My personal experience with multi generational living is limited. My maternal grandmother lived with my parents (and me by extension) prior to my birth and until her death when I was 22. Parents built a house with a suite for her - bedroom, bath and sewing room - but she was part of family meals and activities. Then when we were building our adult kids came to live with us for the 18 month process. Neither situation relates much at all to what you are considering.

Kswl's financial thoughts are extremely important to hammer out in advance of any move forward. And Oly's 'what if' scenarios must be given a lot of thought. I always look at Mojomom's situation as the dream situation but the details differ a lot from yours. A more likely situation than DBF being hit by a bus is one of the parents dies and/or the other becomes more needy (medically or otherwise) with age. There are a lot of potentially moving pieces to consider and all of the ramifications.

Although I don't have experience with older parents, I have a similar issue with my oldest daughter and her fiance.

They just sold her co op and luckily we have a basement apartment in one of our properties that moved their belonging to. It is 40 minutes from my house. However, they much prefer the amenities of my house and we see them often, and they sleep over!

I of course love them both, but having them underfoot 24/7, not so much.

You are lucky that you all get along. But this could change when living together.

I would like you to think through your day. What little things would have to change? For example, when I get up, I like to start in my pajamas. When fiance is here, I have to be more mindful.

When they are here, I have to reconsider when I do my laundry. They sleep downstairs next to the laundry room.

Fiance is a foodie, we are not. We like to eat light meals and not late at night.

DH doesn't like too much chatter in the morning, he likes to ease into the day.

We have favorite seats and places to read, go on computers, ipads etc. I would never tell my DD to scoot over as that is my favorite spot on the sofa. That just feels petty, but.....

So many small things.

Another example. When visiting SIL, her tv is on constantly. Constant background noise makes me crazy.

The list goes on.

For me, step one would be for BF to move in with you first. You need this time alone to sync your own preferences and routines. Let inlaws remain in BF’s house.

While I understand the concept, BF did not do this with his ex wife. I know circumstances are different now, but I can't imagine the parents being offended if BFexplains you want to take your relationship up to next level.

I have to agree that I personally would not combine incomes before marriage. But, I know it's a different world now.

I agree with Oly’s post. Very insightful.

I would prefer Mojo’s set up, but maybe that doesn't seem exactly like BF wants.

While problematic, this is an exciting time for you. Keep us posted..

Does he want to live with them, or want to take care of them? (can they afford to live on their own) The two are different.

Do you want to live with them?

Personally, I think that is a huge ask to live with them. I would not do it. IMHO multigenerational set ups work when there is give and take. Eg the younger generation is getting fin'l help or help w kids. This is one sided. Fine for him, he is their son and chose that. But for you it is a a sacrifice for people who are not related by blood or marriage. I would resent it.

I would choose the option of having him live with you and contribute to your household, and downsize them to something that will help them age in place. That is the least risk to you personally, and may even be better for them.

Oh and glad things are working out between you two lovebirds!

I would add that, just to keep things copacetic and facilitate a continued close relationship, if you did choose this plan, I would institute a standing rule that you all have Sunday night dinner, and maybe he has a standing Thursday night date with them, too (your girls' night; I will bring the Sangria)

Good points, mtnrd. When we were getting married, DH's family expected us to move into the old house with them. I informed DH that if that was going to happen, the marriage was off as I knew it wouldn't last long anyway if we did. No way could I live with everyone up in our business, as they were wont to do. His family was NOT happy, but tough toogies. And remember, I knew and spent a LOT of time with his family ever since I was a wee one. Doing the same with essentially strangers? A lot tougher for sure.

For me, step one would be for BF to move in with you first. You need this time alone to sync your own preferences and routines

Yes, as lovely as it is, even this will involve some sacrifice/adjustment.

I agree with you Eld about kids. Sometimes we like an empty (and perfectly clean!) house. We sure do like travel on our own and meals for 2.

Arcy, no one is "insane" here. The OP is, IIRC, a trained attorney and a savvy woman.

I would never be able to live with my own father, even though he probably thinks it would be a great idea. He's a narcissist so that's why on both accounts. I hate to be a negative Nellie, but I wouldn't live with my husband's parents on a second marriage, not unless they had a completely separate apartment. You're going to see a side of them you haven't seen yet when you move in and become their daughter-in-law. I am married to a 68 year old divorced man. It's my first marriage and his second. He treats me like a second class citizen now that he has a dog. I can only imagine how it would be if it was an actual human relative. The parents will always come first. Think seriously about what you will have to tolerate. I would never have imagined my husband would treat me this way and I'm the one who encouraged him to get the dog. We got along fine when we both lived in our own homes. Now that we are married, he has all kinds of neuroses that are cropping up. I can only imagine how it would be if we added two more people to the mix. My own father is pretty intolerable but I do what I can because he's family. My husband can't stand him and it's the same for him. This is a worst case scenario, but it could happen. I'd move in, rent my house. I would not put my long term eggs in that basket. We have family friends who had their mother living with them, was OK until she developed dementia. She got so bad she made both partners ill with her paranoia and abusive behavior. Eventually she went to a nursing home but it was several years of hell for both of them. This could happen at some point so I would leave an exit strategy.

It's amazing how fast some people change as they age.

I'm not saying this will happen to you, I'm saying plan for the worst case scenario with a plan that includes an easy exit for you.

We have some friends who built a home with separate living quarters in the lower level for her parents. It worked out well for many years but that was not shared living quarters. Her father passed recently and her mother has dementia so is now living upstairs with friend and her DH. I think it's very important to think ahead about what the arrangements will be if parents can no longer care for themselves. Will you and BF become caregivers?

The other thought that comes to mind, unrelated to multigen, is my BIL's current situation. He remarried, she sold her home and she and her children moved into his. Then he bought a second vacation home that she had her family also enjoyed. Four years into the marriage she decided to call it quits. It's now quite a mess as she is expecting payment for increased equity in the real estate though she did not pay for any of it. She retained all funds from the sale of her previous home.

So my point in all that is to consider what the contingency plan is if things don't work out. I guess no one wants to think that could happen but it does so worth considering. If it were me personally, I don't think I'd rush to sell my home. There's a lot to adjust to just living with another person (especially when you are older and accustomed to your own ways) and adding parents to the mix adds considerable complexity IMHO.

I agree with mtn that the OP is being very thoughtful and considering options. Relationships and living arrangements come in a lot of different flavors and OP is smart to learn more about her options.

I have experience purchasing a house with a partner with whom I was not married. We opted for a legal contract to define what it would mean financially if we were to split so that it would be fair to both of us. The contract remained valid after we married. It's certainly not insane to consider purchasing property without being married, but I do agree that contracts are a smart way to protect yourselves for any future eventuality.

I know several people who live in multi-generational situations. Most of these situations are due to divorce. As far as I can tell, it does seem to work well for them. For me, I only briefly had my father in law move in with us while he was considering divorce. He didn't stay long and ended up going back to his wife, so it wasn't quite the same. If I were in your shoes, I would probably want to try living all together in your partner's house first before committing to buying a single big house. Whenever I've lived with other people, it takes a little time to understand what that dynamic looks like and what does and does not work.

@l pinkmountain I'm so sorry about how you are being treated. That is just awful. No advice. Just sending you virutal {{{hugs}}}.

As I ponder why multi generational works so well in my family, I cannot overlook that part of the reason we are able to respect boundaries and know our place is that we are all from the exact same Northern Italian culture, which is pretty much nothing like what most Americans think of Italians as being. We are pretty formal, and quite cold compared to what Hollywood portrays. But regardless of the details, we have naturally strong self imposed limits to what we expect from one another. And since we are from the same culture, the day to day ways we behave mesh.

I could not have lived with any of my in laws, not under the same roof, probably not in a cottage on the property, aside from my father in law, who was a true gentleman.

Mojomom, your set up sounds so lovely. I could go on and on about the impact of multi generational on my boys, but I'll get mushy and teary about it. I could hire any help I needed, but having my mother next door and my grandmother in-house while the boys were growing up was beyond description.

Upheaval and fresh start for all!

My preference (after taking care of all the legal stuff and assuming the BF's parents are definitely part of the deal) would be to buy a new place with attached "inlaw" quarters. If not fully private inlaw quarters, a layout permitting some privacy.

Everyone should get a chance to pick out their favorite spot to read. You should not get what is left.

But do consult with BF's parents. Maybe they're looking for an excuse to run off on their own!

I love Fori's point about making sure everyone has a comfortable space for themselves with some privacy. That was one comment from a friend who had his daughter and his granddaughter move in with him after his daughter went through a divorce. They've lived together for a while now, probably 6+ years. He has recently retired and mentioned how nice it was to have everyone but him going away on a trip so he would have a little quiet/alone time. I think having some space for privacy and quiet can be really important.

Another family I know that is a multi-generational living situation has a parent who has moved in (with dementia) as well as a sister. So they have 4 people living together. I noticed that they've sort of divvied up the living spaces so that they can watch TV separately and entertain without interfering with one another. They all come together for meals though. So hopefully whatever setup you can have some separate living spaces (not just bedrooms).

We've had someone ( different people) living in our home with us for the last 10 years, and it's hard for me. I can't really remember how it was before, but my introvert soul struggles! The first was family and it was really wonderful - wouldn't trade it for the world for the benefit of my only child having the best family around. True relationships were built in ways that can't be built otherwise. We have plenty of space, but unless you're in your private bedroom - someone could always show up if you're sharing a kitchen, or a living space. And you don't want others to feel trapped in their room, and you certainly don't either. Now, I'm emphasizing again, that I am on the extreme of whatever introvert scale you can find, but it was always like I was on, never fully relaxed in my own home unless they were out of the house. My DH on the other hand, a huge extrovert, LOVED having people around. Nothing about people all up in his space bothers him. He thrives on it.

We have an unrelated young adult with us now due to an unfortunate family situation, and it's even harder. Did not anticipate the length they'd be here and have no real exit strategy.

We will definitely take my parents in if that becomes an issue, but otherwise I would love to have my house back. For me, it would be very hard to navigate a new romantic relationship with people around all the time. Parents in their 70's can live a long time - either healthy or unhealthy, independently or needing a lot of help. Lots of unknowns there. I would want to do it, but it would be a really hard sell for me, and not good for my relationship at the point you're at.

My advice is if you have any thought of moving in with them, rent your house out for a year or two while you are testing the waters. Not my personal experience but a good of friend mine wishes she had done that, instead of selling and buying in with her mom.

Due to my own different multigenerational situation I appreciate the discussion. My MIL’s home is up for sale and she is to move in with us once in escrow. This is happening to allow my MIL to continue to finance my FIL’s after stoke residential care. I am about 60% on board with the idea of her moving in, and 40% scared this is a huge mistake. I love my MIL and most of the time enjoy her company. Although some might describe her as a ”typical old lady” she is more. She is a retired executive who is still used to being in control and very much an extravert, I do not see her spending 90% of her time in her room. She understands that when it comes down to it, other than her suite of rooms, it is my house and things are going to be my way if we do not agree. That said, I want to make her feel welcome and am willing to compromise when possible. We did include an out, we have agreed that after giving it a few months if it does not work for any one of us, she will move to a senior apartment. Wish us luck.

My DH lived in a multigenrational home when he was in middle school and into high school. His paternal grandmother lived with him, his sisters and parents. I only know his perspective. He loved her - but ironically, there was no love lost between his grandmother and his mother.

One of my brothers lived with us early in our marriage a few summers after my parents divorced, and then for a year when he finished trade school. He became inconsiderate and irresponsible - we asked him to move out. It was very unpleasant.

I did not get along well with my in-laws and the dislike was mutual. DH wasn't particularly close to them, either, but had a sense of obligation. When they were close to retirement, we were starting to consider buying a vacation home and always had in the back of our minds that they might live in it part time so we made sure there was a first floor bedroom for them with a full private bath.

Ultimately, they only came here when we took our summer vacations - so that sucked for a long time. Instead, they would come north from Florida in the summertime and park their fifth wheel on our front lawn and live with us in our home while we both worked fulltime. I dreaded coming home at night. We never knew when they were coming or for how long.

We eventually made our second home our primary residence, but continued to work. My in-laws settled in Florida but as they got older they started making noises about missing New England and wanting to be closer to their kids (CT and MA). We bought a small one floor house about 1/2 mile from our place for them. I signed a second mortgage on our home to help them move here. Then, they changed their minds (with input from my sister-in-law) and decided to stay in Florida. We rented that place seasonally for a year. I did the weekend turnover cleanings and dealt with the vacation tenants. Then we finally sold it. I can't describe the stress and anger I had about that. It took years to let it go...

My dad came to live with us for a while because he was lonely. It worked for a while and then it really, really did not. It was very hard and difficult to get him to move out (We still didn't really succeed, but now he lives in one of our 3 houses that we only visit, not the one we live in full time). He was not very happy about not being able to continue to stay with us.

Really take the time to think about what you are getting into and if you will be happy living with his parents. Consider:

Will you eat every meal with them? What about if you are home and your husband is out, will you eat together? My dad showed up at every meal.

Who will decide what to eat and who will cook it?

Who pays for groceries and is responsible for grocery shopping and running to the store? Do you split stuff or do you each have your own milk in the fridge, etc.? What if they eat something you bought for yourself to enjoy (My dad was the worst at this, I would make cookies and he would just eat them and I'd go to get one and they'd be gone. And he thought I was ridiculous when I would get mad at this because they were the families cookies)

Where will you each spend your time on weekends and weekday evenings?

What if you and BF have a dinner party? Will the parents come? (My dad would get upset he wasn't invited to stuff)

Will they be texting you to find out where you are if you guys are out?

Will they expect to be included in vacations you two take?

Do you have the same standards of cleanliness? (My dad would throw out stuff I had left on the counter because he didn't like "clutter" there, some of which was IMPORTANT)

If you have a cleaning lady, who pays?

Who loads and unloads the dishwasher?

These are just a few of the issues that led to conflict.

@beaglesdoitbetter really summarized my issues- it’s not like having a house guest, or company for a visit. Those are all great questions to really think about.

You also need to know real estate laws in the state if you are or are not getting married. Do you have joint tenants with right of survival? This is what people here had to do for exmaple, unmarried people or gay couples prior to marriage. You may also likely need a prenup if you get married that your assets are separate.

There are builders that do multigenerational floor plans. Maybe look into this. Is there a possibility of an addition to the current space.

DH and I have talked about this because if we ever needed to move for whatever reason, MIL would pretty much need to come with us. We couldn’t just leave her. She will be 75 in December and as of now is very healthy and independent. \

Both our houses are smaller and even though hers is bigger than ours, it is not enough for two households.

If it were me....my opinion....I would rent out my house & move in with him and his parents. Just play it one day at a time. No pressure. No rush to meld everything. The newness of the living situation might change how one feels and how comfortable I was with the move in. I might change my mind and after a year...move out. I'd like to keep that option open.

I'm pretty sure I could never do this. Our privacy and alone time are priority. We have one parent left, my MIL. We have been fortunate that we have lived 30 minutes or less from both sets of parents and MIL is now just about 10 minutes or so from us. She is 84, in good health, has good mobility, etc. I would never be able to live with her and my husband says the same LOL. I grew up on acreage with my grandparents just up the road. It was great for me and my siblings. It wasn't so great for my parents, my mom especially. Even as close as they were, my grandmother had a tendency to interject her opinions, etc. I think sometimes it seemed as my grandparents knew everything going on in my parent's lives. Early on in our marriage my parents let us know they had plans in place should they need to leave their home. My MIL would probably like to think she could live with us, but that will never happen.

Give some thought to the fact that the independence one enjoys in their mid-70s can be gone in one fall or illness. Also, one partner can die, leaving the needs of the remaining spouse to you and your BF. I have seen too many cases where the care of an elderly parent falls to the female, regardless of blood relation. It is also different with in-laws in a longterm marriage, where affection for those in-laws built up over the years can be used to offset the disruption to your life. These are relative strangers to you. I would have him move in with you, leaving the parents in his house. Otherwise, I think I would also rent out my own home, move in with him, and see how it goes.

Beagles story abut the cookies reminds me of the show "Mare of Easttown" and the multi-gen family living together. Mare's mother kept a container of ice cream hidden in a bag of frozen vegetables at the bottom of the freezer that she'd enjoy when no one else was home.

This is one of those things which is so highly fact-specific, and also personality-dependent.

I'm another one who is highly introverted, and I need quiet alone time to recharge. There are times I can barely tolerate my spouse sharing my space...and that is half a joke and half not.

When I look at it, from my narrow world view of a massive introvert who likes peace and quiet - I see nothing but potential problems and almost no potential positives. Yet I also understand that other people may find this the most awesome arrangement since sliced bread.

Looking out for only your own interests in this, it seems to me the first best step would be for you to suggest he move into your home and let his parents stay in his home. No one gives up the ownership of what they already own and everyone tests the waters.

If it doesn't work out, he can move back to his place and you still have your place.

But assuming it does work out, it allows the 2 of you to become a cohabiting couple without his parents around - and then perhaps you can make longer term plans after that...?

It’s a tough decision. You are being very considerate to contemplate these options for your bf. I personally could not do it. I am too selfish. I really enjoy my private space. That being said, I would consider it for my own father, whom I am very close to. But I’m single. If I was married, that would be a different story. I couldnt do it to my spouse if he wasnt agreeable.

Early 70’s is really not that old anymore and I bet your in laws will be independent for many years, assuming they are healthy. I think an optimal solution would be if they could get a small house or apartment near you, or perhaps buy or rent one of the homes you two already own. You and your new husband could still have your privacy, but you could often include your in laws in plans, dinners, etc. This would also free you from any financial entanglements.

I've been thinking about this. My mom and her significant other were as close as two people could be but maintained seperate residences for almost 30 years. They were in their early 50's when they began their relationship and it really worked for them. They were together a great deal but each had their own homes when they wanted/needed them. Their loving relationship lasted until he passed away and there were no messy arrangements (home, etc) to deal with when that happened.

Your situation is a bit more complicated with his parents. Given that he really likes multi-generational living with his parents, I'm assuming that this is an arrangement he would like to continue. I would probably err on the side of leaving the living situations as they are and begin spending more time in each home together. Upside: you maintain your home and private space when needed as an individual or as a couple and he maintains his home he shares with his parents where he can spend time alone with them and you and he can spend time together with them as a family. I probably would not rent out my home and move in with his family. Too selfish, introverted, etc. I would consider having him move in with me and keeping his home for his parents. But then again, he likes multi-generational living.

You are so open and generous to even consider this and I applaud that and wish you the best of luck with your decisions. I guess my whole story about my mom was to reinforce the idea that significant, loving relationships are possible long-term without cohabitation. I think there is even a name for it "Living Apart Together". Now just to get my husband on board with this idea LOL!

I think success all depends on if you are all coming from similar backgrounds. Not to say people couldn't adapt, but it would be very hard.

Years back my wonderful in-laws started spending winters away from England and with us in sunny Florida. It always started out pleasant and enjoyable. As time went on it became unbearable. My father in-law came from an upper crust unbending, strict background and my mother in-law a strict upper tier military family. My husband loved them very much but was a bit of the rebel child and my background couldn't have been more opposite.

My early circumstances was that of one parent who was unavailable emotionally and one who was unavailable physically. I was really more of the parent to my younger siblings and started working at a young age. My husband and I bought our homes with no financial contributions but our own.We were both pretty much independant types although deep down my husband sought his parents approval.

Very slowly, creeping along... my in-laws would flip the dynamics into the we are the parents and you are the children. They gave their unsolicited advise on every little thing. I tied ignoring it but when I did they would make comments to my husband. It got to the point (and a strain in our marital harmony) that at the start of yet another visit I had to sit them down and explain the house rules. To his mother I said: there is only one female boss in this house and that's me. To both of them I warned that unsolicited advice would not be tolerated. Things became a little better. I can't say they didn't have moments though.

I do not regret the time we had with them but do wish I wouldn't have put up with so much for so long. My husband was little to no help so managing the strain was left completely up to me.

Whatever you decide, don't gradually...slowly, give up who you are.

I was really worried where this was going as I read. IMHO, your approach is the only answer... brava and bonne chance!

Be careful going forward… what his parents did here is not right. I say this as an objective outsider. They may have justified it in their minds, he may have allowed/facilitated it but you both need to be careful. They should live as financially independent as possible or you may come to resent it and rightly so.

I am so happy for you. This sounds like it was a wonderful dialogue and one to really continue to grow on. Brava.

When I read this...he wouldn't want to be in the middle, solving issues between his parents and me. I thought, RUN! Run Jaka, Run! However, as I continued on, it seems like you have a good handle on the situation. If the two of you are going to be a team, there is no middle. There can be no middle. There has to be boundaries and mutual respect on both teams.

Glad you are operating with eyes open and not stars in your eyes. There is still a long way to go as you navigate this and I'm relieved you seem to be putting yourself first, not comingling finances etc. just_terrilynn said what I was thinking about being a team. He has to see you as his primary teammate ahead of anything involving his parents. Not that he should kick them to the curb but they need to know his relationship with you comes first. They can be assisted as needed and appropriate based on his ability to do so, not on your joint ability to keep them in a lifestyle to which they have become accustomed.

Jackabedy I wish you the best of luck with this man you really seem to love. I just hope he can be a John Lennon to your Yoko Ono. 💐

Sounds like you two have come up with a good plan. Best of luck!

I missed this thread the first time around and have to say you were given some great advice! I very much appreciate the collective experience and wisdom here, and it sounds like you have a solid, smart plan for moving forward. As Dee said, "...the independence one enjoys in their mid-70s can be gone in one fall or illness." That is so true, and you may or may not be ready to roll up your sleeves and pitch in at this point in your relationship. We are suddenly going through that now in my family with my dad and it's not easy. I can't imagine being presented with a situation like that if I were newly cohabitating relationship. Then again they could have many more independent years ahead of them. You just never know. Good luck!

Jakabedy, you are to be HUGELY commended for your grace, patience and willingness to try to work out a very thorny family issue.

Unfortunately this compromise sounds like it will simply mean you have taken on the primary responsibility of your boyfriend's living situation so that he does not need to change a family dynamic that he's told you clearly he does not want to change.

This is YOUR business of course. However in order to move forward, I'd set a requirement not that he will share expenses, but that he will pay you a full 'rental' portion for the accommodation you are making: allowing him to support his parents living in his house with no end point in sight. A general plan that it will happen within a year is really no concrete plan at all till it's implemented, right?

Last but far from least the likelihood is about 99.99% that if this scenario does play out and he does attempt to move forward, his parents will be extremely resistant and they will cast you as the interloper in what was a happy home life.

Because for them, that is what it is and for him, it's what he planned on doing right up until you came along.

I wanted to add that he sounds like a great guy who wants to make it work, and you are, as we already knew, very wise and giving. I am happy for you!

I am so impressed with how you managed these challenging conversations and that you were able to work past topics your DBF did not want to discuss to really understand the situation fully. I truly hope that your plan works. As I mentioned originally, I think you are being so wise and thoughtful in how you proceed and it sounds like you are continuing to do that. I wish you the best! Thank you for coming back to keep us updated.

If he wanted to make it work he would have spoken to his parents long ago. My MIL was kind and lovely until I actually had the audacity to marry her son..

I love that you have a plan and are holding his feet to the fire to have the hard conversations he’d rather skip. I hope it works out well and that his parents put his happiness ahead of their desires. I would hope they’d think about him potentially being alone when they both have died, and know he’ll have you to live out his life with if they don’t blow it for him now.

I was holding my breath reading through it all.

My preference would be: smaller home for parents, preferably one they can totally afford on their own. Obviously close by to your home.

BF moves in with you but you split expenses. If this doesn't work, he can go back to living with his parents. So, the above mentioned home needs to have a designated room for BF.

My gut feeling: I wish I understood BF’s thinking. I can understand multi generational when there are children involved and both parents work. What a blessing to have grandparents on site to pick up the slack.

I can possibly understand a very elderly parent moving in although not optimal.

But, I don't understand a single man in his 40’s or 50’s with no plans for children, referring this lifestyle.

I find interesting too that marriage fell apart just before the move in date of parents.

You are so kind and caring to even consider living with them.

I am glad BF has agreed to move in with you. I hope his parents understand.

So much good advice, and I admire you, Jakabedy, for being receptive and communicative. As I read your update, I have a few misc points to make if I were in your situation:

1. Absolutely do not commingle finances, as you note. In addition, I would make sure both of us are contributing fairly and equitably to our life together. This needs to be spelled out clearly. I would not finance a lifestyle with someone else who couldn't contribute to it equitably. What he finances for his parents is on him (and them).

2. Keep communicating my questions and concerns to him, and you have done so in a thoughtful manner. It seems his head has been in the sand.

3. I would abandon the idea of a SBH, for so many reasons. It simply wouldn't be fair to me and this relationship.

4. If I am committing to this relationship for the long-term, I would need to know more details about his and his parents' plans for their long-term care.

5. Frankly, I'd have an exit plan in place. I think you are wise to keep your house in your name. But that doesn't mean he gets a free place to stay while supporting his parents' lifestyle.

It seems, IMO, that you're the only one considering concessions so far. Please keep that in mind.

First, I saw this and briefly opened it when first posted, but I didn't read a lot. I was too busy and overwhelmed with goings on here to delve into a lengthy or complicated thread. For some reason, I opened in again last night and scrolled down to see what was current and found your update.

My apologies for being blunt, but as I was reading, I fully expected you to say you were walking away from this relationship. I only know what I read and how I read it, but I get the impression this relationship means a lot more to you than to BF. It seems you are going to great lengths to find a way to make something happen while BF doesn't seem to be making much effort at all. I also have concerns about his relationship with his parents. It also concerns me that these parents are in their 70s but he hasn't thought about their future needs. It concerns me that he owns a home that he is allowing them to take over, he doesn't want you there too much, but he'll come move in with you. You have been diligent to get this far, and I urge you to continue to do your diligence. Consult an attorney about the hows, whys and concerns if you want to continue on this path. Be sure you know what is at stake if you have someone else living in your home -- if they help with expenses, if they don't, and even if they pay rent. Sharing a home can get complicated. This situation is already complicated.

Fyi, if memory serves, Jakabedy is an attorney.🙂

IDK, I think some of you are being too harsh on DBF here. He let himself get pushed around by his parents but he seems self-aware and open. I just don't understand the numbers ... i mean where can anyone live for $500 a month? Thailand? Does that even cover property taxes? How can he ever extricate from this? And now, when and if he does, Jakabedy is the unspoken villain.

I took that opportunity to say it seemed something of a fantasy to think some big new expensive house would magically coalesce us into a fully functioning family on moving day,

Very good point. I am glad you have decided against SBH. The SBH choice should be made only because you all really really want to live together, not because it would be fun to buy a big pretty new house. Do not go to any more open houses and get stars in your eyes! Big no.

I'm also sorry if I seem blunt. What it sounds like to me is DBH is back home living with his parents--and enjoying it--except it's actually his house. They have taken over the master bedroom and both master baths, two other bedrooms, most of the garage, and his mom presides in the kitchen. BF pays the bills and his parents pay a token amount. I can't imagine how a romantic relationship (plus two extra dogs) can survive, let alone flourish, in that setup. Do you like to cook? Wander through your own house scantily clad? Have friends over? Do projects that spread out?

Your relationship with BF might work if he moves in with you (with all the protections and caveats mentioned above by others) or together you get your own place sans mom and dad, but I would think long and hard about joining BF in what has become de facto his parents' house.

I haven't read through all the comments but i have picked up on some of the tone and concerns.

I think one of the biggest challenges for new relationships at an older age is figuring out the living situation-- whether you have parents involved or not. We get established in our ways, our decor preferences, our schedules, our approach to finances, etc. Maybe it is just me but while I'd say i am easier going now, I am much less interested in compromising (whether I admit it or not).

What very much impressed me, Jakebedy is how openly you and DBF communicated-- how patient and understanding you have been as DBF took time to consider and put words to what he was feeling. These are the tools of a strong couple!

I am not currently considering cohabitating with another-- but I did in the recent past and it fell apart. We weren't communicating on the "tough" stuff and the parts that should have been fun became less so because we'd skipped the tough stuff. I/we may consider again in the future but only if we are able to have the same kind of patient, respectful and open communication as Jakebedy has described.

I wish you both all the best in the future, Jakebedy!

Mtn, I am an atty and I would consult another attorney both for disinterested advice and for expertise. A wise attorney knows those are invaluable and cheap insurance. I also know that successful women are used to putting in extra effort, but that isn't always a good thing in relationships. I don't know the BF. All I know is what I heard in the update post, which struck me very differently than the original post. I just want Jakebedy to be happy, now and down the road.

I am an atty and I would consult another attorney both for disinterested advice and for expertise.

Well yes and we all know the old adage. But at this point I think Jakabedy is taking good care of herself.

I would want to understand the dynamics of how the parents took over so much of your BF's house. It screams entitlement. It would surely affect the relationships when you had to claim some of their space for yourself and your BF. If they were resistant to giving up any of their space, it would tell you all you need to know.

Let me add to those who have been so impressed with the healthy way you and DBF have been discussing this very difficult, loaded situation. Such a great start, and with those skills your relationship should always prosper. My comments are only related to the realities of loving/caring for/managing elderly parents.

I am in my early 60s, so I guess about 10 years older than you. I wish the me of 10 years ago was less naive about what the impact of parents moving from their mid 70s to mid 80s would make on my life.

My parents have always been strongly independent, very financially stable people. My maternal grandmother died young at 47 so I never knew her. However my maternal grandfather lived to 104 He lived with my bachelor uncle all his life until a fall forced him into assisted living at the age of 100. Had he not had the luxury of a bachelor son at home he probably would have been moved to AL much sooner. My paternal grandfather died in sleep at 74. We know now that is was likely from sleep apnea which had it been treated he would probably have lived much longer. My paternal grandmother died of lung cancer at 84. She was also a fiercely independent woman who aged very gracefully and accepted all the help she needed. Bottom line was that I never understood what caring for an aging elder was like, because I had never witnessed it in my family.

Fast forward to my parents. At 75 they were doing great. Moved between three homes--FL, MA, ME seasonally. Their MA home was a big antique colonial with lots of land in a very rural setting. Lots of upkeep and not at all a spot for aging in place. I spotted a great new 55+ community that was just being built and with the encouragement of my sibs they took the big step to sell the family home and move there. It seemed perfect--a great MB upstairs but a second large ensuite bedroom downstairs for when the couldn't manage the stairs. Unfortunately they refused to acknowledge when the time came to move downstairs. Eventually my father was moved down, but my mother never (even to this day) will acknowledge her own mobility/safety issues. Despite the finances to do so, my mother has also refused any in home services including a cleaning person, or aging at home advice. Tripping hazards everywhere. She fell one night on a rug and wasn't discovered until 24 hours later. Very bad hip injury but no break so she convinced the hospital staff (she's a BSN and this was during covid) that she was fine and was discharged. My sister and I spent the next month alternating overnights at their house. I was still working then (remotely). I was able to stay with them and work, but it wasn't easy because my mother is hard of hearing and refuses to wear the devices. So she didn't understand my need for privacy during remote sessions and repeatedly barged in. By the spring of that year my husband encouraged me to retire, especially since he had been given a lucrative package to do so. I did, but I wasn't really ready. Yet I could not have continued to work in any capacity and deal with the needs of my parents.

Fast forward again. It is 2022. Dad is now in a nursing home, Mom in an assisted living facility. I've been retired over two years but have never spent so much time caring for anyone, even my kids (when you factor in the distance I have to travel and other details). Despite my parents having more than enough money to subsidize their own living, I am constantly buying items that I know they need but they refuse to spend their money on. It's just much easier to buy them myself than have to explain to my 88 year old mother why she should.

So my final point is this. At your age I could never have imagined what a difference 10 years would make in my life. Don't assume your BFs parents have long, healthy, independent years ahead. Things can change in a minute. The amount of time (and finances) supporting elderly parents is something your BF needs to really consider. These are his parents, not yours. I've had two sets of in-laws, and I can't imagine doing for them what I am doing (with difficulty) for my own parents.

I wish you all the best. Just keep your eyes wide open.