Full sun, flat ground, in mushroom compost. Water when needed. Trelliis is best. Good luck.

I find this post rather baffling because cukes have alway been one of the easiest veggies for me to grow. I have planted in both the ground and containers, and have had great success w. both, but I much prefer containers to the ground. But in any event, here is what you wanted; step-by-step instructions:
Get a 5 gallon paint bucket from Home Depot, Lowes, or the like
Using a 1/4" bit, drill at least 10-15 holes in the bottom of the bucket for drainage
Fill the bucket w. a mixture of 90% potting soil (I like miracle-gro), 10% composted cow manure. Mix them well!!!!!!!!!!!
Water until it drips out the drainage holes
Using your hand or a small trowel, dig a hole to the depth of at least twice the diameter of the rootball of the plant
Place the rootball in the center, and backfill the hole
Water again, but this time, not too much
Stand back and watch the magic unfold over the next 3-4 months :-D

If you're going to plant in the ground, you've prolly seen literature telling you to plant them in hills, which is just a fancy way of saying "circle". In a 12" diameter area that you have "fluffed" up, place three to four seeds around the edge of the circle, cover lightly, and water

The third method is to use a flower/window box, and the instructions will be the same for the paint bucket, although, obviously, you wont need as many holes, and you can also place more in a box.

This having been said, check out the link at the bottom of my post. Since I got the hang of them last year, I swear by Earthboxes.

I have pictures at home of my cucumber chronology from last year. I'll post them tonight

Here is a link that might be useful: Earthbox Gardening System

For pete's sake bomber use black ink. Green is the wporst color. It's hard on the eyes and blends into the white.

I plant Armeanian cukes, they are never bitter, the seeds are so tiny, easy to grow and kinda sweet tasting. :)

"some of them turn into little ball shaped monstrosities"

That is almost certainly a watering issue. In warmer weather, they will benefit from more consistent moisture.

I agree with Bill that it could be inconsistent watering that is causing small misshapen fruits. The other possibility is poor pollination. Cukes are usually pretty easy to grow, but since you're having problems, please consider the following:

1) Like most veggies, cucumbers do well when grown under mulch. Straw, hay, grass clippings, shredded leaves and compost all work well. Mulch really helps regulate soil moisture, which will be a big benefit if a watering issue is indeed your problem.

2) How do you manage your soil? With compost and mulch, or with chemicals? If you're using chemical fertilizers and pesticides, then you should consider switching to more natural methods ASAP. If you don't have access to compost, then visit a local garden shop and ask to have some delivered. A cubic yard of compost will set you back $25 bucks plus shipping, but it will go a long way!

3) What's your gut feeling on the number of pollinators that may be visiting you? Very general rule of thumb - if you live out in the relatively undisturbed rural country, then pollinators are not usually a problem. If you live in the city however, or in the suburbs where all your neighbors spray every insect within miles into oblivion, then pollination may be a serious issue for you. Try planting a few borage seeds adjacent to your cucumber patch. Borage attracts lots of pollinators, and encourages good growth in cucumbers. Other beneficial-insect-attracting flowers such as dill, cosmos, mint, coriander will help attract pollinators too.

-Diggity

Here is a link that might be useful: Garden Imperative

I have cucumbers growing like crazy in an Earth Box. How do I know when my cucumbers are ready to pick?

I am using a 5 gal styrofoam cooler purchased from walmart and a homemade string trellis. I am using a special blend of dirts and stuff that I cannot share the recipe for. I water when my water meter says its kinda dry. I only give it 2 quarts of water when I do and I check twice a day but so far it only requires water once every two days.
A cucumber is ripe when it has outgrown its bumps and is the size approximately shown on package of seeds. for me its hit or miss, the first one was slightly under ripe and the rest have been fantastic, 5 so far. It grows in full sun and you have to watch out for leaf mold! neem oil seems to control it best however I have some luck with copper stuff sprayed on leaves once a week before the mold appears.
{{gwi:8813}}
cucumber is a sprawling vine that will grow like crazy!!! Similar to squashes in what it likes, give it nitrogen and water!

I am growing straight 8s. Very healthy and prolific (in ground). They are just growing like balls or so huge around. I try to pick them early, but still not right!