Unfortunately I think one of the default ways it gets handled on here is "Men have terrible taste, tell him to mind his own business and let you do it." I realize this is not helpful in your situation.

I don’t think you two are that far apart. You can put real antiques in a modern farmhouse room, you just need to tone down the “modern” a bit. What style are your antiques, since antique is not a style?

My husband doesn’t love everything I’ve chosen for the house, but for some things he doesn’t care too much. We make furniture decisions together. When doing any renovations, we spend a lot of time in the planning stage to agree on major items, paint colors, details.

Some stores will let you borrow items before deciding. Others have easy returns. And life is short, so take turns decorating rooms or trust that your tastes evolve over time and you can replace items.

For the record, my husband and I have been married nearly 25 years and last year we replaced inherited bamboo chairs in the living room (that we had fuchsia cushions made for) with chartreuse leather and wool swivel chairs. Yes chartreuse leather. They are wild, gorgeous, were expensive and we love them. We have a mixture of vintage pieces from family (aka hand me downs), antiques from the 1860’s-1920’s, mid century modern, contemporary and plenty of IKEA. It’s all wonderfully us!

In our home, I always picked the quality for large purchases and he did the styling. Now he’s got dementia and I’m stuck with doing both. Enjoy each other’s differences, and know that the old and new, even some trendy, can mix well. Be happy if you’re comfortable in your environment. I’ve learned mistakes can be corrected and nothing needs to be forever.

My DH would be happy in a room with a desk, comfy chair and bare bulb, so I'm lucky in that respect. We early on agreed that he'd choose things like mechanicals, HVAC, etc and leave the design and decoration to me. It's worked so far. :)

Now with my ex, everything was a fight. That's one of the reasons he's my ex.

I think some of the differences of styles stems from our vastly different homes of our past. She came from a custom-made home, and then condo, while I came from a house that was decorated as if it came right out of the 1930's. Now that we have a farmhouse-Victorian as our primary residence, I am thinking being true to its era of 1940, and she has more modern tastes; for instance, she adores nickel fixtures. I prefer brass and copper.

I think the real testing point will be in the kitchen rebuild. We need a whole new kitchen, but it is such a huge project that we are putting it off, and also need to move a laundry room and other things to get the full potential it has. But here is the thing, I have tried being dedicated to an era, (1930) and it really did not work so well. It looked good, but did not function well. Yeah, those old, sculpted couches look neat, but are not as comfortable as a modern couch, and soaking ye olde bones in a longer modern tub is much easier than a cramped clawfoot one of old. Now having a kitchen that is useless, I think I want a kitchen that works!

@ShadyWillowFarm

I am not really sure what our style is in terms of antique. My house was built in 1940 so not really that old. In that context, I can legitimately say the house contained items made previous to that date. That is because their might be hand me downs, or cherished items from family made previous to 1940 in the house.

A great example might be a gun hanging over the mantle in my house. A M1 Carbine would be the rifle of that era, but would it not be unheard of for a family to cherish grandads flintlock that drive back the Redcoats at Bunker Hill?

The ”newer” an old house is, the more stuff it can legitimately contain and still be accurate.

My antique style?

I try to pull together elements its builders included. As an example i just bought a door with a lot of staibed glass that matches the windows of this place. Was it orginal? No; they probably had a shelf they put towels on for their weekly bath night. Us? We have a built in linen closet that will have a unique door that compliments the house style.

Right?

Wrong?

Eclectic?

Not sure but this house wont look like every other house either.

Maybe I’ll call my style the ”not

like every other old house antique style”? 😀😀😀

I'd take a look at what's called "transitional" style. It incorporates old and new. You can get comfortable, new furniture in a more traditional style. It's also worth noting that an awful lot of bathroom fixtures from the 30s and 40s were nickel or similar white metal. When I look at salvage stores for clawfoot tubs parts, the vast majority are white metal.

I find clawfoots are often bigger and more comfortable than many modern tubs, but that's me.

All houses get modified over time. If the house is old enough, who knows how it's been changed over the years. Ours had a staircase moved, a separate apartment created and removed, etc.

One of the ways to get to some agreement is to each create an ideabook, for example, for the kitchen. Then look at each other's pictures and see what elements you like or dislike. With some luck, you'll maybe find that one of you cares more about, say, paint color and the other about details like faucets. That said, I think you'll find nickel cheaper than brass or copper, both of which require polishing to remain shiny. We have some old brass faucets and old copper pipes. The have a lot of "patina". Spend some time looking at older metal faucets.

Old faucets

So Your Style Is: Transitional (houzz.com)

Transitional Style: A Bit of Modern and Traditional (houzz.com)

@Sigrid

Thanks so much, as well as to all others, as its nice to know nickel is appropriate.

I was thinking more in terms of lights than faucets, but that is the electrian in me I guess. 😀

I cannot wait to discuss our kitchen: anything is an option as it does not work now, and with no building codes here, we can do about anything. we got a nice river view but cannot enjoy it now.

You will need to discuss everything that you buy for the house. Agree to compromise. However, I side with your girlfriend, antiques are not my thing.

Also, you don't have to settle upon one metal finish, they can be mixed..

@shirlpp

Thanks for the suggestion!

I understand about the antiques although I do love them. Without argument they can also be a pain labor wise and in terms of money.

Just as an example, that door I got with the stained glass, i paid $50 for. by the time I deal with some rot and holes with bondo, then replace two broken panes of stained glass, I'll be well over a hundred dollars. Glaxing and paint will be a bit more, making it considerably more than just buying a new door. Time wise, it is just obnoxious. It's going to take a few hours to get that door ready for installation, far less than it would take to install a new door.

But for me, it is all worth it. A look like none other, and just by doing a little extra work, spending a little more money, and being creative.

Happy wife, happy life.

In our house the motto is, ”the one who cares the most, wins wins.” if you really really want a clawfoot tub, you should have one. but maybe not in every bathroom. put it in the guest bath on the main floor where it serves as a decoration and homage to the past. In your private bathroom, you will want a modern shower, no matter how old the house is! But it can be a shower with a curtain. Doesnt have to look contemporary to be modern.

Style differences are hard in a marriage for sure. Personally, I would feel very boxed in if I was being pushed to only include pieces/style from a specific decade, especially if this wasn’t something we had both agreed upon before purchasing a house. It doesn’t seem to leave a lot of room for compromise, and it does seem like you may lose some more modern functionality. It sounds like your willing to bend on that a little, but it also sounds like there’s a lot of pressure to “remain true”.

i related to your sofa example. We had a lovely antique Queen Anne settee in a blue pinstripe slipcover. So sweet, but soooo uncomfortable. I finally broke down and replaced it with a plain, three cushion barn red sofa and we love it.

It's a delicate balancing act for a couple to merge two different styles. But it can be done--I like everything Sigrid suggested. I'll also add that respect for each other's opinion is paramount. And you both don't need to love everything equally for a room to work. Depending on who uses a room more can be a determinant of whose preference is chosen. For example, I use the kitchen and the living room more, so my opinion and likes take priority over my husband's. But he is in the family room more, so that is his priority. And even though I am a professional, I always take into consideration his likes and dislikes.

In your case, antiques and modern farmhouse can coexist nicely. Definitely create ideabooks and view them together to identify what you both like and dislike. And remember, it should be fun, decorating is not life and death!

Just stop…my husband of nearly 40 years was here one minute and gone the next. Nothing about style and decoration matter a fig…Celebrate your love and companionship.

How long have you two been putting a home together? At some point it will gel. There is no ONE cure.

@arcy_gw

We have been together two years, but found this one on Christmas, bought it a couple days later, and then moved in in the middle of February, so to answer your question; a few months. I am sure at some point we will get married, but at elevated ages (I am 49 and she is now 50) we are trying to decide if it is a forever home, or one we plan to sell in 10 years when it gets too much to climb the stairs? Otherwise, it is a comfortable house that just needs a lot of loose ends tied up.

And a new kitchen.

It REALLY needs a new kitchen.

@Daisy S

So sorry to hear of your loss. On that, words escape me even though I am a published writer.

Its not the same I know as I had so little time with him, but I had to buy a headstone for my son three years ago, and as the milestones march by, I think of where he would have been had his life been measured in years and not minutes. So, I understand loss.

I dont know you, but rest assured, in a tiny town in Maine a guy that likes old houses is praying you may find peace. Its all I can do…

You want a remodel that is sensitive to the old house, yet doesn't involve stoking a wood stove, or hand pumping water. So, you have already incorporated some elements of Modern Farmhouse. Wringing all of the function out of the space is harder when you have old pipes, lots of entry points, and competing ideas. Creating functionality, and combining styles, is best aided by a good kitchen designer. Even if you just use one long distance, to get you started, and to develop a mission statement that you both can stand behind, it is well worth it.

Amen to that @cpartist