Because all too often these inquiries aren't -- at the heart of it -- a quest for information: Rather, some people genuinely believe they've made good decisions and are attached to those plans; they're looking for praise and affirmation of their choices, and when advice ensues, it is an unwelcome surprise. We see it in other areas of life as well; you've probably heard that high school students are likely to end up attending the first college they tour, and brides often go back and buy the first wedding dress they tried on. First impressions /first attachments are strong.

I agree that often these posts are done to seek affirmation. I totally get how someone can get low spirits if no one likes their deisgn. I asked a question for the first time, and I deleted my post. My question was very specific about functionality only. I was open to different opinions, but I started to get comments on how the design just was’t pretty and implying how I must have help or staff to afford such a kitchen. It just read too negative for my preference, so I decided I could figure everything out for myself.

I think this forum is very valuable to many people... I myself have learned many things in areas that I have no expertise in so I am grateful.

That being said - I feel like some folks even need a scape goat. IF things don't go well, they say " well my designer picked that out". Then there are others who are seeking the tie breaker between spouses and family by using the expertise on here to champion their selections.

And then others seem to be completely lost or just burned out from the process.

As i always tell people - scroll on by if you don't like it!

I can't tell you, Diana, how many facets of my life to which this applies. :-) Even clients who are paying good money for your expertise are either second-guessing recommendations or insisting upon their own solution, regardless of whether it's the best one. A designer shouldn't be hired to validate your vision or be just the arms and legs to execute. If you feel that strongly about a design direction, go for it. What do you need me for? :-D

Great point!

I agree that there are some that just want affirmation, but some of the "brutally honest" comments are rude, or interpreted as rude. Our homes are a reflection on ourselves. If someone tears it apart, it can feel like a personal attack. I think that many people that are newbies here don't realize that's how they feel until they ask and then it's too late.

I have received excellent advice here (and have primarly kept it to mechanical-ish stuff) -- I'd be terrified to post any of my decor (I like it and that's enough for me).

Agree with Sabrina -- as a graphic designer, paying clients do all the same things -- change their minds; come up with their own solutions; run off with (paid for) designs and modify... it's got to be human nature or something. People can't help themselves. I do think some folks are paying just for the reassurance they are right.

ETA: just as posters continue to not provide enough info, ultimately seek validation, etc. isn't there some saying about continuing to do the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is insanity (attributed to Einstein but dunno on that...). So just as humans continue to post -- many folks respond the same way, every time. Maybe we should change it up a little (or scroll on by).

I appreciate everyone's comments on this post, and can see both sides of the story. Some folks are just a bit brusque and don't have a lot of tact. I think that pros especially should word their responses with more honey than vinegar, but I also think that when valid options are given, they should be respected. Also the advice here is free, and most of it is well meaning and makes a lot of sense. But you are also free to scroll on down and switch off notifications!

Did you want an answer different from your own opinion when you posted this? Be honest. The entire tone of your headline makes it seem like you didn’t and what you were looking for was confirmation from the group — if you were looking for anything.

I think it really depends on what the question is.

Very often there is a question asked and a picture posted and then there are suggestion and critiques relating to stuff that wasn't asked.

Also it depends on how a critique is put forth. I worked with a designer who I respected very much and we would sometimes *argue* over a design proposal - in other words she would have something in a design and I would question it. I would often learn a lot about why that specific design idea or whatever was being proposed. When I knew why I could think about whether it made sense to me. Or conversely, I would tell her about a design choice or a functionality I wanted and we would discuss how to achieve it.

Obviously on a forum where people are offering free advice, it is not the same as the trusted relationship you build up with your designer over months - or in my case years :-). But there is still a valid reason why people might not just accept a suggestion without some sort of debate or dialogue -whatever one wants to call it.

Well advice givers could try being honest without being brutal. People who feel attacked naturally become defensive. Advice offered in a more constructive or friendly manner may be better accepted.

I have known people who like the process of shopping...researching, comparing and finally choosing the one which most closely resembles what they have already picked out in their head. Sometimes the choices are physical items while other shopping is shopping for answers. I remember one employee who irritated me regularly by asking me a question then continuing on to others if she didn't care for my answer. If she liked the answer, the search was over.

I wonder how many of these situations are an opportunity to get an unbiased opinion from people who won't sugarcoat the truth. Sometimes my near and dear folks don't have the expertise to back up their opinions or aren't willing to explain themselves.

Sometimes I see a dilemma that is even a dilemma for me! In most of those cases, I try to find one thing to help with and focus on that. Better than being negative about all of it, but sometimes I do wonder and admire the guts some people have about exposing their under-belly like they often do here.

This is the second post on the same topic in the last few days! CPartist posted something similar just a bit ago. Worth the read

In order to provide any kind of response to your question, I need to see your entire browsing history with date and time stamps. Preferably on graph paper.

”PRO” is short for professional. Most professionals in any business know how to treat people, you are not a successful professional without the skill of knowing how to communicate with your clients . I am a professional in my field because im not a jerk to my clients, or to frankly anyone who asks me for advice. You never know who they know. No body forces the pros on this site to reply to any question, if you do feel the need to add your 2cents, at least stay on subject and be tactful. Its a learned skill.

Why ask if you don't want the answer? There could be many reasons! After following discussions and dilemmas here for years, it is clear that there is rarely one right "answer," and posters are given multiple perspectives from pros and non-pros, experts, and maybe just homeowners who have had the same dilemma. When asking about this backsplash or that one, or whatever the issue is, the poster may have a preference, but just want to get an outside opinion or two or twenty. Also, posters rarely give 100% of the factors that go into a decision (budget, personal and family preferences, sentimental value, availability, pieces they already own, their own level of knowledge (for example, I am not a design professional, but I DO have a 4 year degree in Design), etc.). Therefore, responders never have all of the information, even the professionals.

And I truly respect and appreciate the input from design professionals, but not all of their suggestions appeal to me, and may not appeal to a person asking the question either. I also doubt if the posts on here accurately reflect to what degree the poster is actually 'entertaining' the suggestions. I say, the more helpful input and creative ideas that are offered, the better...it is for the poster to decide if they will accept them (and they are under no obligation to say if they did, or explain why or why not).

I agree that some folks want approval (or praise). I also feel I've read some good advice to use in my own home. However, a few years ago a homeowner was asking for help and someone said something along the lines of their house wasn't nice enough to really do anything with in the first place so why bother. I guess there's a fine line between being honest and being cruel. That was my first impression of Houzz and why I'd never post a picture of my own home for help on here. I will read others dilemmas and apply it to my own situation if I can.

There is no advantage to a response that is brutally honest. An reasoned intelligent answer is better. It's more likely to be understood by the OP, and other people are more likely to add their own thoughts too.

I think the times I like the brutally honest post is when the OP and other commenters aren't listening when they are being told something is dangerous , won't work, needs a professional to handle or they are spreading false information .

Certain folks need a good old kick in the pants! I miss Sophie

You have no idea who someone is based on their random posts here though. So no clue if they need a kick in the pants

Sometimes when people offer advise, they miss the heart of the question, don’t know additional information that is helpful, or their reasoning is something different that the tastes of the homeowner. For example, if someone presents an option of lamps they are considering, all of which are traditional, and someone recommends something contemporary instead. It misses the point that the homeowner is looking for a traditional style. Something like this happened with a designer I use. She did a kitchen remodel and selected blue chairs. I have a long explanation why blue chairs remind me of my parents living room in the late 80s-90s. We selected turquoise instead because green, which I preferred, didn’t look good with the curtains. So now she’s helping with my bedroom. During our consultation I made a deliberate effort to stress that I wanted only neutrals, no color accents, and especially didn’t want items intended to bring out the light blue in the duvet cover. So we meet later to go over her design presentation, and she has blue. Of course I’m going to say something. When I said I don’t like blue, her response was to point out the blue stools we ordered for the kitchen, as if she forgot the entire conversation. Maybe she did. She does have lots of clients. Another example, I asked about two different cabinet pulls on here. Well people hated both and started recommending other pulls that are so far off of the overall design that it was almost laughable. I picked one of the two I asked about, and it was the right decision. They’re striking in the overall design. But people kept missing the point that I was deciding between those two pulls for a reason, and it was one of those two and no other ones I was deciding from. But I think these are good examples of yes, you still want help, but it does need to stay within the parameters you’ve set.

Marci, thank you for your very thoughtful comments. I am reading all the posts and most of them are reasoned and helpful. I too get annoyed when someone asks a question and is given an answer that is totally out of the taste or wishes of the homeowner. I especially dislike the "always" and "never" dicta.

As a designer I have always tried my best to listen to my clients' wishes and desires, and fulfill them as best I can. If I disagree I say so, but give a reason for my position and fully inform the client of all the pros and cons of the option. In the end, however, it's not my home and as long as the client (or poster) isn't doing something dangerous, it's their choice. I also try to do this on Houzz when responding to questions.

There are as many answers to this questions as there are people this applies to, but in MY experience there is often a common denominator - Pros and habitual commenters full of ego who offer their opinions as if they are the final authority, many times missing the original query entirely. (as previously mentioned.) There are a few who don't listen and post their "wisdom" ad nauseum. In my case recently, I posed a challenge about mechanicals and got a barage of design opinions I never asked for. For better or worse, it's also why I chose not to hire a designer locally. I encounter the same arrogance in person. Even the Lowe's kitchen person I started with. I sat down with her twice. Once was a brief chat, the next was a scheduled design session. I appreciated her honesty when she would say yea or nay to things I was thinking about, but both times I left feeling like I was five years old. It felt like a scolding rather than a collaboration. She even had the audacity to tell me what I didn't want (soapstone) when I knew without a doubt I did. I couldn't imagine spending time and money for that. I went to a cabinet maker who was amazing. Similar helpful advice, but in a much more professional tone. He earned my money, respect and recommendations.

theresen, I agree with your comments. The reason I decided to study design was hiring a designer who acted just like the person at Lowe's you described. Arrogance and superiority have no place when you are dealing with anyone, much less paying customers. On the other hand, it is a give and take. Some customers and clients can be just as arrogant and obstinate!

LOL, They're the reason I won't study design!

Honestly, let's talk Pros here, with all due respect. There are "Pros" on this site who seem to need the affirmation (or "fix" associated with giving advice) who are not Pros in all things they comment on and some hardly at all. That's being brutally honest. If you live on Houzz giving advice, well.... This site was intended, it seems, to provide an exchange of ideas and the occasional advice, if available, from a member with experience or insight, or an experienced professional in the subject matter. What a great concept! While there are posters who might have a predetermined purpose for posting, as a Pro we can generally vet them just as we do our potential clients. Maybe we weigh in, perhaps we find our comments are not useful in this particular exchange, and then we can choose to bow out. Sometimes others who see the post do gain from our comments, even if the OP is not interested. THAT is the reason we ever contribute here as our only intent is to create a more educated consumer and contribute to a more positive experience with the trade and industry we represent. That being said, we agree that the arrogant or dismissing comments are hard to swallow from all participants. We don't like "dark rooms" and avoid them. Pros and other members should ask themselves, "Am I contributing to a dark room"? (Which will limit valuable community contribution and fewer people/Pros that choose to add valuable insight will participate). Our two cents.