greedy.

Re stylized and over done photos. Having just finished up DDs wedding (and STILL waiting for the pics) she wanted `traditional` shots. Anything else would not be them. One of her faves is one she posted of her and the officiant, her best friend who was ordained specifically for the event. And my fave is the one of the bride & groom dancing. Just the joy on their faces, nothing more.

I helped a friend with her sons wedding-it was straight out of the Pinterest Playbook. Looking back at the photos and you will be able to date it to 2013. That bride, too, was a spoiled brat. Her MIL brought her over to me so she could thank me for helping
, she wasnt going to do it on her own. The groom had specifically sought me out earlier to hug and thank me-Id never met him before, and I was very impressed by. That. But little Miss Bride-ugh (it was also her 2nd wedding).

quoting from above
"the "emcee" DJ announces the members of we do wedding party on a microphone as everyone claps (why?) and then the bride and groom appear and the bride waves her bouquet over her head in triumph. I find that inexpressibly vulgar."

We did exactly that as an entrance to the wedding dinner at DD's wedding in August- (with a very upbeat song) , we did not have a reception line , the cocktail lasted 90 minutes while we did the family photos- there was live music during the cocktail party.

We will soon be showering people with wedding photos, it was a memorable day and the venue and decor was gorgeous, everyone had a grand time and told us so.
If they don't care to view the photos, they can NOT click on the link.

As for my opinion on a second wedding, so soon after the first, I guess I'm indulgent and figure that the first one was a mistake, it happens- The 2nd wedding becomes the first one for the 2 of them together, guests are free to protest it by not going and not giving a gift.

I didn't realize people had such diverse opinions on weddings and how subdued they should be. I'm just voicing my position here as we just recently hosted a wedding .

I'm so happy about how the wedding turned out that I was considering making a Pinterest board, how déclassé of meâ¦â¦lol

"cold cash and blank checks also welcome"

Send a blank check with void written across! ;)

I've enjoyed reading this thread. Thanks for the laughs.

I think that it's obnoxious to expect guests to, in essence pay for their share of the wedding costs. People should only throw parties (and weddings) that they can afford. Every guest should be welcome whether they bring a handmade wedding gift or a $1000 check. And for that matter, according to proper etiquette, gifts should not actually be brought to the wedding, but mailed to (usually) the bride's home.

DH was a DJ at a wedding several years ago. The bride's parents bought it at silent auction, with her blessing. I was appalled at the GUESTS, mostly, I believe, the groom's relatives. The invite had been perfectly clear to me that there would be snacks, but not "dinner" Maybe nobody reads??? I was helping the church ladies in the kitchen, and refilling tables, and these guests were coming INTO the kitchen, telling us we were out of shrimp, out of this, out of that!!!!! And the party went on and on, because they were working, so not going on a honeymoon.

Nancy

Mitch, was this a second wedding only three years apart? Please remember the context of the thread.

I'd love to see your photos and would love to hear all about it. I can live vicariously through you. I have never attended a fancy wedding and I have always been curious. Do tell and allow us to put our feet squarely in our mouths.

mitchdesi, one reason I dislike the wedding "entrances" is that, without a receiving line, many of the people at the wedding never get a chance to speak to everyone involved with the wedding. I've been to many weddings where the bride or groom's friends bring a plus one and that person never even meets the bride's parents, grandparents, the other family members, etc. Why have a person at the wedding who doesn't even know the family or who doesn't even meet them at the event? Most people do not make the effort to find the bride's parents to thank them for hosting the wedding (if they did). I personally think that people have a better time at events like weddings if the introductions are made at the outset and everyone knows who everyone is.... they have all shaken hands and spoken a few words to each other, and the social contract is fulfilled. Contrast that to the entrance of the married couple and their attendants, with some people not knowing most of the principals and never meeting them throughout the evening. That is poor management of a party group. I am NOT saying that this is what happened at your daughter's wedding, nor am I specifically criticizing you, her, or anyone else, just stating my opinion after having attended many, many weddings in many different roles.

I get it kswl, in our case we had a group of 70 guests only, large enough for a party but not that large to not know us, lolâ¦.
we had 20 young people come later for the dance part.

golddust, even knowing that it was a 2nd wedding 3 years apart, I still feel the same way- this rarely happens anyway. Hopefully it's only close friends and family.

I might post pictures later, I haven't seen the final batch from the photographer yet, they took a long time to come which I hear is standard due to the volume of weddings.

The thank yous that are form letters, nothing personal for the gift giver and splattered with bride pics remind me of the old joke.

Fellow at a cocktail party bends the ear of another guy for a long time, talking about nothing but himself. Finally he says, "Enough about me. Let's talk about you for a change....what do YOU think of me?"

RE: weddings and narcissism . . .(see below)

Here is a link that might be useful: Couple Thoughtfully Puts Up Wedding Website For Friends To Mock

Our son and new DIL also dispensed with the receiving line. I'd hate to have people wait in line at any point of the festivities, especially those with small kids or the aging relatives (plenty of bad knees & hips!). They did the grand entrance thing, along with the parents & the wedding party, but kept it short & sweet. By this point, the wedding guests & honorees had had plenty of chances to mingle. We hosted the rehearsal dinner & mixed up the seating to place the unfamiliars together for a chance to meet. We hosted a cocktail get-together afterwards at the hotel for all the out of town guests, attended by bride & groom, for another meet & greet. There was the cocktail hour before the reception. Bride & groom visited each table at the reception to thank guests. I'm happy to say both families went out of their ways to meet each other and guests, and I think all felt welcomed. It was a great wedding, if I do say so myself. Just the right balance of formality and informality, and very, very happy.

My first marriage was to my HS sweetheart, and our wedding was a small but formal affair, due to religious differences. My husband was killed in a car accident after 6 years and 3 children later. Three years later I remarried, and was appalled when my very thoughtful Mother took it upon herself to host a very informal party in her home since I felt a second wedding should be kept low key. The point I'm making is young people's expectations of having a second or even third blow out affair, and rules of etiquette seem to be non existant. If it were my son or daughter they would have gotten 'the talk' from me, and there would be no reception, just a simple party at one of the parents' home, with no gifts. I find it greedy as well as 'low class' to host a soirée for a second marriage. I can only hope the coupe hear from a guest or two how inappropriate the reception was, and it gets back to the parents to avoid the same mistake with future weddings.

I hear what you are saying, but there can be many reasons to have a big celebration the second time around.
I think those who are appalled should gracefully beg off and just not attend.

I agree that there are many occasions that a big celebration is warranted the second time around, I just object to the idea that guests must bring expensive gifts or cash (to any wedding, not just 2nd and 3rd) as the de facto price of admission.

This is a (bad) picture of our families typical wedding pictures. They were taken by my sister, the brides Grandma. We are such DIY people. LOL.

(I know you already bought things off the registry.) I would probably left it up to DH, but would've wanted to spent (much!) less. I very much dislike attending and being in weddings and showers.

"I think she was trying to compete with the models and poses she's seen in BRIDE magazine"
I don't know her, but she was probably following the photographers lead. It's popular to take artsy photos, which I like. We did mainly traditional for our wedding but I would've liked more artsy ones. Either way, we didn't plaster our pictures everywhere. Guests should know what you look like, lol. :)

We also didn't have a receiving line because I think they can be awkward and long depending on the space you have available. We went to each pew and talked with everyone. It's common to do that around here. I suppose the guests were kind of 'hostage' until we got to their pew. However, we also made a point to go around and talk with everyone at the reception.

Edited to ask; is it a first wedding for the groom?

We attend a lot of weddings. So glad to see the receiving line gone.

(Seriously, how boring? I have pictures of our Receiving Line, I am sorry our guests had to stand in line to say hello, and think of nice things to say to us, our parents and our attendants. Pretencious? Yes.)

We see joy in the Grand Entrances.

Save the receiving lines for the President or Queen.

ML

This post was edited by maddielee on Sun, Sep 22, 13 at 16:00

I think it would be funny if guests started wearing the exact same outfit to weddings of people who marry often.

I was away this weekend but wanted to circle back on this thread.

I think the tricky thing is that you expect to give a wedding gift only once, and most of us are generous when we do give, whatever that word means to us. The second time, if it is done in a way that repeats all of the same rituals ... shower, wedding, etc ... you feel odd as a guest. I didn't want to give substantially less this time vs last, since this is the new and improved marriage anyway. : ) But if I had wanted to give double the first time, I would have, KWIM?

I think the whole ritual of weddings has become overblown, but in fairness it's not the bride's fault. It's the whole bridal industrial complex. They are the ones that seem to set the standards and expectations. Too often the brides come off as looking, IMHO, a little juvenile or silly or incredibly vain. But, as one person said above, the vendors surrounding them drive a lot of that silly behavior.

Like anything, matters of taste and judgment are highly debatable. In the meantime, I'm happy for anyone that finds love, and weddings, say what you will about them, are one of the few times we see all of our family together for a joyous celebration. We will be there, with bells on, as they say.

It's not just overblown weddings. Think of Sweet 16, Quinceanera, pre-prom, post-prom, bar & bat mitzvah, and even kid's birthday parties. Celebration escalation. Yes, perhaps a lot of this is market driven, but one can always say no to a sales pitch. People want their turn at celebrity, I think. Instead of Queen For a Day, we can be Kardashian For a Day.

I will one up Andy Warhol by saying, "In the future, everybody will want more than 15 minutes of fame." lol!

OOOh, an excuse to ventilate. What do you think about these real world experiences?
1. The wedding invitation encourages you to go to couple's website. You know that the couple's combined gross income is $550,000. The website asks guests to bring envelopes of money (to be placed in a thoughtfully provided box at the reception). After the wedding, you receive a postcard photo of bride in her gown with a two line thank you. You are also encouraged to see the couple's wedding website, which contains 30 (or so) photos of the bride and a few of the bride and groom, but none of everyone else. At the reception, bride's family on one side, groom's on another, and a demilitarized zone of mutual friends in between.
2. Or the bride and groom send out gold, engraved, book-length invitations, with tassels, instructions, registry referrals, and lodging references. You go to the registry and find 30 pages of items distributed across four vendors. You know couple brings down $600,000 a year, because they discuss this at dinner one night, and bride and groom are not spring chickens.
3. and dittos to kswl:Re: photos.... It is more like a photo shoot for the bride than commemorative photos being taken of an occasion. And it takes so long people wait up to two hours before the wedding party appears at the reception, I guess that explains why they don't have receiving lines, people won't wait that lo g ----and shouldn't----to get Into the reception. I say take the pictures beforehand if you're going to make a production out of it... Do a dress rehearsal with all the clothes, then get out of the ceremony and go straight to the reception.
Add to that, the when the DJ announces the wedding party names as everyone marches in, he gets the name of the father of the bride wrong.

I could go on and on, but thinking about more of the details has just reminded me that I have bread dough to punch down!

I love weddings!

I've been to very small and intimate, very big and extravagant, very disorganized, super meticulous, a wedding where the bride was literally barefoot and pregnant, a wedding at a massive cathedral, a wedding in front of a government housing duplex, a wedding at a honky tonk. I've also been to a huge wedding where the bride, completely bedecked in white, was marrying her third husband. I've been to the wedding where the groom was marrying for a second time after being a widower for all of six months - they released doves.

I've always given exactly what I felt like giving - not based on any kind of rules - just what moved me. I have yet to receive any complaints but then I also have yet to receive a thank you card either but really, who cares? I had a blast at every one of these weddings.

Kelly, this brings to mind the notion that your gift should equal the cost of your dinner.
Most times it is the parents who pay for the wedding. They are not getting reimbursed for the cost. The couple keeps the gift.

Mtn'dux, you are much more gracious than myself. It isn't about the buying of a gift, it's the concept of thinking any wedding after the 1st is of equal importance, and a 2nd large affair isn't considered out of the ordinary and is acceptable etiquette. Or maybe there never was a discussion of what is acceptable and what isn't. I guess this is just another example of young people and their entitlement.

I sincerely hope your family enjoys the day with family members and this groom is a keeper.

The perfect gift for some of these weddings, even though it isn't on their registry...it's an original painting, shows you care.

If you go to the link you can read the newspaper trim on their outfits...

Here is a link that might be useful: Just in case someone wants to buy it.

O'chic, so cute! I wouldn't hesitate to gift it to a 2nd go-round couple. ;o)

I think it would satisfy my need to gift them with SOMETHING, but have them always wonder if I seriously thought they would like it...and why didn't I just give them the $ instead. :-) I don't think today's couples would even put it aside in the attic - it would go straight to the goodwill, if it even went that far. Just the small delight I would have thinking about them opening it would be good enough for me.

No insult intended to the artist at all. It just wouldn't be to most people's taste, especially the entitled.