I think the bride/groom need to be gracious enough to understand that many of the friends and family may not be able to attend.

Oh, yeah, the destination bachelor/bachelorette parties. I'm glad my friends and I married before these became a trend. These weekend parties to Nashville or Vegas or Miami can be very costly. One friend's son--the best man--planned a trip to Vegas and didn't collect money upfront from the attendees. He was stuck with huge bar tabs and limo fees.

As a wedding musician in a tourist area, I played for a lot of destination weddings before US locations became so old hat, but I've always thought the most sensible one I ever did was one years ago on the beach on Captiva, where the only people there were the bride and groom and the officiant. It was very romantic. The photographer and I were the witnesses.

The bride and groom told me they had to heavily bribe the family not to come and would be going back to a big fancy reception to placate them all.

I'm going to one in April in the Caribbean - my cousin's wedding. They made the invitation process informal - sent an email basically saying 'this is what we're doing, if you're interested in joining us, here is the travel agent you can contact - if not - no worries!' There was no 'expectation' - if I didn't want to go, I wouldn't be. And I wouldn't spend 2 seconds thinking about it. It's their day/vacation, they can do what they want.... it's not up to me to judge or decide or have an opinion. The OP says "I'm not sure what to think..." - maybe you're thinking about it to much - - for me it's like any other wedding. Go if you want to & can afford it..... Or don't. What else is there to think about??

I'm personally looking forward to it. There is a group of about 35 of us on my side of the family going (the groom's side), from all over Canada - aunts & uncles, my mom is going, other cousins.... In some cases, people I don't get to see very often. To add another dimension, we are English and the bride's family is Quebec French. I fully expect to have a great time.

I felt that the destination and mini-vacation were more important to them than the people in their lives who they knew couldn't attend, including elderly grandparents. They also were well aware of the financial situation of their closest relatives who did attend.

My feeling is, and this is a little harsh, but if family isn't paying then they don't really get a say. As I said, our big local wedding with all families attending was costly and stressful on us, the hosts and the payers. I wouldn't do it again. And I had three wonderful grandparents there, but since then my grandmother has not been able to attend several family weddings that took place in faraway places and she was really quite understanding. One is for her dearest granddaughter, who happens to live in England and got married there. They're very close but had to make a decision between her husband's large family and his elderly grandmother, plus all their many friends in the UK, versus her small family over here in Canada.

Grandmother's son also got remarried and had a kid far away from her (California and Montreal). Despite my local family inviting her to all our stuff and including her in our lives, she's still much more interested in the granddaughter in UK and new granddaughter in Montreal than her new step-grandchild here in Nova Scotia. So distance hasn't seemed to harm her relationships.

I think destination weddings can be a burden to the attendees but sometimes it is what you have to do for family. My BIL wanted to get married on the beach in the area where he grew up in Florida so the destination made sense and for he and the bride, the trip was not onerous coming from Texas. My IL's would have paid the airfare for the 6 of us to attend but we would have felt guilty for the amount it would have cost. Not to mention, at the time, one baby was less than 6 months old and one son was 3 with autism. We kept hearing from my MIL that after all, it was also a vacation for everybody, too. I cannot speak for anybody else, but in mind, that trip was family business, there was nothing vacation-like about it. None of our time was our own, during the drive from New Mexico to Florida the a/c gave out and it rained on our luggage in our truck bed. We had a particularly bad winter that year so every time DH had to stay home from work because of the snow we had to worry about his PTO balance. In this case though, we did what we had to do because DH was not going to be absent from his brother's wedding. However, part of me wishes that we had just let DH fly out there and the rest of us could have stayed home.

Timely topic; I just RSVP'd my regrets to a Cancun wedding of the daughter of a former coworker. I have no problem with whatever type of wedding a couple has their heart set on. I think most of the time they know there will be less people attending a destination wedding.

I can't believe that people really believe that a lot of people will go to a destination wedding. I just got an invite to one, surely they don't expect us to spend hundreds of dollars to go to a wedding? They certainly aren't for the budget minded like myself.

I second what IdaClaire said! That is exactly the type person that I got the invitation from! It's as if no one before her has ever been so in love and met such a wonderful man as she has.

I've been to some mighty fancy nuptials as a guest, I enjoy a rousing party. As long as the lavishness extends to delicious food and an open bar, I'm all good with it.

I do believe destination weddings can be a way to pare down the guest list. You get to invite people with no guilt and they get to decline with no guilt. My FIL said the best guest is the person who graciously declines - everybody's happy!

No one has explained the point of a DW. Seems like a honeymoon trip that you can't NOT GET MARRIED THERE TO on...

In my head this has always been a thing the rich folk might do to one up each other..but real people not so much. I would not hesitate to say NOPE--but I have three unmarried off spring. What will mom do if she gets THAT call?!

I don't like the whole idea and would never be able to afford to go. My daughter's husband was picked by his brother to be best man at an island wedding. At the time they had an infant and two year old and no money, he worked nights at an extra job so he could go.and then went for 10 days to the wedding. My daughter had to stay home because they couldn't afford it. She wasn't happy and I know I would've been very upset to be left alone all those nights while he worked extra for a 10 day vacation. I thought if the brother really wanted him there he should've paid for it or had a wedding closer to home.

Why do one?

• It's easy, you usually don't have to bother with much organization (the resort takes care of it)- no transportation, no decor, no planning a dinner menu, no designated seating
• You can spend a dedicated week with a small group of friends and family instead of trying to say "hi" to 200 people in two hours
• The cost is lower for bride and groom, usually much lower
• Limiting the guest list
• Get married in a place you love and has meaning for you
• Get married in a place that doesn't favor one or the other set of inlaws
• Combine wedding and honeymoon, easy and easy on the pocketbook

Why not do one?

• If it will put close friends and family in financial hardship
• If you have a long list of people you REALLY NEED to be there and will not accept them not coming
• If your family does not enjoy travelling or does not generally vacation a lot
• If the vast majority of your friends and family are very close to home and would not otherwise have to travel
• If you are not willing to discuss it with your family with an open mind beforehand

We decided against it for basically all of the reasons on list 2, but I can see the attraction of list 1.

Arcy, the first dw I was invited to was in St. John. The bride spent a lot of time on the island as a child with her dad who was no longer alive. It gave her a sense of her dad's presence on her big day. Another I was invited to was held in Puerto Rico where the couple had actually met while vacationing separately. The third was just for the hellave it....

My stepson and DIL had a quickie wedding in the US, but DIL then wanted to have another ceremony a year later in the Eastern European country she is from. She wanted a chance for her relatives to see her walking down the aisle in a big dress, etc. Which would have been fine with me, except that she expected our entire family to attend, and made it clear that if anyone failed to show she would eternally resent it.

That was annoying to me on so many levels. First, they were was already married, so the command performance at a second ceremony was ridiculous, IMO. Second, most of our family members are young adults with young children, and the last thing they can afford right now is travel and lodging in Eastern Europe. So it would have fallen on my husband and me to pay the tab for all.

I was so happy when the two of them couldn't get it together to execute this event. But the experience has colored my opinion of destination weddings.

I understand the importance of rites of passage. I also see what to me appears as a good deal of self-absorption, particularly among what I think of as "the Pinterest crowd". You'd think nobody had ever gotten hitched or had a baby before they decided to do it, and suddenly it's spotlights on and all about them. There doesn't seem to be a lot of graciousness and humility in much of what I have personally observed, and I think that's a shame.

This, this, a thousand times this. I know I sound like a curmudgeon, but something has gone totally haywire in wedding-ville. The brides make themselves look ridiculous a lot of the time. The phrase "put on airs" is probably totally foreign to the generation marrying today, but they should learn it. And Pinterest? The brides go there for unique and unusual ideas ... so they then all have the same webpages, wear the same dress, take the same photos, serve drinks from the same canning jars, etc etc and all of it comes from the wedding-military-industrial complex. If I see one more photo of the groom dipping the bride, or one more bride whose strapless dress doesn't fit and is revealing acres of boobage, I will lose it. Thank goodness my closest family have avoided much of the folderol, but that still leaves plenty of such silliness on the calendar.

We attended a destination wedding at a popular Caribbean resort area. The whole thing was WAY easier on the bride and groom than a stateside wedding would have been because the resort's on-staff wedding planner coordinated everything. Because they chose a popular area, there were hotel choices to fit every budget, and flights weren't very expensive either. The bride and groom's family and friends were from all over several countries, so guests would have been traveling to whatever location they chose to get married anyway. Would definitely recommend it for a couple with a similar family/friends situation who want a smaller, less-stress wedding.

The brides go there for unique and unusual ideas ... so they then all have the same webpages, wear the same dress, take the same photos, serve drinks from the same canning jars, etc etc and all of it comes from the wedding-military-industrial complex.

They even all use the same font.

Weddings don't have to be stressful, and the notion that they all somehow are - or are expected to be - kinda makes my head want to explode.

Many of us here are middle-aged and beyond, and perhaps by virtue of pop culture rhythms we missed the "I'm really a Disney princess" fantasy that some who are younger seem to have glommed onto. Just the other day I was shown wedding photos of a young woman who had obviously gone to great lengths to plan and execute a wedding of royal proportions. The shots of her surrounded by her silk-clad bridesmaids gazing upon her in adoration - all twelve of them - was gag-inducing. To me, a wedding is not only about uniting a couple, but also about bringing families and friends together, at least for a brief time. It's not just a special day for the bride, and one with any maturity whatsoever should recognize this and conduct herself accordingly. I keep going back to these two words, but I firmly believe it's about being gracious and humble as the happy occasion is shared. It's about demonstrating love and gratitude to those who have brought the couple to this time in their lives. It's not about being a princess ... and it's certainly incompatible with being Bridezilla.

Boy I must really be lucky! The recent weddings we have attended have had lovely brides (and grooms) and some have had numerous attendants.

Could it be that Pinterest ideas have taken the place of Bride magazine ideas?

Or is it just that with the internet, you may be seeing wedding ideas that you would not have seen before because you were not consumer of Bride magazines?

I had a DW in a gorgeous Caribbean resort 15 years ago, because we had the money for a nice wedding or a nice honeymoon, but not both. I chose the honeymoon. We invited immediate family only, and they stayed for the weekend, while my husband and I stayed a week longer. We wanted a small wedding and didn't want bridesmaids or groomsmen. We had a party for friends and extended family before we left. We had the party beforehand because we were starting our medical residencies when we returned and wouldn't have had the time or energy for a party then.

I don't think I was a Disney princess, but I do believe the day is about the couple and their personal preferences. I'm quite sure no couple would want anyone attending their wedding begrudgingly. So, if you do not want to attend, then skip it.

I blame Martha.

I am not a fan of destination weddings and have declined the ones we have been invited to. One, the daughter of a good friend, had a typical wedding reception a couple of months after the destination wedding. That was absurd, but we did attend and did buy a gift from her registry.

Well, well - thank you so much. I see you are nearly all in agreement with my initial take on this but I thought perhaps I was an outdated, traditional old hag. I guess I'm not or maybe we all are. From the moment I heard of this concept I've thought it sounded like kind of a self centered thing. I don't necessarily think that so much if it's a small family affair and everyone's ability to attend has been taken into consideration.

The first one I was invited to a couple years ago I declined. It was the son of a friend - we hadn't seen the kid in years and had never met the bride. At that time I made an unspoken rule in my head that I just wouldn't attend destination weddings - ever.

The latest one is the son of a good friend and we spent a lot of time with this family when the kids were growing up. Haven't seen the kid much since he went to college out of state and got a job out of state. I believe we've met the bride once. The entire family has since moved away but we are still friends with the parents.

I REALLY do not want to go but I'm afraid DH does and feels that he should because the man parent is a good friend of his and he did spend quite a bit of time with the kids when they were small. Here's how I can imagine this going down. We go, we know no one there other than the immediate family. They are all very busy with their family and other guests. We put in an appearance and then have no reason to be there. This is how some other weddings of friends kids have gone but at least then we can go home. In this case we've spent a few thousand dollars to go somewhere we otherwise have no interest in being. Plus it's on a weekday and we have to take time off work to attend and RSVP/commit/pay four months in advance.

I'm just avoiding bringing the topic up with DH but at least now I have some additional info that most other people wouldn't attend either unless it was close family.

I AM "an outdated, traditional old hag" and proud of it!

So much of this started when parents stopped paying for and giving a wedding for their daughter. Usually, it was because what they could comfortably afford wasn't quite good enough for their special little Disney Princess so the Princess and her Prince went into enormous debt and put on a huge, showy wedding all out of proportion to their real lives. When it's a black tie wedding and the grooms friends show up in sports shirts because they don't even own a coat and tie, you know you're doing the wrong thing!

My late husband and I loved giving our daughter a lovely wedding. It was a wedding on a tight budget and her father paid for part of it, but it was not a dinner dance at a bridal facility with a huge band and an open bar and her 300 closest friends. It was a noon wedding at our church with the reception, also at the church, (a seated, catered luncheon) for 115 and a small 4 piece band that played Peter Duchin kind of music. At that time, I had access to the wholesale florist market and I, with the help of 3 friends, did all the flowers except the bridal bouquet (I don't know how to work with gardenias and lily of the valley). We served wine and non-alcholoic drinks as that is what the church allows. The flowers were spectacular, the food amazing (caterer knew she was cooking for a whole bunch of Cornell Hotel School graduates and that they were all true foodies and she rose to the occasion). Wines were outstanding as they would be appreciated. Her dress was expensive, but we saved on other things. No one went into debt, it was beautiful and meaningful and they will be celebrating their 20th anniversary in Feb.

OTOH, my son was married at a church and then there was an enormous reception at her parents' large home - huge tent, chandeliers, band that cost $15,000 and more flowers than I've ever seen in one place, including the LA wholesale flower market! It had to have cost at least $250,000. They divorced after 13 years and two children. There was no reality in that wedding, even if her parents could well afford it - it was a spectacle.

I've been invited to two destination weddings. The first was the daughter of a childhood friend of my husband and we had become close family friends. The daughter was marrying a Mexican and wanted to be married in Mexico. It was very expensive to fly to Mexico city and the wedding was in Aug and we decided to not spend the money to go; we might have gone if it had been in Feb!

The second was the son of my late husband's first cousin. They grew up in and live in NYC and chose to have the wedding in Buenos Aires as her grandparents had been married there right before coming to the US. I toyed with the idea of going - never been to S America. Then I learned that they were being married in the church in which her grandparents were married and they are NOT religious - do not BELIEVE in religion. Huh? The icing on the cake was that in Argentina, two non- citizens cannot legally be married there - at least one must be a citizen. Apparently, they're not looking for destination weddings! This meant that they were actually being married elsewhere in a civil ceremony and then having this "sham" wedding at the end of the earth just for the "fun of it" as they said. That was an easy decline.

It's just taking self-absorption to a new level. When no consideration is given to the ability of grandparents and other relatives ability to attend, then it sort of misses the point - just go to city hall and get married. I'm not buying that it's easier to limit guests. It is ALWAYS easy to limit guests! Invite immediate family and grandparents, if there is enough money, include aunts and uncles, if more money, include cousins, and then include all those friends whose names you won't remember 5 yrs later when you look at that expensive wedding album with their pictures in it.

A wedding should be the celebration of a new stage in life - a new family unit. This should be shared by close family and close friends. If anything more, it's just a big expensive party. Fine, if one can afford it, but don't expect your guests to cough up hugs sums of money to attend.

I am dreading my stepdaughter's upcoming destination wedding in May. She has picked an "eco-resort" in Tulum Mexico for a beach wedding. We will be there for four days without electricity during the day, no electric plugs in the rooms, and air conditioning only from 8pm to 8am. The website says to bring mosquito repellent, (but they'll supply mosquito netting for the beds) and don't even brush your teeth with the water :-p

All I can think of is how bad my hair will look in the photos, since I won't be able to blow dry or flat iron, so it'll be a frizzy mess. How would I fix it anyway with no lights in the bathroom until 8pm? Also, I have had skin cancer so beaches are not my jam! Not to mention spending 4 days and nights with DH's ex.

She has asked her brother to get ordained (online) so he will be the one marrying them and to top it off, the wedding won't even be legal!

Of course we are paying for this as the parents of the bride. I can't say anything about my feelings to her, my husband or the family, but I really feel like it's asking way too much of us to go without basic comforts just because she wants a destination "wedding".

Is there any other accommodation close by? This sounds like one step up from camping out! Sorry, but I need AC. I'm sorry that you are paying for something that you ordinarily would not agree to.

Can you put your hair up in a bun? get some fancy clips? I have frizzy hair too, so I understand your frustration.

I absolutely would not be without AC in Mexico for anyone. Not gonna happen.

Crikey stratfordroad! Can you sneak in an alternative power source? Hamster on a wheel or something?

It's complicated with stepchildren whose parents think everything they do is just precious. I will probably be wearing a large brimmed hat the whole time lol! I do hope it's not as miserable as I imagine, but I'm not looking forward to it at all...

Oh. stratford. My sincere, deep sympathy is extended to you. I now have my very best, smartest example of why I never remarried. Anytime you would like to wallow in the worse case scenarios of this DW, please feel free to do so!

Stratford,

i know Tulum is very "in", but I thought I recalled some problems there ...

http://www.nytimes.com/2016/08/17/world/americas/mexico-tulum-corruption-evictions.html?_r=0

I think you need to cancel! Or buy a wig.

all kidding aside, sounds pretty rough

Stratford, my heart goes out to you. A Mexican "eco" resort is not my cup of tea, having discovered this after DH and I booked a week at one in Zihuatanejo and ended up staying only one night. It was a horrible experience. I have never seen more creepy-crawly things (in the bed, even) in my life -- and never want to again. We lost our pretty hefty rental fee, but we hauled butt out of there bright and early the morning after a sleepless night and checked into a beautiful resort in Ixtapa (AC, flush toilet, clean sheets, no bugs - hooray!) for the remainder of our stay. Lesson learned. I cannot imagine trying to host a wedding at a place like that.

My conscience got the best of me after I realized I had fibbed about never attending a destination wedding. I did, actually, attend the wedding of a friend in Scotland (paying my own way), but that was only because I wanted to go to Scotland and I went with other friends and family members and we went elsewhere in the UK as well. It was actually quite lovely - the wedding was held in a beautiful castle in Edinburgh and only took up a small portion of our time but enabled us to visit some places that we would not have otherwise - but I think that's a little different than attending a destination wedding only for the wedding.

I'm not a big fan. Of course, if it's all-expenses paid, I could be a fan ;-)

On the one hand, I think there are groups of people who, by and large, have enjoyed destination weddings, so obviously, it's a thing that can work on many levels.

I think it's presumptive and more than a bit selfish to ask that people spend their precious vacation time and such a large chunk of discretionary income on you.

For the vast majority, it is fantastical thinking to believe it's not an incredible hardship you are imposing.

I just couldn't do that to people. I could, however, invite them to a nice day, with a lovely venue, good food and drink, a little music and good company, and pay for it myself.

stratfordroad, I seriously have rarely felt sorrier for a stranger on an internet forum than I do for you today! Blech!

I am dreading my stepdaughter's upcoming destination wedding in May. She has picked an "eco-resort" in Tulum Mexico for a beach wedding.

******

SD is a precious little petal, I'm sure ;-)

I'd bring along max DEET, max sun block (not screen, physical block) and LOTS of hair product.

Headbands, hats, pins...

At least it's May and not August!

stratford, wow, that sounds awful. In your place I think I'd be googling "faking an illness" about two days before the flight!

I really hate intergenerational carping and I see some of that happening here. I think it's unfair, untrue, and doesn't do anyone any good. Remember, the median US wedding cost is only around $10,000 which means half of all couples spend less (although the mean is much higher at around $26k).

It's clear there are many heavy expectations put onto weddings to serve functions that older people should organize for themselves, like family reunions. I feel bad for young people who have to balance these expectations against their budget.

Of course selfish and self-centered people exist, always have, but even the extravagant weddings I've been to felt fun and joyous and the couples put a lot of thought into providing a great experience for their guests. Maybe I'm friends with a bunch of nice people or something.

Zika by proxy, perhaps??

We declined a niece's DW at Hilton Head last summer. She finally met the man of her dreams, Mr. Wonderful. Sorry honey, I don't need to spend my money to hear you say, "I do" for a third time. No, we didn't send a gift, not even a card.

I'm by all means a "live and let live" kind of person and wholeheartedly believe everyone should have whatever kind of wedding they choose. I'm just trying to figure out how not to invest thousands to attend one without offending anyone in the wedding family we are friends with.

I wonder if they felt like they should invite us but don't really care if we are there or not. I'm thinking about how to figure that out in some diplomatic way.

Can you say we are so honored you want to include us but it's just not possible for us to attend. We would love to have you over after the wedding so please let us know when you get back home.

Then wait to hear from them that they are back. If they really want to see you, they'll contact you. If you're just an obligatory invite, they won't.

I think when these young people are PAYING for it they are free to do it THEIR way..but from what I am reading many many PARENTS are paying for it. When you ask other's to pay--you don't get to decide IT ALL. Compromise is in play. Bottom line somewhere we all need to figure out when we choose what WE WANT and it is expensive, demanding, outside the norm of "expected" we might not get EVERYONE on board. That is part of the price. Sorry stratfordroad but you only HAVE TO be at the ceremony--I would be finding a near by hotel with full amenities and a cab ride over to the love nest. If daddy can afford to give his daughter this nightmare of a destination..then he can afford accommodations up to your standards too.

I think when the parents are paying or kicking in a large percentage, it can go a variety of ways.

The parents can demand full control and tell you what to wear and when to show up (in that case, you're too immature to get married in the first place).

The parents can hand over their gift of money and you can do with it what you wish.

The parents can pay fully or partially and work with the betrothed, compromising along the way to satisfy everyone (as best as can be reasonably expected).

I would not be that thrilled with travel to Mexico at all because of safety concerns. Although my friend is considering Mexico for a 50th birthday celebration and since we went to Australia for my 40th, I'd feel obligated to go.

When we were planning our wedding, DH and I lived in separate cities, and our extended families were in two different cities. We thought about destinations, but my mother was in her 80's and doesn't really travel that well and doesn't have a passport. So, we went with my hometown since that was the largest group that would likely attend. DH's grandma did fly in, and she did great. MIL paid for her and two aunts' tickets so they could attend. We really didn't want to get married in place where our mothers and grandmother could not make it.

OTOH, DH's cousin planned a destination wedding in the Dominican Republic because he knew his family couldn't really attend there, especially his mother, who has had some mental health issues. This was really sad. The aunt may actually may have some sort of autism, but since she's in her 60's she would have never been diagnosed with it.

Whatever happened to the good old fashioned elopement? Seems like it's time for that style of wedding to make a comeback.

I think it was KSWL who had the "check and ladder" deal with her kids. Her daughter "eloped" but she and her DH knew and even helped her with the plans.

Gscience, I know what you mean about Mexico. I have a cousin who loves it and goes all the time though. Depends on where and how you travel. But with so many places out there, one does wonder why these couples choose what they do.

gsciencechick

I would not be that thrilled with travel to Mexico at all because of safety concerns. Although my friend is considering Mexico for a 50th birthday celebration and since we went to Australia for my 40th, I'd feel obligated to go.

*****

I think it's safe for the most part-what more can you say about most travel destinations these days?

We were in Los Cabos last year, in a rice resort. That was amazing.

However, we traveled out and about A LOT, into town (San Luca and Jose del Cabo), into the foothills of the mountains to Flora Farm and did snorkeling and deep sea fishing.

Never felt unsafe, but were wary. The food was amazing and we made sure to drink bottled water and brush with it (although we really didn't need to in our resort).

We visit Los Cabos every year with friends. I've never felt unsafe there (perhaps because we're a group of eight).

Flora Farm is just magical in the evening. I can't wait to return.

Yeah, always wanted to go to the Sammy Hagar birthday bash at Cabo Wabo. We looked into that for a honeymoon, but it seemed like a bit of a pain to travel there from the east coast at the time.

Flora Farm is just magical in the evening. I can't wait to return.

******

As long as the misters are on, it's heavenly. It's so amazing, you can't even explain it.