We are building a house. The site prep alone was 60k (all utilities, excavation, tree removal, rock, permits etc) and that’s not including all of the work my husband did who has free access to machines, excavation and logging experience. Ended up going bigger on the house too (upgrades), there’s always something you want to switch. Just keep this in mind if you choose that route. Oh, and unforeseen costs that will inevitably come up.

Buy. If you think your budget would be tight now you will be in over your head with costs that you haven't accounted for. The only reason we are building is because we lost our house in a fire and insurance is covering it. I wouldn't choose to build again unless we had awesome property and money wasn't an issue.

I'd buy. It's cheaper, it gives you time to build up your finances, and the land isn't going anywhere. Better to defer your dream for a few years than end up with a financial nightmare.

Something to keep in mind is that if you have a custom plan drawn by an architect, they could design it in such a way that it allows an expansion to be added easily down the road, and could even draw out the expansion now, as part of the future plan. Some other thoughts...

1) You could buy the lot and put a couple of tiny houses on it in the short term. One house for the adults, and another for the kids, if they are old enough. The tiny houses could then be moved/sold after you build.

2) Do your parents live on this land? Will they be helping with the childcare? That has some monetary value savings associated with it, and may help your budget.

3) You could buy the land and put a mobile home on it short term, until you build.

4) You could buy the land, sell it for a profit, and use the profit to buy a better/bigger house elsewhere.

You are not saving 50k by dropping 300 or 400 sq ft as all you plumbing, electric, hvac are all still there your are only eliminating essentially what is open sq ftg. ALl of this goes to show why you should not use the sq ft method to prices houses, period. Even if by some miracle you were able to scrape 50K off your price. You are still at the absolute max ceiling of your 350K budget, and trust something WILL cost more. You really need a 15-20% contingency fund for the overages and or changes.

I agree with everything kudzu wrote and have had similar experiences. It's easy to lose your head and lead with your heart in these situations but you mentioned some wise thinking. You don't want to build 'just to build' - trust me, it's not that much fun even in retrospect and we went into this with MUCH more experience and skill than you have and adult children who actually helped. You admit you have little skill and with little ones your time is already fractured. Your day to day struggles in what feels like a too small house with kids and dogs are driving your build dreams at this point and I get it, lived through it, too. I don't know where you're located but if there are areas of housing in school districts you like with stable neighborhoods, look at houses with an eye to not only getting a larger home but keeping the level of stress in your life more manageable. It's one thing to buy a house and want to paint, change carpet or flooring, get new window treatments - even if there are some larger things like new roof or new HVAC needed - it's NOTHING compared to the non-stop decisions you have to make with a new build and much of them can be done over time in an existing house. Everything with a new build is pretty much immediate - decide by tomorrow. Think long and hard about what you want your life to look like, what's really important to you and not just in the walls of a house but in all the things that make up life and family. Best of luck with your decision - keep us posted.

We are building a 2000 sq ft one level and it will be about 400k by the time we are done. Can you buy something else and maybe down the road build on that land when you have more money to build what you want? You really do not want to cut corners and build something you are not happy with!

Is the land an in-town lot or an acreage lot? Reading this, I assume it is an acreage parcel that is being broken off from family land...so I will comment on that.

We had a home on 6.5 acres we bought and owned for 6 years. We were able to get more land without a house 5 years ago. Sold our acreage, moved to that town, and for a variety of reasons, weren't ready to build for 3 years. I've spent the last 2 years working on floorplans! My husband doesn't want to ever move again, so not much option of just selling and designing a better home. (Although I can do updates/etc over the next 40 years if I choose!). The floorplan design has fried most of my brain cells. Luckily, I am overly detailed (to a fault), so many furniture layout and interior selections have already pretty much been made. To make our dream home happen, we will do most of the work ourselves (hire foundation/framing/drywall some electrical, some plumbing). Our temporary home is a complete remodel, and DH and I have done most of the upgrades ourselves (roof, wiring, running copper water lines, paint, tile, etc). 3 years ago, I was also a SAHM. My kids are now all in school, and I am able to work again (I never did well as a SAHM!). If we weren't trying to raise our kids at the land, I would wait to build until they were out of the home. It wouldn't necessarily be a smaller home, as their bedrooms are in the walkout basement, but we wouldn't feel the build pressure.

If I was in your spot with a fixer-upper home, I would learn the skills needed to fix it back up. You could figure out what needs done to sell the house for top dollar, calculate what it will cost (hiring out some things, but not stuff like painting!). This could be an opportunity to make money on the home in the form of equity. Life doesn't give you many of these chances. Then, I would sell the house. Use some of the equity to pay for the land, or get a loan for the land(after buying replacement house!), or get mom/dad to sell the land on a contract and pay them monthly. Then buy a home that works for the family now. Buying something that is not already "flipped" or perfect paint colors will cost you less. Again, maybe you buy a home that has the total sq footage you need and nice yard size..but needs new kitchen cabinets, upgraded bathrooms, new paint, and the basement drywalled. You can get this home much cheaper, do a mortgage for the house, and a home equity for the repairs. Your 2 loans should be for less total and less total payment than if you bought the already done house. Raise your kids in this house.

Take the time you are raising the kids to design the perfect empty nester house. If it is an acreage, you can still go and plant landscaping trees/etc. Build a neat building for future chickens..whatever. Take the kids out there on a Saturday with a picnic lunch and let them run around.

When the kids are out of the house, you can sell your home, move into a rental or camper, and get moving on your forever home.

Wow, thank you all! Lots of great input!

Let me see if I can respond to a few thoughts/questions. So, the 2,000 sq ft house with basement/bonus room expansion in the future was what we were looking to do at this point. We can not afford an architect, so we were looking at stock plans. BUT my dad works with architects and he actually bought a stock plan for himself and reworked it all up with an architect at his company. I *think* we could probably have one of their architects look over our plan/make small changes fairly inexpensively, as long as the stock plan is pretty close to how we want it. However, working with an architect from start to finish is probably not in the budget, unfortunately!

the land is in an okay school district. Not my first choice. However, none of our schools in town are great, and a lot of people use the parochial/private school options. Currently only our oldest is in school, and he attends a private school, so home location would not affect that. However, we have two more kids coming down the pipeline. Paying for 3 kids to go to private school pre-K-8th is a big expense, and another reason why I’m hesitant to spend major bucks on a house at this time. We only have one public high school that our kids will attend, so that is also unaffected by the location.

We do have access to electric and sewer, but would have to put in a well for water. My dad told me to plan on 10k for that expense.

The reason why we are gung-Ho to move NOW, versus five years is because we are incredibly anxious to get out of this house and into something more functional and, well, nice. I also hate the idea of moving more than we have to—I find the moving process extremely stressful and overwhelming—and I want my kids to be raised in the “family home”. My parents moved to their current home when we were all very young (or not yet born!), and it was really great to have a stable, spacious, family-friendly home childhood until adulthood. I know that’s not possible or important for every family, but I just don’t like the idea of another transition home. Still, it’s an option!

Sounds like youve talked yourself into building.

So build it in 2 stages. The bare minimum you can live with now, then do the rest later.

Building is completely doable, if you have the time to do it. We are in the middle of a build currently, approximately 2500 sqft of finished space with another 1000+ sq ft of bonus space that we are leaving unfinished. We bought stock plans online, and changed them ourselves in CAD. We purchased our land in cash two years and cleared it ourselves. We just finished sheetrocking, and our estimated cost at completion (not including land) will be approximately 350k. We are our own general contractor which saved us a ton of money, but this is where the time aspect comes into place. We are at the house all the time, checking in on the subs, picking up, cleaning, doing odds and ends. We are also doing all our own painting, trim work, floor installation (besides carpet). If you have the time and can put in the effort, it is definitely doable. Construction (not including land clearing which w chipped away at over a year) started June 1st and we plan to have a CO in December. Best of luck in whatever you decide!!

I think this depends so much on what the inventory of homes for sale or homes in general in the area looks like and if you can find something that would work for you. We have been looking for 3 years in my area at both land and existing homes, however in my area existing rarely fits our needs. We came close once, a year ago, but pulled out of that one due to finding a sex offender lived right across the street and that was after I read the court records. It wasn't perfect still needed us to put in about 100K, however we just haven't found anything that doesn't requires us to put in at least that if not more. The land we bought was among the top priced too in the area. Fairly expensive area due to being a popular area for second homes and folks retiring.

Building is going to cost us more than if we could find something existing, however we plan to stay there long term and it is going to cost way more than what we are comfortable with, but history says we are going to be doing that no matter what. We just need to maximize what we can get out of our current home and we may elect to sell off some acres of our new property. It is well suited to do so which was one thing that appealed to me.

So what you need to try to do is maximize how much you can get out of your current home without putting too much into it and then also see what you can do to minimize the cost of building and try to accurately estimate those costs. Call utilities and figure out how much it will be to hook up to sewer and electric. Estimate the longest distance just in case. Use a simple rectangular plan, try to figure out what size makes sense now, when kids are older, and when they leave. Then see what you can do such as not finishing the basement now. Decide what rooms you need now, older kids, kids left and see if you can combine some of those needs to a room that can be used as needed for all those stages. Look at plans again and see what can be done. A colonial would to me be a simple floor plan to start with. Nice rectangle, simple roof. and see how you can utilize the space in such a plan to fit your family. Talk to more than one builder to get an idea of what can be done as far as cutting costs. What will be the most cost saving? The difference between a 2000 sq ft colonial and a 2500 sq ft colonial with the same design and just smaller sq ft won't be a huge difference in price as the costly pieces are still the same. There will be some savings, but unless you cut down on a bathroom, or something more costly you won't see as large savings. Also educate yourself on the costs of different finishes, windows, roofing materials, siding materials, ceiling heights etc. and decide what you can and can't live with. Pick out as much as you can so you can get a more accurate cost idea from a builder to see what you need to be able to reach as this will be a bit more accurate than just a generic quote of how much it costs to build. This will either make the number you were given go up or down some or be close depending on what your choices are. This way you can have a more accurate picture. Then you need to add about a 10-15% contingency on top of that price. Then start figure out how you can cut your living costs etc. and talk to the builder of what would help cut something and see if you can get there.

If you can't get there then, but can find what you want/need in something existing then that will be your best bet. However I would investigate building first if it means living close to family as that is always helpful with kids.

You're asking for thoughts on whether to buy or build, and also said "we wouldn’t even consider building at this point in our life", but everything you've written after that sounds like rationalizations for building now, even though it might not be the best option for you now financially. If you can't afford to fix up the house you're in now, affording a new build will likely be a stretch.

The reason why we are gung-Ho to move NOW, versus five years is because we are incredibly anxious to get out of this house and into something more functional and, well, nice.

If you have enough money saved up, moving/building NOW makes sense. If you don't, everyone can make do with not-as-nice.

We're a farm family with three kids. We lived in our early 1950s bungalow house for 25 years, until this past June, when we moved into our new house; the kids are in their late teens/early 20s. My husband and I had thought/hoped/planned to build a new house about five years after we got married, but by then kids started to come along, we were busy, and we had to save money. We were ready to start building about 10 years ago, but had some family emergencies with elderly parents' health and had to postpone yet again. Each time it was disappointing, but the extra time allowed us to save more money and also to do more research and make better plans; what I've always found overwhelming and stressful is worrying about money, and having to make decisions without being able to do all my homework.

Our old house was not particularly functional or nice. But it was home and we have wonderful memories. The house also taught the kids lessons about living within your means, budgeting, not overextending yourself, how it's not important to always have the nicest house (or sneakers or backpack), and that, of course, home is where the heart is. Trite but true.

My two cents is not to look at waiting or delays as negatives but as positives. And for your kids, wherever you're living now is the "family home" for them : )

Good luck with whatever you decide!

Just to let you know, there is always a local architect there waiting for you to change your mind.

I'm sorry but I'm going to be blunt. I don't think you can afford to build right now. You say it would cost about $400k to build what you want. Even if you cut back, it won't save that much. Add to that, the unexpected things that come up so as someone up thread said, you really have to add 15%-20% onto your budget for contingencies.

You have young children at home. Building a custom home is almost a full time job in itself because even if you hire the best GC, you need to be there to make sure they're following your plans, etc. You also need to make hundreds of decisions. Everything from paint colors, to which door handles, to which door hinges, window style, window brand, what kind of window, to plumbing supplies, roofing material, gutter style and color, siding, railings, carpeting, flooring, kitchen cabinets, knobs, type of HVAC, types of trim work and I could go on and on. We just moved in and it became almost a full time job. Are you willing to give up that time with your children?

And then you are saying the school district is just so-so. Number one priority to build or buy should be location and usually the better the school district, the more likely the property will hold its value and increase in value.

And if it's going to cost more to build than buy, what happens if you have to sell? Are you willing and able to take a hit on resale? Yes I know you don't intend to sell but life happens. Ask any of the people who overextended themselves during the housing bubble 10 years ago.

Have you thought of asking a designer to come look at your current home to see if there was a way to make it work better for you? Our first house was something like 1300 square feet downstairs with only two bedrooms and we were there until my oldest was 5 and my youngest was 1 year old. It worked because the house flowed well and felt larger than it's size because it was well designed. We put sweat equity into that house redoing the kitchen with Ikea cabinets, new tile flooring, painting, etc and were able to use the money from the sale of that house to upgrade when we were ready.

If the house you are in now needs updating, you'll take a hit on it when you go to sell. As someone suggested, maybe work towards updating it by using sweat equity. If you can't afford the time to do even things like painting now, you really won't have the time to build a new house.

If you're still leaning towards building, I would first read The Not So Big House and stop looking at online plans. Most are not good and if you're still set on building there are architects who will work with you remotely and will not cost an arm and a leg. You need to do a lot more research. However I will say if I were in your shoes, I would not build at this time because I would not want to be house poor.

With 3 young kids I would buy in the best school district in the area.

Location, location, location!

Thanks everyone! I am literally changing my mind not just day to day, but minute by minute, Ipike after each new comment! ;)

a note about school districts...so, it sounds weird to say, but we don’t really have a best and worst district at this time. Our town completely overhauled our elementary k-5 schools over the last couple years and built 5brand new schools to replace the 7 previous buildings. Two of the schools still are under construction—this is a brand new thing. They redistricted to have the same demographics at each school and hopefully get rid of the “bad school/good school” issue. So, where we are looking to build is in an area that previously had a less desirable school, BUT that shouldn’t be as much a factor now. I guess only time will tell how that plays out. And while this side of town is probably less desirable overall, this particular land is very desirable, as it is one of the very few residential areas with waterfront views. So it is unique and coveted, and my parents were really lucky to get the land. They’ve had people calling and asking to buy a lot from the. since before the papers were signed.

Cpartist, I don’t really think we can afford to build now either. but I am more financially conservative and worry a lot more than my husband, who is of the “we have one life, it’s just money” mentality. So we are butting heads a bit there,.

we are very pressed for time, not just with the kids, but my husband‘s job is very time intensive and he travels quite a bit. We also have kind of ridiculous volunteer commitments (long story, but my volunteer “job” is easily as much time as a part time job, and my husband does a lot, too.) and the time piece of the puzzle is probably the biggest hindrance to fixinf up our current house. So yeah—building might push me over the edge. I THINK I would enjoy it, since I love researching and planning, but maybe not.

i have actually read the not so big house and enjoyed it! I try to be mindful of that when looking at stock plans. Agree an architect would be better.

Well...I'll gently suggest that if both husband and wife are so committed that there isn't time to maintain their existing house, then there's simply insufficient time and energy for the pre-planning, budgeting, land selection, design, construction, bidding and permit documents, construction observation and administration, change orders, punch list and substantial completion it takes for designing and building a new house, all as added responsibilites to the current status quo.

Even when one uses an experienced architect, there are meetings, decisions and project management which are needed. Without an architect, the pressures of selections, decisions, second thoughts, changes, and short time lines for decisions increases geometrically.

And then a new house means preparing and selling the old house. Finding a realtor, rehab and cleaning, staging, open houses, seller negotiations, closing procedures.

And all of this without considering budget, contingencies, change orders and unexpected expenses.

Sound to me like it may be time for some family discussions and evaluations.

Good luck with your project!

Thank you! I should add that there are some restrictions as stated in the covenants.. One is that the house has to be at least 2500 sq feet, but that can include the basement—but the main level must be at least 1500 sq feet. So we have some flexibility, but not a ton. (This is a subdivision with just a few lots. My parents basically bought the subdivision because the owner didn’t want to sell single lots—wanted to sell whole thing. So there are a couple houses already on it, plus five vacant lots. My parents are building on one, they sold one right away, they’re saving one for me and for my brother if we want it, and they’re not selling the final lot because they want fewer houses in the area.)

Thank you for all the input, everyone. Agree we need to have some discussions and evaluations and get on the same page. Personally, I just hate living in limbo and not knowing what the plan is. So I think I could get on board with either decision....I just want to make one. It feels like, even on here, there’s a split! I REALLY regret buying our fixer upper....it was a bad financial decision and the house Has not been the right fit us. I’m so worried about making another bad decision and regretting my choice that I’m basically paralyzed from making it all. I just am so concerned that we do the build, and end up in over our heads financially, or that we buy and I always wonder “what if,...”

Sounds to me like you're not ready to make any decision yet. Put the emotions aside (I know, easier said than done), and discuss this pro and con until you're comfortable and ready for a decision. This is the sort of situation where "haste can make waste"...Good luck!

Cpartist, I don’t really think we can afford to build now either. but I am more financially conservative and worry a lot more than my husband, who is of the “we have one life, it’s just money” mentality. So we are butting heads a bit there,.

You need to both be on the same page and you both need to be comfortable with the decision. Maybe what you need to do is put together a complete budget showing your husband why you think it would be too tight for you to build right now.

Also remembering that unexpected costs keep coming up so unless you have healthy savings put away, it can come back to bite you if you build.

we are very pressed for time, not just with the kids, but my husband‘s job is very time intensive and he travels quite a bit. We also have kind of ridiculous volunteer commitments (long story, but my volunteer “job” is easily as much time as a part time job, and my husband does a lot, too.) and the time piece of the puzzle is probably the biggest hindrance to fixinf up our current house.

Honestly, if you don't have time to fix up your house then you really do not have time to build. In the past I fixed up one coop, and two houses and I can tell you that they definitely took up less of my time than building a house took. Building a house is as I mentioned almost a full time job.

So yeah—building might push me over the edge. I THINK I would enjoy it, since I love researching and planning, but maybe not.

It's not only researching and planning, but also supervising and actually choosing. It's amazing how much easier it is to choose something for someone else than it is to choose for one's self. And there were weeks where we had to make final decisions on not one or two items but on dozens.

However I'm a self employed artist who had the time to do all the work. My DH is retired.

i have actually read the not so big house and enjoyed it! I try to be mindful of that when looking at stock plans. Agree an architect would be better.

Message me if you're still hello bent on building.

My thoughts again? Fix up the house you are in, then sell. Buy your parents land but instead of building now, hold onto the lot and buy something else. When the kids are older and you've learned what really works and doesn't work for you, and you've built up more cash reserves and equity, then build.

It sounds like you're not in good position to build right now unless you decide on a much smaller, much simpler house. We are building on the site of our former house due to a flood and even then, the costs for utilities (septic 8.5k) and moving the main electric are super expensive. We are having to do a LOT ourselves and it is easily a full time job and a half. My kids are 5, 9, and 11...so old enough to need me some, but also be very helpful. I couldn't imagine doing this with smaller children and other massive commitments. I have dropped most any volunteering and put my life on hold to do this. We are super-handy and have lots of local expertise in our neighbors and friends. Good luck with your decision. It's not easy.

If we took the 'free land' out of the equation, would you be looking at building? While that land sounds lovely, is it convenient to all the places you and your children will be going on a regular basis over the next 18 - 20 years?

I would buy an existing home that fits your needs at present and for the immediate future. Buy something you can afford, and something that doesn't need a lot of work. Your family is still very young. You can wait to move into a larger/better home after this.

I'd be putting my energy into raising the family, not distracting myself with building (or refurbishing). "The House" doesn't make "The Home", but it sounds like you need something more suitable than your current house. Have you looked at real estate? Do you know what you can afford? You can predict some of the expenses ahead of you, but do you have an emergency fund? Could you cut down on all the volunteering and make some money to put towards this 'better house'? (I don't know how you do so much volunteer work with three little kids, but look at the big picture.)

So this is not a piece of a family farm or other property that has great sentimental value. It's a lot in a subdivision your parents bought. And it's a subdivision that is "on the wrong side of town". DO NOT GO THERE!

You have no time to do much of anything right now. You have children and huge volunteer commitments. You can't even find time to fix up the house you're in. Selling it "as is" is going to cost you some serious money.

You need to take a deep breath and slow down...WAY down.

I have done remodeling on two houses multiple times. The last time, was my kitchen, two years ago. No plumbing was moved, no structural work. Only the refrigerator changed locations (easy to move the tubing for the ice maker - I have a basement!), and I was only without a kitchen for 2-3 days. But there were many, many decisions to make, some errors in the cabinet orders that decisions also had to be made about, hardware, the backsplash (already had the flooring and lighting), and it was still very time consuming and exhausting. And I'm a widow living by myself!

My children were 6 and 8 when we did our first remodeling. It was an addition to the house so it did not interfere with our daily living. But there were lots of decisions. Thank goodness, I didn't work! The second big one was when they were 12 and 14. The 14 year old was away at boarding school; 12 yr old was home. It was a BIG remodeling in multiple parts of the house. When I look back now, it's all a blur - it was a huge undertaking. And yes, even with very careful budgeting, it cost more than we expected. We always said we ran out of money and steam about the same time!

The kind of people who can easily build a new home with young children are the kind that don't really care much about details. They just want everything new, and are happy with very few choices - everything else what the builder chose. They THINK they are "custom building a house", but they are not - they have no idea what that even entails. As cpartist said - a true custom home has more decisions that you can even imagine! And you often are asked to make them rather quickly.

The land is not that "special" to put yourself at financial risk and add to your stress level. It's still going to be a subdivision.

Okay, thank you all again!

anglophilia, I’m probably not describing the land well. It IS a subdivision, but it is honestly super gorgeous, private, and unique. And all the lots have quite a bit of land to them...our lot is over 4 acres with woods in the back. There is a long winding drive lined with trees all the way down to the bluffs Overlooking the water. It honestly is special and that’s the main reason I’m having trouble saying turning it down. There are almost no lots like this in our town, my parents were extremely lucky, and I just worry I would regret not buying it and then feeling so jealous every time I visit my parents and see some other house sitting on the lot we wanted! There are only going to be five homes total in the subdivision, and it’s spread out over about 20-25 acres.

So, I think it sounds like the general consensus is that we should buy now and build later when we are not so busy and broke. Haha. I know that’s the best idea, and I was just hoping we could make it work...but I really appreciate everyone’s insight and opinions—I guess Unless we win the lottery, we need to figure this out a little more realistically!

Aside from the fact that your current house is a fixer upper do you like the neighborhood you are in? When our kids were young we lived in a dense suburb with lots of friends to play with and parks within walking distance. The lot you describe sounds great for later years - kids off to college, quiet neighborhood and a view to enjoy. Just my 2 cents. Nice that your parents have land to sell to you and your brother someday - Assuming they aren’t pressuring you TO buy it then maybe just wait.

Chi sue, no, we would not be building if it weren’t for the free (or almost free) land. It is less convenient than where we are now, but I would actually prefer to be somewhere more quiet and peaceful. Another reason why the land is so desirable it because it’s not far from ton,w, whereas most land like this is very far out . It would be like a 10 minute drive to school...nothing major.

We di have ave an emergency fund, although we’d be depleting it to build. Haha. And I could go back to work, but I really value staying at home with the kids. I do all my volunteer work when they are napping or sleeping at night, and the occasional meeting during the day or weekend. it is a lot and gives me no real free time, but basically I started a nonprofit business and can’t take a salary at this time.

Anyway. yes, we know what we could afford to buy at this time, and it would get us a lot more house than we could build! 350k buying would get us a pretty nice house around here!

Thinkdesignlive, yes, we like the neighborhood a lot. We bought the house for the neighborhood—it’s a Historic house in an established neighborhood. Our house isn’t anything to write home about, but there are some gorgeous old homes in our neighborhood and it’s a great place to walk. however, I actually don’t love it for my boys. We have a small, dinky yard, and there are very few kids nearby. The centrality of it is nice and convenient. However, I kind of have these visions of my kids running around on 4 acres, playing in the woods, riding their bikes down to grandma and grandpa’s. Plus the people who bought the other lot in the neighborhood have little girls the same age as two of my kids. And my siblings would be around a lot with their kids, since my parents are there. It seems like a really fun place to grow up. But I know what you mean—it definitely would work for the later years...which is what my parents are doing. They raised us in a house in the middle of town, and now they are doing their peaceful retirement home.

the problem is that the land is kind of now or never. (Well, I probably could take a couple years if they KNEW I was going to build.) They were going to gift us most of the cost of the land, but theyre not going to do that if we aren’t going to build for 10-15 years. The land was very expensive to buy and develop, and they could recoup some of that money by selling the lots that they are currently tentatively reserving for me and my brother. My lot is “worth” the most and they could sell it for 6 figures...i Wouldn’t ask them to save that for us just in case, or for 15 years, when they are past all the years they could have enjoyed having grandkids around (who would be basically grown by that point.).

In that case, buy the lot and fix up your current home and sell it for a markup so you come out with some equity. It takes work but will be good practice for building. I get your feeling on the lot... we just bought 1.5 acres for the same reason (they don’t come along all the time!) and sold our fixer upper for $350k more than we bought it for two years ago. We will be living in a downsized home on the property for a couple years until we can build. I understand the opinion of waiting to build until kids are gone... but we want to build a childhood home that we can all enjoy as a family for as long as possible. Give it a lot of thought and run the numbers as accurately as possible before making a decision.

I just worry I would regret not buying it and then feeling so jealous every time I visit my parents and see some other house sitting on the lot we wanted!

I had three kids in four years and remember what it was like when they were younger : ) . It sounds as if you keep thinking about how great things could be in the "perfect family home" on the "perfect lot", but for your kids, perfect is in your home with you right now.

I know it's hard for parents to stop worrying about wanting to make things as perfect as possible for kids, because I think that's hardwired into us, but I think this is definitely a case of "the perfect as the enemy of the good". I am fairly certain that for your kids right now, Masers, everything is as close to perfect as they know. They're making memories right now from things you probably think wouldn't even rate.

The best thing you can do right now is give them the gift of your time, and not spend money or time you don't need to. Don't take yourself out of your day, and theirs, by planning that something that could be better. Enjoy today (and tomorrow) for what it is with them : ) .

Becky's giving you excellent advice. Your kids won't know or care whether they have a small or large backyard. They will care if you're there for them or if it's easy for them to go to their friends or their friends to come to them. They'll care as they get older if they can walk to places with friends and family and know that when they get home, Mom is waiting for them. And it won't matter one bit what size house or how much land.

Thanks! I know my personality as a perfectionist colors my decision a lot. I want everything to be done NOW, I want the “perfect” family home, I want all my kids to grow up there, and so on...but I also know that none of that matters to my kids like it does to me. lots to think about, lots of options! Thanks again!

One more thought. We have a tendency to want to buy or build our fantasy house and not the house for the way we actually live.

For example, my fantasy house would have a separate dining room for the large 6 course dinner parties I'd be hosting, in an elegant room. I'd sashay out in my finest clothing while everyone oohs and ahhh's over my perfectly crisp duck a la orange. They'd be eating off of fine china with sterling utensils and under the plates would be the hand embroidered linens.

Now my reality is I don't do sit down dinners. And the truth is, I don't particularly enjoy cooking although I do enjoy baking.

If I have a sit down, everyone goes to the buffet to serve themselves. And it's more likely it's a casserole or something my DH barbecued! And I have multiple colors of fiesta ware dishes and my silverware is stainless. My life and my entertaining style is quite casual. Oh and I purposely didn't build a separate dining room because I knew it would never be used and wasn't necessary for just DH and myself.

Why do I mention this? Because don't get caught up in your fantasy of how life might be if only you had the perfect house. Figure out how you actually live, how you're likely to live for the next 5-10 years and work backwards from there. If you normally don't cook gourmet meals and have sit down dinners now, it's unlikely you'll be having them even in your new digs as just one example.

cp, that reminds me of one of Magnaverde*'s rules of decorating from the Home Decorating forum -- "Decorate for the life you really have, not the life you wish you had."

More of his rules in [this post here[(https://www.houzz.com/discussions/magnaverdes-rules-dsvw-vd~2504285).

So true, cpartist. We have a formal dining room now, that is 100% used as my office space and catchall space. I had already decided that a formal dining room is not needed for us—but an office, mud room, and play space would be very utilized! The plan we originally chose was very functional for us at this stage in our lives. But I guess it’s not to be...at least not now! Thanks for the advice!

and thanks for the link, beckysharp. I’m hopeless at decorating...I’ll check It out.

The best one....

Magnaverde Rule No. 63:
Not every rule is a good rule.

Sounds like you have access to an amazing lot that is being sold to you at a fraction of its value.

BUY IT NOW if your parents are looking to off load the land.

Start there and then take some time to access your situation and put a plan in place.

Worst case you sell the lot.

Take any profit that was sunk cost (like taxes) and remaining profit back to parents.

Just keep in mind on the well, we needed one too. We budgeted 17k. That includes the permits, drilling, the pump, the electrical from the pump to the house, and the plumbing from the pump to the house. We got lucky and had a pretty shallow water table at 250 feet. But there’s other places in town that have to be drilled to 600 plus. So you never know until you hit water. The bank also required us to have a 5% contingency which included the site prep costs and build (not land we financed that a different route). So there’s another 18k we didn’t foresee. If we don’t use it we don’t have to keep it obviously but it’s not something we thought about at the beginning.

I understand what beckysharp is saying, but there is definitely something to be said for raising kids where they can have some space to roam and explore. My kids can walk to the creek and throw rocks or fish, build stuff, raise animals and get very very dirty. I also love that my kids are helping to build our home. The fact that we live on 2 acres very close to a major metropolitan area colored our decision to rebuild. We could have easily sold for a profit and moved to a tidy little subdivision with a very nice home. Take the focus off of 'perfect', and see what you can make happen for now. Perfect is for when the kids are grown and coming back for holiday family dinners.

I grew up in an apartment and then a small crappy house on a postage size lot that was in a crappy neighborhood.

thinking about it 30+ years later it brings back terrible memories. More to it than that but none the less.

i remember going to friends larger homes and larger lots. Needless to say it drove me to never settle to this day. I know teach my kids to be humble, be grateful, lend a hand and never judge. Those are my rules.

Lol now I feel conflicted again!

have I mentioned that i am both indecisive and easily swayed?

If you have access to land at a good price, do it! As long as you can afford it. Or buy the land now and save for a few years then build if it’s a little too tight

Masers 7-

If you make the decision to build now, I hope you will come back when it's all over and let us know whether it worked out well or not. It will be very instructive for others regardless of what happens.

Lol now I feel conflicted again!

have I mentioned that i am both indecisive and easily swayed?

This might be a good time to step away from the public forum and decide what's best for your family : ) .

As an aside, I grew up in a small two-bedroom apartment in NYC in the sixties and seventies; my parents had one bedroom, my younger sister and I had the second, and from the time I was born until my sister left for college, my grandmother slept on a pull-out sofa in the living room. I had no idea how unusually dangerous, filthy, and unpleasant NYC in general and our neighborhood in particular was, until I was much older, or how strange our living situation was -- my classmates at the expensive prep schools I attended had grandparents who almost without exception lived in Florida or in Europe, and even their maids had separate bedrooms off the kitchen. But at the time I remember being happy (if always hyperaware on the streets lol), and looking back I see just how lucky we were. It's all in what you make of it.

Thanks beckysharp. I posted because I feel so conflicted even in conversations with my husband! I truly feel like I bounce back and forth every conversation, and thought maybe getting an outside perspective would be helpful. (when I talk to family—my parents are too close to the situation—they want us to build; my brother is extremely financially conservative and thinks we should buy, and I end up feeling split again!). But it’s the same feeling here! Lol.

I will try to remember to come back and post after we make our decision. I think I’ll take a break for now and focus on getting our current house ready to sell. And, until we sell, a place that we can all enjoy.

Thanks everyone!

I agree with beckysharp; make your life plan and do what fits. Living in "a small two-bedroom apartment in NYC" and sending their daughter to "expensive prep schools" sound to me like they had a pretty good plan in place.