Hahahaha. I think the devil himself might be a squash bug! If you wrap some duct tape around your fingers (sticky side out) it works well to remove the eggs and the newly hatched nymphs.

If you can, set up some toad habitat. A shelter or few, some watering hole action... encourage some predators to show up and eat those bugs and beetles. You can also try cucumber beetle traps. Yellow sticky traps. There are commercial ones, or you can DIY them.

Trolls should go back under the bridge where they live.

Trolls? Where are the trolls?

I was addressing the poster above my post concerning his comment.

I believe that was a joke...

I thought so too.