I have one full sibling I am quite close with and one half sibling with whom I am not. We really never have been even though we grew up together. We get along ok but we are very different in values and get on each other's nerves.

Drug abuse is such a family killer. I know it sounds cheesy but if you do have s lot of unsettled feelings and anger toward your sibling, Al Anon family groups may be one avenue to try. At least it's free. It will help you sort out your feelings and expectations toward the person without letting them off the hook so to speak.

This is an issue in my family, adult siblings trying to find/decide their relationship to one another. We do not have chemical abuse as an excuse we just have old habits. There were five of us. The younger three were tight growing up and continue to be. The oldest two, had their own lives outside the family. After concerted effort for 15 years what I learned is the habits you forged when young, relationally, are the ones that will guide you now. My question is, when you KNOW a relationship doesn't work, when you know the differences in priorities,life style, are too large why is it so difficult to just LET IT GO? My parents are still alive, so it is obvious what little contact we have is for their benefit. Once they are gone I do not see any interaction among us. Sad? yes it does make me sad. My problem is I don't know why? Blood guilts us into thinking we HAVE to like these people..and often we just do not.

This family relationship has been on my mind a lot, also.

DH and I have one brother each. Both of them are shafting us for estate dealings. I have tried to let it go. I don't think I should.

Until about a month ago, I had not spoken to my brother in 3 years. We moved 900 miles, and you would have thought we changed phone numbers. DH always asked why I didn't call him....well, he has MY #, too!

I had one brother and our relationship had the usual quota of sibling rivalry, ups and downs. We spent most of our time at different schools in different countries in our adolescence and young adulthood. We finally became friends as adults. After several bad marriages he at last started a family, had two boys, and when the second child was just two months old my brother died very suddenly of a heart attack at age 46. I am an only child now and wish with all my heart I had a brother to complain about.

For those of you with strained sibling relationships, especially if there's substance involved, I'm sorry for your difficulties. kswl - I understand your wish.

I'm the youngest of 4, boy, girl, boy, girl - 11 years between oldest brother and me. Middle 2 siblings are deceased. I was 14 when my closest sibling died at 19 from brain cancer - losing him defined my life for a long, long time. My sister, 8 years older than me, had borderline personality disorder but of course I didn't know that until I was almost 30. All I knew was that I had a sister with whom I desperately wanted a relationship but she was often away at therapeutic boarding schools and hospitals when I was growing up - details were not part of family discussions and much was kept from me as the 'baby'. When she was home, she ran so hot and cold I never knew *who* I would be with. Finally at 27 I begged her to go to my therapist with me - I was struggling to make sense of our relationship. She didn't want to but eventually did and I asked her what I'd always wanted to know - why don't you love me. She said, "If you and I were not related and met as strangers at a party, we would never choose to be friends. Why should blood make that different." It was a knife in my heart because I thought - and still do - that blood does make it different. It took another few years for me to understand her illness. Finally I accepted there is no dance I could dance, no magic phrase I could utter to make her love me - it wasn't about me. She called me when she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and I flew to her, went back a few months later as the disease progressed and moved her back to her home when she said she didn't want to die in the hospital. That was 2007. I still have an ache and empty place in my heart where my sister should have been. I moved away from home 4 months ago but before that my oldest brother and I saw each other a few times/month, lunches, family dinners/holidays. I miss him and he's not a great phone talker so I'm looking forward to getting home for a visit.

I'm the third oldest out of nine. All born within twelve years...so you can imagine the fights and lack of personal space. We did grow up close, though, and remain close. All in our forties and fifties now, with many many offspring included. I think, in our case anyway, that kept us all close is our parents home was our center, so to speak. Sunday dinners were a given and a way to keep us connected.

Jlc...I can so relate to you regarding your brother. One of my brothers was the same way for years and we've all bailed him out more times that I care to remember , but we never disassociated him from our lives...maybe that would have helped in the early days, who knows, but it's worked out well now. Hope things go the same for you...and your brother...one day soon.

Adding a virtual hug to all of you!

I'm the second oldest of seven and I'm so fortunate to say that all of us have the best times together to this day. Two years ago we decided to have a siblings weekend at my brother's home on the Cape as he had lost his wife that year. I only lived for three years with my younger siblings so this was more than wonderful. I brought lists of questions and we all had different memories. We were so fortunate to have parents who showed us the way. My Mom was one of eleven and she was extremely close to all of them and my Dad was the same so we saw this behavior from day one. Right now we're planning a sibling trip. I can honestly say my sibs are my very bests friends outside of one gf who has been my bestie since we were fifteen. I wish all of you could have had the same experience, we know it's rare and we treasure it. I can't say my own kids are like that, my two sons are very close and they love their sister but they're not in each others lives until the holidays. The grands are the same, they go their own way whereas my generation we played with out many many cousins and now all those cousins are congregated in one forum on FB, we have a blast sharing photos and memories.

I count my blessings that my 2 younger sisters & I are good friends, despite living @ 3 furthest points of the US: NY, CA & FL. In fact I count them among my best friends. I credit it mostly to my parents' strong sense of family ties. I grew up knowing & having fun w/ lots of cousins, young & old, aunts, uncles, great aunts, great uncles, & of course grandparents. We spent part of every childhood summer in WI w/ my mom's family & traveled often to visit the rest of the family that did not live near us in FL. Also, living in FL near the coast means that extended family loves to visit us as well - esp. during colder months.

Hubby, OTOH, has the opposite relationship w/ his family - due mostly, he believes, to the fact that his mom seemed to encourage a lot of rivalry & resentment amongst him & his siblings - & still does to this day. She has basically cut him off because he doesn't get involved in the never-ending squabbles, gossip & backstabbing.

My father died of cancer 20 years ago but he was an alcoholic. He left 5 children (there were 6 but one left early and then unfortunately later died of a brain aneurysm) who speak but aren`t close and except for the occasional family dinner or wedding we don`t get together. He left behind a wife (my mom) who has a perfunctory relationship with her children but has no desire to know them.

Would this have happened if my dad hadn`t been an alcoholic - who knows. But, as children and young adults, we were just so busy trying to emotionally survive. I like my siblings and I hope that they like me and that is all I can ask for at this stage.

Our children, all the cousins, are closer thanks to facebook. When they get together they have such a good time.

I am a middle. My older sister died of ovarian cancer 20 years ago. It has been strange going from the middle to the oldest. I miss her very much and even more so as our mother has become very elderly. All the decisions are left to me and I wish I could talk it over with her. She was always smarter and more practical than me. We had the usual squabbles as kids but of course loved each other very much. I have a younger brother whose lifestyle is very different from mine so I only see him once or twice a year. He lives on the other coast. I do love him and we are growing closer as we age. He was kind of invisible to me as a kid. He was just a pesky brother. No family drama here, thank goodness, even among the younger generation.

I wish I had a large family like many of you. That would be fun.

I too am surprised at the size of some of your families!

I am the second of 5, all girls. We were raised doing things together as a family, traditional nightly dinners, church on Sundays, family outings and so on but despite my parents best efforts, we 3 older girls fought like crazy growing up. We weren't dysfunctional in the typical sense, just a lot of sibling rivalry. Our father was in the Navy and unfortunately absent for long periods of time which may have contributed to the situation some and it also had to have been hard for our mother though she never ever let it show. They had a good marriage and they set a good example for us especially when it came to working as a team; they provided us with a home and life they never had. The two younger siblings, born after our dad retired, were always and still are best friends. The middle sister is an odd cookie, she's estranged from everyone by choice and suffers from a lot of mental illness. My older sister who never had kids of her own, keeps in touch with everyone, especially the younger two and their kids. My mother is also extremely close to my oldest sister as well as the two younger siblings and their kids. I can't say I am close but I love them all and keep in touch but living out of state makes it harder. I do count our blessings too that for all but one, we out grew our differences and in 3 generations, we haven't had drug or alcohol abuse.

I'm the oldest of 5 sisters and one brother. We refer to ourselves as 'the sisters' and we are *tight*. Among the five of us, two have serious alcohol/substance abuse problems but we all love each each dearly. Our age range spans 14 years, and since our mom died when I was 19 and my youngest sister was only 5...we all mother each other in a way. Except for one sister who lives ~3 hours away we all still live in the same town. We tend to form inter-sister bonds; the two with problems hang out together (they are also the only ones not married), and my youngest sister and I are called the bookends because we are most alike in temperament.

When we are all together it is somewhat off-putting to others because as my husband says "you all are your own unit and you don't let anyone else in." It's not something deliberate but we do find each other endlessly interesting, we share the same taste in jokes and of course the same family history, we all are avid readers, politically in tune (except for one of us, the sister who lives out of town). In tough times we pull together always; when my youngest sister had breast cancer we all took care of her in our own ways as best we could. When my alcoholic sister bottomed out we all tried to help, again as best we could.

My sisters are definitely my best friends and we are our own sorority. I have thought over the years that it's sad my daughter will never know that kind of bond.

Interesting, runninginplace, that "you all are your own unit and you don't let anyone else in." My son-in-law says the same about my six kids, that they're like otters playing in a pond when they're together. He and his brother have nothing like that.

I'm the only girl, have four younger brothers, all of us scattered around the country. I'm close to the youngest two boys, talk to them frequently. My favorite brother (don't tell the others), the one in the middle, died twenty years ago, and I will miss him always. I am 16 months older than my oldest brother, and that boy has known how to pull my chain since the day he was born. He does it with a smile and says "What?" every time. He's the one who gave me my life-long nickname - Sheesh - when he was just learning to talk. Some things never change.

My kids didn't have cousin relationships the way I did growing up and still have as an adult. The grandkids, though, are having a wonderful time growing up together, and I love watching and nurturing that. Still wish I had a sister, though, am jealous of you who have several! Lucky ducks!

Sheesh

Runninginplace - Your story immediately brought to mind this story/photos:
Forty Portraits in Forty Years

I have the best (15 months older) sister in the world and the most generous (15 months younger) brother. We were close growing up and remain so. I'm lucky.

I am the third of four. First born sister is 8 yrs older-then brother 6yrs older- then an 8 yr younger sister. My DH is one of 5 but they are all closer in age so I see a huge difference in family dynamics. Thankfully no drug or alcohol abuse in my immediate family but my FIL died of cirrhosis from alcohol abuse.

I am the youngest of 5, the "baby" who surprised my parents late in life. I have 3 brothers and 1 sister. My oldest brother is 16 years older and the same age as my MIL(!) and my youngest brother is 7 years older. So, they are more close in age. They also live near each other while I live 500 miles away for about the past 20 years. I have 10 nieces and nephews and 10 great-nieces and great-nephews.

We are all very different, but close. Our father died over 20 years ago. When our mom got sick and was dying in 2008, we banded together. With the exception of my youngest brother who could not get the time off work, they all drove down to celebrate my 50th birthday. They rented a house at a nearby lake, and we had a good time. Two of my brothers have had health scares, so I take nothing for granted that they will be around forever even though they are only late 50's to mid-60's. I don't even want to think about losing any of them.

I have 4 sisters and 1 brother. We all very close, see each other often, and email or talk daily. While I don't take it for granted, I can forget how lucky we are that we have this relationship. My mother says the thing that makes her feel the most proud is how well we all get along. Her grandkids are spread all over the world, and range in age from 36 to 6, but they also have a very positive relationship. Two of my sibling's spouses also come from large, fun, closeknit families. They are a pleasure to be around when the opportunity presents itself.

It has been a learning curve for my husband since he's from a small family (1 sibling). He doesn't know how to participate in 3-4 conversations at the same time, pick up a thread of conversation from days ago, or know all the inside jokes. But he's improved over 20+ years. And we never fault him if he needs to disappear to another room, or floor of the house, if it gets to be too much.

Wow! Am I the only one without siblings? I am an only child. My mother died 20 years ago at 55. So it's just my dad and me, but DH has 3 siblings. And DH and I have 3 kids. DH and his siblings all love each other and get along, but they are terrible about staying in touch. We are all at different stages -- he is a lot younger than his siblings so while we still have teenage kids, his oldest brothers have grandchildren! Everyone got together a lot more often when their parents were alive. I think their mom was the glue that held them together in a way.

I'm in the middle. Three years younger than my brother and four years older than my sister. As kids, my brother hated me. I'm pretty sure he had/has ADD and Dad always compared us (I had better grades and didn't lose/destroy stuff). As an adult, he's an alcoholic who needs me often - he lives 50 miles away. Right now, he's sober and we have a cordial relationship.

My little sister and I are very tight. As kids, we shared the same room and played together constantly. Now, I wish we were geographically closer (me TX - her NJ) but we talk and/or facetime daily - sometimes multiple times a day. We also make a point to visit one another every three months or so. It's funny, our lifestyles are completely different and I would describe her as controlling, self-absorbed and judgmental. But she really does have a heart of gold, we can laugh hysterically together and we just "get" each other. She's my baby sister and I don't know what I would do without her.

sueb you're not the only "only". My dad died when I was very young and I was raised by my mother who died when I was in my early 40's. I married a man with a brother and sister, and they had youngish parents, so I was happy to have a family, finally. But his sister was a very religious person who married and moved to Australia to do "conversions" to her sect, along with her lay "minister" husband. We had nothing in common and I don't think my husband liked anyone in his family but his older brother. My husband died at 47 and 3 years later his brother died. I have no contact with the family at all - we just never clicked, except for the brother.

I never missed having siblings, but you never know what you haven't had. I am, and have always been, drawn to big, raucous fun families and have been lucky to have been "adopted" into some during my life as an honorary sibling. It's really fun!

I have 3 younger sisters. One is only a year younger than I, the next is roughly 7 years younger and the youngest is 10 years younger. I am not that close with them. The younger ones are closer and they have more ways of bonding. They are more inclined to visit with each other, talk on the phone, go to movies, etc. None of these things are up my alley. I will go to dinner once in a while with them and hold my tongue most of the time. I was more of a mother hen when we were growing up and obviously, that is not my role to them now. Also, when I moved out at 18, I got married and kids followed now too long after that so I have been in a different place for a while. I also figure that one has only so much of themselves to give, and since I have 2 children with special needs (one medical, one developmental), I simply do not have the energy to devote to try and establish those bonds with my siblings now. There is one sibling that I have also been closer to but that relationship is evolving, too. The sister closest to me in age often had "issues" with a lot of acting out, drama, etc and I really had no more capacity to deal with it. Those issues have improved but that was the foundation for our relationship, and it was not a good foundation.

Families develop in a multitude of ways that are dependent on all of the personalities involved. If my sisters need help, I will do what I can for them. Will I seek them out when I find myself in a crisis, no. Sometimes I think the lack of closeness is a sad thing but for the most part I am at peace with it.

I am one of four. An older sister that is 7 years older, a brother who is 6 years older and I am a twin. My mother was 37 when she had us and back then she felt old to be pregnant and then to find out it was twins was surprising to say the least.

We are all in different states. I'm in New York, my oldest sister is in New Jersey, my brother is in Alaska and my twin sister is in North Carolina.

I'm not close to my oldest sister. Being the oldest, she was expected to help with us and I think she still has resentment to this day. She can be a bit nonconventional and sometimes odd in her way of thinking and doing things. We keep in touch with emails as she claims she doesn't like talking on the phone. Yet, if we call her, she can talk for hours. She will make it a point to participate in family events but will hasn't invited us to her home in years.

I keep in touch with my brother and although he lives the furthest, he usually takes trips at least once a year and I sometimes see him more than my older sister.

I am very close with my twin sister, We're fraternal but have the same sense of humor and way of thinking. We talk all the time and try to visit each other at least once a year.

I am the second of 5 children. I'm one year younger than my older sister and my younger siblings are a 5 years younger sister, a 7 years younger brother and a 9 years younger brother.

My older sister and I were very close as children, but by the time we were teenagers, her personality was much different and we didn't share as much in common. She was diagnosed as Bi-Polar, which sadly became really bad in her 40's. She is a very generous and compassionate person, but very difficult to get along with, as she views things totally different than her siblings. She has been estranged from one brother for over 10 years, which is really sad, because they were always close, before she perceived that he had maliciously wronged her.

My youngest brother is actually most similar to me in character, but I'm closest with my younger sister, probably because we're closer in age. We all love each other absolutely, (I'm still including the two who aren't speaking, because I know they'd each be devastated if something happened to the other) but do not all get together more than once or twice a year. The estrangement between our 2 siblings makes for very awkward visits, when both of them talk to the rest of us, but avoid talking to each other. I know our mother would be heartbroken to know two of her children were not speaking. Hopefully they'll patch things up before it's too late.

Very interesting to read, thank you all!

I am the oldest of 3, and have 2 younger brothers. We were close as kids and remain pretty close. The middle brother lives about 40 minutes away and the younger brother, almost 10 years younger than me, lives 3 hours away, but his oldest daughter now lives in the city near us. So we do see each other frequently and enjoy each others company. We also frequently visit him. I love both my SILs too, so that's a bonus in getting a couple of sisters that I never had growing up. Even though I was closer to the middle brother growing up, I feel closer to the youngest brother now. Our personalities and thought processes are much more in sync. The middle brother is much more uptight but we still get along.

Things aren't perfect between the brother who lives closest to us, but they have never had kids or pets. I think that has a lot to do with it as they maintain their home so perfectly it's almost as if our rambunctious kids and grandkids are afraid to move in their home. They are gracious hosts, don't get me wrong, but it's not a kid-friendly place to visit.

Speaking of family members, do any of you address your siblings as big/lil bro or big/lil sis? How about your cousins as Cuz? A relative of my husband's only ever calls her brother Bro or Big Bro. I don't remember her ever using his first name. I assume she knows it. She refers to any of the cousins as Cuz. I notice none of them use those terms for her, except occasionally on Facebook, but not when speaking to her. I was wondering if this is more common than I think. Maybe her other cousins, who are not related to my husband, do it and it's a common thing?

How old is she? Maybe she's got memory fading and all the names don't come to her easily? (I recently heard trying to remember things/names called a brain scavenger hunt)!

She's done it as long as I've known the family, 20+ years. There's nothing wrong with doing it, I just don't know anyone else who uses those terms and wondered if it was common elsewhere.

Hhireno, she sounds like quite a character!

Magdalenalee, that's it exactly. She is quite a character. A lovable cuz-in-law.