Wow. I really see no way to correct this situation other than to have a heart-to-heart with the four of you in the room. I think you need to be VERY clear that you love the dogs and understand that they also love the dogs, but that it is an unreasonable demand they are making on you and it is, after all, not really in the best interest of the dogs!

Not much help, and I certainly do not envy your position - nor theirs.

I'm not sure how, or if, you would say this to this guy's face, but....

It sounds to me like he's into ownership, and control..... love, maybe not so much?

Yeah, I know - maybe that sounds harsh but consider what "love" is. One aspect of love, IMHO, has to do with considering the needs of the beloved above your own. You want what is best for the animal or person that you love.

The dog's needs are pretty clear here - is he honestly able to meet those needs? And what is HIS needs in this situation? Merely to "own" dogs..... or what?

Has the boyfriends sister actually stated that she would want to take them? If so what's up with this guy that he cant recognize our extremely fortunate he is to have that option. He needs to be an adult and state clearly what his needs are - if he does not want to "give away" the dogs to his sis then under what circumstances would he allow her to take over some, or all, of their care? What if he maintained the option to get them back in a year or two or whenever the job responsibilities settled down? Heck, why not be co-owners - dogs in one place during the week, the other place weekends. Kids can thrive in such a situation if it's handled well - no reason dogs couldn't.

Maybe you could show them these replies as a starting point for a conversation?

I sure as heck would not bring "Internet Advice" to a family meeting. I also would try the "we're in this together" approach rather than confronting anyone about their motives or love or concern for the dogs.

Of course, I'm of the old school of ending all discussions with a simple, "Yes, dear." (50 years of marriage and she still refers to me as, "her first husband." That is, unless she's mad at me in which case I'm her "current husband.)

Well hey Salti it was a thought - and my suggestion was to use replies only as a "starting point for conversation," that's all. It doesn't mean OP necessarily agrees with any of it, that she should use them to beat anyone over the head with it. And I didn't necessarily advocate beomg "confrontational" so much as just trying to encourage these folks to clearly distill and express what exactly their needs are in this situation.

But whatever - just let me say this. Different families, different cultures, have different communication styles. Some very direct/emotional, some indirect /unemotional. Some in-between. My family of origin is VERY direct and so because of my background I tend to think the indirect style looks waffly and sneaky to me. While people with the indirect style are probably going to think my family too blunt.

Guess it ultimately has to be up to OP to decide how best to begin a conversation and present her thoughts.

Best to you OP - sure can understand how difficult this is - it would be different if there weren't animals involved - not like you can just walk away from it and close off your heart.

One of my relatives married a man who owns a beautiful historic home in a wealthy neighborhood. Her son by her previous husband has a pit bull and it has torn up the original craftsman woodwork and also damaged furnishings. They love that dog but now her husband's son and daughter who will legally inherit hate my relative and her son. More than the dog. Before this they all got along. Now they can't even be civil or share holidays.

It all could have been prevented. I'm sad for the dogs and if I were you, I'd ask that she make sure the dogs have food and that they get cleaned up after. I know someone who was almost killed by a pathogen from cleaning up pet soiled carpeting. This is a real threat. It almost killed him in 3 days. He lost his whole nose, a big section of cheekbone and the doctors were just able to save his eye. He's still doing chemo. and lost his job that he loved.

It's a hard situation. She wants him and is willing to let this happen. But sending her dogs away and letting this go on is not good for her. I think the destruction of things is the least of it. You feel bad, the dogs aren't doing well, he's being insensitive to everyone. It's not a good future ahead. She needs to stand up for herself and her family already.

I agree that an open candid family meeting should be scheduled. Your starting point is the best interests of the dogs and suggestions to remedy the current situation (doggie day care, sister as "foster" ) so that you can enjoy them as well. You can't change them, but you can tighten your own boundaries so they don't keep invading them.

Thanks for the comments and suggestions. DD and I talked today and she brought the subject up. She is going to have a talk with her boyfriend to find a resolution because she thinks the dogs are not getting the attention they deserve. Fingers crossed...

i hope they can find a solution that works for everybody. i dunno, and i don't mean to sound hateful or know-it-all or anything like that but...this is your DD's house, BF doesn't LIVE there although he spends lots of time there. if he allows this sort of thing (shredding furniture, soiling floors) in HER house, i can't even imagine what HIS house must look/smell like. this is SO very disrespectful of him to allow his dogs to trash his GF's home.

and, as if all that ^ isn't bad enough, he doesn't seem to give a rat's patootie about YOU having to clean up HIS dogs' messes not to mention spending YOUR money on food for HIS dogs??

if i was your DD, i'd kick him and his dogs to the curb and bring MY dog back home! i should stop before i say any more but i wish you good luck.

At the very least, I would not be cleaning up their dogs' poop. If they have to do it, I imagine their tolerance for this situation will change rapidly.

Just curious if your DD had the conversation? Poor dogs, they certainly deserve better .. so do you!

You and your husband clean the dog accidents, plus the yard?! IMO, you are making it too easy for them. If the boyfriend and your daughter had to constantly come home to - and clean up - dog waste and messes, they would most likely realize they are neglecting the dogs, and agree to have his sister adopt them.

They broke up today. I hope it sticks because I think it is for the best.

i hope your daughter isn't too sad about the break up but maybe she saw that she can do better!

And you can do better too. It is hard to refuse a request from a child, but you should not obligate yourselves to mend their bad choices. There will be other boyfriends, hopefully better ones, but because of this precedent there might also be unreasonable expectations of your assistance in matters that were brought on by their bad choices. There are kind and loving yet firm ways to decline if this should happen.

She is heartbroken but staying strong for now. She made a list on good and bad things about their relationship. One thing she noted was that when she first met him he told her he walked his dogs every day. Such a lie. I think she is still in love with the guy who was on his best behavior and is very confused that he "changed." Being older I know he didn't change and she is just seeing the real man. In her heart she knows this too, but it is still painful for her. I just recently found out that he punched holes in the walls of her house. This guy is not someone she should be with. I wonder how she even let this relationship get as far as it did. Love is blind?

Already she has had her guy friends (she has tons of friends) come out of the woodwork trying to date her. She met up for coffee with an old friend who has been hoping for an opportunity but she wasn't ready and it made her feel worse. I should not have encouraged her, but I wanted her to get some confidence back. She just wants to lay low and lick her wounds. I respect that and need to stop meddling. Lesson learned.

In our family- family is everything, and the dogs are family. We are such loyal people. I just can't see her taking this guy back. And he is trying to get back while blaming her for "pushing him in to a corner." It just makes me sick. I just think she was vulnerable because she met this man after calling off her wedding last year. She was engaged to a very nice man who decided after four years of being together that he only wanted to work part time and let her take care of him. He was nice- but she couldn't see herself starting a family with a man who didn't want to work. Then walked in the guy with the great job and great story...

It sounds like there's a lot of issues that may need professional intervention. Until then, she should stick to the four legged variety.

Your daughter sounds smart. When someone doesn't treat his pets well, it says something about him. There's more to owning a pet than just buying it. Not arranging his life to care for them, not bothering to make sure they had food and exercise, red flags all.

Wow, he sounds like a classic abuser .. hope she stays away from him.

All of these years, I thought saltidawg was a gal! Sorry, salti. : )

I hope your dd stays away from this guy. I agree that she should just lay low for a while. If he's punching holes in the walls, it's juts a matter of time before he's punching her!

"All of these years, I thought saltidawg was a gal! Sorry, salti. : )"

Ah, my feminine side showing again.

I don't get that a lot. Retired US Navy Submariner - 24 years of Service. Tattoo, the whole nine yards. lol

I was an exhibitor and breeder of (English) Bulldogs for decades - men are a distinct minority, yet successful, in that avocation.

PS I see they now have women serving on some of the boats (submarines.)

Lots of tears but she is sticking to her guns. We miss the dogs and worry about them. Sad that we worry more about his dogs than he ever seemed to. Life lesson for her- Don't love people who don't take loving care of their pets because they usually won't take loving care of their people.

You must be so relieved - glad your daughter seems to have her head on straight after all!

Salti, in all fairness, most of the gals I know are pretty butch, LOL!

acadia, I just hope dd stays away from this guy...the initial stages of a break up are painful and people often go back to the former love just to stop the pain.