Have you asked your dad WHY he says no granite and why he has a specific flooring choice?

When our daughter was going to be married 20 yrs ago (and still married) my husband gave her a budget to spend and said he would write her a check for what she didn’t use…
That was big incentive—and we did have bigger budget maybe than others (and less than many). They used part of the money to pay for hotel rooms for their wedding party because it was a destination wedding (both families were in different states and the groom lived in FL—so they had the wedding there on the beach)…it was a great wedding and the reception had the biggest bar tab the hotel has seen in years (which came with the rental). Plus most guests were staying at hotel so there was no DUI afterward…
My point is ask your dad how involved he is going to be with oversight during the process.

We also recently bought our daughter and SIL a new home and while my husband set the cap price he didn’t question her choices—she used quartz for her kitchen and granite for the bathrooms—because granite was builder standard/no up charge—and she could live with 1 of the options they offered. Same with flooring — they upgraded to LVP for all but ‘wet’ areas like bathrooms/laundry and used builder standard tile —a plain 17” square tile/dated in today’s design world but totally functional and went with the granite counters—vs upgrading to a level 3 or 4 more on trend tile and using more of her budget.
They are very appreciative of the gift and happy with how the house looks.

So for the OP I think it would be good idea to see how involved her dad is going to be with the remodel

Go to stone yards and see if some remnants will make you happier and fit your dad’s budget. He is being very generous, but also controlling.

You should shop current LVP stores. I can tell you that many moms are grateful for this product. It looks good and tolerates kids and pets well. You might find a wood shade that looks just like you’ve envisioned your floors to be.

I agree with the advice to take Dad shopping. Doing this together can promote compromise so you’re both happy. I’m sure you are grateful for his generosity but not as pleased with his taste restrictions. If you want him to to be open-minded, be open to other ideas as well. Corian can be pretty stunning.

Take a deep breath. Say “Thank you, and let’s go shopping” to Dad.

Corian costs more than many granites. I also understand that some people truly love Corian, but if you are a real stone person you are just a real stone person. It’s like being a dog person or a cat person.

I had granite in two homes and then when we moved into our current home it had white Corian countertops that were at least 20 years old. The resltor listed it as a selling point. I do not see the appeal and moving from real stone to Corian was a disappointment. Due to young children and other life circumstances it took seven years before we finally remodeled our kitchen and I was thrilled to go back to real stone countertops. If it is a pricepoint issue I think you could easily solve that with a visit to a stone yard particularly if you want granite. If this is something you feel strongly about I would either show him reasonably priced granite or just do cheap laminate and save up for granite in the future.

I've been following this thread with interest for the past couple of days. Here's my take. You can either tell your father "Thanks, but I'd rather wait to do this on my own." and then live with your "absolute wreck" of a kitchen (and memories of your ex) for the next 5 to 10 years while you save for a $50k - $100k remodel. Or you can say "Thanks, Dad, let's get to work!" and get a brand new, clean kitchen that isn't Houzz pretty but meets the immediate needs of your family.

Having been a single parent with limited income myself, I know which way I'd go. I know you've been through alot in recent years and desperately want one dream to come true in your life. I want that for you too. But I worry that one day you will look back and kick yourself for letting this opportunity slip by. Your father is offering you a huge financial gift - when was the last time anyone did that for you? Raising kids is expensive and there will be many demands on your income - orthodonture, tutors, activity fees, college, plus your own retirement savings. How does granite fit in on the priority list?

Whatever you decide to do, make sure you're being honest with yourself about WHY you're doing it. You have a lot to manage -- kids, a new career, a house that needs work. Don't let your emotions overule your good sense. Good luck -- I'm pulling for you.

I think this whole thing has gotten off into the weeds.

Step 1 - do some homework - go look at Corian, go look at stone, go look at LVP, go look at engineered wood, go look at real wood. Until you do that - there is no moving forward - no conversation to be had.

Step 2 - get your measurements together and find a kitchen designer. You don't have to buy custom cabinets to have a wonderful kitchen. Figure out a starting layout.

Step 3 - put together some preliminary pricing of ALL, yes ALL the options you are looking at . Then have a conversation with your dad.

Good luck!

My parents had really nice corian counters. I have marble. My son had granite. All nice. I'd ask Dad what his issue is (price or something else, like his opinion on the durability of materials) and then look at the options. If it's price, you might be able to find some bargains. I have a friend who has some form of linoleum counters, but they are in a lovely pattern of subtle mints and blues and with the paint, it all looks so great. You may have more color choices with Corian and if you're doing this to please yourself, something other than the generic white kitchen might be stunning. I like Corian Laguan Terrazzo, which is white with Blue specks. With blue lower cabs, and a blue backsplash, it could be stunning.

You might try living with your existing floors until you can afford hardwood.

I lived with Corian in our primary bath former house for 25 years and never tired of it! The tub surround was marble and the two managed to exist together in the most charming way....

Can Dad go look at final contenders for counters? He may just find Corian is not the cost saving measure he's anticipating.

I'd live with the LVP. That would not be a deal breaker.

You've done so much to improve your life and that of your family already, might be time to accept a little help. There is no such thing as the perfect house! But you could come quite close with him picking up the tab and put so much unpleasantness behind you if I'm reading this correctly. Dad may have a bit of a stubborn streak. Please don't let your own get in the way of your joy or in way of his with his offer to help you.....

@Mally Lee

This was a lot to take in - you ok?

We may seem harsh and pushy sometimes, but we are truly trying to help!

I'm so glad you've been able to keep your home and chuck the ex out of it. I'm making a big leap here, but after working for years with domestic abuse survivors, I wonder if some of your hesitancy about accepting your dad's gift with his restrictions isn't a reminder of an ex who controlled you (or tried to). Your dad is wielding power and exerting control that he doesn't need to; that's a bit discouraging and worrisome. He has a budget in mind; there is no reason for him to be involved in the choices. You should be able to take the gift and allocate the money to fix YOUR home as YOU want it. If you buy and assemble Ikea cabinets (which are quite nice) so you can have more $ for the floors and counters you want, he shouldn't care.

If you want to wait until your house is paid off and you'll free up your own money for repairs, I'd look at some temporary solutions. Do you have a Habitat for Humanity ReStore in your area? They often have nice cabinets that someone has removed because the don't like the color or they're enlarging their kitchens. Same with FB Marketplace and Craigslist. People sometimes are even giving away decent cabinets that could serve you until you can get what you want. Or maybe get dad to buy new cabinets and you can fashion temporary counters and floors for a few years. There are a zillion hacks about both on the internet. Painted floors work just fine. Ikea butcherblock is very affordable, even if installed in your main work areas. Other materials for the rest. People pour their own concrete counters. Will it be your dream kitchen? No. Will the mess your ex made be gone? Yes!

I encourage you to stand up for what you want and figure out how to get it, with or without your dad. If you allow him to control this, it's a recipe for disappointment for you and resentment of him. I hope it works out well for you.

I'm in the camp of doing your research. Look at every brand of LVP and every possible choice of Corian.

My husband wanted hardwood for our Florida home. I knew this wouldn't be a good idea.I was happy that our moisture tests came back high. He is now a convert. Yes, hardwood is beautiful and I have it in my primary home, but I really like the LVP in Florida as well.

Corian has come a long way. I have corian in two of my bathrooms for over 15 years. I really like them. Mine are just solid colors.

So, go shopping first. Then shop with your dad. If you really live a specific granite he might just cave.

I'm curious as to why he doesn't want hardwood flooring.

I hope the OP comes back and doesn't withdraw and fall by the wayside like so many posters who come here and get bullied by some who think they are the be all and end all on these boards. Another one bites the dust?

I’ve had almost every type of counter, and my Corian countertops have surprisingly been my favorite. I didn’t know it at the time! I only lived in that house for a few years, but they were aesthetically pleasing and soooo easy to take care of! They always looked great. The previous owner had renovated the house and installed them in the kitchen and bathrooms. They held up so well. Never an issue.

Many high-end multi-million dollar homes have white corian counters. it will be beautiful!!!

I would imagine the dad thinks that hardwood in a kitchen is just an accident away from needing replacement. Having the ice maker leak in a fridge or the dishwasher especially if there is no one home to spot it early on could be really big $ problem…I wouldn’t want hardwood in a kitchen because of that.
We have LVP in our new house in kitchen/living area but tile in “wet” baths and laundry—I think the kitchen is just as “wet” as either of those but practicality is sacrificed to aesthetics
And I don’t think any LVP is truly “waterproof” as mine is advertised—only tile or a good quality sheet vinyl hold up to a significant leak w/o sustaining damage

Thanks everyone for your input. It's been really frustrating because my dad wouldn't give me a budget or tell me exactly what I can remodel. He specifically said "The kitchen and all the other stuff that needs to be repaired". Every time I asked him to be specific about costs or repairs he'd say "Just get some estimates and we'll go from there". Then weeks later he stated, "Oh, by the way- no granite and floors need to be LVP". Which brought me to this post originally. Well, the latest is that I got 3 quotes and presented them to him, and he was outraged. They ranged from $80,000-$95,000 for full kitchen, full guest bathroom, floors throughout, several doors replaced, fix the wood burning stove that ex removed only partially, didn't seal off from outside, and then drywalled a giant square patch on the ceiling around it- I'm telling you, it's bizarre...). I think this seems reasonable for that amount of work? I explained to him that we can go through line by line and decide on what he wants to repair and what I can maybe do myself, or with his help. He wouldn't even look at the price breakdown- just the totals. He completely shut down and said I need to go to "one of those Chinese cabinet stores" (please excuse the racist undertone- I know he doesn't mean it in that way).

I'm kind of over it. To this day, he complains about how my mom spent too much money on their kitchen and bathroom remodels, and I have a feeling he'll do the same for me, even if I'm very frugal about it. He means well, but it is what it is.

Probably better to wait it out and get exactly what I want.

But thanks again.

General rule for giving or receiving money from relatives: no strings attached, or no thanks. Anything else is a recipe for conflict. Good decision to wait it out and do you.

Oh I'm so sorry Mally Lee. Your estimate sounds beyond reasonable (we recently did a kitchen and bath remodel). I think the issue may be deeper than materials and agree with you about waiting to get what you want. I'm also sorry that your ex put you in this house situation but am glad that you and your kids are safe. Thinking about you and hoping you can make some updates soon.

Mally Lee - thanks for the update. First of all, kudos to you for extricating yourself from a difficult situation while beginning to improve your life going forward. I’m sure your Dad means well. His reaction to the bids you got makes me think he has a hard time reconciling current costs with what he believes they should be, never mind those days have passed us all by. I consider myself fairly astute but catch myself thinking “well this used to cost X dollars, how can it be so much more now?” before realizing yes, things do cost more these days. Those estimates sound reasonable to me, given the scope of work involved.

I think you are wise to take a step back and do what you can, when you can. Those invisible “strings” between a parent and child over a gift can cause more problems than it’s worth. Your relationship with your Dad is more valuable over the long haul than dollars and cents. You appear to have a good head on your shoulders and I wish you luck in this next phase of your life.

I think your estimate is reasonable. I don’t know where you live (and prices are very different all over the US) but I spent $11,000 on redoing a powder room this past spring. Your list is way longer, with a lot more materials and labor, so for all of that work it IS reasonable.

Take a few days to consider how you want to manage this. Your relationship with your dad is the priority. His generosity has strings, which creates challenges. Your house DOES need work, so figure out how you can have a new conversation with your dad about his offer of monetary help and how you also need to feel like this house is “yours”. If you have this talk with real appreciation for your dad (who probably is protective of you and wants you to live in a nice house) but helping him to understand your need to have your own choices, maybe there will be a good ending.

" He wouldn't even look at the price breakdown- just the totals. He completely shut down and said I need to go to "one of those Chinese cabinet stores" (please excuse the racist undertone- I know he doesn't mean it in that way).

I'm kind of over it. To this day, he complains about how my mom spent too much money on their kitchen and bathroom remodels, and I have a feeling he'll do the same for me, even if I'm very frugal about it. He means well, but it is what it is. "

I'm baffled!

It's one thing to encourage not overspending the value in a neighborhood, or to say "I'll contribute this _____$ and you make it work......."

But this is different.

You have to wonder, no matter he hated "over spending" even his own home, what is the real issue? It feels to an outsider like anger? At what? You did your research; due diligence. You got the estimate which in California seems reasonable and not at all out of line. You're his daughter, and the kids are his grand kids. One would believe he wouldn't have made the offer at all, if he didn't want to see you living in better REPAIR, even if that was the only motive!

Harumph! It feels quite like a Lucy and the Football cartoon...but nowhere as humorous. Is it possible he is just extremely angry at your ex for wrecking the house, and you are left as the very unintended target of his annoyance? Perhaps, (like virtually every dad), he wanted his daughter loved and well provided for and he just can't accept what happened to his daughter OR the house?

I've certainly no clue, but it appears at this point, a "gift" trailing literal BALLS of attached strings, and it may have nothing at all to do with you, or even the selections of materials. You've cut him major slack as to his well meaning intentions, you were "grateful " to the max.

I'd set it aside for a bit. Do whatever is most seriously in disrepair, either by yourself or do just what you CAN pay for. If it comes up again?

Maybe just say......"I'm really confused, Dad. I am unclear what you want from me. I got estimates, you didn't want to see a breakdown, and at this point I don't want to stress either of us."

Beyond something like that....."baffling" describes it. Good luck.

1 IMO your dad made an offer he later (obviously) regretted.
No idea why

2 IS your dad financially able to help? Was this initial offer ever viable? Does he have resources to layout even 50k w/o hurting himself?
Some people would and some would not—even if they might act/talk like they could…

3. Do you have siblings that might resent his helping you and not them?

In your first post, you said that your father said that he would pay to remodel your kitchen. Yet later when you gave him an estimate, you tacked on everything else that is wrong with your house--and it sounds like most of that is because of your ex.

So to me, it sounds like you increased what you would like him to pay for, which might have upset him. Having a list of all the things that your ex did to ruin the house might have also upset him--particularly if your father didn't approve of your marriage choice and that list is just a reminder.

You also said that you have the "go big or go home" mindset. With you as a divorced mother with a mentally unstable ex, he might be thinking that you have more important expenses looming on the horizon than a kitchen remodel that he apparently believes is too extravagant. He might also think that pouring too much money into a home in your neighborhood or price point is not wise. There is such a thing as over-improving a house.

Fix the weirdness for the sake of your children and yourself. Any changes are going to be 27 times better. Worry about things speaking to you later when you and your children's financial future are more secure.

You talk about having some of your own money to fix things. Well, have you thought about what happens if the furnace, stove, refrigerator, or hot water heater breaks? What about the roof or your car? You need to have money set aside for those sort of things because they don't last forever and too many people forget that. He may not want to be the bank of dad forever.

WOW... I have read all the posts. A lot to take in, so much to unpack, Great advice mixed with some quirky and your strength comes out in your story. @Mally Lee You are a strong young woman who has endured a lot and determined to make a better place for her kids. I admire that!

Your father loves you very much. And he is probably very proud that you have made some changes to make yourself stronger, and take care of yourself. It is such a sweet gift that he wants to help you make your space something that makes you smile. My own husband has this notion that things (kitchen counters, floors, ceilings painting, dry wall fixtures, tile, appliances, floors... ) are all much cheaper than they really are. In fact he often calculates the cost of a reno and is often thousands and thousands of dollars off. Maybe your father is thinking all this will all be much cheaper. I have a husband like this who thinks and even says.. "Oh we can renovate the bathroom for what $20,000." I have to laugh as this would be to move walls, new floors, new cabinets, sinks, electrical, fixtures, new windows, tile,....And he wants marble. Sweet but clueless.

Maybe your dad thinks all this would be cheaper than it really is, maybe your dad is thinking he can do this himself or find workers to fix, repair, reno at far less than what it would cost. I get that.

My big question is what does your mother think of all of this?

My advice falls into your last statement. Probably better to wait it out and get exactly what I want.

Yes, I think you already know what is best. You already know that this generous gift comes with a bit of control over the outcome. I am not sure how old your children are but perhaps your father could "Gift" to their college fund or a gift set aside for a wonderful family vacation for everyone. Maybe this gift is best used for something that will provide memories. Things like counters, floors, fixtures... fade, change, get dated, wear out but memories last as long forever. And you have had some hard times in the past so creating some good beautiful memories might be a great way to spend this gift. Making new meaningful memories that make you forget about the floors, old cabinets, and countertops that don't make you smile. You have worked hard to get your life in order and you do deserve a smile.

In your first post, you said that your father said that he would pay to remodel your kitchen. Yet later when you gave him an estimate, you tacked on everything else that is wrong with your house--and it sounds like most of that is because of your ex.

The kitchen was the only thing he was specific about. He did say "everything else that needs repairs", which is vague.

You are right about looming expenses. I'm at the point where I've built a small savings, but life is unpredictable. My son just broke his arm and I'm waiting to see what pitiful amount my insurance will cover. And there will be more.

My house is weird, but I know how blessed I am to have it and I can live with it.

Thank you.

Good for you, Mally! You’ve received some helpful, though varied, responses here. Maybe time to just move on. So sorry about your son. Fortunately, broken bones will mend. Best to you and your family.

My big question is what does your mother think of all of this?

That is a big question. My mom was a stay-at-home mom until I was 12, and my dad controlled the money because "I'm the one who works". Well, my mom became a nurse... and he still controlled the money! She has always had to ask him for money for any big purchases, even though she has her own income. It's something that annoys her, but she accepts it. So I have a feeling she wasn't too pleased about his offer, because there are things she wants that he has said "no" to.

I'm told he's a multi-millionaire, but I never would have guessed it, due to his frugality. Growing up, our clothes were always clearance, and my parents drove Honda station wagons. He's incredibly generous with family members- he bought my cousin a car and paid for her schooling after her mom committed suicide. And I just learned that he paid for my other cousin's piano lessons for several years.

He's an anomaly- the most wonderful man I've ever known. But flawed, as all humans are.

I'm sorry, but you are a grown woman and your dad saw that you were unhappy. He let you know right off the bat that he wasn't doing hardwood flooring and granite countertops. That meant - keep things in a mid level price range and don't go overboard. He was trying to give you a leg up - not buy the horse!

You said your home is worth about $300-$350k.

Sinking $100k into the house will make it worth what? It is still going to have the same square footage and be in the same neighborhood.

You are going to earn $90k as a registered nurse (national average) and I think you said you have a couple of kids. With today's prices there won't be a lot left over. You still have to think about the cost of college for your kids and your own retirement savings.

Will you need a new car in the next 5 years? When are you going to need a new roof? $90k just doesn't go all that far.

I think your dad recognizes that you are going to continue to struggle and it may take decades for you to be able to afford a new kitchen. He wanted to do something nice, give you something reasonable, not fancy, not over the top, but decent.

You should have priced an Ikea kitchen with LVT floors and looked around for the things that were/are safety hazards and have to be fixed.

You don't need to get your dream kitchen, your dream guest bath - you need a home that functions.

Lots of ways to look at it.......

Just one thing. It might get more accurate assessment if the op posted pictures, no matter how bad she believes it to be. We're not going to judge her, the wreckage of a spouse thankfully gone. - it would simply let us see what the dad sees. Possibly... to better understand his reticence .

Oh dear! That would not have been the response I would have expected him to have.

You know him the best - what do you feel like your next step should be? Is it worth it to just get a price for the most important items needing repair and presenting him with a project that is $30K instead? And then just save as much as you can over time to do the kitchen of your dreams.

Or just price out the kitchen with decent cabinets and inexpensive flooring/counters that can be changed later. Then save for the bath and other items that need fixing.

Is he handy? Maybe you ask him to come help you with some of the simpler repairs - changing the doors, patching the ceiling, getting rid of the wood burning stove. Then see what he says.

The estimates you got are right on track for what you are doing.

I hope you both can come to an understanding. A gift should never have strings.

Best of luck to you - have faith - you got this!

Jennifer, your tone comes across as if you're scolding this grown woman. We don't know that she didn't get an estimate for LVP etc. Above, she says that her dad asked to get estimates for the kitchen and anything else that needs to be fixed. Holes in walls and doors seem like something that she'd want fixed. It's reasonable that someone would start out with an estimate for everything and then whittle down and prioritize until they get down to what they can afford. But the dad is throwing a fit and won't look at the estimate with her. Yes, perhaps she could do that on her own, but this whole thing appears to have been difficult from the start. And most people I know don't get better behaved while in the middle of an expensive home project.

Probably better to wait it out and get exactly what I want.

Personally, I would fix what needs to be fixed now even if they are not exactly what I want. Expensive finishes can wait. Broken doors, holey walls would be my priority. Kitchen would be next - as others mentioned, Corian is actually a quality material. If you want to minimize cost further, even laminates now actually look good. Imported Chinese cabinets may be better than what you have now but look for alternatives in the same price ballpark. As for floor, nothing wrong with vinyl if hardwood is out of the budget. If bathrooms work fine, I would not do anything at this time.

Now you have a baseline - $80K is a no-go but you don't know how much lower your father is willing to give you. In an ideal world, he would just tell you that he has $xx to give you but it doesn't look like you will get that info from him. Get your kitchen priced (plus other necessary repairs) with the least costly finishes and tell your father this amount. If the new amount is still a no-go with your dad, that is when I would wait for the new kitchen. I would still ask him to pay for the other necessary repairs though.

stiley,

I don't understand why others are encouraging her to get what she wants instead of being gracious and accepting what he has offered.

I would love to hear dad's side of this story.

I wonder how often he has helped her in the past.

I wonder how many times he tried to get her to make better decisions, maybe not to get married so young, or wait to get married until she finished her education or wait to have kids until she finished her education.

I sounds to me like she feels he could finance her dream kitchen and is disappointed and maybe even a bit resentful that he won't do more.

I am betting that he expected her to try to get more than he thought was reasonable. He told her straight out - I am not paying for high end finishes. I am not paying for hard wood floors or granite countertops. I want you to have a decent, functional kitchen and I am willing to help you get that, but don't ask for more than that.

So what did she do, she came back with not only the kitchen, but the kitchen, bathroom and a bunch of other stuff, still trying to get more than his original offer for a functional kitchen.

If you invited me to a dinner and told me that you are serving hamburgers, hot dogs, corn on the cob and French fries how would you react if I told you I really would prefer steak?

How would you feel if after you told me the menu was set, I invited myself to spend the weekend and not just come for dinner?

As the saying goes…. “Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth”, in other words be thankful for the gift ( even if you secretly wanted something better ) & don’t take something given to you for free for granted. Or, in the alternative, just decline the offer, that’s always an option .

Jennifer-

You have made an awful lot of assumptions. The estimates were for Corian and LVP, which is what he said for me to do.

This is just a reminder to keep my personal life to myself. Those who don't know, don't know. I didn't know how else to explain the weirdness, but I don't have to explain myself, anyway.

I don't see it that way Jennifer. She wants to choose what materials go in her home. Her dad is saying "My way or the highway." If he would tell her an amount, she could decide what concessions to make. What I read is that she only wants to be able to make her own decisions, not that she expects him to fund her dream kitchen. You're right that we're only hearing one side of the story. If she accepts his offer, she makes compromises. If she doesn't accept the offer, she makes compromises. My point has been that I think she would feel better making the decisions about those compromises on her own, even if it takes longer to save. Maybe that's me being stubborn, but I wouldn't want someone telling me what to do. Only she can decide if it's worth it.

@stiley - yes, she is free to make her own decisions, to accept the help or not accept help or frustrate her dad into rescinding his offer for help.

What she cannot do is dictate how her father is willing to spend his money.

He is not under any obligation to give his daughter money to spend on things he sees as frivolous.

If you offered to pay for a graduation party for your kid who was graduating from college do you just give them a budget and let them spend the money anyway they want? What if they want to spend 85% on booze and drugs? What if he would rather fly to Vegas with his girlfriend and get married instead of throwing a party? No limits or reasonable limits?

My parents never just handed us money to do whatever we wanted. They saw a need and may help us fulfill that need, but it wasn't a free for all. If they said, you need a new sofa, here's a check they would have been pissed if I spent it on 10 pairs of shoes or if I bought a sofa that was 1/2 the price that they gave me, spent the rest on clothes and it fell apart in a couple of years.

There’s a difference between a parent giving a child money and a parent giving an adult money. She’s not trying to tell her dad how to spend his money, she just wants some say in what goes into her house. She has indicated that he won’t even consider anything other than what he has in his head. From the information we’ve been given, he’s not trying to kindly guide her into smart decisions, he’s controlling. You and I just see this differently.

No one is going to resolve the banker’s requirements. I would be grateful, honor the two stipulations and enjoy it!

Excellent response, Mally!

I have the feeling,because you are spending so much time on this subject with us, it means you are just not comfortable with what's going on because you are intuitive. I hear you. Why not take a time out and tell Dad his offer is so generous, but you haven't made up your mind on the design direction you want to take. Then give it some time. Dad may (or may not) rethink his offer (and how he presented it to you).

Either way, take a breather. Your first comment says you have hated the house...have you considered selling and starting again?

My personal opinion is a gift is not a gift when there are stipulations.

Hi Mally,

I just read through this thread and you sound like such an amazing, intelligent, strong, reasonable, humble, grateful, loving, and funny human being!

Surviving an abusive relationship, an Aunt taking her life, becoming an RN, all while being a single mom…. I just wanted to say, YOU ROCK!

I am sure you and your Dad will work out the financial details and you will soon have a nice clean home. Your Dad obviously loves you, wants to help you have a fresh start, and you obviously love and appreciate him. I wish you all the best in life!

And, I just want to add, for someone to insinuate that you are some ungrateful spoiled brat who is trying to take advantage of her father’s generousity is absolutely disgusting.

"To this day, he complains about how my mom spent too much money on their kitchen and bathroom remodels, and I have a feeling he'll do the same for me, even if I'm very frugal about it. He means well, but it is what it is."

So you know that this isn't about floors or counters. You are going into it with your eyes wide open. Only you can decide whether it is worth the cost.

Hi Mally, the fact that you are still responding to this thread shows you have real patience and stamina!

What I'm hearing is you got estimates for the work based on your understanding of his offer, but he feels the price is too high to even discuss it. I wonder if a different approach would work. I often find that phrasing discussions as an ask for help makes it easier for some people to respond and open up. One possibility - explain that you understand the price is too high, but need help changing the approach to meet his understanding of the offer. Do you think something like that might get him to open up and let you into his thought process?

Well if you do go and spend the $90,000 on booze at least invite us over to indulge too. Lol

Both you and your father sound like great people.

Coming out of the depression, there were a lot of people who lived not sure where the next meal was coming from and lived modestly and frugally because of it. I imagine that your father is too young to be a depression era baby, but perhaps shares some of those values. He may also be a millionaire because he did keep a close eye on spending. Way too many people live for today and live paycheck to paycheck.

Men generally don't flip through the House Beautiful (or whatever home magazine) when they are getting their hair done. They don't talk about kitchens with their girlfriends. To them, a kitchen is like a utility room. As long as it functions, what is the big deal about how it looks. In your father's youth I would imagine most kitchens that he ventured into were basic. He probably has the same view of kitchens as you might have of a tool workshop room or garage. My husband's view is, if it works, why would you replace it?, for example.

I really like what HU above said. It might just be the apples/ oranges, guy/gal approach to home decor, so nothing weird at all, but not going to be an ideal remodeling partnership in terms of fluid back & forth over all the details & choices in any remodeling project. Plus the family dynamic is just different in father/ adult daughter vs husband/ wife, where a couple might have major utilitarian vs. aesthetic differences but are motivated to make compromises & tradeoffs ( “I get some of my kitchen goodies & we’ll hold off on x, y, or z” or , I’ll get lower-tier cabinets & you’ll get your TV, or whatever, when 2 people are invested in the outcome.

The comments about his wife/her mother overspending are telling
Bad memories and his feeling taken advantage of in some way
Dont know if OP and her dad can reach decision both are comfortable with
Hope they can
The OP has struggled in strong tide and deserves some positive hapenings

I am sorry but after reading your comments on how he treats your mother’s money and how she might not even be ok with him giving you a kitchen with money that is half hers because he has prevented her from spending her own money on things she has wanted I would quickly decline this offer( this is not a generous gift but rather a way of fiscally controlling you or perhaps punishing your mom).

You just left a toxic and controlling relationship do not enter a new one. You are a strong, smart and now independent woman. It is not worth trading these assets for a new kitchen. Wait and save and pay and choose your very own kitchen. It will be so much more meaningful if you wait until you can pay for it. Fiscal control is legally considered a form of domestic abuse.

I hope the armchair psychologists don't make OP's life harder than it is.

Now that you did price out what he asked, do you think you can talk to him about a target? Ask if you need to cut that number in half - maybe that will work?

Then get as much done as you can and you will have to tackle the rest.

Good luck!