You cannot even get a good estimate without having design work done first, that specifies the scope of work and materials. Otherwise you get 2 completely different estimates, based on assumptions and not reality. This is why you hire a kitchen designer on the front end.

You can't get a real "estimate," meaning a number you can actually rely on, until you're further along in the process of design. But you should be able to give the basic scope of what you want to do (full gut? moving walls? just replacing finishes? all new but keeping the same layout?) to various kitchen showrooms/designers and ask them for ballpark ranges of what you could expect to spend. That's a fair question for both them and you which can help both parties avoid wasting time if the budget and expectations aren't aligned.

You will be lucky to get 1 real estimate from anyone. They are just too busy. Many contractors are charging 1K+ to put one together if you don’t have a design they can go by and input specifics. Or, they put in allowances. Guesses on costs, in other words.

You might want to take a look at Remodeling Magazine for their Cost vs Value report. They have been doing it for 27 years and are good at average price stuff. Higher end stuff, they are low to ridiculously low. Depends on your definition of high end. https://www.remodeling.hw.net/cost-vs-value/2022/

You absolutely need a design to get a quote and even with that, my general contractor friend tells me he no longer gives quotes. Everything is time and materials i.e. what he is charged by his subs and if that doesn't include materials, then the materials cost if he orders them plus his 20% to manage the project. The market he is working in is very, very active. It might be a different story in your area so you may be able to get a quote but still, you'll need the design. A good kitchen designer is well worth the cost.

“We've contacted another company that has very good references but later discovered that they often make designs that would be way out of our budget.”

Best way to determine that is to tell them your budget and see what they say. They may indeed do designs within your budget, but how would you know until you ask them.

A big obstacle to getting a kitchen reno project started, and to get accurate estimates, is to know your budget and to communicate it. Over and over again on this forum we see people being passive about their budget and/or reluctant to say what it is. That results in several things: designers and contractors ghosting you in frustration, kitchen designs that are way more than you are willing to pay, or estimates that are way low causing later change orders that bring your project tens of thousands more than you anticipated.

It is not “bad form” as you put it to get several estimates. But everyone’s time will have been wasted if you don’t provide a ballpark budget.

Your OP was not clear on whether you have a Scope of Work for the estimate - it does not have to be precise at this stage, but it needs to include the major items you are planning such as removing walls, moving plumbing, new flooring or not, framed or frameless cabinet construction (familiarize yourself with those terms, and since you said your kitchen is tiny, I strongly advise frameless), cabinets to the ceiling or not, upgraded electrical for lighting and today’s appliances, changes to windows, things you will be providing such as perhaps a new sink and faucet, and so on.

Not a pro here, but someone who has had work done. I say get as many estimates as you can. I've always heard three. If you can get someone out to your house. There are plenty of companies in my area who offer free estimates, but you do need to know what you want done. Not just say, I don't really know, what do you suggest. I told the companies that I wanted to gut my bathroom, tear out the tub and put in a tile walk in shower. I also had the idea of what I wanted it to look like, as in finishes. I even had the trim tile I wanted to use already, and I had my sink I wanted to use on the way. The company I chose gave me an estimate that I could agree on, and gave me a written break down of what he would provide for that amount. This was all free of charge, by the way. No, he wasn't a "designer", but a contractor that had lots of experience with the design aspect as well. I met with him at Lowes (Oh no , a big box store!!) and he helped me choose a base tile and hardware. I really like the way it turned out. It can be done. It's been 10 years and it still looks great, no leaks., and I still smile every time I take a shower. Getting your stuff from Lowes or Home Depot is perfectly fine if you, like me, have a really old house, and do not want "high end" things, which would look out of place.

Is your budget 100K? 200K? 300K? Are you defining a remodel as DIY painting the existing cabinets and new counters, Or a complete gut to the studs with some structural changes? You have to know your costs, before you ask about the costs. Labor is the biggest % of the budget, at about 40 %, followed by the cabinets at 30%. Counters, appliances, plumbing fixtures, lighting, floors, backsplash, and drywall/paint make up the rest of the 30%.

If the person who did your bathroom is not detail oriented, the don't leave the details up to him. Hire a kitchen designer to produce detailed plans and then have your guy follow the design/plan. I'm assuming you would buy cabinets from the kitchen designer or a reputable cabinet company, if you had an independent KD.

First and foremost, it will depend where you are. In some areas, builders/contractors are in such demand, that they won't even talk to you and won't waste time giving free estimates. With that being said, I very much agree with the comment(s) above about getting a designer and/or architect first to work up what you think you want.

When we remodeled, people advised us to get plans drawn up first, and then provide plans to several contractors to get bids. Let the designer or architect know what your budget is, so they can try their best to design what they "think" would be in your budget (they might not be very accurate, but at least they can try). I found that having already paid for an architect and having plans in hand resulted in the contractors/builders we spoke with giving us the time of day (they are all busy) as they at least assume we were somewhat serious (having spent money for an architect and plans).

With plans in hand, contractors can either a) give you an estimate, b) give you a ballpark idea, or c) they can tell you "yes/no" that's in your budget. If they are over your budget, they may be able to show you a few areas that are driving the cost higher, so you can then go back to the designer to fine tune. Some were willing and able to give detailed line item cost estimates (with allowances for things we had not yet decided on), Some were able to give ballbark estimates, and one said "that would cost me so much you'd be better off just tearing down and building new." With at least a few somewhat good estimates in hand, we were able to go back to the architect and make a few changes, and then we were good to go.

You have to know what you want to do, what each contractor/bid includes or excludes, or there is no way you can make an informed decision. For example, while none of the contractors we received bids from included appliances (we had to purchase them separately), some contractors provided a bid that included the cost to install appliances we purchased while others didn't. That alone could be a thousand or more difference with all else being equal. Higher end contractors might assume soft close hardware on your drawers and cabinet doors, others might not, so unless you specify the bid could be considerably different and you would only find out after the fact that you have to pay more to get something you thought was included but wasn't.

I would definitely still try to get 2 quotes. be upfront about your budget when you call so they can say no if you will be wasting your time. they guy you know/trust might be a good option with an independent KD to plan the details. we talked to 3 people, got two full wuotes and one ballpark estimation. they were remarkably similar totals once we plugged in our choices (allowances were wildly different).

For sure don't contact anyone for bids or estimates until you have a fully formed plan for the work. Detailed is better, a decision by you about what you will buy/provide vs. what the contractor will provide is better yet. Then they can accurately estimate, or bid, based on items like "remove old fluorescent light and install six Sylvania 6" , 800 lumen, LED wafer lights, 3 along north counter, 2 along pantry wall, one in back door landing purchased by me" -- you get the idea.

While it's not a guarantee, you'll have a better chance of achieving your objectives if you choose your remodeler and designer, have them collaborate beginning in the design phase, and pay each for the value they add in the process. Share your budget as a design input and ask them to work to it. Your remodeler should be a better source for real time remodeling costs than your designer.

There are no free estimates. There is an even exchange of information. You want to know how much things cost; a contractor wants to know your budget and how qualified of a buyer you are. You show me yours and I'll show you mine.

Thanks to all of you for your input! I know what to do going forward now. I appreciate the time you've gifted me with your thoughtful responses.